Am I over thinking this comment?
Forums:
Is BM telling the skids (at that time age 9) that she will not be dating until the kids turn 18 because "they are her whole life" a sort of PAS issue? I am wondering because it seems like if you read between the lines that she is essentially throwing the dad under the bus if he does date because essentially that would mean that the kids aren’t his whole life. I am not saying the kids should be anyone’s whole life but in order to convey the situation I wrote it the way it was presented. Please let me know your thoughts and any input on what DH should say to counter what she has said would be welcomed as well. Thanks ladies and gents!
Maybe and maybe not. But
Maybe and maybe not. But definitely not healthy emotionally to put that kind of burden on children. Plus, if/when she DOES find someone else, the kids will automatically be resentful of this person because they intuitively know that they can't really be her "whole life" if someone ELSE is in the picture now.
Hmmm...I told my kids that I
Hmmm...I told my kids that I would not get married or live with anyone until they were 18 or at least close. I wanted to raise my kids without all of the step issues. And yes...my kids came first back then. Their dad was not really in their life. (But I would not looked at it like PAS).
And I thank goodness everyday that I did not marry or live with DH until kids were almost grown. I would never put my kids through what so many kids go through on this site. bio and steps.
Are the kids asking you why DH got married and BM did not?
I kind of went in the
I kind of went in the opposite direction.
As my 2nd DH and I grew close, I wanted my children to have DHs influence in their lives. Their BD was a bad influence in so many ways (he had supervised visitation) and I'm fortunate my kids had the opportunity to experience a great male role model as a stepfather figure.
I never made a committment to my kids that I wouldn't ever be involved with anyone until they were older but I also was very selective on who my children would be exposed to in the role of my SO.
I did the same thing Willow
I did the same thing Willow did. I do not regret it one bit.
I think it is because my BS's
I think it is because my BS's dad says the exact same thing. He doesnt say it as much now, that I am married to DH. But when Ex and I first split, he would say that to BS. As in the fact that I was moving on with my life and dating, that meant that I didnt want to give BS my whole world. But because Ex wasn't dating, that meant he could give his whole world to BS and that made him better then me.
What Ex really should have said to BS is: "Im a man whore, so the likelyhood that I will have a long term GF is slim to none. Its also unlikely that I can keep a long term GF because of my behavior such as drinking, not paying the bills and being a jerk. Therefore, I wont be able to keep a longterm GF and I will have more time to devote to you, my precious snowflake of a son."
Newbie here and just reading
Newbie here and just reading through different areas. Sounds like my ex too!!
I've got a few skid issues and not sure how to start here. One issue at a time? Or a two page letter? lmao
The reason my FDH got
The reason my FDH got divorced is because BM allowed the kids to take over everything and their relationship completely dissolved. The sex stopped because of the weight she gained with pregnancy, then the kids started sleeping with them and she was not interested in trying to go on dates, to try to do anything to repair the years of damage of no intimacy, laughter, friendship, etc. Both FDH and BM (keep in mind SS is also clinically obese) and basically sat on the couch and watched TV all the time. FDH got to looking around and was disgusted with how his life had turned out, no relationship with his wife, a filthy home and decided to get moving on making a change. He started working out, inviting her and the kids to join, kids joined him but she did not, he starting eating better, he lost weight and trying to make deposits in to her “love bank” to rekindle what they had before and she would not budge. There they were, him sleeping in one bed and her with the two kids in another room, he finally realized that she was totally content with the kids “being her life”. Fast forward to the year after their divorce when she tells him by email that she has explained to the kids that they are her life and that she will not date until after they are 18. FDH was already seeing someone else (not me) the kids knew he was seeing someone although the relationship never progressed enough for them to meet her. I said something the other day in passing about wishing she would get a damn boyfriend and that is when he explained what she said. It struck me as a blow to his relationship to his kids. Meaning they are so important to her she won’t date anyone but DH has moved on so hence you kiddos aren’t that important to him. We are not married but do live together.
Sounds like it's just her
Sounds like it's just her excuse for not dating.
I didn't think our bm had
I didn't think our bm had anything but brothers but damn here's her twin sister! Dayum! Right down to the sleeping with kids. Not going anywhere. Filthy house. But if I write any more I will just be repeating Stepped in what's post. Twins, I tell you.
I mean she literally plans on
I mean she literally plans on not having a relationship for 9 years?! I think it is because she is a lazy, fat slob that can't date so instead of keeping it to herself she has found a way to say exactly what zerostepdrama explains.
*LOL* Being a lazy, fat,
But she would still have to
But she would still have to make some kind of an effort, jump on Craigslist or something (how BM got husband #4).
I think you've over-thinking
I think you've over-thinking it. Even if this was something she said recently, instead of years ago before you were even in the picture, I'd still think you were over-thinking it. DH shouldn't address it at all unless the kids bring it up - it will bite him.
I actually don't think it's unreasonable for her to wait until the kids are 18 before dating. Wish our BM had done that. Of course, she doesn't see marriage vows as any reason to stop dating, so kids certainly wouldn't stop her!
Barring any other PAS, I don't think this is one to even blink over.
Yes she can say that all she
Yes she can say that all she wants until a few years down the line when she meets someone and the kids resent her and the new BF because she broke her promise. She is setting herself up for failure.
At least dad is moving on with his life and the kids are aware.
Over thinking it. Honestly,
Over thinking it. Honestly, I wish I had waited until they were all 18.
I'm guessing she would be as
I'm guessing she would be as bad at dating as she was a being married, if her own husband isn't important than I can't imagine where the SD would be on the list. I guess my point is her holier than thou statement is reversed on DH when DH moved on because it sends the message to the skids that they aren't as important to him as they are to her.
Damn I can't imagine being an adult later on and having the burden of knowing my mom never moved on "because of me". Everyone has the right to live their life, you only get one.
I don't think there's a
I don't think there's a message "in between the lines".
IMO it was a stupid comment that BM made to the kids. She can still choose not to date but why make that promise when you don't know what your future holds?
Like I commented in reply to someone else, she may meet someone who is totally awesome who could make a positive, even life changing, difference in her kids lives.
There's no need for BD to say anything to the kids about BM's comment.
Now that may change if the kids ever bring it up though. Unless that happens, you're giving this too much thought.
I think it would all depend
I think it would all depend on the context/way it was said.
Example 1:
BM: I'm not going to date until you're 18 because you're my number #1s!
This could just be saying something to the kids to build them up/reassure them.
Example 2:
BM: *I'M* not going to date until you're 18 because you're *MY* whole world.
This could be BM PASing to send a not-so-subtle message to the children that she values them more than their father does.
You weren't there so you can't really judge what context/how it was put to them. I wouldn't overthink it too much though.
My skids BM, as far as we
My skids BM, as far as we know, either isn't dating at all or keeping it hidden. The skids (SD11 & SD9) HATE not knowing. They suspect she is dating but feel really, really anxious about it, about her not talking with them. DP has always been open about those he's dating (I'm the 2nd serious relationship after the divorce 5 years ago) and the skids were open to the idea when I came into the picture (although reality sometimes throws them a curve ball). I cannot imagine how the skids will be to any partner of BM after this point - they will be awful as BM is THEIR mommy and THEIRS alone at this point. :O
Your husband msy have created
Your husband msy have created the issue your SKs are having. He made them believe that they get a say in who their parents date. The whole they were open to him dating you thing is crazy. Would he have ended the relationship if they weren't open T o the idea? :?
Oh no, that's not what I
Oh no, that's not what I meant at all.
They knew DP was dating and were totally ok with it (his dating rather than who he was dating) because he was open with them about what he was doing. They didn't have a choice in who he chose but they only met 2 of us with whom he was serious, by his choice.