Okay.

My blunt advice......

Your SD isn't the problem. You are the problem. Your H is the problem. She only knows what she's learned from him, so any annoying habits are a result of his parenting and your involvment.

Also....you rushed into a relationship, got married to and got pregnant with a man that has a very young child from a previous relationship. On top of that, it sounds like the BM is not involved and you are shouldering the raising of and caring for their baby.

Your H has the unrealistic expectation that you will love your SD as your own. She is not your child. Though you may love her and care for her, she has a mother. Albeit an absent mother.

You have the unrealistic expectation that you will love your SD as your own. You will not, as she is not your own child.

You're going to have deeper feelings of love for your own bio. That is just nature.

Now....firstly.....you started pulling away because I'm assuming you've been given all of the responsibility of a parent but NONE of the authority. The absent BM is not helping matters because you don't know when she's going to pop back into your lives.

Secondly, you're pregnant and your hormones are raging. At this stage you may be nesting and feeling more protective over your home, your own child and your time. You're just now realizing how much time you're taking for a child that isn't yours. You're also more sensitive and emotional, so everything is going to have an affect on your feelings and your current world view.

Thirdly, I'm going to assume that your H is an insensitive jackass. Based on his words to you (I can't wait to get my wife back) and (he can't have a long happy marriage with the way you're acting now). What a freaking shitheel.

Lastly, it sounds like your H moved you in and pushed you into a role you weren't ready to take on. But you took on the "mommy" role to make him happy and secure yourself a little happy family. It doesn't work that way at all. Now you're resenting the arrangement and unfortunately an innocent kid is getting the blame for it.

So stop taking it out on the little baby and take it out on the two jerks that put you in this situation. You and your H.

You need to grow up and accept the blame for biting off more than you can chew. You moved too fast and now a little baby is paying the price for you and your H being too anxious and not slowing down and considering the affect the entire situation would have on all of you.

Sit your insensitive jerk (by the way....don't call your H wonderful or talk about how much in luuuvvvvvv you are with him when he says crappy things to you and makes you his maid and nanny) of a H down and tell him how you feel. Get your dumb butts into marriage counseling and TALK about what is happening in your home. How you're feeling. What your expectations are and where you will compromise in order to make your marriage work.

You both sound too young and too immature to deal with this on your own. Get some help via a counselor that specializes in blended families. Do not do this on your on and do it immediately before your baby arrives. Or your H will be paying CS to two BM and not just one.

And for godsakes, prepare yourself for the BM to come back with a vengeance after your baby is born. At some point she's going to be back and you're going to have to deal with a whole other set of issues.

Oh and as a Post Script....

Last time I checked, it takes two morons to make an unplanned baby happen.

Your freaking H was just as careless as the BM. Had he used a freaking condom that he supplied, he wouldn't have been in the daddy line up with the BM.

Stop blaming the BM as thought she trapped him with a baby. If he didn't want a kid then he should have wrapped it up or not stuck his dick in it in the first place.

I agree with Shaman. Here are some more blunt ideas.

"Her BM wasn't sure who her father was. She was a very careless woman... Everyone always knew [DH and I] loved each other but were always too shy to talk to each othe". These two statements don't compute. How come DH was too shy to proposition you but he got BM pregnant within apparently a very casual situation?

"We got married when SD was 4 months. BM would ask me to babysit for a few hours which would turn into a day". This was clearly an aggressive act against the marriage on her part. Not that I don't sympathize with her actually -- the marriage was clearly premature and selfish on your DH part. But the point I really want to make is, this is a precedent for how badly BM will react when you give birth. Shit may very well hit fan, as Shaman has said.

"I am mommy, have always been and will always be". That is only correct legally if you adopt. It is not correct morally or in your DH secret heart. Nor is it in your own heart now.

"I basically do the bare necessities now. Change, bathe, feed, and watch her play and ensure her safety now. I never hold her now. Course she is mobile and normally doesn't want to be held anyways, but I seriously feel DISCONNECTED from her." You chose to make yourself her primary carer. Now whilst I am an advocate and veteran of disengagement to older children, this is a child just at the crucial age of developing attachment. Google attachment theory. To behave as you are is actually child cruelty in my view. It's not intentional on your part and it's perfectly natural biologically but if you are going to continue to drop her emotionally when she is so attuned to you then you have an obligation imo to ensure that DH and BM pick up the baton and take over her primary care.

"1. To be able to look at my SD as my own." Impossible.

"2-6". Highly unlikely without heavy couple counseling.

I would say get professional help on this one, don't just go to a forum. The pair of you acted like kids in a candy store at the beginning of your marriage and now is the time to stop looking through a glass darkly.

Ok, I get that these issues have become more apparent to you since you have been pregnant but you really do need to look past the justification of pregnancy hormones to be able to stand a chance at sorting this out, for your benefit and your families.

Now clearly the pregnancy hormones are playing a major role here as just from your original post and your reply you are all over the place. You state that you have always been "mommy" to your SD but in the same post that you now resent her and that affectionate interaction is forced. When people point out you are not your SDs mommy you become defensive.

Legally and biologically you are not your step daughters mother, you were not present or part of her conception and you are not her legal adopter. Now that does not mean that you are any less of her mommy in an emotional sense, you have been the one that has been there 24/7 for her, but it is this very same emotional sense of parenthood that is causing havoc for you now you are pregnant.
It is natural to feel more of a bond with YOUR baby than with your SD, during pregnancy and once the baby is born. It is normal for you to have moments where you have a fleeting wish that SD didnt exist (in the same way we all have fleeting moments of wishing we won the lottery or made a different path in life). It is ok to have these feelings and I honestly think part of the issue here is your inability to accept them. When I read your post I get the sense that you feel terribly guilty for not being able to continue the hands on relationship you enjoyed with your SD before you were pregnant.
You can still have a very healthy, very loving relationship with your SD without this obsessive pressure over the mommy label. This obsession is more sharp as you are on a very special journey of becoming a biological mother yourself. You cannot help but feel anger towards the BM and loss for the SD because she hasnt been wanted, treasured or considered in the way your baby has. Her BM tried to sell her, which you cannot get your head around because you would never dream of doing that to your baby, yet every time you do this to minimalise the importance of the relationship between child and biological mother you are giving yourself additional insecurities for yourself.

Many women become hormone enraged man-hating beasts during pregnancy, regardless of whether they have other biologically children or not, but being part of a step family dynamic just makes everything that bit more delicate. But you can learn from every scenario and you need to take heed and learn things from this.
What do you need to learn?

1. It is ok not to feel the same for your SD as your bio. You can still have a loving, close relationship without the important status of "mother". If it helps try to think of yourself as an auntie, give yourself and your SD the ability to create a relationship that is just between the two of you. You dont have to conform to normal mum labels because you married her father.

2. Be cautious of BM. There was one part of your post that caused me concern; " If someone told u at 25 years old that ur Mother wasn't ur birth mom, would u care? As long as u were loved and cared for then u would have nothing to hold against her" This is very dangerous. There are many many children that are adopted and dont find out until they are adults that their parents arent their parents, it creates all kinds of identity issues for some people. My own BM was adopted but she always knew and she has always been convinced that had she not, the damage is not to be underestimated. There is no problem with SD calling you mum if she chooses to do so when she is old enough to understand but that child needs to grow up knowing her parentage. Yes that means she will grow up with questions like "why do I live with dad and not mum? where is my real mum then?" but that is alot better taking the effort to deal with these questions when she is young and her growing up knowing who she is, rather than turning around to her later if her BM does get back in contact and basically telling her that her entire life so far has been a lie.

3. You and your husband need to be able to communicate better. You state that your marriage was pretty perfect before your pregnancy, yet during your pregnancy he has made comments that have hurt you (Im sure you have made some back to hurt him too!) but in particular the whole "I want my wife back/ a long marriage but not with you like you are now" these are not helpful. You both really need to sit down and have a heart to heart and if during the pregnancy you feel unable to do so then you need third party help with a counsellor. Marriage has stages, becoming parents to an US baby can be really difficult, particularly when the "other" child is still so young, every family has its own dynamic, dont be afraid to seek help during difficult periods.

We need a "Like" button

Listen to EVERYONE here

What a mess. It's posts like this that make me regret being sober. :O

I'll add to the counseling vote. (Try to find someone who has experience in blended families though - SERIOUSLY. If you go to same random guy who's never dealt with a step situation you are going to get some awfully bad, and sometimes actually harmful, advice.)

Some points:
1. Yes, you are being emotionally abusive to an 11 month old baby. You treat the fucking CAT better? I don't care what you FEEL, your ACTIONS should be better than that. If you are this girls "mommy" then you damn well better treat them the same no matter what you feel. An if you could withhold affection from a baby who depends on you and who did nothing to deserve it, even knowing how wrong it is, you need some SERIOUS therapy. Not even kidding. Not marriage counseling either - this is on YOU.

2. I don't care what he claims BM told him. He is equally responsible and just as careless. Does he live under a rock? What man in this day and age has some drunken one night stand and believes he has zero responsibility for the birth control as long as the random chick he doesn't even know claims she's on the pill?!? And condoms prevent more than just unplanned pregnancies, so not using one WAS irresponsible even if he'd watched her take her damn pills in person.

3. If I were 25 and found out my "mother" had lied to me my entire life and there was some other woman out there who'd given birth to me? Damn straight I would care. And it *would* affect what I thought of her, yes. However, I assume you're not actually planning on lying to the kid, since you said her BM DOES see her a few times a month. So I'm not sure what your point was there.

4. This is your child's SISTER. His or her BLOOD. They will have a bond for life that is completely independent of you. Don't screw this up for your baby and it will be a good bond, one that both of them can depend on and draw strength from for the next 80+ (hopefully) years even after you're dead and gone. But if you screw it up by playing favorites and ignoring your SD, you're going to set up YEARS of bad feelings between the two of them and that relationship will be something that brings them down and hurts them instead. By treating your SD the way you have been, you are hurting your baby's future. How's that for motivation?

How do you know the posters responding aren't Christian? If a Christian can treat a cat better than a baby, then it's possible for other Christians to call her out.

Funny how it's OK for you to judge BM, but judging you and your husband is wrong

Who let the crew in?

"Please help. Don't sugar coat it y'all. I need all the blunt advice I can get"

Mustang, you have taken the first step. You are able to admit the feelings you have and to understand that you need to change them in some form or fashion.

I really think you should get some counseling for yourself. Your feelings regarding your new child are normal. Heck, I felt the same way having my own second child. I was afraid I would never love anything as much as my first. You have a different situation. This IS your first. You are raising another woman's child, and a toddler at that. It is hard.

Sometimes it helps to fake it until you make it. I always had issues in my mind about my SDs, but I never let it show. I could probably write some of the things you listed. However, I never treated them any different than I treated my own. It was VERY hard to do because no matter what anyone tells you, it is impossible to love another person's child as you will your own.

You don't owe any explanation to anyone. You came here with a cry for help. The issue you came here for is regarding your feelings, not about the BM or whatever was going on during the time your SD was conceived. Keep it in perspective. Take from this whatever is helpful to you and leave the rest behind.

WOW!

Mustang your responses are amazing, you have not painted yourself in a very good light at all.

You have been with this baby since BEFORE she was born and frankly responses to these 4 things is disturbing, disturbing to me as a woman, as a mother, as a human being. I've said it numerous times on this forum, I am a step mother, I have been for the past 10 years, my SDs were toddlers and older when they came to me and there is still no mother/daughter bond on either of our parts BUT.....

3. I am easily irritated with SD. Her crying fits or getting into things makes me stress out.i have to take deep breaths to keep from screaming right back at her, sounds silly but comforting.
**You want to scream back at 11 month old and need to take deep breaths?? This is screaming bizarre at me....and personally I am worried how long you will take the deep breaths before you snap...

4. I basically do the bare necessities now. Change, bathe, feed, and watch her play and ensure her safety now. I never hold her now. Course she is mobile and normally doesn't want to be held anyways, but I seriously feel DISCONNECTED from her.
**I do understand and appreciate this because I have "disengaged" from my now teenage SDs. But I don't understand how you can do this with a 11 month old that you have basically raised since a baby. Doesn't your womanly mother instincts find her cute and cuddly??

5. To sum it up; I'm more affectionate to my cat. Something I just noticed.
**Again, I understand this....I love my pets but not my SDs. Nothing wrong with this but is wrong for the baby you are raising as your own.

6. I get very defensive about my SD to DH. If I think he is being a pushover, or spoiling her I let him know and if it starts a fight a get really mean and hateful. Worried he will treat SD Diffferent than the new baby. Spoil her more.
**This is just creepy and disturbing on many levels when coupled with point number 3. You are easily irrated, want to scream back at a baby and get mean and hateful. JUST BLOODY DISTURBING!

7. Yes, the fact that she is not my bio child has always been in my mind, but it's been a lot harder to push away now. She is a constant reminder of my husbands past( even though there's not much of one than a one night stand) and now that I am bringing another child into the situation it is so much harder to not think that way.
**You have ALWAYS looked at her different, you have always resented her, you should NEVER have married a man with a child, you should never have entered this baby's life frankly.

Now, none of this is your fault Mustang but you are too young, you are too immature and you are too emotionally charged to deal with this whole situation. It's just how it is and how you are. I was NEVER a kid person, I never wanted to work with kids, I didn't like going to school concerts for my own children or find other peoples kids amusing. And that's just how I am. But I always knew this and didn't think anything would instantly change knowing I was not a kid person. For many MANY years after being a single parent I NEVER dated any man with Children. When I met my current husband and realised he had 3 children I was A LOT older and he seemed to have a large support network so I never really thought I would ever become the fulltime carer....a crystal ball would have been wonderful but alas, none were available and here I am. But this is not about me....It is about you and before marrying or even becoming pregnant you already KNEW how much this baby was going to be in your life.
Admitting how you feel is NOT the beginning of overcoming and suddenly falling in love with this baby. You are NEVER going to love her if you hate her now, and YES you DO HATE her. No amount of counselling is going to fix any of this, it is not a magic solution to switching on feelings.

Love is not a feeling. Love is action. Take the actions of loving your Skid and the feelings will grow. Love for any child is different than the love of any other child. The feelings of love are unique to the relationship. Your feelings of love for SD will be different than your feelings of love for your BD when she is born.

I too had to grow feelings of love for my Skid when my bride and I began dating when SS was 15mos old and I had to take the actions of love to grow the feelings of love after we married the week before SS turned 2yo. I have taken the actions of love towards my bride and towards our son (My SS now 22) for 20 years of our lives as a family. He is not my genetic progeny but he is in all ways other than genetic my son. You can have the same with your SD. You have been her REAL mom since she was a very young baby. In her mind you will always be her REAL mom while her BM will be something far less.

Like you are experiencing I went through a phase that I can only describe as a visceral revulsion to my SS's presence. When by bride and I were dating there was a period when SS's presence truly revolted me on what I can only describe as being on a mammalian level. The closest example I can reference is that it was kind of like an Animal Planet special on lions that depicts the newly arrived dominant male killing the cubs of his predecessor in order to get the females to ovulate and to create his own progeny. Of course I was not violent toward my SS but I was aggressively working through not rejecting him. I did not like the feelings I was having. That I was having them made me feel truly disgusted with myself. So ..... I swallowed my revulsion and I engaged with the kid. We chased ducks around the gold course together, I chased him through play scopes, carried him on my shoulders while holding one of his ankles in one hand and his mom's hand in my other. His mom and I walked with him between us swinging him as we all three walked together, we went hiking with him on my shoulders, on back country camping trips with my Skid in his booster seat between his mom and I in my 4X4 truck and sleeping between us in my small tent, etc, etc, etc…...

It did not take long for me to work through my own personal issues with accepting him. Even today more than 20 years later I get choked up thinking of the feelings of rejection I had toward a beautiful little towheaded toddler with big brown eyes and a smile for me that would light up a room and then the confusion on his face when I would grumble at him and not engage. I am truly thankful that I was able to consciously work through that phase to be his dad.

My SS considers me his REAL dad and though he has a relationship with his Sperm Idiot and his three younger also out of wedlock Sperm Idiot spawned half sibs he knows that his REAL family is he, his mom, and I. You can create the same feelings for yourself, your SD, your DH, and your new baby by taking the actions of growing that love as a family. You can lead it.

So, do the things for your Skid that will grow the feelings and behaviors that you want as you have listed them.

1. To be able to look at my SD as my own.

She is your own. She is your SD. YOUR SD. So be her mom. Tuck her in at night, read her a story, brush her hair. Talk to her about the new baby and how she will be the big sis and how important she will be for her new baby sister/brother. Talk with her about how much you and her daddy will need her help with the new baby, etc….

2. To not see any forms of jealousy when I see my DH interact with her.

Why would you feel jealous about a toddler spending time with her daddy? This one is mostly on you and you will have to address these feelings within yourself and again by doing the actions and behaviors of love. Spend time with your DH and your SD when they are interacting with each other. By participating in their time together you should be able to develop your own positive feelings about their interaction. By participating you are doing the actions of love and that may help you overcome your feelings of jealousy.

3. To be able to be strong in my role as her mom, like I was in the beginning.

So do it!! You know how to do it. You have done it. Do what you used to do and your confidence and positive feelings will return. ACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t feel. Don’t think about it. ACT!!! Just do it!!!!!

4. To not see a threat from SD to the new baby.

SD is not threat. Your Bio Daughter will be the first child that you and your DH have together and the first sibling to your SD. They will be so close in age that if you engage from the perspective that they will be sisters then they will be sisters. Again ACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. To not feel feelings of resentment towards SD.

See #4. Do not tolerate those feelings within yourself, engage with SD as big sis to your own daughter. You are their mother. What could you possibly have to feel resentment towards a 17mo old SD about? The answer ….. ab-so-frickin-lutely NOTHING!!!! So act like the responsible loving, caring mother and that is exactly what you will be and the feelings you will have. ACT!!!!

6. To be able to be affectionate with her without feeling awkward(this is a long shot cuz I have never been this way)

Be affectionate with her. You have cared about her in the past so knock off the irrational lack of affection and be affectionate. Just do it and quit rationalizing bullshit excuses for not doing it … NOW!!! Do you think you will have difficulty being affectionate with your new baby? If you don’t address this now with SD then yes, you very likely will be uncomfortable being affectionate with your own bio-daughter. SD will be a great help to you in dealing with this odd bit of your own behaviors. BE AFFECTIONATE … with SD and with your DH. This will reassure all three of you within your family dynamic. SD will know you care, DH will see you being the woman he married, and you will become more comfortable with affection.

Take the actions of love toward your SD and build the feelings of love. Do the same with your DH. He will feel it and respond in kind. This is what you must do to build a loving family to bring your own baby into.

IMHO of course.

Congratulations on the new baby.