Wow our counselor advised us to something I didn't expect

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First of all thank you for everyone who has helped me. I agree that my husband may have botched the delivery but I think he ahd the right idea setting clearer boundaries with his ex. But get this, we went to meet with our family counselor that we've seen together and separately over the years and the counselor said that ignoring the ex or telling her there's new rules about communication (email only essentials only) is not a good idea. He said the problem isn't my husband or his ex its me. He wasn't so blunt about it but thats the idea. Hit me like a ton of bricks. Basically he said my husband should keep doing what he's doing, handling his ex and he daughter as he sees fit but that bringing me into it is not a good idea because it upsets me. I can see why he'd say that because I've only gotten involved recently for years I really had no idea what my husband was dealing with with his ex. So back to me being blissfully ignorant I guess. We'll try it for a few months and see how it works. My husband will deal with his ex and keep it to himself. His daughter too now I guess since she's got a lot going on, wanting to live more with her mom and then texting my husband "mom is making me mad, I want to be with you." I'll have to bite my tongue. Or maybe I won't because in this new way of doing things my husband isn't going to tell me anything. Unless it affects our finances or our schedule. That seems fair and thats what the counselor said. On the one hand I'm relieved because knowing this stuff is driving me crazy and I don't want to spend all my time with my hsuband talking about his ex and his daughter. But also I feel weird, left out, like my husband and I aren't really a team if we don't talk about this stuff. I guess I'll have to figure that out on my own because we commited to two months of no talking about the ex or the daughter. I bet he'll meet with the two of them a lot in the coming weeks, trying to find a way to make them both happy. I'll have to readjust my thinking to enjoy the time I haev to myself and not worry about the rest i guess. I'm okay with it but I feel weird.

"Oh, so sorry Mr. Therapist,

"Oh, so sorry Mr. Therapist, but another woman's emotional co-dependence on my husband does actually affect me."

I would bite a tongue alright but it wouldn't be mine.

^^^ What kind of half assed

^^^

What kind of half assed therapist are you guys seeing? Yeah, no, this is tantamount to having an emotional affair.

"Hey Mr. Therapist, yeah I'll be happy that another woman calls/texts/contacts my husband constantly about her personal life and taking up the time and energy of my husband away from our household and marriage WHILE NOT TELLING ME as soon as you take this orange and shove it so far up your butt you can taste Tropicana."

Were you happier not knowing? Can you go back to not knowing but /knowing/ he and his exwife are talking to eachother like they're still married and that how your husband acts and what your household is like is run by a woman who is not you? Because that's what's happening.

I agree its not great. But I

I agree its not great. But I will clarify that my husband and his ex don't talk about anything other than their daughter. Of course the ex uses their daughter as a way to stay close to my husband (I thinks so anyway). But my husband doesn't initiate unless it's a quick text (running 5 min late) or an email to plan out her summer camps, for instance. He shared all their texts/emails/voicemails with me recently. It's mostly texts ("does she seem happy today, she was sad on our call last night" the ex will text him) or emails ("I cant remember what we decided about piano this week" even though he's emailed her about it 100 times). The calls are fewer because he never picks up and she always has to leave a message. it's usually cryptic (I'm worried about her, CALL ME!!!"). Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. I jsut dont want to give the wrong impression. Its not an emotional affiar. It's overkill i think, but waht the therapist was saying is that my husband has been able to manage his ex for many years letting it roll off his back. The only one upset here is me. So I should remove myself, and my husband can't ask for my input, so we go back to the wayt hings were. I'm so exhausted by them (the three of them, my husband, his ex and their daughter) that Im' relieved to be told I can check out.

Interesting. I never would

Interesting. I never would have been comfortable sharing my husband (this is how I see it even though some others might choose to see it as effective coparenting) with another woman. Emergencies and logistic issues sure, but not to the extent your BM has done. I mean if you're okay with it, then you should do it. Everyone has a different tolerance level and I know what's not okay for me is okay for someone else.

Early on in my relationship I tried the ignorance is bliss approach, but I'd get punched in the face by something that was agreed to without my input so I decided that was not okay. If you feel relieved you can check out, then I think this is an approach worth pursuing.

It's not an emotional affair

It's not an emotional affair as we normally think about it but to her, it might as well be and your DH enables it. She makes is seem like it's about the daughter but it's really about her and her enmeshment with your husband.

But, if you're okay with it.....

Okay but that means ZERO

Okay but that means ZERO money other than CO'd CS. Period. Dot! No cell phone bill money, no sports team money, nothing. Not a single penny. Also, zero agreement about anything that would impact you in any way. That means ZERO changes to visitation schedules initiated by BM or the Skid. Nothing, not a single change for any reason that your DH does not initiate without your prior approval.

See how he likes the zero communication with you with very strict guidelines that he has zero choice but to follow. See how BM and the Skid like it too.

Seriously, not one penny of additional money beyond CS and not one second of deviation of visitation schedule by BM or the Skid. Any additional money and any change to anything does not happen unless you approve before the event.

I think this therapist is an idiot. What marriage or family therapist would recommend anything but complete and total communication between spouses? Not one worth a shit IMHO. Fire that idiot and find a therapist whose goal is supporting a strong marriage between the spouses who are the clients.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

You need a standing ovation.

You need a standing ovation. I would have never even thought to suggest she require that no changes and no extras because it would affect her even though she is not privy to those changes before they happen.

"What marriage or family

"What marriage or family therapist would recommend anything but complete and total communication between spouses? Not one worth a shit IMHO. Fire that idiot and find a therapist whose goal is supporting a strong marriage between the spouses who are the clients."

What Rags said.

Quite frankly, your therapist is encouraging a continuing relationship between your H and his ex, outside what is absolutely necessary. He is treating your marriage as an unimportant factor and leaving you waiting in the wings.

Your therapist is shit. I'd find a new one.

You're a STRONG woman, Echo.

Oh yeah, I forgot about the

Oh yeah, I forgot about the husband isn't going to tell me anything. Unless it affects our finances or our schedule.

DH and I talk about everything, he doesn't and has never had, another little life on the side.

Basically the therapist gave

Basically the therapist gave your husband and subsequently BM/SD the A-Okay to ignore your existence in their life together...I couldn't be with a man who had two lives like this. You've just been made into "The Other Woman" by the therapist except everyone knows you're there, well kinda there, because your opinion and voice don't matter. Yeah you should just be single if you're planning on following this idiots advice.

just because a person has

just because a person has lcsw or msw behind his name does not mean he knows everything. your therapist is off his rocker.

dh and i once had therapy with one such idiot and she told me my husband was not abusive that i had better make nice with him or i would lose the man "who loved me." rotfl! i would not have believed it had i not heard it from her lips.

after that i quit going and dh harangued me about having given up on the marriage.

whatever.

Everything everyone is

Everything everyone is saying. You and your DH should communicate and what hereiam said about emotional codependence is spot on.

The therapist is an idiot.

Thanks every one. I keep

Thanks every one. I keep going back and forth but when I sit still long enough to figure out how I feel I realize that I'm the only one who's upset by this situation and I'm only upset when I know what's going on. So for now, just for now, I'm going to take a giant step back and let my husband handle his ex wife. Without my help. Without my involvement. He can handle his daughter pretty much by himself too. I care about her so I'm not going to disappear but I'm certainly not going to do as much for her as I used to. Her dad and mom can do that. I'm going to focus on myself and leave the three of them to figure out this mess. It's not mine to clean up. I think the hardest thing for me to admit is that I'm married to a man who won't put his foot down. With me he can apparently but not with his ex. I don't know what i'm giong to do with that information. For now I'm going to take a bath and read and try to forget about all three of them.

Yeah, the most dangerous

Yeah, the most dangerous thing your dh could just might be to let you "focus on yourself" and have lots of free time to figure out what you think about his "mess." At the end of the 2 months he may find you're not there to talk to at all anymore.

On the one hand that sounds

On the one hand that sounds great because you can do your own thing but I dn't want a wall up between me and my husband. I guess the only way we'll know is if we try this new way of doing things.

I don't really see what the

I don't really see what the therapist is advocating as encouraging an emotional affair, more he is advocating 4ever disengages herself from the situation which is what many step parents on here have done successfully. As long as 4ever trusts her husband to not become emotionally enmeshed or to emotionally enable BM and to minimize disruptions to 4ever's life then it could work.

I don't know if I personally could do it, because I don't want to have an area of life that I can't discuss with my husband and have a wall up in our communication with regards to BM and SD, but I have read on here that many step parents attempt to have that level of disengagement and it works for them.

Yes I think thats what he was

Yes I think thats what he was saying. I do trust my husband not to get 'enmeshed' and not to make decisions that will disrupt my life. But I don't think he can stop enabling his ex and that's what makes me so upset. Therefore I'm disengaging.

That was sort of what I got

That was sort of what I got out of it too; except he's suggesting the husband force the disengagement on his wife. Normally what we see here is the wife voluntarily going down that path herself.

I don't agree with your

I don't agree with your therapist here at all. I'm a psychologist myself and the way I work is to facilitate a discussion whereby the individual or couple are able to themselves advocate for a solution that fits their needs and wants. Not tell them what to do or recommend what * I think is appropriate.
If you are happy to try thing this way and see how you go, good luck to you and I wish you the best but the fact that you are surprised by the advice and seem unsure tells me this may not be what you want.
And really he's basically said you are the only one who is upset so just ignore it. Geez if hubby was having an affair and wanted to continue you'd be the only one upset so would be tell you put your head in the sand then- after all you're the only one upset by it!!

Perhaps your counsellor would be better off helping you and hubby figure out why you're upset by this situation, and help you two understand each other's needs better and work towards a mutually beneficial and satisfying solution.

Therapists aren't all knowing gods and his advice should serve to trigger discussion between you and DH , not just follow him blindly.

just as couples therapy is

just as couples therapy is not recommended in an abusive relationship, regular family counselling is not recommended for stepfamilies.

most family counselors have no clue about stepfamilies.

they think they are just the same as intact families.

find another therapist who understands the dynamics.

Of COURSE you are the one who

Of COURSE you are the one who is upset in the situation. It worked for them before you came around. Now you ARE around and HE MARRIED YOU. That means changes in expectations and boundaries.

You are expected to make 100% of any changes needed in expectations AND boundaries. I think that is crazy and don't understand a therapist saying that either. What a quack!

To me, I might be exaggerating but that is akin to saying "Well, your DH slept with other women before you and that worked just fine. Now that you are married he is STILL sleeping with other women. The only one upset is you. So DH, just don't TELL her that you are screwing around and everything will be fine."

Exactly right. I guess i knew

Exactly right. I guess i knew heading into the session that #1 boundaries have to happen. Either the counselor is going to say that my husband to make boundaries with his ex or those boundaries are going to have to come from me. Because yes it is driving me crazy and yes i"m the only one who's upset. Thank you for explaining why that is! Hah. I never really thought about it that way, of course the three of them aren't upset it worked for them for many years before I came along.

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Wow our counselor advised us to something I didn't expect