I guess im done!
in the words of Clint Eastwood,"a mans got to know his limitations".
its time to admit that because of the step kid thing, I will never have another meaningful relationship. every woman with kids I have ever been involved with, let their unruly children torpedo a good relationship. me and my ladies got along great, then enters her children and now grandkids. doom!
several of the local women, have told me that im a good catch. im retired now and spend a lot of time riding the mountains in my jeep or Harley Davidson. im a pretty adventuresome guy.
I have had numerous dates, that enjoy my life style, life is good! then the phone rings and the son needs a baby sitter or the grand kid wants to get ice cream. the daughter is in rehab yada yada.
in my youth, I could still find women without kids, now its impossible. I was on a dating site recently and was covered up with responses. that is, until I revised my bio and said I wasn't interested in kids. it became very quiet after that and I cancelled my ad.
ive had a few sleepless nights lately and came to the obvious conclusion that I will die alone. im not happy about that, but I had rather be alone than in a stressful relationship, with no peace. there is a pretty neighbor lady, that I could be interested in, but she is a parent on steroids. her life is her kids, end of story.
so today, ive realized my limitations and joined this forum. I see other people have been down the same road. I don't want to sound too negative, im just stating the facts. if I haven't learned by now, then shame on me! thanks for listening.
in the past, I never thought
in the past, I never thought I was really done. now I live in a small mountain town that is beautiful. my house overlooks a lake with geese and deer. beautiful, but it has narrowed my possibilities of meeting someone considerably. I put a solo seat on my Harley.. this transition isn't going to be easy.
a local lady told me that a lot of women want kids of their own, but want their SO to be childless. who knows.
many years ago, I was married
many years ago, I was married to a woman that I think really cared for me. however her daughter would get caught shoplifting, drinking and would curse her mother. when I said something about her behavior, I was told to leave the house. in a few days she would apologize and beg me to come back. it happened so often that I bought a camper, so I could stay at the county park. she even went to counseling about it, to stop the divorce, to no avail.
Just a thought, the cute
Just a thought, the cute neighbor lady, her kids might be her entire life because that's all she has in her life. Don't get me wrong, a mother will always be there for kids yes, but if she raises them right then she'll have raised smart independent people who don't run to mommy every time they skin their knee. Those women with those children do exist. Just throwing that out there.
If you ever meet one, trap it
If you ever meet one, trap it and call national geographic, that's a species that seems to have dies out years ago.
the last potential date I
the last potential date I had, didn't make it past the phone call. we talked and had a lot in common. she lived about a hundred miles away.
I asked her if she liked where she lived. she said "no", but she had to live near her son.
I let that go, until she said that her son was home from school and she must spend time, with him.. then said she hoped I would call again. NOT!
if her 20 year old son cant entertain himself for 15 minutes, god help him. once again, if I don't get it by now then "shame on me"!
I would think that eventually the son will get married and his new wife will tired of her meddling and consider her baggage..
stick to you guns on this.
stick to you guns on this. single parents for the most part put their children ahead of any spouse. i am sure you have read our stories here. right now my dh is using his grown children for companionship. he picks fights with me for the smallest things. then one day i just told him to go to their houses and stay if he wanted. sd i am sure would be delighted to have daddee on her couch but son in law would be less amused very shortly.
it sounds like this potential date is enmeshed with her adult son. very very common with single parents i hate to say.
stick to your guns. dating a woman with children will only give you heartache.
You don't have any children
You don't have any children of your own do you?
Hey jeeper, I sent you a pm
Hey jeeper, I sent you a pm (message)
Good on you for knowing what
Good on you for knowing what you don't want, Jeeper. I admire how logical you're being in your search for companionship. Please don't give up! There are still some sane, outdoorsy women out there that aren't obsessed with children.
I identify as Childfree. Don't hate kids, just never wanted to be a mother. Have you researched the web & your area for childfree blogs, clubs, meet up groups, etc? How about starting a c.f. group in your area?
A guy like you is catnip to a childfree country girl! You just need to market yourself the right way.
that is so common with child
that is so common with child free people. they are called selfish. why is not having children selfish? the man knows what he wants and that is a woman with no children. he is entitled to that.
Welcome, I hope you find this
Welcome, I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and pick up some useful perspective from others living the blended family dream.
Hang in there. Though apparently rare, there are ladies out there either with no kids or who have raised their children to be viable adults who are additive to the lives of their parents and do not adversely effect or interfere with mom's or dad's own enjoyment of life.
No need to relegate yourself to the ranks of the eternally unattached.
I think you need to find a
I think you need to find a woman who has successfully launched her kids. I am sure they are out there. My suggestion is learn to play golf. I golf with about 8 women who all are successful women who have lives away from their children and grandchildren. I think the sport encourages it since it is an individual sport and yet for us, we are a team.
At the club, there are so many women that are single, it is amazing and they are all independent women who are looking to date nice guys.
Alrighty then! it looks like
Alrighty then! it looks like a couple of "momma bears" are sharpening their claws for me! ok, I understand that you don't discuss religion, politics or grand kids without someone thinking you are a selfish shallow unyielding fascist..so be it!
I did see that a poll taken in England, that 70 percent, said that children had ruined their marriage, so it isn't just me..
btw, I am a step son myself.. been there done that. yes im one of those evil men who chose not to have kids and so is my brother.. when I leave this planet, the only thing I will leave behind is foot prints..
that being said, I would welcome a child into my home, if it had manners.. believe it or not, children have always liked me.. im a man of many talents. I play the saxophone am mechanically inclined and can build almost anything..
my sister wants me to take her son under my wing and teach him some of my skills, however due to her permissive parenting skills he is on probation and cant leave the county.. yes, the child succeeded in getting her divorced too.
well, I will continue this tomorrow. I am glad I found this forum..
Hi. Welcome. There is a
There is a difference between being involved in your grown childrens lives in a healthy way (and grandchildren) and being OTT involved.
Taking the Grandkids out for ice cream SOMETIMES is perfectly fine and normal, so I think your examples are a little outrageous, and (God forbid) if one of mine was admitted to rehab I sure as heck would be there for them - that's kinda huge you know. And being there for your kids when they NEED you is normal. Even the adult ones. Now, if it were every day, all day, constant cancelling plans because of the kids then fair enough - vent away that's OTT.
I think where you have copped flak is because your examples aren't really too much to expect of any parent. We don't have kids to just launch them into the world and never see or hear from them again.
And as for the one with DS20 home from college - brief break I am guessing, the kids been away at college a few years maybe? And he's come home for a visit. Of course she wants to spend time with him, I daresay she doesn't see a lot of him during term time, and being a 20 yo lad, I am also guessing that he's probably not up on the keeping in touch with mum. He's out living life all term, so yes, he's home for a visit and she wants to hang with her kid. NORMAL....
confessions of a step
confessions of a step child...
when I was a toddler, mom was divorced. things were tough, just getting by.. at age 4 mom remarried a physician. actually I probably wished she hadn't, because even though mom had to work some demeaning jobs, I had her complete attention..
now I have an MD for a step dad and I should be happy, but I wasn't. he didn't let me "act the fool" like mom did.. mom informed me that although she loved me dearly, I wasn't going to sink her marriage. damn, I hated to hear that. dad was strict and I would run to mom and bypass his authority. over the years, I heard a few arguments, in which mom accused him of favoring his own children from another ex. I discovered that the consequences of being a whiney brat where not good.
as the years went by, it was obvious that me and dad weren't going to be pals. 26 years later, mom divorced him for being unyielding. I begged mom not to do it at her stage of life and to stick it out was to her best interest.
now, im an adult and mom is single. she still had her good looks and was dating a dude I didn't really care for.. so did I trash her relationship? no! she had a right to some happiness. I would visit her when it was convenient to her and wouldn't ruffle feathers. no guilt trips, no drama put on her.
later she admitted that she wished she had listened to me and stayed married..
looking back at step dad, I had to admit that he was probably right.. I never did drugs, drank or went to jail. even though I didn't speak to him in his last years, I kind of regret it now.
this is one reason, that I don't understand letting kids rule the roost.
the main reason for most of
the main reason for most of this permissive parenting is guilt. single parents heap the guilt on themselfs for the divorce or lack of another parent in the childs life. then the single parent remarries and puts the children over the new spouse. a perfect recipe for another divorce. for statistics, remarried parents have a 65 percent divorce rate or even higher. again stick to your guns. there are other women out there who dont have children or who never wanted children.
My 50 yr old sister and her
My 50 yr old sister and her husband have no kids except for furry ones and they are very happy and have been married for a long time. They have money to burn, travel, have a great greenhouse and really enjoy life and each other. My little brother and his wife have been married 6 years and are still deciding whether or not they want kids. They love each other, just bought a house, save money and have fur children. You don't have to have kids to be happy!
I joined a "cult" right out of high school that encouraged you to unabashedly spew out the babies and I did. "God will provide for your family," I was told. Well I'm still waiting for that manna from heaven. All I've done is sacrifice for this horde I created. I love them all dearly but won't be one of those mom's who have a 30 yr old in the basement and paving their way through life. I celebrated every milestone of independence that they reach! 1 down 4 to go.
I do advise you getting "the snip" if you haven't already. Because all it takes is 3 minutes and boom you're signing your life away to pay for entitled brats college education by a court order.
If I weren't already married,
If I weren't already married, you'd be just my kind of guy! I have no kids and I have many single friends who don't either. Don't give up!!
Jeep, Having put some thought
Jeep,
Having put some thought into your situation I think my dad's question to me when I was in a similar place as you are regarding relationships may be beneficial.
You have a choice to make. Do you want to go through the remainder of your life with a series of short term partners or do you want to take one more shot at making a life with someone?
When my dad asked me that question I was 30, nearly 5 years past my divorce from my cavern crotched skank whore of a serially adulterous XW and was on the fence about giving marriage one more shot. I had met an amazing young woman who happened to have a toddler and had seriously considered marrying her but decided I was done with marriage. That is when dad asked me the question. He gave me no advice though I heard what he meant. I decided to give it another shot and my amazing bride and I just celebrated our 20th anniversary with a vow renewal in her home town this past summer. The Skid (SS-22) officiated our vow renewal and we had a great time with friends and family at an amazing Winery/vineyard with amazing food.
We are not yet ready to retire but we are getting pretty close and we are having an amazing international adventure during the last decade or so of our careers.
My one more try turned out to be a life with my best friend, amazing lover, a stunning beauty, equity life partner and .... the Skid was a bonus. I have no BKs but the Skid is my son none the less. Sure, we had to deal with a toxic sperm clan and had to make a significant two decade effort to counter the influence of the shallow and polluted end of my Skid's gene pool but all in all it has worked out very nicely.
I tease my bride that I could have had the lake condo, power boat, awesome truck,a new Vette, and a number of bikini clad beauties gracing my house and boat and instead I got her and a kid. Don't tell her but I made the better choice.
I have the hot bride and the house on the lake though the power boat and Vette are still on the list.
So ...... what is your answer to the question?
FYI, mom and dad will celebrate their 53rd this year.
Good luck.
everything changed, when Dr.
everything changed, when Dr. spock wrote his best selling child care book.. don't discipline your kids, suck-up!.. the funny part is, that now his grown kids hate him..
yes, I have quit actively looking, but who knows.. maybe someone on this forum knows a friend of a friend who is looking for a pen pal like me.
Lay off the guy already.
Lay off the guy already. Selfish is good! In the end we are all we have. So what if he wants to preserve his sanity and not have a quiver of step kids. At least he's honest. Doesn't mean he deserves to be alone for the rest of his life.
ok, I new when I put that in
ok, I new when I put that in that someone already had their pistol cocked to pop me.. so, it wont do any good to explain.
if you read back, it was members on this forum, telling me not to quit! so be it, I knew I would catch a defensive momma bears ire .
as far as being adventuresome, give me a break.. since no one on this forum knows me from adams house cat, how do they know I was adventuresome or not.. I served for 28 years in state law enforcement and was on the swat team in a major metropolitan, area.. a bit adventuresome ..
this just proves my point... speak the truth about someones kid and get cut off at the ankles..
the very people throwing stones, are the ones that are defensive parents themselves and are the reason their kids torpedo their relationships..
when I went to work everyday, I had to deal with the offspring of defensive parents.
no offense to anyone, who didn't chuck a spear at me! but if you did, so be it..
Actually this is pretty
Actually this is pretty brilliant strategy. Come to a place where you can filter potential partner candidates as they vent and work through their issues with their own partners in strained relationships with issues that you have struggled with in previous relationships. There just may be a perfect fit among the STalker members who pull the plug on their own toxic blended family situations.
Jeep is THE man IMHO.
Of course so am I so my appreciation may be a bit gender biased.
If I were not married to an amazing women and had suffered through past toxic blended family situations I just might use the same strategy to reduce my risks of repeating past relationship failures. }:)
to the more understanding
to the more understanding members, thanks for the support!
Don't settle, jeeper. I don't
Don't settle, jeeper. I don't have any kids of my own, but married a guy with two asshole adult kids. DH and I get along great, and he's a great guy, but I was ready to leave more than once due to all the drama and disruption. I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to be a stepdad, but hang in there because there ARE good childless women out there. I love my DH, but if I had to do it over again, I'd get a man without baggage.
I agree, don't settle. I was
I agree, don't settle. I was widowed at 26 and only had one anniversary with my late husband before he died of cancer. He was my HS sweetheart. I waited 11 years and kissed a lot of toads before I found DH in 2007. As fate would have it, BM died 2 years ago and I have SD19 and SD13 under my roof FT. Kids are a pain in my ass and I know if many of us could do it over, well....You know what we all say.
Damn shame, too.
I've owned Jeeps, just got a new one! I have been itching for a trail ride here in DC Metro and a good ole creek crossing. Been to Camp Jeep, Jeep Jamborees, and I'm a city girl who loves a good trail ride in southern Virginia! Tread gently and she will appear!
BTW I met my DH online.....He is wonderful, but the skids....argh. Don't settle, just date your little heart out and take her on a trail ride!
Good luck to you~
~ Moon