Stepfathering 911!!! Biological mother compares me to her abusive father
Hello all,
This is my first post. I'm 33 my wife is 37 and her children are 7(C), 10(S), and 13(H). I have no biological children of my own.
Let me give you a brief about the skids are there mother's viewpoint:
C is the youngest, smart kid, but he thinks he's still the baby, is a jerk, brown-noser and a momma's boy.
Mom's viewpoint = the flawless, precious lil' angel.
S is middle kid, is black (mom and I are white), extremely athletic/energetic, but he's the drama queen and the boss to EVERYONE, he's 10 but acts like he's 4.
Mom's viewpoint = the problem child but needs protection from big ol' mean stepdad.
H is the oldest, kind and sweet but she is a coward, forgetful and may have the occasional blonde-moments. 
Mom's viewpoint = good kid but should be expected to know everything.
So to set up the situation, S came downstairs at 9:25pm looking for a snack. He opens the fridge and stands there staring in the fridge for over 1 1/2 minutes. I make the comment that he's wasting electricity leaving the door open. And in S's usual dramatic way he pouts, lowers his brow, crosses his arms and stomps upstairs thinking that I told him that he couldn't have a snack.
So ten minutes later he comes down again and this times gets into the freezer and grabs a Hot Pocket box. Normally he'll sneak food and normally the Hot Pockets are for me for my lunches at work. I'm the only one working the house hold BTW. So I asked if those Hot Pockets are for my lunches? He said, "Mom said that I..." and before he finished his sentence he chucked the Hot Pocket Box, like a Frisbee, and did his drama thing again. So this time I stopped him and asked him why he did what he did. He said he didn't mean to. I told that if his mom said it was okay then I would need to confirm that, because S is notorious for lying about his mom or me giving him permission for thing when we never said anything close to that.
So S stomps upstairs and mom/wife stomps down stares and escalates the situation that I this bully who overrides her and that the kids fear me and that I'm not suppose to be a father but just the support role and that she (wife) will never let her kids experienced what her mother went through while living with her late abusive father.
There's more but it would take forever to write this out.
Super, then she should get a
Super, then she should get a job and move out so her precious darlings won't be subjected to this horrible evil, child abusing man she married to leech off of.
This is a manipulation tactic to make you back off. Apparently you aren't supposed to speak to her darlings unless you're gushing rainbows and skittles, rushing to fulfill their every desire. So accuse you of abuse. Does she believe it? I don't know, but I would be wary of this. If she's willing to start throwing this around, she may be willing to say these things to friends, family or heaven forbid, the police if you get sick enough of her bs and ask her to take her kids and leave.
You should think very hard about this situation and what you want in life. If sounds like the middle kid at least is willing to get physical and that he's never held accountable for his actions. He's 10. When the hormones start pumping and he starts thinking he's grown, that he doesn't have to respect you (cause mom obviously doesn't) what do you think is going to happen? And if the worst occurs and this kid gets physical with you, what will mom say when the police turn up? Or you say you don't want to live with a violent kid? That you provoked him? That he was defending himself? That your years of abuse made the kid snap?
Personally, if she didn't change her take on things and oh I don't know, Parent and I mean tomorrow, I wouldn't be sticking around for this crap.
She has threaten multiple
She has threaten multiple times to leave but then backs off for "the sake of the family."
To give further details I have spanked S once, and the wife told her counselor that I spanked S and her counselor called CPS to make sure I wasn't abusing S. My wife told me that CPS deemed it not abuse but the counselor took note of the situation so technically there is a document out there that I'm a potential child abuser.
Really? And you don't think
Really? And you don't think that is what she is setting you up for now? They aren't your kids. Why are you putting up with this? Why are any of us??
Sounds like a stupid thing to
Sounds like a stupid thing to argue about. Maybe you should have let the kid just eat the hot pocket in peace.
If you are on edge because of being sole provider to your partner and her children, that's a different issue entirely,
an important one that should be dealt with appropriately.
Also, to the PP I didn't read anything about the kid getting physical. You're making pretty big leaps and bounds.
He chucked the box. Throwing
He chucked the box. Throwing things = being physical. Physical with an object perhaps but it shows lack of physical impulse control, which if not checked, as they age often become being physical with living beings and not just inanimate objects. In an adult, throwing objects is considered a red flag for future physical abuse, even if the object is not thrown at a person. So I didn't consider it that much of a leap.
We have taken S to a
We have taken S to a psychologist. He has been diagnosed with ADHD but his impulses are more than ADHD. When the kid doesn't get his way he has an evil look on his face. The psychologist has suggested that he might be bipolar. We were supposed to get him tested but my wife has yet to do the paperwork and every time I ask if she has done the paperwork(because she knows S's medical history) she gets pissed and accuses me of wanting to "fix the family to my standards."
I actually am the sole
I actually am the sole provider. My wife used to work but she quit her job because of the move. Her and the kids moved to where I am. After the move we both agreed that she could take the Summer off so she and the kids could get situated. Once school starts she would look for a part time job.
Well C, her precious lil' angel, was starting school for the first time and as I predicted his behavior was that of a bully. He would get physical with other students, he talked back to his teacher he even talked back to the principle. He was getting notices sent home almost everyday. But my wife, deeming C the flawless kid, did not get on to C for his behavior but rather blamed the school and his teacher. When we went to a parent teacher conference my wife told both the teacher and principle that when it comes to C they both should have more understanding that it is C's first time in school and he has a hard time making the transition. Of course I sat there in a constant facepalm.
To keep the peace the principle mentioned that there is half day kindergarten, and immediately my wife demanded that C go into half days. So for the rest of the school year C went to half days and forced my wife not to go to work. To this day my wife still does not work and now we are in a financial mess.
I have taken up plasma donations and after Christmas break I'm going to look for a second job.
Both
Both
Not your kids, not your place
Not your kids, not your place to discipline ... usually means "not your place to decide grounding or taking away xbox etc."
It is not unreasonable to expect decent behavior from the minor children that you are supporting. Civil conversations, boundaries respected works both ways.
It may work both ways but
It may work both ways but according to the kids I'm the big mean ol' bully and mommy is the throwrug. Meaning since I get on to the kids when they behave wrong the kids will run to mommy to get out of trouble. Once mommy pardons them 5 minutes later the kids treat her like crap.
It has gotten so bad that when I'm not even in the room my wife and her kids scream at each other but when I step in it's a fire got put out and it looks like nothing ever happened. I ask what's going on and both my wide and kids pretend that everything is fine. They even tell me.
What does the kid's race have
What does the kid's race have to do with anything? I can't figure why that piece of information was needed. Are the dads paying CS? If so, you aren't the only one supporting the household.
If mom thinks you're abusive, then she's a idiot for forcing he children to live with you. She should be taking steps to get away from you ASAP.
S is the middle child, and I
S is the middle child, and I know from experience that insecurities arise from being the middle child. He knows that his skin color is different he has suggested that we get onto him because he's black. S has never met his father, his father wasn't even there when he was born.
She has threatened to leave but everything, including our two vehicles are in my name. She says that she can't leave because she is being held prisoner here. I told her if you want to take the van she can but then she backs off.
How many dads are there and
How many dads are there and are they paying CS? If none of the dads are in the picture and/or supporting their children, what made you think marrying this woman was a good idea?
You mentioned the middle child's race in your OP, but race has nothing to do with your complaints. If he the kid has been with mom all his life, then having a different skin color than his mom and siblings is his normal. His momther doesn't discipline him so there's no reason for him to suddenly think she has an issue with the color of his skin.
I find it odd that the only child you gave a physical description of is the one you seem to have the biggest issue with. It's possible that his opinion of why you stay on him is valid.
Disney you are saying
Disney you are saying everything I wanted to say!
How did you meet this woman?
How did you meet this woman?
Online
Online
I mentioned S is black
I mentioned S is black because he has begun using his skin color to falsely assume that he gets in trouble because he's black. Believe it or not I love him and I was planning to adopt him as my own son. But with everything that has been going on I have reconsidered. It is truly sad that my SS has to suffer through this. I am not a racist.
If BM/DW expects you to be
If BM/DW expects you to be the meal ticket and her equity life partner but does not step up to be your equity life partner or recognize that equity life partnership also makes you an equity parent to any children in your home then your blended family marriage is on very, very thin ice.
IMHO of course.
The kids generally sound like fairly normal kids. The issue is your bride. She has no desire to be your equity life partner and he has daddy issues that she is transposing on to you. Not good, not good at all.
Your blended family dynamic sounds like a multiple biodad situation or maybe an adoption situation which definitely can complicate the blended family thing and certainly needs to be addressed in how you and your DW partner to parent the children in your home.
My own Skid (SS-22) is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock Sperm Idiot spawned half sibs by three different baby mamas. SS is an only child in our home. Sperm Idiot spawn #2 is a girl with fetal drug use birth defects that have required significant reconstructive surgery (fingers and toes) and #3 and #4 are biracial boys (Black mom/White dad (the Sperm Idiot) ) struggling with the black gangster aspirations of their Opie Cunningham looking (He is in no way African American he just aspires to be a Crip or a Blood) Sperm Idiot and their actual gangbanger uncles on their mom’s side of the equation.
The situations and issues with the three younger half sibs have been difficult for my son (SS) to deal with so his mom and I have had to be very supportive of the Skid as his younger half sibs have struggled with their issues. SS took an intervention trip to Sperm Land in the spring to put his dad and his two younger brothers against the wall over the two boys recent gang activity related arrests. His message was that if the boys did not cease and desist the gang crap immediately he would come back and kick their asses and he let DickHead know that his ass would be beaten for each infraction the boys perpetrated so daddy had better step up and parent or big bro would chew him up and spit him out. His talk with the Sperm Idiot included putting him partially through the sheet rock in Sperm Grandma's rental where DickHead lives rent free.
Blending a family is a challenge under any circumstance trying to blend a multi-racial family is just a higher level of complication that could have to be addressed. We have dealt with it as far as the impact that it has on my Skid but not on a daily basis within our own home. We have friends who have a blended multi-racial family that includes, his (bio), hers (bio and adopted), theirs (bio and adopted) and the balance and parenting is notably more complicated than our situation.
Take care of yourself through all of this. You have a lot to deal with particularly in regards to your bride’s lack of equity partnership engagement and daddy issues.
Good luck.
If I were u I would listen to
If I were u I would listen to the advise of theses people on here. I shouldve listened abd didnt and now am stuck in a nightmare.My ss12 has came at me again and been suspended for 3 days and also just got an in school suspension on Wednesday. His mom always worries more about what the other kids did inset of her precious lazy mini hubby.it will not change. I buy special food for my 2 1/2 year old because he has a severe allergy to corn (not fun to shop fot). The 12 yr old hubby eats everything in site including my sons food. Then lies right to our face about it. I finally had enough and have disengaged I have rheumatoid arthritis and work my ass off everyday building houses. I do all the cooking and all my own laundry and my 2 year olds laundry. My wife constantly makes excuses for lazy and princesd ( my nick namesfor her two boys) sorry if it ssounds cruel but they both are lazy whiners. My advise is to DISENGAGE and buy your own food. If u can store your lunches at work. I have to store half my lunches in my truck and tool crib. I figured since my ss fathers rights werelong ago terminated it would be eeasier. HE'LL no. So now I'm dealing with a mini hubby and a spoiled one who both always get what they want. Think about the long term.
^^^^^^^Actually haven't read
^^^^^^^Actually haven't read the thread but this is exactly my point of view, tog. If the woman believed it, she should be outta there like a streak of lightning. If I think I'm in the house with an abusive or dangerous person, I don't confront the guy and try to outbully him. I get the f out.
Therefore, her own actions prove she didn't believe it. She's just trying to beat this guy down and make him live on guilt and self-doubt while she spends his money and enjoys being queen of her kids unfettered by anyone else's opinions.
In this day and age of people
In this day and age of people learning that being a victim gets them something and having no personal accountability you cant just assume that because someone says they were abused that it is true. Im sorry. In a perfect world nobody would lie and real victims of abuse would always get all the help they need. And they deserve all the help in the world so I dont want people thinking that I am for men abusing women. I am not.
My DH has been labeled an abuser by his ex. My DH is in law enforcement. She called his job and spoke to internal affairs and told them DH threatened her and had his gun out and was going to shoot her. It never happened. Its laughable. My DH has been a victim of this woman his entire life from when he met her. Then I was. SHe ruined her own daughter because she doesnt even know how to love someone normally without smothering them and controlling them. SD is a 22 year old child that cant drive woek or do anything without Mommy to do it for her. And that makes the Bm happy. BM is a sick sick person and very dangerous. She seems completely normal to people who just meet her and she puts her best foot forward. Once they get to know her they see what she is. She is bipolar and has been diagnosed BPD.
They came to my house and took my DHs guns away and started an investigation. She had a restraining order out on DH for her and then 4 year old SD that he was going to hurt SD also. And everyone knew DH was innocent and BM was playing a game- the guys who came to take his gun, the internal affairs investigators and even the court wound up throwing it out eventually.Why? Because they saw her behavior in court and also when she spoke to internal affairs. But there has been a shadow over DHs reputation ever since. They watched him closely for years and some people who didnt know us very well believed her.
So you may think im only telling you a one sided story. Im sure if BM was on here she would tell you it all happened and she is a victim. But false accusations happen and they are severely damaging to a man. he could have lost his job. He was passed over for a promotion that was in the bag for him He had been acting sergeant for a while when this was going on and was a shoo in for the position. He was passed over for someone with less experience. I have no proof but its suspicious to me.
The Op's wife sounds not all there. I can only go by what he says. Hes the sole provider and hes the male figure in his house.Asking the child if his mom gave him permission for the hot pocket is not unreasonable.. Seems reasonable to me . Maybe he didnt say it while farting rainbows- I dont know. Mom comes downstairs with an attitude and tells him she reminds him of his abusive father. Thats quite a stretch.
Wow! You sound exactly like
Wow! You sound exactly like my wife. So thank you for judging me and using self-righteous words such as, "Nobody accuses a person of being mean or abusive if they are not being mean or abusive." That is the most despicable notion I have ever read.
I just got here and you are going to judge me because you assume I'm a mean and abusive stepfather?
You know what I'm going to be the bigger person here. When I read the slogan for this website "A place for stepparents to vent," I thought this is where I need to go. Even though your self-righteous words hurt I will forgive you and move on.
However you lost any chance for a support member.
Have a nice day!
Maybe she is being
Maybe she is being manipulative and he is being defensive because the situation is totally out of control. Unruly skids with an overly permissive mother. Wife wont go to work and wont leave him or try to improve the situation.
We have a BM that swears DH abused her all through the marriage. Physically and mentally. This woman has never been abused in her life. She does the abusing. She has attacked me and my DH in the past and then would throw herself on the ground when one of us would block her and say we pushed her and her back was killing her. Me and my DH have been emotionally abused by this woman for 18 years. It took her turning my SD and DHs entire family against us to finally realize there are battles that cant be won.
Sounds like this woman found her meal ticket and likes that OP takes care of her and her kids financially but expects him to be a schmuck and keep paying and let her children run around doing whatever they want like before. If she wants that then she needs to get out with her kids and let them be animals in her own home and not inflict them on people shes supposed to love.Especially over a hot pocket. Im sorry if she has issues with her father but that doesnt mean OP cant disipline kids living in his home full time. Otherwise he will be a virtual prisoner to them and they will call the shots. How many posters here get on husbands for being Disney Dads? How about Disney Moms? They exist.
Women get abused.This is a disclaimer to all women that have faced abuse. Its wrong and the men that do it deserve to burn in hell. But So do men. By vindictive, personality disordered woman. Its just not something most men want to admit too. I dont like to jump the gun and automatically say a woman is being abused just because she says so. Depends on the whole picture. Women are much stronger mentally than most people give them credit for. My DH is a big burly man but a marshmallow. Didnt hit BM or me or the kids. Ever. Its not him. BM is about 115 pounds and likes to scratch, hit, shove at me or DH. On our own property. Would come to us to do it. But she swears DH used to beat her enough to leave marks. People believe her though. Why? Shes a good victim. Knows how to play. We sit there openmouthed and in disbelief while she tells people this and she truly believes it. Why? Shes totally loony tunes.
Op should not be spanking any of the kids though. That one will come back to bite you. Take away privledges or whatever but nothing physical. Courts and CPS wont like that. Wife has to get on the same page for rules and disipline or it will never work. Kids are young. Its a long haul until theyre grown and I wouldnt depend on them moving out at all with the way she is babying them.
Stick around, don't let the
Stick around, don't let the negative nellys bring you down. I am new here too and have several who tell me I'm in the wrong when I don't feel like I am.
I get what you are saying in your post.
S got physical - he got mad that you scolded him the first time so he left, he knew the Hot Pockets were yours and he came to get one. When he got scolded again he threw the box and had a temper tantrum to get his way.
Your wife fails to take responsibility for her children's actions. It's only going to get worse as she allows it.
You are the only one supporting everyone. Make decisions now how you want it to be. Your wife has your number and will use the abuse card to her liking. Don't be surprised if she even puts you in jail on account of it at some point and time. I see that happening with how she raises the kids and plays that card. Just MHO. Stand your ground and figure out what you are willing to take.
Welcome to the board, vent anytime.
My 2 cents, if your spouse is
My 2 cents, if your spouse is calling you abusive or believing you are then she should just plain leave of course. And that's what I would tell her.
I wouldn't really wait for her answer because in your situation, I would be busy making plans for one of us to move.
Honestly, I don't see anything but trouble ahead for you. Get out now. Even if she backs down on the abuse accusation, she is still trying to make you into the family's personal money market (it pays out while you do nothing) with no rights as an adult, let alone parent.
None of these kids are yours. Go. Before there's a fourth kid that is.
Totally agree. And I hope the
Totally agree. And I hope the OP noticed the reaction to his post was almost universally supportive of him and that he comes back. He will need the support. He's in a bad situation.