Need effective discipline ideas! Help!!!
So for the past few years, SS12 has noticed his mother has a weird twitch, and that she remembers things wrong, has an inconsolable temper and is now convinced she is a paranoid schizophrenic. (Actually, the family therapist pointed us towards borderline personality disorder, similar traits, very different causes) And because of this, mixed with his now raging hormones, he has taken to beating up his younger brothers at her house, and verbally abusing her. So she has begged DH to take him on her days (50/50 custody) and later accusing DH of manipulating the situation. So Thursday, SS12 refused to go to school. DH suffers a chronic, pain ridden disease, and has a lot of difficulty getting up in the morning, let alone forcing his son to. So I get him up and tell him he's going to school. DH backs me up, and the whole thing blows up in our face. SS12 claims he's too "stressed" about his mom (who he doesn't have to see indefinitely) which I pointed out is not a viable excuse, which infuriated him more, and kept telling me to get out of his room.
I told him I had cleaning to do, so I might as well start in his room, but I wasn't going anywhere. He told me he'd call the police. I told him to go right ahead. Then he looked at his dad and said "Do you see what your bitch is doing?" DH slapped him and screamed at him on that one. I left and called the police myself. They came over and got him to go to school. BM had a field day with this, saying we can't take care of him. So DH responded, good, so on your days, you take him. And sure enough, here we are, Saturday morning and SS12 is right next door. BM said she just can't have him in the house because he's a danger to the other kids and her. I told DH to make it clear he's taking SS12 as per HER wishes, NOT SS12's, and that this is NOT something we WANT. It's difficult to communicate with her anyway, but I think the point was made.
So here's my question: What do we do with this hormonal ball of rage? Forcing us to call the police merits MASSIVE grounding, and he knows it. But he'll also be content to just sleep on his floor in his room all weekend. I'm up at 6:00, DH won't be up for another few hours because of his disease. Personally, I'd love to military school his ass (something BM suggested). Any ideas as to what we can do? We've already taken everything away, and he still refuses to apologize for his actions, like he's entitled an apology himself. (When asked what for, he can't muster up anything worthy...like making him go to school.)
Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks!!
Oh I should mention, his
Oh I should mention, his behavior at his mom's is specifically so he can get back in our house, he only wants to be here, I guess it is pretty bad over there.
um Im gonna suggest that the
um Im gonna suggest that the BM is on meth drugs, thats causes a twitch, maybe research that.
You seem to caught up in a situation that the BM is useless to parent manually and the BF is incapable physically.
You are going to have to take the entire responsibility. how are you going to do this?
Its pretty bad
So, I'm putting a contract in
So, I'm putting a contract in his room. The police told us (and him separately) on Thursday that if his parents need to use physical force to get him to do something, we are well within our legal rights to do so. He's not legally supposed to be here, so we'll bring him back to his mom's if he refuses to play by our rules. And I think that is the bottom line here. How's this?
Today is Saturday June 6, 2015
Conditions for SS12 to be allowed to stay at (address of our house) today:
1. Wake up time is 8:00 am
2. You will shower and wash your hair.
(Or it will be buzzed off if you continue to refuse to take care of it)
3. You will use soap and deodorant, not body spray
4. You will put on appropriate, clean clothes. It is 71 degrees today, pants and short-sleeve shirt is appropriate {he has taken to dressing like an eskimo on super hot days, and wears the same clothes for almost a week at a time}
5. You Will make your own cereal, eat and clean up after yourself
6. You will fold and put away all of your clean clothes from your hamper.
7. You will sort, neatly put away or throw away everything in the three boxes in your closet. Just leaving things out so it is messy is unacceptable. If you can’t find a home for something, get rid of it. Anything left in these boxes as of Monday night will be thrown away.
8. You need to write three heartfelt apologies to your mother, father and step-mother for your recent actions. If it is illegible, it will not be accepted. If any letter is under 10 sentences they will not be accepted.
9. You need to wait patiently for any other chores your father requests of you.
10. Bed time is 10:00pm
11. If you are belligerent, disrespectful, use foul language or break any of the rules we set earlier this week, you will be sent back to your mom’s house.
You need to get him out of
You need to get him out of your home. Easier said than done. Even 50/50 would be easier, esp since BF has a rough go of it and you aren't SS12's parent. This skid is going to have an attitude NO MATTER WHAT. I have a YSD who was a sweet SD12 this time last year, and now at 13 she is a mini-bitch like her sister.
If SS12 is harming the younger kids at BM's and is being an asshat no matter where he is, he needs the fear of God put in him. It sounds like you have something going for you. Your DH agrees that SS12 is a problem (I have a Disney DH so no luck in MY home...). I would go the boarding/military school route. Is CS involved? Can that be used to pay for military school? If CS is going to BM can she pay for it out of that and throw some of her own money in? I have no idea about all of the CS BS as I was never around that situation very often. I guess it might require another visit to court?
SS12 needs a more stable environment, not just bouncing between houses being an ass. Military school may be your best bet. }:)
~ Moon
He's not going to sign and/or
He's not going to sign and/or agree to that contract. So you send him back to BM's? What then? He'll just go over there and beat up his younger siblings and probably BM too.
This kid is out of control. Is he doing drugs? How often is he seeing the family therapist? Unless this kid has some kind of mental disorder where a stay for e-val in a psych ward may be necessary my opinion is an afternoon down in the juvie wing of the police station might be in order. He's not afraid of Dad/you or BM. He's not afraid of you calling the police to the door. Routine discipline and taking/grounding him from things is meaningless to him....how about being driven away by the police car? You can't beat on this kid (regardless of what the policeman said) as CPS will be knocking on your door. you know if it gets physical it'll be you handing it out and/or trying to physically control/defend yourself with SS as your DH is physically not able.
This kid could end up getting you in trouble or if sent to BM seriously injure his little siblings. IMO it's time for the 'big badass' (as he sees himself) gets reality of what happens to little punks who have no use for his parents. The kid can go through the system.
Good on you for wanting to
Good on you for wanting to deal with this situation, but the bottom line is if neither his mother or his father are physically or mentally capable of looking after him, then he should be in care, or living with an extended biological family member like a grandparent.
If he were not abusively
If he were not abusively volatile and violent I would say sentences would be effective. 10's of thousands of them, all in perfect handwriting, perfect spelling, perfect punctuation at a pace of 140-180 per hour, hour in and hour out, when he is not at school he is in an isolated room in a very uncomfortable antique wooden writing desk with nothing but a #2 pencil and a big chief writing tablet. Once missed hourly quota and he starts over, one messy letter h starts over, one misspelling he starts over, one missed punctuation mark he starts over.
Since he is so volatile and abusive I would add a belt to his bare ass each and every time he so much as speaks or interfaces with anyone in the family in any way but respectfully. Light his bare ass up.
I would.
To escalate the misery of his nonconformance I would find a weekend and all summer boarding style juvenile boot camp that has big slobbering DI types in his face, climbing his ass, ridding him like a worn out pack mule until he comes home in a state of blathering whining tears each and every visit he is allowed.
Get his some counseling also. His crap needs to be confronted on all fronts. IMHO.
Good for your DH for giving that kid what he has earned as far as consequences for his actions. Now .... make that little shit really miserable until he makes the choice to modify his behavior.
Sooner rather than later if
Sooner rather than later if notable and completely unpleasant mitigation is not applied and soon.
Sorry ~ my chin is still
Sorry ~ my chin is still hanging ~ you called the cops cause he wouldn't go to school ???
Police are not there to parent the kid ~ my Dad was a cop.
Oh little shithead won't go to school can you send an officer over ! Good use of your towns tax dollars ~ if it got that bad for me even suggesting to call the cops ~ one way trip to military school.