When should you expect your kid or stepkid to be responsible?

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My DH and I have been arguing this week in particular because the BM texts or calls screaming at what a horrible dad he is and how SD12 feels he hates her and he doesn't care and he should be at softball games (another post) and on and on and on. The problem with this is, he doesn't get told about the game times or places, so how can he be there? I feel this is SD12 job to tell him. She has a phone that she is on constantly with everyone in the world, she can't take a second to call her dad or text her dad and tell him if it means so much to her for him to be there?

The other argument this week is BM texting and saying "you HAVE to give SD12 $30 for a yearbook, she needs it tomorrow!) Well my own DD13 is at the same school and told me if they didn't order one back in January, then they still can buy one of the extras when they come in, so they have between now and June 12th. We explain that to DH. He still hands over the money without any conversation between him and SD12, SD12 never asked, BM just text and demanded he do it.

My problem is this, I think DH should say to SD12, if you need something from me whether it is money for something or my attention and time or want me to be part of a school thing or whatever the case may be you need to tell me. He hasn't and I don't think he will. It completely pisses me off!

If my DD13 or DD16 want or need something from me or from their dad, they better ask. If they have a sports schedule, they better tell us, not assume we'll show up or assume it is my job to tell their father if they want him there. They are old enough I feel.

SD12 is so babied it's ridiculous. She's going to have her mommy going to college with her when she's 18 at this point. If she can't speak for herself, she should be shit out of luck!

What do you think??

I agree with you--the kid is

I agree with you--the kid is old enough to take care of that kind of business, and lord knows my SD10 is WAY behind in age-appropriate stuff and super coddled. BUT, is it my problem if she never grows into a responsible adult? Nope. She has had events before where she didn't tell her dad in time and he couldn't take off work that last-minute so he missed it. Oh well. If she never learns the lesson that she has to tell him sooner, he will continue to miss stuff, and it's not my problem. So I stay out of it. You might consider, for your sanity's sake, doing the same.

We had a yearbook order form

We had a yearbook order form mailed to us over Christmas, and orders were due in January. I threw it out. SD13 wants to be a boy now and her picture is horrendous, and she keeps whining she has no friends, so......no yearbook needed for an 8th grader. Wait until HS when the "real" memories will be made.

I agree though, and I go through the same thing, it's tough to teach kids to plan ahead. I have a Disney DH who will jump at the last minute, so SD13 is livin' large and it pisses me off. DH will RETURN from the grocery store and it's only then that SD13 will tell him what she needs. I remind her that every weekend DH goes shopping and to tell him BEFORE. She's almost 13, so it's working, I think.

I gave SD13 $10 for a science project and asked her if she took it to class on Thursday. She said she did. The teacher has "Turned in Money" as an item on the online website for assignments, and so far, NOTHING. SD13 better not have used it for lunch money! }:) Being responsible is what I try to teach SD13 all of the time, but she has no common sense and the attention span of a fruit fly, so it's tough. She is 13 going on 7.

~ Moon

If he doesn't have an issue

If he doesn't have an issue with this,and isn't using your money, don't worry about.

The system they have works for them. Your system works for you and your kids.

He doesn't have to do things your way.

We have the opposite problem.

We have the opposite problem. BM doesn't communicate anything to DH directly, but uses the kids. They will come to him and say "I need x, y, or z for school." DH and BM are to split costs. However, BM doesn't follow that part of the CO. This month alone, we are over $200 for school and extracurricular (that were agreed to be split, following the CO). It's been a rough road. DH pays because he doesn't want the kids to miss out. Sometimes, I think it is a bit extreme what they "need" for school, especially because public schools aren't supposed to be able to "require" things for school. My DH prefers to not deal with BM 90% of the time because of her barking.

Either way (my sitch or yours), I agree, there is a problem. BM is part of it, but so is DH. He's chosen to deal with BM's barking, which won't ever quit, passively. She knows if she barks, he will do it. SD may or may not know that this is happening, but she is old enough to have a conversation with regarding communication. If your DH wants the situation to change, he's going to have to change how he deals with both BM and SD.

I, like you, have a harder time staying out of it. I've had tough times with money, I work hard for it, and I don't want someone throwing my money away. I know that if money goes out the door with SD, that's money we will never see again, and that means it has to come from somewhere else in our budget. His actions affect me too. I have tried to explain this nicely, and not so nicely. I think he's starting to understand why I am the way I am based on what has happened the past five months. It takes time to be able to make permanent changes. Don't expect him to to deal with it the way you do (or would). I've learned that the hard way too!

Its nothing to do with age

Its nothing to do with age its skids full stop!
SDstb21 still gets her dad to tell BM she hasnt paid her phone bill!!

I know this answer - skids -

I know this answer - skids - never! SD is STB21 & still isn't to blame for anything - BM taught her well. My bio - always. I let my kid suffer the consequences of his actions - it keeps him on track.

If I had an hour to write the

If I had an hour to write the WHOLE 8-year history, you would completely understand more than I think you do right now. I have a 16DD and 13DD and they do not need me to hold their hands or call their dad or coaches or etc. They know their schedules. Do I choose to double check, yes, but are they my first point of contact to know what is going on with their chosen activities, YES.

The BM chooses, EVERY TIME, to make sure coaches are told to ONLY CONTACT HER (even though kids are with us Tue-Sat). We start a sports season with everyone's information listed and suddenly we seem to drop off the face of the earth after the first practice BM takes a kid to. SD12 knows a couple of days before a game, half the time she knows after a practice we just picked her up at, she can't mention it? More to my point was if SD12 has a "relationship" issue with DH SHE NEEDS TO ADDRESS IT, NOT BM. She's old enough!

The yearbook deal, she knew about since January....JUST LIKE MY DD13, who brought me the form the day she got it!

BM also picks and chooses what she feels is important to text or bitch about. SD12 had blood work for stomach issues and asthma testing done, that DH was NEVER TOLD ABOUT, until the lab bill came. Is he supposed to read minds on that? You don't think BM could have told him about that or SD12 could have mentioned it?

Like I said, there are many, many, many more incidents and issues I could go over and maybe you'd understand. Even 2 bio parents living together can only do so much and eventually a kid needs to take responsibility for their stuff, or what kind of adult are they going to be if they need someone to follow behind them their whole lives?

If you and your DH want to

If you and your DH want to minimize drama, you need to figure out when to go AROUND the BM instead of going through her.

Seriously, you may not see the need to do this or just want to point the finger at BM but after a while, it is on the dad to do the parenting here. Not for BM (or even SD12) to be his secretary.

I'm sure she is a pain in the ass and if the skid wanted dad to be around badly enough, she would remember to tell him. BUT...minimizing ANY contact with BM is the less stressful way.