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AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Wed, 07/05/2017 - 10:38am

I am sure many of you have read my stuff well soon to be SS8's biological mom is not in the picture and he has no memory of her.

Anyway I finally got curious after a year and half and dug for more information about her. SO knew her current married name plus I figured it out through google.

Well turns out she has a few more kids, is married and has been for several years. Her oldest looks to only be a few years young than SS8 I am guessing like 5 possibly 6. Has a home and from the looks of it pretty stable. Yes I facebook stalked....big reason why I never put too much personal stuff out there.

Anyway I want to know your thoughts on two things. Yeah some have given tidbits here and there but I am truly curious and would like to read all the responses on one thread.

1. Why would she not have anything to do with her first born when she has several more children and seems to be doing fairly well, especially with the second one not being that much younger than ss8?

2. SO and I are debating about a few things since we moved in and taking cautions about what would happen to SS8 if something happened to SO. As of now she will be contacted and have rights to take him. I do not think is best to leave it like that as SS8 has no memory of who she is only seen a picture a few times. Even is parents and sister probably would not get him either. So what does SO do to make sure his son is taken care of? Does he look into terminating her rights or does he make a statement and will and hope that a court would follow it even though they do not need to?

Feedback please?

Comments

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Wed, 07/05/2017 - 10:57am

Perhaps there are some things that you have not been told. If I were in your position I would read all of the relevant court documents so that I knew the what was in them and the exact terms of the most current parenting plan. It concerns me that you are about to marry your husband but have not seen these documents. I think that seeing a copy of his legal obligations for yourself is an important step to take before committing to him, just as you both revealing your financial situation (debts etc) is important.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Wed, 07/05/2017 - 11:02am

I agree, he still has a few things at his parents like important document like this. He is getting the court documents in the next two days as he needs them when he registers his son for school. I will be seeing them and will read through them. I trust my SO and I know he has no lied about this, I have never asked either because everyone in his family was telling me the same thing.

I will read them.

Jlbfinch's picture

Submitted by Jlbfinch on Wed, 07/05/2017 - 1:54pm

I am kind of in the same boat though I'm in your SO's position. My ex husband is a total dead beat to our two kids. He doesn't pay any child support and also hasn't made any contact or attempts to see them in years. On paper he has EOWE and he's supposed to be paying $650/mo in child support (which I've never attempted to collect). My DH and I have discussed him adopting my kids but I leave it alone for now bc part of me is scared that if I serve him court papers about it that he's going to "wake up" and realize he wants a relationship with the kids. I don't want him in their lives at all. As it is right now if something were to happen to me my girls would go with my parents who they are extremely close to. I am confident that my ex wouldn't fight my parents in court but he might fight me over terminating his rights.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Wed, 07/05/2017 - 2:12pm

Yeah my SO is nervous too. It is a slippery slope to go down and not knowing what could happen. My SO and I have discussed where he wants his son to go in case anything were to happen to him. It use to be his sister/parents but he is leaning more towards me because his son is super attached to me now and refers to me as mom among his friends and even calls me mommy sometimes. I am certain once we are married he will just want his son to stay with me. I am the only person SS8 has ever referred to as "mom". The other day I was playing with my cats and I was loving on them and holding them saying how are my little butts yeah "mommy loves you" he was there and said it to me and gave me a big hug.

At this point I just let that happen the way it will happen.

onwednesdayswewearpink's picture

Submitted by onwednesdayswew... on Thu, 07/06/2017 - 8:01am

She is the only mommy this kid has, what's wrong with that?! She takes care of him and from the sounds of the kid looks at her like a mom.

WalkOnBy's picture

Submitted by WalkOnBy on Thu, 07/06/2017 - 8:22am

A court wouldn't see it that way, though. Most courts will give the surviving parent the child over a non-related person. OP has no legal presence in this kid's life, and that's how the court will see her.

It's DH's greatest fear while my skids are still minors, to be honest.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Thu, 07/06/2017 - 1:15pm

Thank you for the concern and no there is not plan of me adopting right now or soon. We have discussed it but it is the last thing ever mentioned as that is a huge thing to take on. Yes I know what it would mean and the responsibility that I would take on.

He does not look at me as a nanny or a maid. He does his fair share around the house so far. I know you all have pointed out the red flags and my SO and I discussed plenty of them. It has not been all on him his parents are super overbearing to the point I want to scream.

So far we are still goo living together and this is the best relationship I have ever had. He is a really great guy who has a pretty great kid. I have never in my life had a man treat me the way he does and that is like and equal and with total respect.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 07/06/2017 - 7:46am

I just have this really odd vibe. If BM is "doing great" has new kids etc.. why on earth isn't anyone trying to make her pay CS? It's seems obvious that the DAD hasn't been financially stable enough to provide a home before now. Surely the mother should be contributing as well right?

I'm not saying they have to force visitation, but they should be enforcing support.

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Thu, 07/06/2017 - 7:51am

that's not for OP to decide is it...

She's merely a GF for almost a year, it's up to the father to decide if he's going to nail the BM for CS or ignore it

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 07/06/2017 - 10:43am

true.. but she also shouldn't be involved in the "who gets the boy" issue either, but apparently is...

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Thu, 07/06/2017 - 1:08pm

How should I not be involve when everyone has involved me. I asked at one point when things were starting to get more serious and I started to care more for SS so I asked and SO said his sister. I was like ok.

Than as time went on his family asked me instead of him and I just said him and I discussed it and simply pointed out BM did not terminate her rights. After that I asked SO. When we bought the house we had to sign paper since we are not married who gets his half of the house and who gets mine. A lot of things came up and since we decided to get married it changes things.

So yeah I want to know things especially before I legally tie myself to this man forever. What is wrong with that? What is wrong with asking and being informed and having as much information as possible before I decided to spend the rest of my life with this man.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Fri, 07/07/2017 - 8:12am

I never said I delighted in it. I did not cut anyone out I just tried to set boundaries so that things would be easier for me, SO and SS to figure out a new way of life. I am not driving a wedge there is no relationship between the kid and his BM he does not even know who she is because he has no memory of her.

I am not trying to do anything. Let's face it I am not the only one creating the drama here his family keeps asking me things and I really just refer to my SO. His mom texts me and I tell him to respond I am not dealing with it. His sister get on the phone with SS and shows him a pool via video chat and asks him if he would like to go swimming the one weekend. Well she set up SO there to be a total ass if he had said no and deal with an 8 year old being cranky.

He agreed to let him go but even now when we are in our own home they still do not respect my SO at all to ask him first. I rolled my eyes when it happened and have kept my mouth shut on this because it is not worth it to deal with it.

I am planning on marrying my SO and my relationship with my SO is good. I am with my SO because I love him and want to be with him has nothing to do with his son. Yeah I consider my self pretty lucky that I have this pretty great guy that I love who has a pretty great kid that I really get along with. The three of us a pretty happy right now. I like spending time with SS because he is funny and smart and fun to be around. I feel the same about me niece and nephew.

robin333's picture

Submitted by robin333 on Thu, 07/06/2017 - 7:58am

I had good reason to be concerned about what happened to DD if I died since first DH died when she was 8. It still took years with current DH ( and being married for years) before I concerned and discussed the possibility of DD staying with him. Years.

Slow down is my best advice.

onwednesdayswewearpink's picture

Submitted by onwednesdayswew... on Thu, 07/06/2017 - 8:02am

I would try to file for abandonment, publish in the newspaper and do the adoption and rights termination in one swoop.

Tuff Noogies's picture

Submitted by Tuff Noogies on Thu, 07/06/2017 - 8:43am

ok i say this from a very unique perspective. i was raised by my dad and stepmom - yes i called her 'mom'. i have no doubt that if something had happened to dad, i would have stayed with her. i love my bio-mom dearly, but at that time she'd been remarried and had three more younger children, and we only saw her once every few months. mom (smom) would have continued caring for me the same way she always had done, no doubt in my mind. my brother, on the other hand, would have gone straight back to our bio-mom.

with that COD perspective, i also have a certain view as a custodial sm. dh and lurch have discussed this very same possibility - lurch himself asked dh if something were to happen to dh, if he could stay with me - abso-effing-lutely YES. kaos, like my brother, would end up straight back at his bio-family (quite likely w/ g-ma, since dumb@$$ is *ahem* not stable).

that being said, i understand your willingness to care for your ss. but having an open heart for him is different in the eyes of the law. your SO cannot just take ss from his mother, he can't just terminate her rights. and remember he is still just your SO - not legally bound to you. you already own a home together, but legally are not partners at the moment. your SO can't take bm's rights and pass them on to an unrelated adult (you). if something were to happen to my dh, YES i would take custody of lurch - dh and i are legally married and lurch is well past the age in this state where the court would allow him to choose who he wants to live with. you and your SO are not married, and your ss is still very young so for you things would unfold very differently. it's great that your heart is so open to your ss, but legally you are very limited. i would strongly advise your SO to have a consultation with an attorney to see what the options may be.