My SD was never as bad as that since she didn't live with us, but my DH told me once that I'm the only one who has a problem with her. (He didn't see her biting him at 18 and calling the police on him as poor behavior.)

My SD is now 24 and DH nows sees her as emotionally stunted. Better late than never?

I don't believe they are blind to it and/or 'can't see it'. They see it just fine. It just doesn't bother him the way it does you and many other SM that say basically the same thing on one scenario or another.

IMO I think the only way to curb it is 1)make the father aware that even though it does not bother him that it does bother you. 2)you can not and will not live under these circumstances. 3)Stop harping that he isn't 'parenting'. He is. Just not in a manner that suits you and your standards. If Dad won't ask the kid, do so yourself. If Dad objects do you really want to continue living with Dad?

This is a constant battle in our home too. I become enraged with the excuse, "not everyone lives the way you do", such a cop out. Some will not actually parent because they don't want to anger their kids. Don't they see the harm in that long term? Evidently not.
I've threatened to leave more than once over the issue. Have to become a complete bitch to get the tiniest result.

Cause they don't want to see it affecting them either. My post today is nearly the same theme as yours: http://www.steptalk.org/node/217997

I would not live that way. Sit DH down and tell him you can't take it anymore he can either move out, clean out after them or pay for housekeeping services.

I don't really know what happens, it's like these bioparents just figure if they pretend it doesn't happen then they don't Hanne to put forth the effort to fix it. Because why fix it, when they are just going to go to the other house and do it anyways?

I'm not saying I agree with it, I think you have to work extra hard to get them to "see the light" for them to understand what they ate doing is not OK and is going to effect their future, that's our job as a parent. If dh can make them care about their future, maybe he can make a difference that changes his behavior in both houses.

Disengaged from parenting--yes. Bravo. But I also look at these things from another perspective. You ARE the "lady of the house," and as such you are absolutely allowed to confront people about their habits within your home. Certain rules and expectations are for the comfort of everyone and you are most certainly allowed to regulate those situations--step kid or not.

IMHO these are the exact situations that fall under that requirement.

Lady of the House or just the women who lives there? Here is the issue...it isn't you! It is your husband and his inability to be a parent.

This is NOT going to change. No matter what you do. He has skated by for how many years of this behavior, not you, the BM or God is going to change him unless he decideds too.

I live in a home that is less than my standard of living. I got tired of the battles with my husband and SKIDS. They were raised differently and I can not get the to change or even see the benefits of keeping things clean.

Best advise I have for you, things are not going to change. You have to change how you react to the SS and DH. I appauled those who have made it work and gotten their spouses to change for the good of the family. But, it takes two people to do that, not just one.

I wish you nothing but the best!

I suspect you know this, but you don't have an skid problem - you have a DH problem. Your DH is not respecting YOU, or your marriage.

Forget the kids. Don't mention "SS made this mess" or "SD's stuff is everywhere." Nope, treat all the skids' trash as DH's.

"DH, you left used cotton balls on the vanity. It's gross, please clean that up." (This will likely be followed by, "I didn't do that!" To which you can reply, "Oh. Well I certainly didn't do it, so please take care of it." See how you didn't even mention the kids?)

"DH, I can't walk in the spare room. Please straighten that out." (Him: "It's not MY stuff!" You: "Well it's certainly not mine. Please take care of it or throw it out by the end of the week.")

You are, by implication, telling him that he WILL by god be responsible for keeping your home neat - and if HIS children are making a mess and he won't deal with them, then HE can clean it. As long as your home is clean, who cares? So stop mentioning them at all and treat ALL messes as DH messes. Who knows? He may get so tired of cleaning up after them that he actually (*gasp*) makes them clean up after themselves!

To be fair, "wives" of CPD's have the same problem (well my wife does at any rate).

If my son ever came close to behaving the way your son is, I'd take a sabbatical from work to become his shadow. I'd follow him everywhere. Make him do what he is supposed to do. Ride the bus with him to school, sit in classs next to him, etc. I'd do this until he snaps out of this fugue he is in. If that doesn't work, I'd start talking about military school.

My SS is a lazy carbon-based life form as well (admitedly no where near as bad yours) but if it wasn't for me, I don't think my wife would be riding his ass. Admmitedly she did it at first because she didn't like me getting angry at her piss-poor parenting but with my wife, it is three steps forward, two-steps back. I can't really complain since we are (technically) moving forward.

My only suggestion to you Stormyweather, is to draw a clear line in the sand. The kid is going to be 18 in two years? Tell your husband that unless your SS shapes up and shows that he has some direction in life, that you will not support an adult living in your house who is really just mooching off you guys and causing you stress. I did this with my wife (had to repeat it two times actually) for her to get the picture and forced her to step up and actualy parent her son.

one word: guilt