Husband wants skids to live with us

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I'm so glad I found this site so I don't feel like some evil step mom with warts coming out of my face! Ha! Ok so let me try to make this short and sweet.

DH and I have been married for 3 years. He has 2 kids from previous marriage. At first we went slow and had them every other weekend then it turned to every weekend even some weekdays. My husband works weekends so when they were over (boy 8, girl 10), I was the one watching them. I tried my best to be a good step mom. Normal things would happen like say they were arguing or hit each other, I'd tell them to split up and one go in one room no tv and the other sit on the couch until they can behave. Totally normal things. As you all know it's hard to discipline kids that aren't your own. Anyway my step kids went back to their mom saying I mistreated them and had them practically locked in the room. I felt so shocked like I had been slapped in the face. This probably happened a year and a half ago. Then their mom goes crazy saying she's going to call CPS. Me and my husband are like FOR WHAT?! She didn't end up doing it but from that point on I decided that it was best that I no longer be left alone with them and as bad as it was for my husband it had to be that way. I ended up pregnant which we were both ecstatic about. My son is now 6 months old and we are back to having skids every other weekend, sometimes more. I love the consistency of it and I finally feel like we have a good balance where as before they were always around and I had to do everything for them. My husband OUT IF NOWHERE says that he wants his daughter to live with us next year. I freaked out and said no way. When we got married he said his kids would never interfere in our marriage and so far they've been our only real problem. I'm torn because I love my family with my husband and my baby. I feel like we are a perfect little family and I don't mind the skids visiting on weekends but LIVING full time especially after what has happened in the past...I just don't feel comfortable. I honestly dread the idea. Well he tells me that he will never choose me over them and that he can't be with me if that's how I feel. I can't change how I feel but I want my son to be with his dad not split up because of other kids that I can't tolerate on a 24/7 basis. I never thought it would turn into a full time living situation and I'm even pissed at my husband because I feel like he's choosing them over our son.

I just don't have a good feeling about my skids and never have since they tend to report everything that happens in our home and exaggerate and lie. Who wants to live in a house like that? I feel like I have to walk on egg shells when they're here and I hate it!!

Help please. Any advice or input is appreciated. Yes I knew he had kids when I married him but they have a mother and I thought it would always be that way since he said they'd never interfere with our marriage.

Ok sorry this was totally long! I just know I will not be happy or very pleasant to my baby who means the world to me if I'm living in an uncomfortable situation like this.

Saying it and making it

Saying it and making it happen are two different things. Do you think husband's ex would allow the girl to live with you? If not, then that means hiring an attorney and trying to amend the decree, good luck with that! It will cost more money than you want to think and you still might not have what you want from the situation.

You sound kind hearted and you want your husband to have a relationship with his children which is great but you do not have to be their care giver. If the weekends are now working I would suggest to talk to husband and let him know how you feel. If he could spend more time with them during the week maybe that's an option instead of them living in your house. If husband works on the weekend while he is working that is not ideal and he is not spending much time with them that way. Perhaps look at what might work better as far as giving him more visitation time instead of stirring things up and changing the living situation. Not only is that not easy on the kids but it is hard on everyone else too.

"Look asshole, the choice is

"Look asshole, the choice is not me over them, it appears that your choice is them over our son. So, pack your shit and get out and by the way.... I am going to own your ass for the next 17 and a half years of CS because you will support your son to the fullest extent I can get out of you in court. So, what is is gonna be? A reasonable visitation schedule with the SKids where they are part of our lives and family, or ... don't let the door knob hit you in the ass on the way out???? ... and leave the checkbook dick head."

As soon as your DH said "(he) will never choose me over them and that he can't be with me if that's how I feel" that ends the marriage IMHO and your job is to protect your son and yourself from that toxic dick head.

Seriously, sit DH down and give him clarity on what will happen if he ever threatens to choose anyone over you, his wife.

I would have no use for that asshole for anything but money after he made that comment if I were you.

Fundimentally I have no issue with a skid moving in the the former NCP. My Skid lived with his mom and I full time from day one of our marriage. What I have issue with is that your DH wants his daughter from a prior relationship to move in where you will be the one nearly 100% responsible for her care, parenting, and discipline while you should be entirely focused on raising your own child. Regular extensive visitation is one thing. Moving in is another thing entirely unless there is a clear and critical requirement forthe best interest of the child to motivate a change in custody.

DH crying that he misses his kids is not a clear or critical requirement.

IMHO of course.

This.

YES! ^^^^^

I agree 1000% with everything

I agree 1000% with everything Rags has said. Sorry but your DH is acting like a spoilt brat trying to bully you into doing what he wants regardless of how it affects other people in the household ie.you & your son (who is also HIS son -or has he conveniently forgotten that fact?!).

I think what really happened

I think what really happened is your instinctual reaction caught him off guard, likely because you haven't communicated clearly about how guarded you feel around the SKids. (although, duh.... he should GET that) So he reacts to your reaction and flies off into Defensive Dad mode. In his mind, it suddenly just became him and HIS KIDS against you.

Don;t worry, he probably doesn't even MEAN this 100%. It's just a normal defensive reaction.

So.... in a few days or weeks when the storm has passed, sit down and ask to talk about it like adults and partners. Apologize for your gut reaction, but explain that the idea of living with a child who has reported lies, abuse, and *almost* gotten a CPS Investigation is rightfully stressful. Don't throw out ultimatum or mutter the words "I will NEVER live with them full time!!!!" This is the time to hear each others sides, even if you don't like what you hear. Remember, he wants to hear that having his Princess Spoiled Pants with you 24/7 would make your life complete. Fair is fair- you are asking him to face some hard facts, you need to be willing to face his hard facts.

Likely he muttered this absolutely ridiculous notion out of no where that he wants one of the SKids to live with you full time because he had a nostalgic moment of thinking how nice it would be for him to have his "whole family" under one roof. I would bet a whole paycheck that, in typical man fashion, he hasn't even thought this through.

Also, drive home Rags

Also, drive home Rags point:
What I have issue with is that your DH wants his daughter from a prior relationship to move in where you will be the one nearly 100% responsible for her care, parenting, and discipline while you should be entirely focused on raising your own child. Regular extensive visitation is one thing. Moving in is another thing entirely unless there is a clear and critical requirement forthe best interest of the child to motivate a change in custody

Because this is critical.... your DH's choice does not get to unilaterally affect YOU without YOUR AGREEMENT

Thank you everyone for your

Thank you everyone for your input you are all so helpful and REAL! Ugh well the thing with my step daughter is she's apparently giving her mom problems like not wanting to listen to her. Long story short her mom changed religions after divorce and tries to force it on skids and my step daughter can't stand it. My husband is freaking out because she's going into jr high and he's worried that since his moms values have changed that his daughter might get caught up with boys or drugs. I told DH that it doesn't matter where she goes to school because these things are everywhere and it's not like he's absent from their life. Honestly if step daughter has talked crap about me to her mom and now she's talking to us about her own mom, I feel like she's playing her dad to get what she wants. Bio mom called husband a couple weeks ago saying someone needs to take her because I can't handle her! Well don't give her to me because that's not my problem and I'm not having an eye rolling attitude teen in my house when I want to raise my son on a stable home. I swear when we don't talk about the kids or have them around everything is so much better and less stressful. Don't get me wrong my step daughter isn't all bad she's a nice smart girl that does great in school but I feel like she knows how to get her dad to do whatever. And like my step
Son is almost 9 and pees the bed! We recently downsized to save to buy a home so skids slept in the baby's room on the floor and he peed all over!! I was livid and my husband had no other reaction other than let me go back to sleep. Thanks for peeing on my baby's throw rug and my blankets which he's already ruined so many. I know he wants to be a good dad but the thought of them just irritates me for some reason.
For a while now I told DH that they are HIS responsibility not mine so take me out of the equation I'm not their cook or cleaning lady. Last weekend he flipped out because he had to cook them dinner and made me look like I'm a shitty wife for not cooking for him. My bad because I told you I'm not going to do anything for your kids anymore after what has happened and he has to. I was pissed but of course if I snap I'm the crazy one that the skids look at instead if their dad picking on me. I just don't know what to do but I'm grouchy as all hell and my husband slept on the couch last night.

Then he told me well it's not a for sure thing I just need to know I have the option. I told him do you want me to lie and say that I'm ok with it because I'm not! I feel like I'm living in limbo. Like someone said earlier I don't want to feel like I'm being bullied into this situation.

Blah!

Ah, the infuriating 9yo

Ah, the infuriating 9yo peeing in bed or on the floor while sleeping as the case may be. First, verify that there is no medical issue. Very likely there won't be. Then buy him diapers and take his pants.

My Skid did this a number of times from 6-9ish and what finally solved the problem was putting him in diapers and taking his pants while giving him the choice of either wearing diapers in public or staying home. I made sure to do it begining on a Friday afternoon and did not let him wear anything but diapers the whole weekend. Every few hours I would call him to the front door, open it, and tell him "There are your friends out playing get out there and play with them." He of course refused to leave the house in diapers. Sunday evening at about bed time he came in our room in shorts and a T-shirt carrying his diaper and said "Dad, I get it. It won't happen again. I don't want to wear a diaper to school tomorrow if that is Okay with you." Fine with me kid but I don't want your diaper. Throw it away. He never peed the bed again.

I hate to say it but as much

I hate to say it but as much as I love my Husband, I would feel the same way. Full time was not part of the deal. Im new here and felt the same way so glad others are having the same problems I am, (well not glad your having problems) but Im not alone and the only one that feels this way.

i have feeling this way. I hate dreading the weekends when I know we have him. But I can not seem to control it, no matter how much I try. I can not image if the option was put out there to have him full time. I am not sure What the result would be of that .

We have no kids together and mine are grown and living on there own. He had a child later in life so we have him one day during the week and every other weekend.
Before we married he made sure he picked up after himself and took care of stuff. But once we said I do it seemed like he expected me to be "instant" mom. Stuff was left everywhere when he took him home and guess who got to pick it all up?

For a while I did it, then I stopped. Now if I have to pick it up after your gone, its nowhere to be found for a while the next time you ask for it. It took a while but hubby is now reminding him to pick up his stuff before he leaves.

I dont know how to change the way I feel, but I know we have not bonded and i dread when he is coming over, I get depressed and angry at the same time partly because the house stops when he is here and revolves around him. The entire weekend TV is on kids shows, or video games. There is a TV in him room but hubby wont have him watch his shows in there because he has limited time with him and wants to be with him ( which I do understand) But that leaves me with not many choices. For a bit I went to my room to read or watch TV because I am really not interested in spending my days off watching kid shows, but hubby gets mad because I am seperating myself from the family.

Im hanging in and I pray about it a lot. But I can't seem to change the way I feel. I start prepping myself days before he comes and telling myself it wont be that bad.

It's the whole he is not my child thing, He was raised different then I raised mine and it drives me nuts to not have a child say Maam or Sir. Constantly interupting adult conversations no matter how many times you correct him. I hate coming home to a living room full of Stuff !!! My kids had to keep there toys in there rooms or the one they are playing with only in the living room. Hubby will let him bring out 10 things and have them everywhere. My thing was always if your done with one put it away before you get another. I can't stand always being the bad guy because the rules I go by are different then the ones hubby uses.

It's hard and I am not sure what I would do if having him come full time was every brought up. I married my Husband because I loved him. I will never be mean to or disrespect my SS, but I'm sad to say that there is no connection, no love there. I just wish I could find a way to not feel the "dread" and "anger" I feel when his weekend rolls around.

Any other advice after what I

Any other advice after what I just said? I'm so so confused I feel like I'm going crazy and I don't want this to drag out and waste unnecessary time

I feel like he will always

I feel like he will always resent me for my choice if I say no I don't want them to live with us and if I do leave him then my poor son loses out on having his daddy full time. I hate this. I wish I came to this forum before getting into this situation.

I agree with Rags. YOU will

I agree with Rags. YOU will be the one taking care of this kid a vast majority of the time (since hubby works on weekends) and if they lied before about your disciplining them, they will give you hell again, and they aren't even teenagers yet. Don't do it, for your own sanity. If your husband gives you this ultimatum, the fuck him, kick em to the curb and get CS. You have a right to a say so also, YOU ARE THE WIFE!

Sounds like you two (or three with BM) need a coming to Jeebus, preferably with a counselor and a attorney most likely. If MY husband were to say some shit like that without my input, his asshole would be so sore from my foot drilled dead in his ass, and from the CS I would be filing from him.

Sounds like he doesn't have much respect.

How are relations with BM?

How are relations with BM? Are you guys civil? Can you talk and plan together? If so, then ALL of you need to have a Come To Jesus meeting with SD. She's giving her mom problems? Then she's giving ALL of you problems - and she gets consequences at BOTH houses. We actually did this with my SD's. They were trying to manipulate the parents, so they'd tell BM one thing and tell DH something else. One day the 4 of us (bio and step parents) got in the same room and asked the girls which story was true. The looks on their faces when they realized they were busted! The point is, once they saw that the PARENTS (all of them) were on one side and the CHILDREN were on the other side, the balance of power shifted to the parents.

I'd strongly suggest parenting classes - even having DH and BM take a class together - as well. Present it as "maybe they have some ideas on how to get SD to listen", rather than "you two sorry-assed parents need some help."

As for SD living with you and what to say to DH, if I were in your shoes I'd take this tack: "SD lied about me once and BM threatened to call CPS. Do you realize that if that happened now they could take our son away from us while they investigated? It is not a risk I'm willing to take. I love you, and I want our family to be together. But if you're willing to risk our son then I will protect him."