SD19 getting married...and guess who she's asked to "help" pay for it?
Backstory: DH had a very nasty divorce about 9 years ago. He was married for 27 years to the reigning Ms. Wack_Job (who has held the title for 30+ years now). They yielded 3 nasty heirs to the Throne-O-Epic-Madness. He shared custody for the youngest…we’ll refer to her as “Precious” in this little tale.
“Precious” lived with us 50% of the time for 6 years. Now she’s 19, has a kid of her own and announced that she’s getting married to a rather nice guy. She has never worked a day in her life. DH paid CS all those years to BM to the tune of $900 a month alongside alimony to the ripe ole tune of $2000 a month. BM only worked part time after the divorce and kept that way in order to rape DH for all the alimony she could get. And in addition to Alimony and CS, Precious always put her hand out for other things she “needed”. BM always told her to go ask dad for the money…and Precious did. Well…..this is where it gets fun!!!
BM took us to court for more Alimony and tried to dip into my income. Reason being: CS ended and she just had to maintain her standard of living even though SD moved in with her BF a few years prior but we continued to make CS payments directly to her. Oh yes…she’s a real tool.
This was a simply solution…DH needed to retire in order to end Alimony. The payment would have increased to almost $3500 a month! He had 30+ years at his job so it was time. After WEEKS of fighting with him about it, he retired. Alimony stopped after I…I…paid her off with a check to the tune of $60k. Not to include the attorney fees either…but they were almost $10k that I just finished paying off. And I don’t think I need to tell all of you what kind of fights we had during all this. Yes, he was the type of father who was parenting out of guilt all during this time so “Precious” got what she wanted. Every. Single. Time. And we fought about it Every. Single. Time.
Needless to say, a massive wedge was placed in the middle of my relationship with DH and skids. It was all my fault that dad retired and the money stopped coming into Mommy. Now what is she to do? She “needs” to get her $200 hair cut every 6 weeks along with her nails…she “needs” to go to Texas on vacation…blah blah blah…(((vomit))) Oh yes…Precious hates me. And she hasn’t talked to me in 3 years now. No invite to see the baby when it was born…nothing. But she invites daddy. And he’s gone without me. Whatever.
Fast forward to today: Staying true to form, Precious called asking for money to help pay for her wedding that she decided to plan in 7 short weeks. I’m talking like a full on mulit-thousand dollar wedding last minute. Her guest list: 350 people. No typo there…350. Well Daddy is retired. We’re functioning on my income alone and I’m raising a young bio kid in my household which I get zero CS for. My income is modest and I manage to make ends meet with the income we have. Her plan that was announced was to have BM pay a portion, DH pay a portion and her and her new husband would pick up any remaining balance. She asked for us to pay half…$9000. I literally blew a blood vessel in my neck. DH, still guilt parenting, said he’d discuss it with me and get back to her. He turns to me and says “I’d like to help my kid. Let’s give her what she needs to make her special day remarkable.” Now mind you, I haven’t heard from her in 3 years.
So I told him good luck raising the money. That was a huge fight. He reminded me that the window is very tight to work and get that kind of money…and remember that if he works, BM gets over half of any new income he makes. Not my problem is what I’m thinking until he reminds me that my money is his money too. He does the repairs and upkeep to the house and I bring in the cash.
I sucked it up and offer to give her $500 as her wedding gift. He’s quite sour about that and has been tripping over his bottom lip ever since this started because he wants me to shell out more. I do have substantially more money saved BUT IT’S NOT FOR HER FUCKING WEDDING! Sorry…I digressed.
I’ve beat this issue to death with him and I’m not sure what else to do. D-Day is coming up fast and he asked me today about the money for her. We’ve been to counseling for the past 3 years and brought it up there. Was advised to give $500 and let it be. Honestly, dishing over one more penny to this skid makes me want to vomit in my mouth. I simply can’t bring myself to doing it. Any thoughts on what to do or how to handle this?
Oh, one more thing…I’m NOT invited to the wedding btw…
This is simply outrageous.
This is simply outrageous. The answer is obvious. It won't just stop with the wedding. These leeches will suck you dry. You're not invited? And he still asks for YoUR money? Hell no!
She needs to be told that there simply is no money available for luxuries... Like weddings, which IMHO are the biggest money waste of all time.
Oh hell no. If he wants to
Oh hell no. If he wants to do that he can find a job doing something under the table...You do not give anything if you are not invited for starters. I would kill DH if he continued to berate me about this. But, then I also would not be supporting a man. He needs to figure out his own finances and you need to separate yours.
Conversations like this make me glad that DH and I never co-mingled anything and are on the same page with what we do for the kids.
Wait wait wait wait..... you
Wait wait wait wait..... you gave BM SIXTY THOUSAND DOLLARS??? Show the cashed check to SD and say, "I gave your wedding money to your mom, ask her." :jawdrop:
Good Answer! Let the Golden
Good Answer! Let the Golden Uterus pay for the wedding. How long have they been divorced? I can not believe he had to retire to stop the bleeding of alimony. If he goes back to work, she gets half. I get they were married a long time. OMG! What state do you all live in? What year is it...1950?
Hahahahahahaha! Oh Lord, no
Hahahahahahaha! Oh Lord, no way in hell. The $500.00 you offered is more generous than I would be.
You gave BM $60K!! OMG!! No
You gave BM $60K!! OMG!! No way in hell would I give that bitch a penny and I would leave DH for asking and pouting and letting her disrespect me. You need to take your savings and go make a home for yourself and your child.
Open your eyes, your dh is
Open your eyes, your dh is using you honey!
You have a minor child to support, provide for in the future (is said child going to get alllllll the things precious has had and continues to expect?!!!)
You get zero is CS yourself
You have a reasonable paid job, but are carrying the burden of the household finances
Your dh retired in order to escape the obscene hike in alimony HIS money grabbing ex was attempting to steal, therefore leaving your joint finances at a massive disadvantage
YOU have already provided over $60k to pay off HIS ex, HIS baggage and provide for HIS children
His children blamed you for the retirement and it sounds like dh was happy you were the evil scapegoat
His ydd doesnt talk to you, you are not invited to the wedding or included in any of her family events yet dh still insists you put your hand into your savings and take money away from YOUR minor child to make him father of year
Dh uses emotional blackmail to guilt you by reminding you of his contribution to the repairs and maintenance of the house, that your money is also HIS money....seriously? Has his potion of effort in house maintenance totalled anywhere near the number you have forked out for his mistake marriage number one?! Please!
I would tell him to go f*ck himself and then refuse to talk to him about this topic EVER again (has any of your defence, talking and reasoning to him worked yet? Nope! Then why bother. Dont justify and defend, its what he wants so he continue with his cruel negotations in attempting to get his way....stop and engage silence) If (when) he sulked, became nasty and vindictive I would ignore and start excluding him from my life events ...in fact I would deliberately busy myself on weekends with really fun stuff and take myself off to enjoy, and I wouldnt give a rats arse about him and his awful family. No way in hell would I fork out $500 , I wouldnt give two hoots if his reasonings for refusing to get a job was because ex wife could claim a massive percentage. Not. Your. Damn. Problem. If he really, really wanted ysd to have x $ then HE would sort it alone, because he would rationalise the above points...wifey is amazing, shes done more than enough and I love her too much to expect her to constantly bend over...
This dick of a guy has consistently made his HUGE baggage your issue, your burden, and like a damn trooper (or love struck sucker ...sorry but its true) you have shouldered the majority of this horrendous debt and life sucking leeches in order to ease dh life. Paying off the ex, reducing your quality of life enabling dh to retire, putting up with his user kids, but seriously enough is enough!!! Its *still* not enough for this guy (see where his damn kids get it from? Users the lot of em) and guess what? It never will be enough! A line needs to be drawn by you and if he still hasnt made any progress from THREE years of couples counselling, then you are flogging a dead relationship. It seems to me, like he hasnt healthy progressed in terms of how he views you, his children, his relationship with you both and connecting all the millions of dots and sacrifices you have made for him. A relationship is not a one way flow of water, where one person gives and the other takes. That is abusive and toxic. There is an ebb and flow in both directions, where love and support is equally illustrated! Where and when do you see this going and ending?
I agree - DH has and IS using
I agree - DH has and IS using you - big time. No more money period - for anything - not even $500 to a wedding you are not invited to. By the way, you over-paid him for his 'maintenance services' when you shelled out the $60k to his ex-wife. If he is not contributing to 1/2 of the household expenses his work around the house is in lieu of rent. Tell him, "NO, NO and NO!" If he doesn't like it tell him to leave. If you have to get a divorce, what you have given him already will be considered in the settlement. Another thing - if the minor child is his he will also be charged for support.
Oh hell no. Not a penny for
Oh hell no. Not a penny for the SD out of wedlock breeder's wedding and you go on your DH's arm whether you are specifically invited or not. If SD or BM has an issue with your presence, they can fuck off.
I would never forfeit my place at my bride's side ever, for any reason, and for damned sure not when it had anything to do with my Skid or the toxic Sperm Clan. Fortunately my Skid would throw his Sperm Idiot and the rest of the toothless drooling Sperm Clan to the curb rather than marginalize his mom and I.
So, go to the wedding, be radiant, beam your happiness at your DH's side, and let the toxic blended family opposition wilt in your radiance and run for the dark shadows like cockroaches who run for a dark corner when the light is thrown on in a dark roach filled room. Be the light. Let them scurry like cockroaches. When your DH retired and you became the bread winner in your marriage he gave up control over how your income would be spent outside of for the direct use of that income for your family and marriage. Adult skid's don't get resources from Sparents unless the Sparent specifically makes that decision.
Good luck and be radiant at the wedding. Tell DH to get his testicles back from his XW and his youngest first marriage fuck nugget.
Lady, I'll be the best damn
Lady, I'll be the best damn husband (and I'm a woman) if you give me 60k. I cook, clean, and provide jolly good companionship.
Giving that to BM was like flushing it down the toilet. Putting up with that damn husband of yours is like flushing your self esteem down the toilet. You're worth more than this. No man is worth that.
Why are you still there? You
Why are you still there? You love this guy, but he - and his brood - are bleeding you dry. There's nothing but misery in it for you. You may as well have the misery (temporary) on your own than with this waste of space. Seriously.
People who have already set
People who have already set up household living together and have kids should not expect other people to pay for their wedding. That's gall.
Whatever happened to meeting, dating, wedding, house and then baby? Its not really that hard and it would save a lot of heartache.
And NO! You should not pay for a wedding you are not invited to.
$60k to your husband's
$60k to your husband's exwife. Picking myself up off the floor..... Somehow your husband convinced you this was a reasonable thing to do. And now he's managing to make you feel guilty for not forking out more.
Something is very wrong here. Just by contrast my dh would sell his house and car, dig ditches at night, sell his blood, hair, health for medical experiments, and anything else he could think of rather than take that kind of money from me for any purpose let alone to fork over to his ex-wife.
If you want to stay with him I like the idea of showing the girl the $60k check and telling her 'ask your mom.'
Next get some individual counseling to find out why you didn't laugh this man out of the building the first any of this nonsense ever came up. Really, it's hideous. He changes a light bulb and flips the breaker switch once in awhile so you owe him and his tens of thousands of dollars in repeating batches? Get yourself a $60k handyman! You can find a younger one with no kids no problem!
You paid $60,000 of your
You paid $60,000 of your money to the ex wife.
Stepdaughter hasn't talked to you in three years and now wants $9,000 for a wedding!!!
After you stopped laughing your answer should have been NO!!
Go to a lawyer who specializes in prenuptials. I know it's long after your marriage, but you need advice on how to protect yourself financially. This guy can give it to you.
Get yourself to a counselor who can help you understand why you are financially ruining yourself and help you to stop.
No way do you pay a dime!
No way do you pay a dime!
Yes, I think there is a lot
Yes, I think there is a lot being left out.
Does he have any retirement money or a pension. How old is he and how old are you. Did he stop working to spite his ex, when if he was still working he would have some money coming in.
If he has already paid her off, I am guessing if you have 10k in legal fees then he has a binding legal agreement, then why would he have to pay her more if he gets another job.
How old is your kid? That kind of money 60k could have gone to college expenses.
If you are just making it on your income, then where is this money going to come from. A loan?