Blended life is sad
I did not grow up in a divorced home. Nobody in my family was divorced or blended. Ever since I had my DD I just feel sad for the whole situation. I feel sad for my SD who only gets to see her father every other weekend/one weekday and EOW during the summer. I cannot imagine how different my life would be like if I didn't wake up to my father every morning. It hurt me when SD told me on Fathers Day she doesn't need a father, and all the PAS crap. It hurts that she sees her sister and I as her dads "other family". I wonder how it will hurt my daughter only seeing her sister , and I'm afraid that when they are adults she wont want anything to do with my DD. I guess I can't compare my SD's divorced life to my childhood, it just makes me so sad. I feel sad for my DH too because I cannot imagine only seeing my DD EOW. It hurts him so much when his ex bashes him in front of SD. SD has her own room here but she still takes a suitcase back and forth with toys and clothes from her moms that she wants to bring here. I just think it's all so ridiculous and sad. Having to go to court to argue and fight for more time your own child. I realize this all sounds so naïve and babyish, but I had no idea how horrible divorce was and who it all affects until I became a stepmother 
It's the complete antithesis of how I grew up. It affects more than just the two parties. I don't agree with treating SD like a victim (she's figured out how to play the COD card) but it's all she knows. All she knows about marriage is what her mom tells her-"it's horrible", what she sees on TV and here EOW. Am I weird for feeling this way? This whole year has been filled with PAS so that contributes to my sorrow about blended families.
at least you have the vision
at least you have the vision of what an in tact family looks like....some of us aren't that fortunate.....
^^^ YUP. That's right on the
^^^ YUP. That's right on the marker.
I had no idea how much
I had no idea how much dysfunction came with 80% of divorced people...I was unaware people could even parent out of guilt until I got with my DH, realized something was "off" and googled all of this.
You're right on the money. I
You're right on the money. I spent my first year in Step-life throwing up, crying or unable to sleep because of rising blood pressure every time SD left. I'm in counseling because this life is so foreign to me. I grew up in Leave it to Beaver land where my mother didn't say ANYTHING negative about my father other than, "He's had a long day" or "He's just upset". It's such a strange adjustment-like I've been dropped in the middle of a foreign country.
I can't say that I am a fan
I can't say that I am a fan of the blended family. The problem is that the adults don't handle things right. You have one ding bat in the mix and kids are not allowed to adjust. Better yet an alcoholic or mentally ill parent or step-parent and it is a bigger mess. Think about families that aren't blended affected by alcoholism or mental illness. I do see blended families that work but never smoothly. We have to accept a "different" idea of family.
Disenchanted is a good word for it after experiencing the "blended family".
In my case the blended family issue is BM. It is BM and MIL. MIL has borderline personality disorder and BM is just an emotionally unstable mess. There are no words of wisdom or intelligence or many thought processes except emotional responses going on in her mind. My kids are doing okay. We have our moments and talk and keep the drama low. Instead of just exploding we talk. My step kids are a constant mind field of emotional explosion. I have learned to subtract myself. I smile, I compliment, I give positive advice if the time is right, I offer affection when I can and that is about it. I learned that they WANT from the BM what she can't give and what they see me giving my kids. So it is a no win.
I go along and just work and enjoy what I can. I won't do the drama anymore. I TRY to just keep a normal calm learning environment in my home full of love. The only way I can do that is by staying out of their issues and letting DH and BM figure it out. My step kids will always be in a state of emotional distress and all I can do is keep our house calm. My step son hasn't lived with us for a year and he is NO BETTER living with BM. Back at therapist and health issues due to anxiety. Not changed.
I think just accepting you have a blended family and realizing it won't be the same but if we want to stay in our new marriages we have to survive and make sure WE are happy. So only do what you can.
Take care & I understand what you wrote and why.
I at first thought that as a
I at first thought that as a new SM. My DH had my stepson full time when we dated and got married. It was then that he was 4 and about to start school. The school wanted a copy of the custody arrangement and since it said joint, we had to consult an attorney and file for sole custody. Should have easily been an open/shut case - BM hadn't wanted anything to do with SS in 2 years. Occasionally, she'd see him for an hour - she'd ask for a weekend maybe once every six months; however, she'd call within an hour or two begging us to take him. Then the Judge ruled - it started out joint again like it should have been then the trial came and BM claimed to want to be a full time mom. She was a SAHM with other kids. Judge gave her that chance.
At first it was heart breaking, child hated it. DH and I had a rough time adjusting just as much as SS. Now he loves it after 3-4 years of it. He has turned into a mini-BM. Lying, stealing, cheating, failing classes, lazy, etc. I lost sympathy for him along the way. This wasn't how I was raised at all. No one on my side or DH side were raised in divorce households so to raise a family plus start our own family in this mess has been hard.
I'll be honest, the resent is starting to grow from me over it. At a recent family event, MIL brought SS to - SS didn't say a word to me or BS who is 2. Didn't play with him or anything. His own half-brother. I see how it's going to be. Then again, he's said before BM told him his REAL siblings are her other children (his half-siblings) and my child is strictly my child, even though they share a dad.
My outlook is now: Focus on family with BS. We may be DH's second family but that doesn't mean we should be treated like less including from SS. SS is under BM's manipulation games and it's only going to get worse. PAS. The hardest part is DH adjusting to everything bc two families is harder on him.
Hi Standing in the Cold I
Hi Standing in the Cold
I understand the pain. And to think you had him full-time and you KNOW you were the better home with better values and ability to show this young man the good ways in life. Nope! Courts don't see that and don't care. My SS lies, cheats, doing poorly in school & LAZY just like mom.
Focus on BS!!! That is the direction you need to go. My MIL doesn't even acknowledge my two kids. She barely knew my beautiful, sweet, smart & amazing athelite daughter and she blindly was telling my SIL that she as the kind of girl that hangs on street corners (7th grade). My MIL is a truly SICK SICK mentally ill person. Let me guess? Does you MIL talk to the BM? Classic if she does. It's called a "triangle" if she does and STAY out of it.
I love your outlook now. FOCUS! on family with BS. Have lots of his friends over and surround your home with people you love and love you back. The courts made their choice and when he is "jailin" or "stealing" the courts can pay for a public defender too. The courts aren't capable of figuring out a "good home". They side with the BM MOST of the time and it is a No WIN.
Glad your focus is on BS. Good luck to you.
I grew up in an intact home
I grew up in an intact home and family too. My parents had their 50th anniversary this year and make Ward and June Cleaver look like inattentive spouses and parents.
My bride was raised in a version of a Step Family with the advantages of an intact family. Her biodad/my MILs first husband was killed in a car accident before my MIL knew she was pregnant with my bride. My FIL/MIL's second husband was in the delivery room when DW was born and my MIL and FIL married when my DW was 2mos old. They did not have significant issues as a blended family though in her early teens my bride did spout the occasional "you’re not my dad!" crap at my FIL. My bride had regular visitation with her BioDad’s family while growing up but FIL is and has always been her daddy. Interestingly my FIL and my bride have the closest dad/kid relationship in their family and are much closer than my FIL and any of my DW's three younger half sibs are. The three younger kids are FIL's biospawn. We just completed an adult adoption of my bride by my FIL. BioDad’s parents are no longer living so my bride initiated an adult adoption for my FIL for our 20th anniversary vow renewal this past summer. It was complete just in time for the vow renewal and we just got DW’s reissued birth certificate
I am very close to my skid and my bride and I have modeled our blended family (SS an only child in our family) and our marriage on what both grew up with. It has worked so far.
I agree with advice others have given you that you cannot carry the woes and sorrows of the failure of your groom's failed marriage and the Skid's kid of a broken home crap on your shoulders. Model your marriage on the one you observed growing up and do what you can to have a strong marriage and family for your own kid and for the Skid.
Any life is sad only if you tolerate it being sad.
IMHO of course.