Second Marriages/Adult Step Children and Inheritance
Just a question? My DH stands to receive a substantial inheritance in the near future as his elderly father is ill. I understand that he is not legally required to "share it with me"...and no doubt will "share" it with his adult children instead. He is currently actively creating things where we are deemed financially separate...even down to having separate health funds. I brought the house and property (on 5 acres) into the marriage. It is still in my name but Ive talked about re negotiating a better mortgage and put him on one day...I refer to everything in the house including cars etc as ours..however he refers to his cars (ute) as his. He has made some substantial renovations to the house to accommodate his kids when they were living with us...now they live with BM (which was the marital home owned by DH and BM and DH ended up giving her everything in lieu of not paying child support). Shes pretty well off now. His kids want for nothing (I believe he is still supporting them financially) but I am independent and paying my way contributing the same as him to an account thats in my name. He doesn't want to open up a joint account....so he said to put it in my account for now.
I do not like the way our marriage is. Its not what I signed for. Im of the opinion souses share everything...no secrets. Part of me thinks its best to have things separate now as it will be easier to divorce him.
Has anyone else had this? Im figuring he is maneuvering things to remain separate so he dosent lose the lot like last time?? But his actions are causing so much resentment in me that he will end up losing me in the end anyway!!! But if raise it, it upsets him. Ibe tried talking about wills and financial planning if one of us dies....but he says "my house" is my kids and he will move out and let my kids move in. I was horrified as I wanted to provide for him and will him the house providing he leaves "my" half to my kids and his half can go to his.
I hate how he is insisting on things operating so separately. I have NO reason he is intending to leave this inheritance to his kids, but based on past behavior, its likely to happen which means we continue to struggle whilst his kids once again get the best and never go without!!
PS I work FT and Im in a professional career.
ts hard to write the essence
ts hard to write the essence of your concerns in a paragraph but essentially I believe in when you are married, there are NO secrets; you are equity life partners, and assets are combined and SHARED. |But is seems that whats mine is ours and what little he has is his as he seems to be maneuvering things to be separate despite me protesting.
As Ive said to him on many occasions .....WHY even bother getting married then? We should be just dating and living in our own places????????
So I dont agree that when I got married, It was about sharing experiences, fun and love; as to me you get that anyway when you feel that sense of commitment, security and partnership.
Perhaps it was for him and Ive been duped as he lead me to feel he felt the same way.
I'm guessing that you didn't
I'm guessing that you didn't sort this out before and get a prenuptial. You could do a postnuptial now and make wills that reflect it.
Pre/post nuptials protect both parties. Your idea of you leaving him assets for him to distribute has lots of pitfalls that need to be considered. Willing you house to him is probably not the best option.
See a lawyer about the laws of your state and what your options are. Go by yourself if DH won't go. You need to know where you legally stand. There are state laws and federal rules to consider.
Not sharing property owned before marriage is often done in second marriages where parties have substantial assets and children of the prior marriage. Property acquired in the current marriage is different.
If you as a couple are struggling financially, you as a couple need to sit down and discuss income and expenses. Each of you should be contributing your share of the expenses.
Given the state of your
Given the state of your marriage, the kind of man your DH is, and the fact you have already separated once, you are the one who should be separating finances. He is probably anticipating a divorce just like you are and is beginning to make plans.
Why in the world do you want to leave him 1/2 of your house with the understanding his half then goes to his kids? What a nightmare for your kids to have to deal with. You have only been married a year and a half. Here in the States he would be entitled to half of the equity that has been earned in the time you have been married. (The improvements might alter that - but since they were made for his kids that might make a difference.)
Quit worrying about the inheritance, you are not going to see any of it. Protect everything else you have and stop worrying about providing for him. See an estate lawyer and get some advice.
I know he has treated you poorly in the past - am I remembering correctly that he was being unfaithful in some way? Start taking care of yourself!
Perhaps you are right...he
Perhaps you are right...he dosent see us lasting so is anticipating a divorce....
Hence my comment about continuing keeping things separate as its in MY best interest anyway. Its not what I signed up for though. I just come from that view on marriage that when married, you share.
No hes never cheated on me.
Sounds like he may be
Sounds like he may be planning on divorcing you after he receives his inheritance. He's gotten what he wanted from you, support, a home for him and his children while he continued to support his kids and possibly BM. exH was so sweet to me up until the moment I was slapped w/divorce papers. I didn't have a clue about what was going on behind the scenes.
Be wary.
Thats the thing...to me
Thats the thing...to me getting married is about pooling resources...sharing lives together....making plans together for the future. Im willing to share everything with him...he on the other hand dosent seem to want to despite me being the one whos brought in the main asset....I didnt want a pre nup. I want to share and live out our lives knowing I have his back and want him to have mine.
And we contribute EQUALLY financially every fortnight. When I say "struggling"....we both pay the same (he earns more than me) but whats left over for me I need to pay for everything else I have in terms of commitments...eg mobile phone, car etc.....it dosnt leave me with much left for myself and i rarely buy new anything.....so I go without. We both go without but his kids never seem to go without and all have fantastic cars (paid for by DH), the middle daughter SD19 has recently bought a block of land (HOW??? She barley works casually although she has that $10K given to her by DH after his court case))....and is now planning to build a home (???) and my eldest SD 21 has recently bought a $50K horse (HOW???????- only $10k from the court case and she bought a horse float with that instead earlier on) and sells everything she gets bought by DH to buy something else...eg she is selling her black VW bought by DH as she has bought herself another black BMW while the VW sits in the front yard at BMs house with a for sale sign on it(HOW acn she buy another car without selling her existing one????????)....and SS17 has recently got a second hand but in very good condition white BMW paid for by DH and BM (a little bit) after all three kids got given them $10K EACH from DH after a court case over a year ago. So SS17 still gets a BMW even though he literally splurged his $10K on boozing and partying over a 6 months period!
Meanwhile, I go without as I cant afford to buy things like clothes and need to save up like normal people and pay my own bills, but his kids are continually awarded things without having to work for it and on occasions DH has paid for SD21's rent (when she wasnt living with BM). They are his kids! I get that. He can do what he likes and I have three adult daughters myself (that I dont support)....but I find how he is willing to support his kids but expect his wife to go without (when his kids dont) dosent seem right. I put my marriage first....above my kids and my love for my husband is different to that of my kids.
Sorry it wont let me edit. We
Sorry it wont let me edit.
We both pay an equal amount per fortnight towards the mortgage and utilities.
Any other bill is considered his (he pays) or mine (I pay)
Whats left over I need to pay for things like clothes and theres often not a lot left
His father is ill and I can see will leave him a considerable inheritance that I dont think my DH will want to share with me and will instead give it to his kids...as legally he can. Me on the other hand would want to share it (if my father died) and would probably pay off the mortgage which will clear that debt and free us having to pay it. Its not that I dont want him to share it with his kids as I know he will probably give them the LOT...but its the thought that he sees me so separately and has been maneuvering things to be separate since we married last year (after I questioned him why he was still paying for SD21's rent despite buying a $50K horse)......he changed passwords on me stopping me access to his accounts and hasnt let me back in since.
He has access to my account (which is the house account we both pay into and its in my name)...
So Im wanting to share but Im sounding money grabby?
OMG now you sound so
OMG now you sound so rude....I DONT spend money on clothes...thats my issue. Im wearing clothes that are over 12 years old! I look after my things.
And Ive known him for over 6 years, married for 1 year and he came into the marriage IN DEBT and I SUPPORTED HIM AND HIS KIDS for a year and yet IM MONEY GRUBBY???
His only assest are his cars and that bloody ute that he WONT SHARE with me (so I can sell my car and clear my car loan)....why have 2 4WDs in the marriage??????
And Ive suggested downsizing and selling MY home and buy a smaller house and have a smaller mortgage....as the current mortgage is large ( I paid out my ex husband)....but DH said no as I have my horse here and is set up for a horse. All Ive wanted is to share and yet Im traeted like Im being money grubbing. What ever happend to the sanctity of marriage and being equioty life partners. PS My DH is BANKRUPT.....but he continues to supprot his kids and not consider the needs of the marriage FIRST.
He shouldnt have married me then. I want a LIFE partner....not just feel like we are still dating and paying half od the dinner bill when it comes around and yet buy his kids a block of land, cars and $50K horses!!! Ive paid for everything myself re assets and can survive without him, but getting married means pooling resources dosent it? Otherwise why get married|?
Is the house account that is
Is the house account that is in your name only just for the house or is it your personal account as well?
You already know there is a reason he doesn't want you knowing anything about his personal accounts. I'm sure it would be interesting to see where some of his money goes.
The house is in my name and
The house is in my name and the house account is for the house expenses only.
The "house account" is also in my name as he dosent want a joint account...he said it was easier this way. I ended up opening up another account where my "surplus" goes into after Ive paid my fortnightly amount....theres been times Ive had 8 cents left in it till pay day!! My DH has access to the house account even though its in my name.
But I no longer have access to his account or his work account as I questioned why he was transferring money to his eldest daughter...as she used to work very PT with him and these amounts for like $400...$1000 etc. He changed the pass word on me claiming the bank said he had to for privacy protection. I call bull shit. He doesn't want me to see what he is spending his money on. He also has promised me that I will be director of his company (so i should have access then) as his eldest daughter is director and Ive always found thats not her role but it should be mine...he is yet to follow through with his promise.
I dont think I will ever know where his money goes....I bet his is hiding it hence trying to set things up to be separate so I cant question. This has been going on since we got married (as before hand it was separate but I figured we weren't married then so it didnt matter).
NOTE: all three kids have the
NOTE: all three kids have the best of clothes (latest named brands), expensive surf boards and overseas trips and SD21 has so many saddles, horse blankets and equipment worth umpteen thousands of dollars....and she only works PT...and SS17 dosent go to school...he is doing an online course paid for by DH and BM (hes been diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder after trying to commit suicide...thats another story).
Im not stupid. DH must be buying these things for them....but wont put me on his health fund so we are at a "family" rate so I can do away with my "single" cover for my health fund. And I still continue to pay for my car loan as I cant sell my 4WD and use his Ute as he said no (so he can allow SD21 to use it).....
Arent I the wife? Shouldn't I come first?
Of course you should come
Of course you should come first. But what is clear is he doesn't feel that way. He does not have the same view of marriage as you do and never will. It also sounds like he might be making more money than you think he is.
I see no reason why he wouldn't put you on his health insurance plan. It seems just one more thing that he wants to keep completely separate.
Thank you
Thank you Notsurehow........Ive read a few posts from that rude poster earlier and it seems she is more determined to stir the pot than to help.
and I agree...it seems my Dh and I have two different views of marriage and how we want it to work...in my defense...Ive ALWAYS been upfront with what I want and need (honesty, transparency etc) and he has tried occasions to be transparent (access to his accounts) but then takes it away after I questioned him.
So now I truly dont trust him, nor is he acting with transparency.
Tomorrow try reading your
Tomorrow try reading your posts again as if they were written by someone else. You will see a pattern - you say what you want in a marriage, then you tell how he is not doing it. This repeats over and over.
I agree with you on what you expect out of a marriage - a true partnership. It is unfortunate that your DH does not want that. From what you say, I don't think he ever will. I don't see him ever meeting some of your basic needs in the relationship. It seems he is getting worse rather than better.
He seems to keep a lot of secrets. That would be a deal breaker for me. You need to figure out how important it is to you and then take steps to either accept it or get out. Talking to him about it does not seem to be getting you anywhere.
Yes Yes Yes...that is me.. he
Yes Yes Yes...that is me.. he did move out as it was my hill to die on....he supported SD21 (lies) over his own wife...he didnt WANT to even see proof (i had a text to show him which proves I wasnt "harassing" her like she claimed...but he didnt want to see it and instead sided with her).
"It sounds like you want to keep your lifestyle, but struggle financially to do that. You were hoping that your DH, being that he seems to have plenty of extra cash to spare, would help you out more with household and personal expenses. He isn't doing that which, to me, shows where his love and loyalty lies, and it isn't with you. He's content to watch you struggle while simultaneously watching his kids soar. I would bet dollars to donuts that he's giving his kids MUCH more than you even realize."
Yes to this is exactly how Im feeling.....and if I try and raise it, it makes me sound petty and jealous so I say nothing and Im tring to work out what to do next as discussing things with him dosnt change a thing as he continues to do/act how he wants.
We reunited after suggesting many things which included the house account and both of us contribute the same to it. He also suggested a LOT MORE in terms of being a team...and it hasnt eventuated one of which includes selling his cars and paying off the car loan and he can use "my" 4WD....and me being the director of his business as his eldest daughetr is that (and has been from the beginning so seeing our sour background re his daughter...I PAINS me she still is the director of my husbands company when that should be my role). So he is reneging on his original "suggestions" so now I no longer believe in his words as his actions tell me different.
I mentioned about him earning more and apparently thats not included. He does do renos on the house but all that does now in my mind is make him able to claim ownership on it if we divorce despite his name not being on the deed. I dont want to divorce but want a team approach in a marriage.
I know I sound like Ive lost all trust of him and I have. I have been emotionally pulling away from him since the last ute episode and just lately, after we were having discussions about me wanting to pursue a career change which meant I wont have the $$ coming in to cover expenses or to put into the house account on a fortnightly basis like I do now...but I had to PRY it out of him that I was after him to back me financially and was looking for his support....and I used the co mingling of our health funds and having one 4WD drive as examples for him to start the process of having my back financially....but it never got done and I have said to him that I will remain in my job as I dont feel secure risking not having a regualr wage coming in (as his actions werent meeting his words).... and yet he pays for his kids rent and mobile phone plans and I bet hes given his SD19 $5,000 towards a block a land. No proof....but his body language told me he had.
So I remain independent and look after myself and cover my own expenses as I dont feel confident he has my back (despite him saying he has as hes proven to me he hasnt and dosetn follow through)...
Im losing respect for him!
You are right...hence
You are right...hence distancing myself lately whilst I work out what to do.
Thanks threekids..what you
Thanks threekids..what you said makes sense and may give me peace....I AM jealous of the automatic support he provides for his "kids" and I foresee this will never end...I mean why should it? They are trained by DH to be supported my him...and I am seen as a threat to their gravy train (hence my SD21 being so manipulative)
I have distanced myself from him and arent all goo-ey and lovey dovey like I am previously as I find I just cant as my respect for him has dwindled dramatically.
I feel duped in fact and his suggestions before (to get me to come back) were just empty promises as he has NO intentions of following through with them. He LIKES things the way they are as he gets to do what he wants when he wants and is still seen to be contributing....
Not one thing has been purchased by US TOGETHER...its either Ive bought it or hes bought it. not even a dinner set.
And I do work FT...and have minimal spare time to get another PT job on top that would get eaten up alive by having to pay more TAX. Nope...I just will continue looking after myself and looking after him like I do at home (cooking cleaning, sex, company). He is good company and fun to be with...so that will do at the moment as he isnt husband material.
Exactly...this to me is a
Exactly...this to me is a "normal" marital expectation.
How can a wife or husband have a HUGE retirement fund or receive an inheritance and sit by and watch the partner stay behind whilst they go on expensive vacations with their kids?
This woman loves her husband
This woman loves her husband and believes in the traditional marriage. The wife, no matter 1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc., should come first. It sounds like her husband has what I call the "guilty parent syndrome". He blames himself for his children living in a "broken" family and is now showering them with gifts to make up for it. He doesn't want his wife to find out so he keeps everything separate.
I don't feel she is asking for anything she doesn't deserve. She has every right as his wife to know about her husband's finances and where the money is going. If you are married, you should know more about that person's finances than anyone else. She doesn't have a problem making her finances an open book, so obviously he has something to hide if he doesn't do the same.
I trusted my husband with the finances and it was a big mistake. I didn't know that we were in debt before he passed away. If something happens to her husband, how is she going to access his accounts?
It seems to me that she treated his children well but he is the one creating the problems. I feel all the problems in our society today started when the traditional marriage became a thing of the past. It doesn't seem like this guy has any respect for his wife and she should kick him out of her house.
Thank you Gravity.. I really
Thank you Gravity.. I really appreciate your support as you nailed how I feel.
Its a possibility...as this
Its a possibility...as this was his approach with his first wife. I was witness to how he signs away his assets to his kids (puts his cars etc in their name)...its highly likely. I have NO way to know if he is now. Im not privy to his accounts anymore.
My DH does seem happy but like most men, they are clueless about women and because he dosent like me raising issues with him to talk about, Ive shut down and wont share how I feel.Its not worth him getting angry at me because of how I feel. So i pull away. Its not healthy I know....but Ive tried everything else and he still goes about doing what he wants.
Look...on paper he looks like he does a lot for the house, but not once have WE made a decision about it. He has excellent ideas and because he can do them and he pays for them himself, I think its great that he can do so much re renos but I wish he would FINISH a project first BEFORE starting a new one. If I was to suggest this....whooooo....the angry man will fly!
We have NOT bought ONE thing together in all the years weve been together! I suggested selling "my" place purely so we could buy something together!!! So its OURS......and I suggested selling both his ute and my 4WD landcrusier and BUY ONE TOGETHER....but nope...and I BET its because he wants his daughter to use it as she has horses and needs a 4WD (no doubt he will end up buying her one himself one day!!)
So by keeping things separate...he can do what he likes with it without having to compromise or discuss needs together as a couple. To me its a control thing.
Are you and your DH able to
Are you and your DH able to sit down and discuss paying the home off and adding his name to it at thay time? From what I read here, his Father is still living.
I would not worry or discuss these $$$$ issues now. I would just keep everything on track and begin putting some joint issues slowly together for the two of you. Maybe work at this $$$$ issue a step at a time to get it back on track as joint ventures.
It isn't easy to talk about $$$$; maybe you can begin by discussing the fact that you were taken off his account and you would rather everything be joint and put together, with joint supervision. Of course, you are not going to be able to dictate about his spending on his kids; unless it is making things financially short for the two of you.
Our checkbook lies on the desk, where we both can view it or audit it at any time. There are no secrets about our $$$$'s. My DH is very $$$ oriented, I am not, nor am I a shopper. My DH sees all the bills and all the bank statements. So everything is out in the open. He doesn't really like everything joint; I know he would rather be in complete control of the $$$$. We have separate retirement incomes, but we have always combined our resources and have a comfortable life; with that said, I insist everything concerning our $$$$, property, etc. stay on track and joint. He has abided by that, but I know he wants to be in complete control; it won't happen.
It is a delicate issue with us also. I try to stay calm and handle issues as they arise.
If I were you, my advice is, I wouldn't spend $$$ that isn't actually there and try to fix what is there with your DH.
Yeah....Im so
Yeah....Im so controlling......by merely asking him why he is continually paying for his adult daughters rent despite her having the money to buy a $50K horse.....yeah Im a real bitch!
His answer....remove my access and lie about it.
We are such a team! Not!
Id hate to be married to you!
You have been married a short
You have been married a short time, have already separated once, and you don't trust him.
The two of you do not have the same views on marriage and he is more dedicated to supporting his kids, even if they are adults, than he is with building a life and a partnership with you.
Honey, he ain't the one.
Unfortunately you can't
Unfortunately you can't change who this guy is or even change his views. I have learned throughout the years that people don't change, so you can either accept who they are or extricate them from your life.
I understand where you are coming from in that you want a fully invested partner. I have things in my marriage that are non- negotiable. We have complete transparency, no opposite sex friends, and we work to keep our partnership strong. We have gone to counseling and have firm boundaries in place.
With that said, it took a lot to get to that place. I had to learn to take care and love myself first and foremost. I had two feet out the door, prepared, had a plan to leave. My husbands needs were no longer my concern. It was when I was truly content to take care of me first, that he saw that I wasn't trying to control him or change him. It was about me and what I wanted for my life. If he wanted to be with me then he needed to work with me and not against me.
What I am saying is that you need to worry about you. You need to protect yourself and your assets. You do not need to will him anything. You need to be okay with walking away if it isn't the marriage partnership that will make you happy in your life. If he doesn't want to change the dynamics to make you happy, then you need to decide if you are okay with the uneven love and relationship dynamics or if you are happier living a resentment free life.
This is were Im at now!
This is were Im at now!
Thank you for your understanding Snowflake as its hard to reconcile.
I mentioned adding his name
I mentioned adding his name to the mortgage and meant both...mortgage and deed..
Thats what married couples do. They share.
Wow....your reply was actually nasty. I hope that makes you feel better.
You should probably check
You should probably check into your local laws regarding your home. If your DH is contributing 50% of the mortgage costs every month, there may be some chance that he would have some claim over it. ESPECIALLY since you said he did some major renovation to the property . He has money in it now too. You are quite likely to end up with nothing.
BTW, I caught through all this that you have a horse too. I know that they aren't cheap either so could that be contributing to your financial issues (not sure if you pay training, showing etc..)
Yes...I compete on my horse
Yes...I compete on my horse and have to cover the expenses for that. I do this and dont expect him to assist, nor has he assisted me. Hence I have little left over for incidentals. My SD21 has purchased a horse worth $50k on a PT wage!!! work that out and yet I cover myself and Im seen by some posters here as being unreasonable. She has so many saddles and will get a new saddle and new equipment everytime she gets a new horse. I still have my old saddle from over 11 years and its a 20 year old saddle. I work FT and barely cover my expenses...my SD21 works PT and yet has the money to cover extraordinary expenses.
When I wasnt with him I went without so the mortgage was covered and I couldnt compete on my horse (couldnt afford to shoe it etc) My SD21 never seems to go without because she can (somehow).
Yes, perhaps I am jealous of SD21....but I believed my husband when he gave away the $30K ($10K each) to his kids after the court case and announced that from now on what ever we make and earn together is ours (as a sweetener as I was hoping he would use that money to pay his HUGE lawyer bill as Ive been supporting them all living in my house for nearly a year).....I believed him then. Now I dont as he still continues to put the wants of his kids first and I bring that up but it dosent seem to matter.
Ive always wanted to share with him...but I see he hides things from me as he knows I wouldnt approve of us going without whilst he gives his daughter $5000 for a block of land. I see why he hides it from me as It upsets me. We could use that money ourselves around the home or to pay off other bills.
He dosent contribute 50% to the running of the house....we contribute the SAME amount fortnightly which covers the mortgage and helps pay the HOUSE bills.....so he pays for his kids mobile plans and internet etc and I pay mine. But we are supposed to me married. I want us to pool everything and pay for what we need....but Im guess he wants to keep it separate so he can continue to pay for his kids WANTS and not tell me but on the same breath talks about respect and working as a team. Words are cheap my friend.
Even first marriages come
Even first marriages come with this kind of baggage.
I am on the other side of this. I came in with a lot of assets (3 houses) and they are all in my name--his will never be on them. This was discussed BEFORE marriage though. We don't believe in sharing all the assets because it's dangerous when you have children/outside influences separate from the marriage. If he did not have another kid, I would have had everything shared with him.
If I were to die, everything goes to our mutual children together (in their names) while he gets to live in there until he dies if he wants to. This is to prevent the possibility that my assets go to his other child (and subsequently BM) given that they were inheritances from my parents. If he were to die, anything he has (which is just his savings account as he has no physical assets) is split between our children together and his.
I'm sorry, in marriages with children not of both partners, it's safer even if it feels less fair. He loves his kids as much as you love yours, if you thought it was going to take away from yours, no matter how skewed that thought might be because they are very well off, you would want it separate too.
I mentioned to him that I
I mentioned to him that I want to leave the house to him (if I die first) and upon his death, he will need to make sure my half goes to my 3 girls and his half goes to his kids when he dies.
I dont see the issue. If DH and I have lived all our lives in that house irrespective of who owned it first.....its OURS and my half goes to him upon my death and ALL I ASK is that he makes sure that my three get my half when he carks it off this mortal earth. Sure he could go against my wishes and leave everything to his kids and leave mine out!!! But Im trusting him (when I said it to him before)...that he will honor my wishes.
Besides, my ex H (refuses to re marry) is sort of wealthy and will be leaving everything he has to our girls. they wont go without.
His answer: he will move out as soon as I die as its my house.....I was mortified. I want to provide him a financial buffer especially if he is elderly...I love him...why on earth would I want him to MOVE OUT.....its HIS house too...but even in this scenario he is insisting on having things separately.
It dosent make sense and its unsettling.
Stormy, I hate to be harsh,
Stormy, I hate to be harsh, but just how naive are you? Your plan is to to leave him the house and tell him to leave half to your kids when he dies? He has no incentive to do that. The house will be his, he can do what he wants with it. He can sell it and take the money and not leave anything to any of the kids.
If you really want half to go to your kids on his death, then you need a will and a trust. Personally I think you are doing nothing but leaving your kids a big mess. They will own half a house with your step kids and it will not go smoothly when it comes time to sell it.
He has told you what he wants to do if you die - which is to move out. Take him at his word. Get a will and a trust and leave the house to your kids.
He is telling you what he wants in the marriage. From what you have said he has no intention of compromising on any of it. Listen to him, he is telling you everything you need to know. You want everything as "ours" and he wants everything as "hers" and "his."
I don't have any answers for
I don't have any answers for you but I totally get where you're coming from - you want him to have the same views on this as yourself because like you say, what's the point of being married when it's all his and hers. I get it and that bothers me too. It's tough when your spouse seems to not value you equally - well, that's how I've felt with mine when it's come to finances and such - it's a let down and like you said, unsettling.
I have more assets than my
I have more assets than my DH. I am happy to share with him, but I am NOT willing to share with his disgusting worthless POS spawn.
As I am almost a decade older than DH I want to make sure that he is okay if I predecease him. But NOTHING can be inherited by him to then be passed on to SS30 or his spawn. Or before SS30's spawn arrived anything he inherited would have gone to BM. As SS30 is a severe alcoholic he will not make old bones.
In my age bracket a rigorous will and trust is far more important than a pre or post nup.
I always intended to leave the bulk of my estate to my undergrad alma mater. My college was the women's college of a very well known university. It has now been eliminated and made an "institute" of the university so I no longer choose to leave them my money.
My grad school (MBA) has more money than God - so I don't want to leave them my money. I'm leaving it to a pet organization.
Good for you!
Good for you!
When I married DH, I brought
When I married DH, I brought a house and property into our marriage; he brought debts and SD. At first our accounts were joint and that was a huge mistake. He spent uncontrollably and was the typical Disney Dad. SD was a mini wife deluxe and between the 2 of them, our marriage almost died.
I now firmly believe in separate accounts now especially if the marriage is iffy. I think if divorce is a strong possibility, then you should be doing everything in your power to make sure your accounts, properties, and assets are protected as much as possible.