feeling unappreciated/third wheel
where to start?
well I'm 21, no kids of my own but I started dating my boyfriend back in the end of May 2014 and absolutley fell in love - but it was just the two of us. so we also cuddled, watched movies and did whatever we wanted & his son was in NY with bm. they had agreements to switch off every 6 months but she lives w. multiple family members in an apt in the bronx with no bed for their son ( 3 yrs okd $ so we ended up getting his son at the end of September. I was happy for him to be here and for my boyfriend to finally have his heart whole again because of course he was without his child since December. My bf moved into my home and I had a two bedroom so i got his room as ready as i could within a week since the pick up was so sudden and bought all kinda of good snacks/juices/food that would be perfect for him. &' i love kids and was exciting. im even licensed to work in a day care but after a little bit of him being here i just started to get this anxiety like i just want my boyfriend like i count down the hours to bedtime so i can just have my boyfriend. i stay home w. jr since theres no one to watch him ( dads iffy on daycare which i understand ) but luckily im trained for daycare work so i try to teach him all kinds of stuff not to mention when he got here he was still on a bottle, incapable of sleeping alone and not even a little bit potty trained - and I have changed that all around. but to cutt this short there have been times i have to get in a heated arguement with my bf about just giving me time for myself and he'll do good but then fall off and then today we went to the science meseum ( my idea - group family time ) cause my bf had been working long hours so i try to make sure we do stuff in the day time so at night i can have my bf but At the meseum it ended up just being them two doing all the activities - caring him around - holding his hand while i just stood on the side - i would even try to do the activities to but some how it just ended up being them. and he held my hand once when walking out of the exhibit . so i got bothered and when i finally said something about it he treated me like i was crazy ( im always ridiulous and selfish ) when i know i had a point -i even said im sure its not intentional but he IS doing it. a hug and a okay babe im sorry after this movie ( education movie at museum ) the activities after ill make sure we're all doing. but no, it got turned around on me ...
i just wanted to be a part of the activities and have some affection throughout the day. i mean i planned this day for all of us trying to be a family i mean his son calls me mommy sometimes and i raise him and provide him with structure and love like he needs and i felt so invisible
help pls
help
help
It's hard to tell if this is
It's hard to tell if this is just natural jealousy (and you're SO young!) or if he really needs to change something, and I'm leaning on the side of simple jealousy. There is nothing wrong with your feelings, but you might need to change how you handle them. Instead of letting it go and watching them do things together and getting upset, grab his hand and put yourself right there. If HE responds negatively then you might have a problem. You aren't Mommy, and these feelings will come frequently because you are put in the role without any of the benefits, if you will. It's a really tough place to be, even for older women. You are so young and can find a nice single childless man...that is my suggestion! Sorry.
Here's an example of a problem. I was with my bf of over a year and a half at his work fair, walking with my kids and 2 of his. A co-worker came up (someone above him) and my bf introduced his girls, explained that his son was at...wherever he was... and didn't even acknowledge me or my kids standing there. 15 minutes later it hit him. These are the kind of things that tell you where you stand.
i would try to interact and
i would try to interact and be a part of the activities but in the end it would be just them two. some of the things were more one parent helping the kid, like monkey bars but instead of saying jr go do this with with ( me ) they would just do it all or he would be carrying him. and out of the months hes been here i finally got a date in Janurary. i hold no resentment for his son - i love him and he loves me ; i just get upset with my boyfriends actions. its like theres a struggle to balance out being a boyfriend and a father. and understanding i need my time with just him too without being told im selfish when i took on being a mother to his child - im not just a glorified babysitter - im also his girlfriend and i feel like some of it goes unappreciated when it comes to me saying I need time or feel left out which has come out before. even something simple as us watching a movie it ended up them being cuddled up and me just sitting there. i know i could find someone without a child but i love him and his child but just have this struggles and it makes it a little hard when hes defensive about things instead of stopping and thinking about my feelings and all that ive done
And just be certain that you
And just be certain that you aren't simply the free nanny he gets to f*ck. So many of these guys find a nice new gal to be the insta-mommy. Not saying your guy is, but if he objects to you having "me time" or "couples only time" despite all you are doing for HIS child, that is a huge red flag flapping in your face.
I totally agree with
I totally agree with everything Sueu2 has said in her post.She has hit the nail on the head.If you can't be "selfish" at 21 when can you be? You are young so please don't throw your life away over some emotionally manipulative bully.If he didn't want his child to be in daycare he should have stayed with BM and got her to look after THEIR child. So many children go to daycare in normal intact families and there is nothing wrong with that.
It amazes me that this man loves his son so much just not enough to put up with BM's bull yet expects you to step in and become a nanny, who must just shut up,put up & put out!
Reclaim your home tell them to move out and reclaim your life,you deserve it!
Lost, You are too young to
Lost,
You are too young to tie your very bright future to this turd of a partner. I agree with all but one small detail of sueu2's comment. Men won't use you. SOME men will use you. Men of character and honor will not use you. Just as some women are gold digging adulterous cavern crotched whores (my XW for example) while others are amazing, beautiful, energetic, scary/wicked smart life partners and forces of nature (my amazing beautiful bride of 20+ years for example).
You need to find a man of character without the ever present baggage to make an equity life partnership with. If he can't bring as much to the effort as you do and augment your life as much as you augment his then he is not the guy for you. Not this current guy, and not any future guys who are not additive to your life. Do the T account chart. Positives on the left, negatives on the right. One chart for you and one for your current SO. You will find that the balance sheet is far from balanced between what you bring to the relationship and what he brings. Hot sex can sure start a relationship and losing it can sure end a relationship but hot sex cannot make a relationship. There is far more to the process of love than "absolutely 'falling' in love".
You say you "absolutely fell in love" when you started dating this guy last May. Your swoon comment “but it was just the two of us. So we also cuddled, watched movies and did whatever we wanted" tells me that this is far from love ..... at least yet. Yep, the warm fuzzy tingly feeling all over your body..... That young lady is not love. That is passionate attraction and endorphins. It happens at the beginning of every relationship. Love is when two partners have each other’s backs in all things and support each others goals and dreams. Those actions make the feeling last for a lifetime throughout the fights, crisis moments, heart ache, broke and starving days, etc.... Love is the process of navigating those things together even when there are kids/Skids, ILs, loss of jobs, moving across the country or world for work, and most of all when you can lovingly hold each other at the end of a crappy,tense, angry day and smile as you fall asleep.... after some hot angry/make us sex..... or tender earth shaking sex after an awesome day.
Rarely is a 21yo in the romantic throws of playing house with a single parent and playing mommy or daddy to spawn that are not your own actually in love. Love is action and your SO is not demonstrating love. If he were he would not be saddling you with raising his prior relationship spawn. He is "iffy on daycare" WTF does that mean other than he has a free live in professional nanny with benefits to raise his kid? If he "loved" you he would have made arrangements for his son so you could pursue your own goals and dreams. He would support your pursuit of those goals and dreams as you would support his.
So, what are your goals and dreams? That answer will be the start of answering your own plea for help.
Take care of yourself and do not mistake that tingly warm fuzzy feeling as love. Love is action not emotion. SO needs to demonstrate some action.
IMHO of course.
I can understand ALOT of what
I can understand ALOT of what everyones saying. But I'm not here to whine, I was just expressing something that literally happened yesterday and wanted to know if this is something that is normal when you become a blended family. And I hate to say im jealous of my ss because i hold no resentment or anger towards him - NONE . I get upset with my bf when he doesnt stop to considered how somethings could be bother some to me. Ie : not getting alone time or telling me were guna watch a movie alone while ss naps ( sleeps in his own room ) and then puts him right in between us for the movie. then im selfish. of course i would get bothered. I made the decision to take on being a part of his and his childs life. and I decided to learn how to process and adjust, yes it stills takes time and theres still things im learning but I just dont want to feel like im wrong for needing that time. but I don't want the answer to be leaving , and almost everyone has a kid now a days. and I had gotten let go from my job due to lack of work so it just worked out that way, he did not force that upon me. and he is very protective of his son so hes working into daycare. BM is in NewYork and very irresponsible and has her priorities all F'd up. since Sep she has sent no type of support but gets tattoos, jelewry and shoes for herself so im not worried about her wanting time or anything because ive already set it straight about i know my part as step mom and respect that it is HER son. but im doing my best to give him all the structure he needs. and i always try to give them father son time and my bf will be like no we're a family and i always explain that everyone needs dedicated time with one another. i had bought them tickets to a basketball game and he felt bad because he wanted me to be a part of it. so its like a catch 22 he will say he wants me to be a part of it, and the moment he doesnt do it and get a little upset it gets switched around on me. i even advised im sure its not intentional but i just wanted you to acknowledge it was a possibility he was doing it and to make sure to keep me included since i tried to make a family event happen. but instead he says i didnt do it intentionally so dont be a big baby about it and dont take it that way.
yes this part of my bf i dont like and i didnt know if anyone else had this problem and had advise hes the dont think of emotions type
but just off this doesn't mean you fully know everything and that hes a piece of shit because he does go above and beyond for me his son and everyone else - he has a big heart
BUT
when it comes to arguing ; if he doesn't see it as significant then it doesn't matter <---- this is where my only problem lies
When I was in my early 20s, I
When I was in my early 20s, I also was with a man with a young son. The Bf would get mad at me when the kid was over and I always thought it was me. I spent too many years questioning myself. My advice to you is that you are young and you deserve your youth. You deserve to know what it's like to go out in the world and be young and be free and not be tied down to a child you didn't bring into the world. Sure, it's nice to be loved, but there are many out there who will love you and it will just be the two of you without the hulking shadow of some irresponsible biological mother. You may be jealous, and I think that's natural. Ultimately, it's your choice and I'm just some bitch on the internet, but I think you shortchange yourself and your life and your potential by staying. I think we think it will get better. I don't think it does.
but i truly am thankful for
but i truly am thankful for all of you just taking the time to write to my post ; ive taken each response and read them carefully and put it all into consideration
thank you again
A person who cannot see their
A person who cannot see their partner's side of an issue is not ready for a long-term commitment. Just keep that in mind.