Compromise...
I'm new here but I've read a few topics and blogs, and it's good to know I'm not the only one wondering whether my expectations are completely out of this world. Obviously, when you first start seeing someone and you're crazy, rose-tinted glasses, honeymoon period, deep in love, you think you can overcome anything together or if it means being together.
I am not generally a confrontational person; I have a mature look on life, I don't throw tantrums or stamp my feet, and I try to be the calming, level-headed one when we have disagreements. My partner and I rarely argue, he's absolutely wonderful and selfless and I couldn't imagine there ever being such an amazing man in my life. But, when we do have disagreements, it's almost always over the kids. I have a SS21, SS17, BS15 and BS11.
Not being non confrontational
Not being non confrontational does not mean being mature. Throwing tantrums, stamping feet and name calling I agree is very immature.
People will always disagree on things, it makes the world go round. Husband and wife will disagree but after the kids are gone will you still be husband and wife?
I have a very dear friend that married someone 20 years older than her. He was a single parent,well pretty much forever. His kids are nearly her age. Yet she calls them her kids and they call her mom. Weird. Anyway they do argue about things with them, she wants to take care of them more and would give them everything, he says they're adults. However, together they stand United. I think that's important. Because at the end of the days you have each other really. As sad as it is , kids won't be there tomorrow. They'll have their own life, which isn't bad really.
Not being non confrontational
Not being non confrontational does not mean being mature. Throwing tantrums, stamping feet and name calling I agree is very immature.
People will always disagree on things, it makes the world go round. Husband and wife will disagree but after the kids are gone will you still be husband and wife?
I have a very dear friend that married someone 20 years older than her. He was a single parent,well pretty much forever. His kids are nearly her age. Yet she calls them her kids and they call her mom. Weird. Anyway they do argue about things with them, she wants to take care of them more and would give them everything, he says they're adults. However, together they stand United. I think that's important. Because at the end of the days you have each other really. As sad as it is , kids won't be there tomorrow. They'll have their own life, which isn't bad really.
Trying to reach agreement on
Trying to reach agreement on what is best for the kids, or how best to raise them is the thing we struggle most with. It's difficult when they all as old as they are, they're practically raised at this point so it's more that each of us has to adapt to the way they have been parented up until now, as opposed to trying to overhaul the whole thing.
I am quite easy going, I realise I am too soft on some issues and I should demand more from my boys when it comes to playing video games and doing school-work but to be told you're a bad parent for that is hard to hear. I think there is more to life than battling over studying when at the end of the day, the child has to take responsibility for his own achievements, or lack thereof. That is my view, and while I will support them and provide what I can for them to enable them to learn, I cannot force them. I will allow them to get detentions for not doing homework, for example. One of them decided he was going to start his homework 10 minutes before bedtime and I put a stop to it, I told him it was him that was going to get in trouble, not me; it wasn't my lunchtime that was being disrupted and I also told him I was disappointed that he hadn't done it earlier when I asked him if he had any homework. My partner was in utter disbelief that I would let him get a detention for not doing his work but I see that management of his own time and making it his decision to motivate himself as his responsibility. I can see why it may be contentious but it's not neglectful of bad parenting; I want my children to be independent learners and be able to manage without me doing everything for them. Encouragement is fine but standing over them while they study is something I'm not going to do.
The SS21 gets driven to and from football practice three times a week, and to matches at the weekends. Tonight, my partner got home at 7pm after waiting until 6:30pm to pick up SS17 from work, and then went back out at 8pm to drop SS21 to football practice and is out now, at 9:50pm, collecting him. There is a bus stop right outside our home. Neither of them show an interest in learning to drive, and it frustrates me so much that they are chauffeured around so much. But... I keep a lot of it in because it isn't their fault, their father has raised them to expect that of him. He is too hands-on for my liking but I accept it because he can't just be wonderful to me, can he. He makes my breakfast for me, and my lunch to take to work. He also does the laundry in the morning so I would feel incredibly selfish if I took all of that from him while complaining he was too good to his children. There still comes point where I just wish we could spend more than a couple of uninterrupted hours a week together, though.
I just can't see a point at which this ends. They have it too good here with us, they do absolutely nothing around the house. The eldest works full-time at least but I feel like his housekeeper... His reason for doing nothing, is that he pays rent! I have a full-time job that has me out of the house from 7:15am until 6pm yet I still find time to cook, clean and do laundry. Even BS12 knows how to work the washing machine, he even cooked dinner for all 6 of us one evening when I was busy painting outside, making the most of the daylight hours. SS17 does nothing either but he is still in school and I do believe that children are not there to do housework for you. They should at least look after their own space though. With the younger children, I insist on plates being put in the dishwasher or clothes in the laundry and their rooms tidied properly once a week but I wouldn't get them to clean the bathroom, for example. With SS21 it is different - or should be different to my mind - he is not a child, he is a lodger and should do a fair share of the cleaning. We are not responsible for him but we do all the cooking and cleaning and when he goes out at the weekend, he will call at 3am for a lift home. His father lets it slide because that is how he was raised. I also find it difficult to bring up as something I want him to change because my own children are not 21 yet, we might be just as accommodating to them but I do doubt that as I really don't think I could let them away with the easy ride SS21 gets.
Sometimes I just want someone to vent at, it makes me feel less likely to sit simmering with clenched teeth while he's out driving around after his grown-up children all evening.
I know exactly where you're
I know exactly where you're coming from. I have ss 16 ss14 ss7 and sd6 And we don't have one uninterrupted moment where ss16 isn't demanding a ride /money or something. If we are out for dinner he will text to ask when were finished so we can pick him up..the OH has made him too reliant on him.. He will literally get in from work and go straight out to almost exactly the same point to pick him up. Ss had a job..3 hours a day sat and sun he wanted to be driven there and collected..it was 10 minutes away. In the end he jacked it in cos it was too much effort so now the dh gives him money instead. I actually can't believe what goes on
Dear happy, reading this and
Dear happy, reading this and I honestly could feel your pain and frustration. I'm by no means a so called expert, and really probably not the best person to even give an opinion since I would have done anything for that life.
But I didn't have that life. I was much younger, too young really but I survived. No I'm not saying throw him out, although he's an adult. But he's an ADULT! He obviviously doesn't appreciate the life of being a child and being allowed to grow in that inviroment. It's a gift that not everyone has and some that do take it for granted and demand more.
You work hard, he has it easy. Hit the streets and see the world. You don't live for him and where will you be when you need him? It sounds awful I know but you aren't raising a child, you're raising a future adult.
I think this might be easier
I think this might be easier said than done really. From my perspective. My parents divorced when I was 10. Neither asked me what I thought or how I felt, yet I was used against each other. My father told my mother he wouldn't pay child support unless he saw me, then told me he didn't want to see me. When the court ordered him to see me, how fun, he said if I lived with him I would have a piano, I wouldn't have to work, I would have..... But I was a child, why should I have to work anyway?
My mother didn't really care either really but I was a child and wanted someone to care. So I turned to her, because well every child wants a mother. Even in the animal kingdom. It just is.
Sadly I can see how raising an adult falls on the mom, and guilt as well. It's not something I ever had but saw the games. For me it was about money, I'm not alone there, but in many cases it's about love. Sad really.
I agree too, I know my BS get
I agree too, I know my BS get it pretty easy when it comes to the time they spend playing games and I only take them away as a reaction to them under performing or not doing as they're asked. They're not exactly limited as to the time they spend on them - as long as their work doesn't suffer. I took his console away from him for failure to complete his homework. I like negotiating with them, it encourages the ability to compromise and develops their personalities. I don't think children should be treated like gun dogs that respond immediately to every call; it's creepy. There are definite rules in place but there are also some fluidity in other areas as false promises get none of us anywhere. For example, I'll let them know it's time they showered, let them give me a time frame to get out of whatever it is they're in the middle of and it they're not on their way to showering after that, there are consequences - such as the loss of game time.
I know other people are definitely stricter and would think I'm crazy for negotiating anything at all with a 12yo... But, I feel like it's a good balance. My children respect me, they love me and my partner and they show it, they're generally grateful (kids this age all have moments of complete selfishness, let's be honest) and they're happy and well adjusted. No, they don't do exactly as I tell them as soon as I tell them but that's okay, they're learning which fights are worth having - battles over everything or raising a weird Stepford kid isn't the life I want.
My SO believes they should have strict homework times and game times. Why? If they weren't playing games and chatting to their friends, what would they be doing? Sat watching TV. What's the difference? They don't have homework every single night, they might not feel like doing it at 6pm every night. As long as it's done, and they manage their time, it's fine. Strict rules like that lead to more trauma than is necessary - especially for boys previously brought up to engage in a bit of creative negotiation. They talk to me about EVERYTHING, nothing is out of bounds and I believe that's because of how I have brought them up to.
The SS are good boys, they're just being allowed to come into adulthood they way I would do it. I moved out at 17, put myself through university, raised my babies, got a degree. I was extremely, proudly, independent so I look at them and think they'd struggle to look after themselves, I was married with two kids and a house by the time I was SS21 age. I'm by no means typical, and I wouldn't want my children to follow those footsteps but there is definitely a middle ground.
This is all something my SO and myself need to agree on so we have a way forward; it helps to write it all down
Time to cut the Daddy taxi
Time to cut the Daddy taxi service for SS-21 instantly. When my SS was in his I don't wanna drive phase we figured out that it was due to the fact that he had never been left to figure his own transportation out. So, we immediately told him "no more rides unless we are going there ourselves". He never made any effort to get his DL when he was eligible at 16 and it was not until we cut him off cold turkey at 18 that he got off of his ass and made it happen.
Regardless of age if kids are present in the home there are non-negotiable involable rules that they clean up after themselves, they participate in keeping the home and property presentable, they do it immediately and without bitching, and that they will treat all residents of the home with basic courtesy and respect. The older they are, the firmer the response for violations. If SS-21 is living in the home, his space is spotless and he cleans what his told to clean when he is told to clean it. Just like the other three minor teen/pre teen boys. If he does not step up he can step out and find his own place to live.
Regardless of "how they were raised", SS-21 is an adult and he should instantly be given clarity that he is welcome to live in the home but his younger sibs are now getting their turn at the ages they are at and he will not be allowed to jeopardize their turn at this age. He has had his turn. The younger ones get taken to or from activities. SS-21 gets off of his ass and figures it out or he does not go to the things he wants to go to.
Pretty simple.
Good luck.