Yay for boundaries...
Finally FDH has set boundaries with BM. Simple ones, not to come past our foyer unless asked in by an adult and that we will have seperate parties if we don't have a large one in a public place. That's all but the crap hit the fan. She responded very negatively , bashing me for being insecure and him for putting me first over his kids. I'm sorry but I don't see those two boundaries as crazy She claims because of me everything is changing and things have gotten worse and worse since we started dating. He no longer plays handyman at her house and stands up for himself now. They don't talk as much as they used to BUT they still talk and are friendly. She claims I told him he can't help her do anything anymore at her house, that I yell at him about their relationship in front of the kids, that I won't let him come to their house and that I tell him they need to have a worse relationship. The list goes on and on. He swears he has never brought up these things with her because they simply aren't true so I'm wondering what their youngest is going home and telling mom or I mom is just crazy and making these things up in her own head. We have always gotten along really well with the exceptions of the boundaries we saw fit but now BM is flying off the handle and telling FDH that these things will greatly upset the kids and he is making a huge mistake and the kids know it's all because of me. Oh the joys of this life!
This is absolutely normal
This is absolutely normal behaviour on the part of BM -it's like trying to discipline a spoilt child, of course there will be resistance! It's hard work but as long as your DH & you work as a team it will be worth it in the end. When my DH first started trying to put boundaries in place with BM - after countless arguments between us- all hell broke loose. My DH & BM also use to do joint birthday parties in public places (ie. DH would book up, pay & invite everyone and then on the day BM would swan in and play MOTY). After we had been together for 3 years and got engaged I then attended the party & BM had an absolute fit and since then things unravelled from there. It's taken 6 years but it feels great now, when BM still tries to test the boundaries and DH puts her in her place without me having to say anything. DH has also finally realised the importance of discussing things with me prior to agreeing to anything with BM which may affect our household. The BM in your situation clearly feels she is losing her grip on your DH's balls & this is pissing her off to no end. It's great that the issue of boundaries is being addressed now prior to your wedding.
A grown up would have
A grown up would have respected your wishes with no problem...There is nothing normal about an overaged entitled child like response like the one she displayed..Her embarrassment..not yours...Her personal issue to deal with ...not your problem....It is not your job ( or anyone else's for that matter) to be responsible for her emotional state of being....She needs to own that. Once you have moved passed her tantrum stage...Now that everyone is clear on your boundaries that work for you...It is what it is...and she does not get to "weigh in" on what you and your husband choose to do in your own home.
Your relationship with your husband is as exclusive as you both choose for it to be. She needs to back off...She is fortunate you let her in the foyer....The bm in our family has never been to my home...This is my refuge from the rest of society and she was one of the last people I wanted in my personal space...
I would not give her reaction the time of day....you have so much more important things to think about than her reaction...Good for you. Time to rise above the life patterns that were a thing of the past and Choose the life you love to live....
And the kids being second to your marriage?..duh. All children are second to a marriage relationship...That is the order in which children come...First a marriage. then children...It does not change just because He re-married. Your marriage does come first...Otherwise everything is out of whack in the family. Children need to know their place and respect the authority of their parents.. In this case they need to respect their father's choice of spouse just as much. The step parent does not share the same seat of authority as a child. You do not lower yourself to being their equal... Know the seat you sit in is equal to your spouse regarding the family order.
This is where the confusion comes in when you marry someone with children. Because they were here first...does not change the authority structure. You are here now...and it is something they will all have to adjust to..When you give their opinions too much "weight"..that is when you blur the lines and create problems....When households are "child centered" issues like entitlement, blurred lines of intimacy, decision making lines, money issues, it goes on and on and one...they are just symptoms of step-children and BM's who do not know their place...and they try to run you over with a mac truck...(they will if you let them)...Don't get me wrong...we still love them...but, with that being said...They need clear concise boundaries because if they are a product of divorce, many of them have unintentionally migrated into the missing spouse's role because of their absence in the marriage...and that's where the confusion comes in when their father remarried....That is why so many of them have a hard time adjusting to a new step parent, because it feels like you are stepping on their toes because they were sitting in a seat that was not theirs to sit in in the first place...and when you come along and take your rightful place...they have a hard time giving it up..That is their parent's fault for allowing them to sit in that seat to begin with...Most of the time it is an unintended result of divorce,,nonetheless...it creates a lot of confusion and misunderstanding when it comes to the family structure....
Your husband has chose to start over with you. You are his new spouse. The old marriage is done. It is impossible to cut all soul ties with BM when they have had children together. (the children are a soul tie) That is something they will have to deal with...many Bm's cannot resist the temptation to use the kids as pawns to manipulate...It's sad because they need to separate the two issues of the failed relationship with each other, and having to finish raising the children...and most of them cannot do that...
Consistency to keeping the new boundaries and respecting your position is something you will both have to approach with intention if you want your bm and the children to "get it"...Once they learn your family culture and you stick to it..Hopefully it will get easier over time....It is a lot easier to set those boundaries early in the game than to wait and try to ease them in over time...because life patterns get established over time, and people have a hard time changing something that has been established.....I remember when my dh and I first got married...wow...the bm had two husbands hers and mine...I started establishing boundaries and she did the same thing...Hell and brimstone flew...It actually took a year before she finally got the message that...She has no say...her role is over when it comes to your dh's life and his decisions ...that is not her job anymore...Time for a reality check...she is being totally inappropriate and "out of line"...Her opinion about this, and everything else regarding your lives.... is irrelevant and unwanted.
You are the gatekeeper of your family, it's culture...the Peace in your home, the atmosphere being a place of refuge,...You play an important role in protecting your lives from unwanted elements coming in and disrupting your marriage, family, home....Boundaries do that....keep unwanted people out of your personal space...It is not only your right..but as the wife...it is your responsibility....Who is going to do it if you don't? ...Living your lives with intention usually ticks someone off....but you have to be about protecting the most important thing...your family....you can never start too soon, and you do not have the luxury of waiting until "everyone else gets it.....
She claims because of me
She claims because of me everything is changing
It's called, moving on. She should try it.
It is too bad that a lot of these men do not have boundaries from the time of divorce.