Seeking help and advice

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Hello all,

I am seeking advice for my situation that is and has been an issue in my household again and again. First lets start with some background information. I am newly (over a year now) married to man who has a daughter (10 yrs) from a previous relationship and I have a daughter (6 yrs) as well from a previous relationship. The issue I am having is not with the other parent, its with his family. I knew of him and was a good friend of his sister before we got together. In the beginning this was not an issue, or so I thought. Now it seems as though my 'friend' turned sister has turned on me. My husband is the youngest of his siblings and the only boy. He allowed his mother and sisters to basically do whatever they wanted when it came to his child prior to getting married. Now I feel as though they don't respect their boundaries and they are still prying into things that occur with his daughter (ex. planned a birthday party without talking to me until I said something, take it upon themselves to "have talks about how the his daughter feels" which have resulted in major issues etc. etc.) I am trying my best to develop a relationship with my step daughter who has conveyed to her aunt, his sister, that she feels like I treat my own daughter better so why can't they just let me be a damn parent. Just yesterday his sister took it upon herself to come over and fix my step daughter's hair for a recital that we just found out about. Can somebody just ask if we need help before doing whatever they want? My mother in law was even going to leave her house to go purchase the necessary clothing for the recital. I am really feeling some kind of way.

When I relayed how I felt to my husband, it turned into an argument and he had a nerve to say that I show favoritism. That really pissed me off!!!!

I told him, as I have told him before that when I vowed to marry him, I vowed to marry him and not his family. I also told him how I felt as though they do what they want to do without consulting us because he allowed this to happen for so long when he lived under their roof.

I now feel like my marriage may soon be in jeopardy. I cannot and will not continue to allow myself to get in a tizzy when these things occur. I have been told by others and a counselor to allow my husband to speak with his family when it comes to things and I speak with mine. This obviously has not occurred effectively.

Whats a girl to do? Please help

Thank you

I am finding your advice

I am finding your advice quite helpful. Especially when you say that my husband needs to divorce his womenfolk. That he does need to do! In hindsight I should've made more of a consideration into discussing boundaries with ALL his womenfolk. Thanks for the advice.

This is the hardest part and

This is the hardest part and I am still learning myself.

I am a step mom, not the mom. My Skids have a mom and even though she is not active in their lives, when she is...it is all about her.

So here is the bottomline....you are married to your husband, not the step daughter or the family. Your intentions are what every single one of us moms strieve for and that is acceptance, balance and being allowed the be the female head of the house. You are the head of the house with your own daughter. You are not and due to your situation never will be with the step daughter. That is the way it us until things changed. You are still new in your roll. Give it time and take the backseat. Let them do for your step daughter, but be prepared to set in. Tell your husband, you are not going to interfer. Live the life with your husband and your daughter. Do not exclude your step daughter as there are plenty of oppertunities for you to be there for her.

Marrying into an already made family is the worest. Time will change some things, others it will not. Try your best to find balance for you.

You're upset because the

You're upset because the responsibility of taking care of the SD has NOT been dumped you???? :?

As long as MIL and SIL aren't being rude or disrespectful to you, why does it matter if they continue to help out with their granddaughter/niece?

If they step back, will dad step up or will you be expected to do all of the mommy stuff? Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

No I'm not upset that the

No I'm not upset that the responsibility had not been dumped on me however in my journey to build a relationship with her, I would appreciate the opportunity to have the child "dumped". If we need help with the kids, we can ask?

I think I'm with Disney on

I think I'm with Disney on this. An aunt helped her niece with her hair. And... you're mad because she didn't ask YOU first. I just... I'm sorry, I just don't AT ALL understand this on a gut level. Is this some sort of a territorial thing? I mean, if she was coming over to do YOUR daughter's hair then I could see your point. As it is though, I think you're making mountains out of molehills.

Now, if your in-laws are saying things to YOU that are rude or mean or indicate you are not part of the family, then THAT needs to be addressed with your DH. But their relationship with their niece/granddaughter is just that - THEIRS.

I have to say, I've had a relationship with my nieces and nephews their whole lives, we're pretty close. And if they got a new stepmom, who'd only been in that role for a year, who tried to set rules for what I could or could not do for them, or tell me that I had to run things by HER first? I would consider that an extremely adversarial action and I'd start to view SM as an "outsider" - it would NOT make me think of her as part of the family.

Read some of dtzyblnd's

Read some of dtzyblnd's posts. She has a DH who at least USED to be a little too close to his sister and mother.

Will do, thank you.

If both your DH, your SD, and

If both your DH, your SD, and all the SIL's are ALL saying you show favoritism to your own daughter, you might want to look at that. Of course you will always love your bio child more than a step child... but the family feeling like you are spurning your SD could be escalating everyone's reactions. Maybe they feel they need to "make up for it".

But typically- if multiple people are saying the same thing, it IS happening, even if you think it isn't.

DH needs to man up and give

DH needs to man up and give his female relatives clarity that his bride is his only priority and comes first as his wife, as a parent to any children in the marital home regardless of kid biology and they need to learn their place.

Day in and day out SMs post

Day in and day out SMs post about being treated like the nanny.

Here is a man who was not out there mommy shopping. Clearly he was looking for a wife and not a mother figure for his child(She already has two of those.).

When did it become a bad thing for a father not to want/expect his wife to play mommy to his kids?:?