Look into a parenting course for you and your SO to do together. If your SO still doesn't do basic parenting stuff after that, this child will grow up to be an entitled sh!t.

My SD5 has a mom just like your partner. SD is a demanding high-maintenance little madam, BUT she is aware of our rules and expectations, we have successfully taught her that what we serve for dinner is the very last meal of the day, if she doesn't like it, we put it away for when she says she's hungry, took a few evenings, but she no longer complains or asks for something else.

Children can be re-trained, so long as the adults are actively parenting and being consistent. So keep in mind, when you have a not so good thought about 3yo, remind yourself, it's NOT HIM, it's his mother that is the problem.

Nothing to do with you disliking kids. Lots to do with her being a Terrible parent. Sorry but she sucks. She's telling you to go ahead and introduce discipline and structure to this kid and then is undermining you. He's 3. This will get so so much worse if she doesn't knock off the guilt and learn how to be a real mom and fast.

I am sure you love her and are getting attached to the child. But you need to have a serious talk with your girl and see if she wants to evolve as a parent or if she wants to coddle her kid and then make your choice about whether or not you want to stay involved. If she wants to make up for her ex, your life will be total hell with this kid. Read around.

Lol! You are very much describing the early stages of my blended family life. The difference .... my bride and I agreed from early on that if we were to be equity life partners that we would be equity parents to any children in our home.

DW and I met when SS-22 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo so my situation from a Skid age perspective is not significantly different than yours. I was 29 and my bride was 18 when we met. We married when I was 30 and a month before she turned 19.

Though our age difference is quit different than that between you and your SO we both had learned what we did not want in a marriage/life partnership from prior relationship experiences. I was 4yrs post divorce when we married. My XW and I had no children together. My bride was 18mos post breakup from the serially out of wedlock statutory rapist breeding Sperm Idiot though she had never been married.

Others have advised setting boundaries. Set them ... more importantly ... enforce them.

"You can climb up on the couch yourself so do it or go to your room and cry."

"If you poop your pants one more time you will sit on the toilet all day until you poop again."

This one is particularly irritating for me as my SS was not fully toilet trained until he was 4yo because we would have him 80+% toilet trained and then he would go on a Sperm Land visitation and come back in a loaded diaper with ass rot so bad he would have puss filled welts all over his butt and his anus was so diaper rashed and raw that it would bleed when we cleaned him up. All because the Sperm Clan was "too busy" to take him to the toilet every time he asked. A 3yo should be able to tell the adults present that they need to go to the toilet. Force this issue now or suffer for it for another year or more.

"Use your words. If you want something ask. If you cry, pout, scream and make noise to get attention you will go to your room and stay there all alone until your mom and I get tired."

etc........

Set your boundaries, inform your GF that they will be enforced by her or she can be quiet while you do it but they will be enforced.

My wife and I met when we were in college more than 1200 miles from her family and more than 9000 miles from mine except for my brother and his wife. While we were dating the Skid was with us all of the time. My brother and I purchased a condo and lived together while we finished our engineering degrees. He and my SIL watched the kid one time and that was only for a few hours and not overnight. Whether we were staying at my place for my wife's (then GFs) the Skid slept in his own room and his mom and I had privacy. That kid was with us for nearly everything from the time we met until he went to boarding school for his Jr. and Sr. year of HS. Except during his Sperm Clan visitations. Our only alone time was when the Sperm Clan attempted to get custody and was awarded 7wks of visitation per year. (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring). Those were our only breaks from the Skid. Other than that we had him 24/7 45 weeks per year.

Boundaries and equity partnership works in a blended family. Particularly with younger Skids which is the case in your situation. Not having alone time was not a deal breaker for us.

When I graduated 3mos after we started dating and left AZ for CA my phone bills were insane. The lowest phone bill from Mar-July was nearly $700. I visited her and the Skid a few times, she visited me a few times while the Skid was visiting his Sperm Idiot. 5mos after I graduated and moved we headed to Tahoe and got married. The kid was there.

He enlisted in the USAF when he was 18. His mom and I are having the adventure of our lives. We are both very close with our son, he has little to do with the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool as the toxic Sperm Idiot and Sperm Clan offer him nothing positive to associate with.

SS remained an only child in our marriage. He calls me Dad, I call him son, when he irritates his mother she tells me "Deal with YOUR son!", my parents are his GrandParents, my brother and SIL are his Uncle and Aunt, their kids are his cousins, it works.

So, you have a choice. Go all in and make a life with this woman, raise her son as you would your own, and insist that you and your bride are equity life partners and equity parents to any children in your home. Set boundaries, and hold each other accountable for consistently enforcing those boundaries. Or end it now because the alternative of marrying this woman and letting the kid run amok, allowing her to marginalize you in your marital home, and allowing the toxic bullshit to build up to critical mass just ends in divorce, hard feelings, and releases a PITA POS kid onto society if and when that kid ever launches.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

THE RED FLAG-if your girlfriend tells you to let the little boy alone while he craps on himself, then she will be telling you to let him alone about other things years down the road

Any WHY is a three year old not potty trained by now? If he is old enough to talk then he is old enough to be potty trained.

And the BIG question-Would you be happy with her as the mother to any children you guys might have together?

If you do decide to stay, manners mean a lot. Try to teach children to say yes mam, no mam, yes sir, thank you, please etc while they learn to talk. Its easier to do it when they are learning to talk. Just a FYI.

Good luck to both of you.

It's nice your gf has two jobs and a strong work ethic. It's not nice she treats her little boy like a mascot, to be petted, indulged, and showed off.

What he is is a human being who needs to learn how to survive in a world full of other people. Where is she working on that goal? I see zero in your post that demonstrates she is teaching him anything or requiring him to grow. He's adorable and that's all she wants from him. A mascot.

If you can somehow turn this around as Rags suggests and forge a strong partnership where she grows into a good parent and you a fully authorized dad, this can work.

But your post is full of self-doubt on your own opinions and a strong sense that you need to try harder to tolerate a little boy who is woefully behind normal due to his mother's need to indulge and her own separation anxiety. All her behavior in the here and now, not the mystical, magical future, is screaming that she will sacrifice everyone else's needs on the altar of The Great Mascot. What she does not see is that she is even sacrificing the child's needs on this altar.

What this means to you is that by the time the kid is ten your love for your wife will be choking in the weeds of resentment, astonishment, horror, loss of respect, anger, and exhaustion. As they say, what's cute at 5 is obnoxious at 10 and illegal at 18. Right now, this is your future if you continue with this woman.

This weekend we went to dinner at the home of my nephew's new in-laws. Others at the party were the bride's parents, siblings and their children, ranging in age from 12ish to a 5 month old. All these children were doted on by the various aunts/uncles and grandparents. The 21 month old was running about impishly and gleefully--and being told "no" from time to time. By anyone in the room who noticed her climbing, bouncing or whatever on some contraband. She responded appropriately, clearly understanding "no." They were also trying potty training with her, she participated cheerfully, but not quite understanding yet. The 8 yr old and 12 yr old sat at our table quietly with perfect table manners, occasionally joining the adult conversation with an on-topic remark or story. They cleared their plates and settings when they were done.

The evening was enriched by the children being there. They were never chaotic nor obnoxious. And you could tell it was from how they were raised, evidenced by the 21 month old. The parents in this family (3 or 4 different sets) clearly started when they were babies, telling them not to hit, to have respect for the rights of others, to learn limits and boundaries, to entertain themselves, not to monopolize attention or test too far.

This is what you should want for your home life. This woman's child is far, far behind on all those things. Will he be able to eat what's in front of him and clear his place and appropriately respect/join an adult dinner conversation when he's 12 at this rate? Let me tell you what dinner is like with a completely untrained 12 year old -- it is hell. One of the big ticket items at our house. You think it's a little thing, but it will drive you to insanity, to depression, to rage.

Right now you have a dreamy relationship that takes place, by your own account, at least 75% on the phone. The 25% of the time you are in person together there are big problems (never alone together, separation anxiety, undermining of you by her, backward child development unnoticed by mother). Please pause to consider this recipe does not make for a good or long lasting marriage. Change things now or please let go.

P.S. I'm not bothered by you getting advice from your dad. You are not married to this woman, not even engaged. You have a 6 month phone thing peppered by 3-person dates, dates which contain a lot of stress for you. No reason you shouldn't be getting feedback from your confidants.

Ok, you've gotten perfect advice from everyone. I haven't seen you respond which means your head is spinning. Let's say this, I have 3 kids, 2 are from my first marriage. My youngest was 4 at the time, she was fully potty trained at 2 1/2. Boys are a tad slower, and a first child as a boy, my son was 4 before he was fully potty trained. I tried but he would just hide. This child isn't hiding and she isn't doing anything either.

If I had seen him trying to poop, I would have forcably taken him in the bathroom and he would HAVE sat on that toilet. I am old school though, so maybe I'm just that way. As for coddling my kids, I never did. I felt bad their dad and I didn't make it so maybe I bought a toy or two I shouldn't have. If they acted up, they got said toy taken away.

You don't have kids, I admire you for not judging her for having one but I think that this will be a bad relationship for you as she's already undoing anything you try. She isn't really interested in you being DAD but she is interested in you, I'm not sure of the underlying reasons since she doesn't want to be alone with you. I dated, obviously since I am now here in step-hell. I did get a babysitter or they went to their dad's. I worry about my kids all the time but they don't run my life.

I not only had 1 kid, I had 2 at the time. My older child was only 8 as well. I was lucky enough not to have to work 2 jobs but I did financially struggle. I wasn't ready for a relationship then either, and neither is your gf. She needs to find her own way, take it from me, I didn't give it enough time and choices made on a broken heart are not good ones.

So date her-fine. Do not get married, get pregnant or take it to moving in until she gets her child and herself together. SHE ISNT TOGETHER!

I am happy to hear you have taken all this feedback and come up with your own plan. Excellent.

"Let me say this, had she not had a child, we would have painted the town red. I do love her and we get along great. The times we HAVE had alone have been absolutely wonderful...going out to a concert, taking a day trip to the mountains, I couldn't ask for anything more."

Marriage is not 90% going to concerts and taking day trips to the mountains. If it were, there'd be few divorces. As a dating partner, she is barely making time for these great adventures. As a married couple, you can assume they would dry up almost completely because she is showing you NOW how she handles "family life." And this is during the time she's DATING, putting her best foot forward, doing the sparkly pink clouds of love thing.

Marriage is about facing LIFE together. That means 90% of it is what you do now as a single man: cope with laundry, bad days at work, layoffs, the flu, deciding on savings or spending, cooking or fast food, which family members to spend Christmas with. Your wife must be a person who works in partnership with you on all these levels, not just on the fun days of entertainment.

One of the big sore spots of many step-parents is, in fact, that the feeling of being important enough to spend a leisurely day with in the mountains vanishes. Now it's all about how you are not doing enough for junior and how dare you suggest we leave junior behind and you go ahead, I'll just stay here with junior, and I'm sleeping in junior's room this night/week/month because he's adjusting/a child of divorce!/upset you asked him not to eat with his fingers. Etc and so forth ad nauseum.

Please keep this important fact in mind. You will not be MORE important after marriage than you are during courtship. I mean, the best relationships grow and become more tightly bound together. But when you feel like you're not sure you really have a toe hold in her life/heart while DATING, you should realize the odds are you will be taken for granted as a SPOUSE.

I really like how you put a plan together to understand your relationship with her better. If things are as wonderful as you thought they were, she WILL grow with you and learn to be a better mother and a better partner. Best wishes to you, come back and let us know how it turns out.

P.S. (Believe it is I who used the term 'fully authorized.')

I grew up in a household where it takes a village to raise a child--and that's how DH and I raise our BD. Anyone is allowed to tell her no (but not everyone is allowed to tell her yes, for obvious, chocolaty reasons) and to discipline her, because we both want her to learn that everyone has different tolerance levels--what is okay for me and her daddy may not be okay for someone else, which is why we don't place restrictions on verbal disciplining (you know, as long as it's not abusively shouting and demeaning.)

Our daughter is 20 months right now, and TODDLERS ARE SO RIDICULOUSLY MANIPULATIVE that sometimes I just want to pull my hair out. It's really nice having DH who backs me up or I back him up when either of us are too tired to follow through--and babies seem to sniff out weakness like a bloodhound. I love my child, but have no delusions about how controlling children can be.

With potty training, 2 should be about the time they start, BUT DH has a cousin who has a son who is 4... and although he will go number 1 in the potty, he won't number 2. They've tried everything and kind of gave up. It was because he went number 2 on the toilet ONCE and apparently he had constipation and it hurt so he refused from then on.

Because I've never experienced divorce and having another man in BD's life, I can't say how I'd react, but I'd like to think I would want whoever I deemed acceptable enough to date (after all, if he's good enough to date, it means he passed muster in the moral and value department) would be an important part of my life and I'd never want him to feel like he has to walk on eggshells around my child. As much as I want him to be good to my child, I want my child to be good to him too. It's a two way street for me.

In terms of child free time... if you guys get three nights off, I'd count that as lucky only because we rarely even get one night off. If we do have someone babysitting, that time is usually used doing cleaning, laundry, dishes, errands as fast as humanly possible. But because we both went into this knowing a baby changes all that, we're okay with it--but I know someone without children would not have that same mindset (and even some of my friends who will have children can't imagine not having time off to themselves.) I hope you guys can come to a compromise, but I think 3 nights a week is already really good (but at this point I'd take ten minutes if I could). What would be a good amount of time for you?