My husbands ex told him this morning that their daughter wants to live with her full time
I can't believe this is happening. My husband is talking with his daughter right now. His ex demanded to meet today (he called instead, they usually email) and told him that their daughter said she wants to spend more time at her mom's. Right now it's 50% with each parent every other week, it has been for 5 years. She is 12. I don't know if its the usual tween hormone stuff or if she really wants it or if her mom has turned her against us. I'm an okay stepmom, i've probably tried too hard over the years and have backed off in the last few weeks. But my husband is an amazing dad. He's the soccer coach of her team, takes her to swim meets every week, piano lessons, spends good quality time with her playing and being silly. He makes her breakfast every morning and lately he's been carting her around to all her playdates etc. He hasn't missed his every other week visit in over 5 years. He is present and loving and generous. Our home is peaceful, it's just the three of us, our dog, cat, and iguana. My stepdaughter loves animals. But she has been distant lately and this was my worst fear. I do not believe it is natural for a child to turn away from their parent like this. It could be hormones that'll pass over (she wanted to change schools last month and changed her mind). Or it could be something that her mom has planted. Her mom is a very difficult woman and has never given my husband a moment's peace since the divorce. I'm going downstairs to join them for dinner in a little bit. I'm so worried!
We live 25 miles from her
We live 25 miles from her school, her mom lives 35 miles. She has friends over every weekend she's here and spends time with them after school some days too. I understand that friends are really important at this age but I don't think that's an issue. We go out of our way.
We live 25 miles from her
We live 25 miles from her school, her mom lives 35 miles. She has friends over every weekend she's here and spends time with them after school some days too. I understand that friends are really important at this age but I don't think that's an issue. We go out of our way.
Yes, my husband's therapist
Yes, my husband's therapist mentioned that girls tend to lean toward there moms at this age, boys to their dads. He is far too intelligent and sensitive to ever make her his daughter feel badly about that. He's always listened to her and supported her decisions. That doesn't mean that this isn't hard for him, for us!
How did you keep your
How did you keep your relationship going? My stepdaughter is only 12. Her dad is so involved in her life every day, homework, practicing her music, talking about friends and boys. He is a devoted dad. I just can't imagine how he will be able to stay as involved if he sees her only not he weekends. (i'm just guessing thats how it might work?)
OH, this is the exact thing
OH, this is the exact thing that just happen to me, but I'm the step-dad, and she wanted to go with her real dad after 10 of being with me full time and making me feel like I was greatest thing in her life, she just changed at 12 and suddenly wants to be with her dad, and at the same time turned cold to me. I know the dad influenced her, because she was starting to get a lot for iPad misbehaving. It hurt so bad when it came out that she "misses her dad" when this POS has never been a part of her life until that last 6 months when he saw her growing up. I just hate the fact that she left of mom like she did.
This is the huge reminder that step parents are what we are. We get stepped on.
Man, that's rough. Sorry for
Man, that's rough. Sorry for you and your wife. I'm reading more about how we have to give kids this age room to grow and make their own decisions. They leave and often come back as long as the parent they're leaving stays steady. I never felt stepped on until the last few months, btw.
What is PAS? Ill check out
What is PAS? Ill check out the website, thanks. I am a little confused since someone else said it's natural at this age. I don't have kids of my own so don't know what to expect. It does seem unnatural for a child to do this when they've been so close and happy with the parent. I honestly am questioning my sanity thinking that it's because I've pulled away over the last few weeks after I caught her reading my phone! But that can't be it, can it? That's just crazy to me. But i have thought it.
Okay. I don't know if thats
Okay. I don't know if thats happening. Outwardly the ex is supportive of my husband as a dad. But she hasn't really let him go emotionally (imho) all these years later. My hope is that my stepdaughter is just going through a rough time and wants to be with her mom more. I have heard that's really common at this age. But I am concerned that her mom planted a seed somewhere.
Pas isnt real... Sorry
Pas isnt real... Sorry
Exactly lol
Exactly lol
Exactly lol
Exactly lol
Why even talk about it?
Why even talk about it?
"No, the CO clearly states 50/50 and that is the time that I will continue to have with my daughter. If anything, I want her with me full time. So, either we stay the way it is or I will be there this evening to pick her up with all of her stuff and she will be living with me full time. Your choice BM. What's it gonna be?"
Most states will not allow a kid to decide which parent they will live with. Most states at most will allow a child to give the Judge their opinion. Many states won't even allow that.
So, NO!
End of story.
We were very clear with SS when he would come home from Sperm Land visitation and say "(Sperm Grandhag) and my (Sperm Idiot) want me to live there full time.".
"Son, the Judge decided that it is better for you to be with your mom full time. You will never live in (Sperm Land) with the (Sperm Clan). Ever. The next time anyone in Sperm Land says you should live with them you tell them that your home is here, the Judge knows this is the best place for you, and that you like visiting them but won't live there. Then tell them to call us instead of trying to make you feel bad."
I suggest that DH review the CO with SD-12, share all of the court records, share your journal of all of the toxic bullshit that BM has played (you have one I hope), and start to introduce SD-12 to the facts and reality. She is more than old enough to know the reality of the entire situation including her BM's toxic bullshit. That will prepare her to protect herself from the toxic manipulations of her BM.
It worked for my Skid.
She said she misses her mom
She said she misses her mom and that she can't sleep here. We just bought her a new bed that she asked for and new sheets. SHe said her sheets are scratchy. it's all so odd.
My husband agrees with you
My husband agrees with you here, he thinks it's important to listen to his daughter. Shes not a flighty girl. She's had the same schedule for over 4 years. She's growing and changing and her needs are changing and she has a natural desire to be with her mom right now. ALbeit guided by her mom for MOTY purposes (I just learned that word ha!). But her need is real and my husband loves and respects her and wants her to be happy. This isn't a moody kid who yelled "I hate you! i want to live with mom!" this is a sensitive kid who sat there for almost and hour and cried her eyes out telling her dad the hardest thing you can tell a parent. I want to be with my other parent more.
With what you have shared, it
With what you have shared, it sounds more like she is being talked into this rather than it being "natural" in any way. The bm probably waited until she reached an age that she thought would carry weight in court. And now she is talking her into living with her more, as if she gets to decide. My daughter is 12, and friends are WAY more important than either parent. With a dad like you describe, it makes absolutely no sense that she would want to be w/ bm more. It sounds like he is doing a good job of filling both parental roles when she's with him.
I would guess it's age
I would guess it's age related. My kid did this with me and his dad. Wanted more time at dads when he turned 11. ExH and I had already talked about how our kid would probably switch to identify more with the same sex parent around that time. We gave him a little extra time with me when he was little (like an extra school night here and there) but nothing regular. We gave him a little more time with ExH (same as before) when he was 11-12. He doesn't ask really anymore as both ExH and I support equal time with both parent generally. I think it's a phase.