Step-daughter Denies Hubby From Meeting His First Grandchild
I haven't posted in a long time because things have been very quiet and nice since we disengaged. It has been heaven!
My hubby has been in contact with his daughter via phone mostlly - and a couple of visits in person - but because of her very controlling personality my hubby has left it up to her to contact him. If he tries to contact her, she plays games and won't return his calls or waits a very long time to do so. This is why he pulled back and left it up to her to make the move when she wanted to talk to him or see him.
Anyway, she just had a baby, and she refuses to let her father see his first grandchild. She sent a photo at least via email.
Because she is a Narcissistic Personality, it has been advised by experts that he NOT push the subject, but let HER feel she has control and hope that someday she will see how foolish she is being, and allow him to see his first grandchild.
I am just curious if anyone else has dealt with this sort of situation. Please don't chide me for "re-engaging" because I am not, I am just curious if anyone else here has dealt with this, and how did it work out? Your sharing your experience would not only be helpful to us, but to others here.
Also, don't be surprised if my step-son and his evil wife once again stalks me here and pretends to be a stepparent and posts on this thread. It's just another example of how messed up these people are.
Thanks for your input.
Yep you are right. Once
Yep you are right. Once these SKIDS start popping out kids of their own, it's a whole new ballgame. Your Hubby will start giving her money left and right because they will use the kids as a excuse. I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard:
"I'm not going to let my grandchild go without!"
Amen, Catmom4! My hubby is
Amen, Catmom4!
My hubby is going to play it cool. He usually contacts his kids on holidays and their birthdays, so he may ask her once again if he can meet his grandson soon. We ASSUME she will continue to play games, but hubby will honestly be able to say he tried, but it will be HER responsibilty for it not happening.
I'm OUT of it, except as an observer. As I said, it would be interesting to see how others dealt with this sort of situation, and if the grandchild does ever eventually start asking about the "invisible grandpa" and where is he, and why hasn't he met him?
We had/have a similar
We had/have a similar situation. Although my SD isn't a narcissist, she was severely PASed by BM to the point where my DH decided that it was causing harm to the skids to push the issue and backed way off.
She seems to have slowly started coming back around but one gskid is 4 and one is 1 and we've barely been a part of their lives at all.
My DH's oldest daughter has 3
My DH's oldest daughter has 3 children, 2 of which we have never seen, and the oldest we have not seen for 4 years.
Prior to her calling to tell us what we should buy her for her baby shower, we had not heard from her in 2 years. We let bygones be bygones and started taking the baby for weekends here and there. She informed my DH that we should take the baby EVERY weekend (we didn't).
Then she started calling for money, saying she needed diapers. He put an end to that by actually buying her diapers. Things just went downhill and we stopped hearing from her, her phone number was always changing, they were always moving; it was just a waiting game for my husband. This was how it had been almost all of her life. She wanted nothing to do with him unless she wanted something.
When he did hear from her again, it was so she could cuss him out and try to put a guilt trip on him, the same old bullshit. He told her he was done.
DH's younger daughter, SD23, has 2 kids. He has a better relationship with her but she is still so enmeshed with her BM, and does her share of lying and trying to manipulate. DH and her talk on the phone but we don't see her or her kids often. She usually doesn't have the gas money to visit (unless gifts are involved) and until recently, she still lived with BM, so we did not go visit her there.
It's sad but it is what it is and we try not to dwell on it. I know my DH, and he would make a wonderful Grandpa, if only he had kids who could appreciate that. Instead, he gives that love and attention to our niece, who adores him unconditionally.
I'm guessing in a way it's
I'm guessing in a way it's better he hasn't met the baby. I only say that because my BS16 fathered a child and I am unequivocally, head over heels, in love with her. My situation is a little different. BS lives with me. BM lives with her parents and the teens are NOT a couple. BM has withheld the baby from us, so far she has only done it once. That one time was incredibly painful for me.
Thankfully, she has recently been playing nice and the court forms that we have filled out and in an envelope, haven't been mailed out yet.
The instant she pulls another stunt, the papers are going in the mail and my BS16 will file for formal, court ordered, visitation.
I had no idea I could love another human being the way I love my own kids. I can probably say, I think I love her more.
These kids have no idea how
These kids have no idea how lucky they are to have parents who wants to be involved. My parents are not kid people and don't really care if they see my son or not. I see all these grandparents clamoring to babysit and my parents have never once babysat my son. He's almost 3 and they live very close. I understand that's not their thing, but I don't get these kids who use their kids as weapons. Just sad.
Thanks for all your
Thanks for all your comments.
It is a good idea to begin a savings account for the child with a letter. You are correct about Narcissistic Personalities, you cannot win with them no matter how much you try to reason with them. They are so self-absorbed, and wanting to control everything they can't see how foolish they are acting.
We have also floated my hubby putting posts on his Facebook account, very simple, non-confrontational things like "Welcome to the World Grandson - Hope to See You Soon" and "Happy Birthday", etc... We figure that when the child is old enough to start using the computer (these days that may be at age 3 or 4?) and looks up his grandpa, he will see that he was loved from afar, and there was a desire for a relationship. These narcissistic kids don't seem to understand that their actions now can come back to bite them on the butt later!
Yes, even if my hubby was able to see his grandchild now, the baby wouldn't remember him, and he will miss the diapers and the "terrible twos".
He is able to wait until the boy is older and gets curious about family history.
My OSD had a son and during
My OSD had a son and during his first year I spent quite a bit of time with him and became very attached. OSD then became pregnant with 2nd child and just out of the blue moved and didn't talk to us for 1 1/2 years. Things have gotten better with OSD who now has 3 boys and the last one is 3 weeks old and she named him after my dh. That was huge for me as I know MSD, YSS, & BM would be against it.
MSD was expecting her first child and invited me to baby shower which was at BM's home. I did not want to go but ended up going & giving gifts. Thought everything went great but that was the last time I have talked to her. Since then she had a wedding & married the baby's father (we were not invited to the wedding), we never saw the baby and now she has a 2nd child. After her first child was born I was rather obsessed with the situation and just could not understand how she could treat her father so crappy. Now I say it was all a blessing since she brought nothing but strife to our home anyway. We tried hard to have a relationship but you can't make someone love you. Five years now. I feel there is no need to even try to see her children as I am sure she will poison the kids against us just as bm has poisoned her.
It is sad that a parent will use their own children to manipulate & control or just to hurt another person. To deny these babies a relationship with loving grandparents is abuse in and of itself in my opinion.
Wish you luck.
When skids use their
When skids use their offspring as a means to control/punish/manipulate, I think there's only two choices: Submit & be victimized at their whim, or disengage. There is no easy option.
DH & I chose the latter. Skid is a GU who uses the gskids to extort $$. We were essentially in a one-way, pay per view relationship. I finally couldn't do it anymore. I realized that no matter how much I gave, skid is just not that into us. We were merely a resource, a revenue stream. And as soon as I spoke up, Wham! All contact with the gskids ceased. DH & I were heartbroken. We went from seeing or talking to the gskids daily to nothing. They have been poisoned against us. And that is something DH will never forgive.
If you have the type of skid that is low enough to use their children as leverage, I wouldn't bother getting emotionally involved at. all. I like your idea of starting an educational fund - but keep it a secret. The fb posts? I think they would only reveal your vulnerability, and skid will likely exploit that.
Guess who called her daddy
Guess who called her daddy last night?
This happened before when I was regularly posting here on these boards - I would post our frustration, ask for support, you all would give good advise and confirm for us how selfish and narcissistic these skids were being........then suddenly they would call us!
The son mostly would call us to complain that I was posting here. His evil FIANCE at the time - now his wife - would put him up to it because a LOT of our complaints were about her PSYCHO behavior........like her stalking me her then complaining about my being here. She DEMANDED that I stop posting here! Yeah right, like I am going to be controlled by HER! I believe she is still stalking me here - checking to see what I post and telling the others about it.
I may be wrong, but I find it interesting that the day after I post here my hubby's daughter calls him to set up a time to meet his grandson. If it wasn't my posts, then hopefully someone else gave her a good talking to about her selfish behavior.
Her excuses were that she has been "tired" and that is why she hasn't returned my hubby's call. Like she is the only one who has had a baby before? We know she has had her mother there, and other people to help her. She always has excuses for her rude and selfish behavior.
Anyway, we will see if she honors her word to contact my hubby next week to set up a time for him to see them.
Thanks again for your input.
Well, if DIL is reading this
Well, if DIL is reading this thread, I offer this for consideration:
Because of her selfish, shortsighted ways, my skid no longer has our help with her kids. No babysitting, no dropoffs/pick ups at school when she has a schedule conflict, etc. When an emergency pops up, we are no longer there to help with money, time, vehicles, or food. No more free stuff like $chool clothe$, $hoe$, fundraiser$, extracurricular fee$ & equipment. Gskids no longer get to enjoy the vacation$ & special trip$ to fun educational places we took them on. Their overall quality of life has diminished without grandpa & grandma's contribution.
As for their mother? She's looking worn out these days. Raising kids is exhausting work, and she doesn't have as much help as she used to.
Having gone through it
Having gone through it myself, I'm so sorry you have to suffer this experience. I guess you just can't have a healthy relationship with unhealthy people. DH & I feel that with us out of the equation the gskids can't be used as tools of manipulation, and that's better for them.
It hurts so much not to have those sweet kids in our life! And surely we aren't the only grandparents experiencing this?