I HATE MY HOUSE (HIS HOUSE?)
UGH. One of the biggest arguments we have is truly over decorating and the "house." He did not live here with his ex-wife, but did live here with a subsequent girlfriend. They looked together and he purchased it and they lived here with her daughter and his kids. I hate the lay out. I am used to different style of home, that has been redone and when I moved in i basically had to give all my stuff away and fight tooth and nail for what few things I did bring. We argue constantly about the house decor and anything i say about it sets him off and he gets so offended. It is so frustrating when I feel like I had to fight my way in, i just slotted in where the ex girlfriend was and now I'm home full time and I actually really enjoy thinking about decorating and home decor and it is just a battle. He doesn't understand why I feel this way. It is so unwelcoming. And I'm resentful and every time he pushes back i just remember how it was when I moved in. There were red flags that I did not listen to and I'm regretting it now.
UGH.
I'd move if I were you.
I'd move if I were you. Sounds like he's hanging on to something. It also sounds like he wants you to remember that this is HIS house.
Women SHOULD be in charge of
Women SHOULD be in charge of household decor and decorating unless they defer to the DH. This guy is way too controlling. If he is this controlling over DECORATIONS, what else will he throw a hissy fit about??
I agree!!! My SO could care
I agree!!! My SO could care less about decor. It's my SD14 who thinks she should decorate the house in whatever way she sees fit (which is very much shabby & very little chic). Either way, fighting this battle with the long time residents of the home sucks because they believe they have more of a right than you do, as the lady of the house. I'd explore moving. But if it's not an option, just start doing it, your way. It's your home too. Don't ask for permission. Once the paint is on the wall it's too late to turn back!
> I actually really enjoy
> I actually really enjoy thinking about decorating and home decor and it is just a battle<
Warning. Stupid man trick coming up.
My wife enjoys doing this too. Every free time she has is devoted to coming up with new home decor ideas. She has a good eye for it, I'll give her that, but each and every time she talks to me about some new home reno project, I tune out.
I. Am. SOOOOOOOO....sick of it!
Whereas she sees the joy in doing this, the only thing I see is more money I gotta spend and yet another weekend being treated like a glorified lifting crane with tools attached. I've had to decline invites from friends and family because my weekends are booked solid. What was supposed to take just a weekend or two, has turned into 4 months of back-breaking work.
Home renovation projects shouldn't take a lot of time and effort, but A) I am not a professional and
Scope creep is a constant problem. That's the main problem I have that my wife just doesn't understand. The sheer scope of the work involved is huge and I just don't like having ALL my weekends bogged down in home renovation projects. I like to have my weekends to myself because if I return to work the following week tired from all the work I did on the weekend, I am a stressed-out impatient asshole! So I am wondering if that is the case with your DH? I am not defending him or anything, but he probably spent a lot of time decorating/renovating the house with his former girlfriend and now that he has to redo it all again he feels it is too much?
Anyways, I do hope you guys can come to some kind of compromise.
This was the topic of the
This was the topic of the first post of yours I ever read. My mother has FOREVER treated my dad the same way with "projects" and would even, "loan him out" occasionally, as well as my BIL. Sorry you gotta deal with this, I would surely not be able to handle it. Watching my mom treat my dad like a fucking pack mule really showed me that is NOT how to treat your mate. Good luck, Lok-tar Ogar!
Heh! Thanks! I hope I am not
Heh! Thanks!
I hope I am not giving the wrong impression here. DW doesn't treat me like a slave. She just thinks I am as "excited" about these projects as she is.
To give you an idea, I remember collapsing on my deck after a gruelling 6 hours in the blazing sun working on the re-tiling the roof. I cracked open a beer and it went down faster than lightning.
DW joins me, cracks open a beer too and starts blabbering to me about the "next project".
I looked at her and said. "Can you at least let me sit back and relax from finishing the last project before talking to me about the new one!?!?". DW acted like I just slapped her. She truly didn't understand WHY I didn't want to hear about the next "exciting" project she had in mind.
I for one, very much
I for one, very much appreciate the mans perspective here! This helps me understand all those "tuned out" conversations! Thanks Drac0! You da' man!
I appreciate the male
I appreciate the male perspective as well. I think men/women just have different things that they are ok spending money on and they don't always line up. That said, i found it really really hurtful that we didn't blend our stuff at the beginning and that he really just made it so damn difficult for me to move in. I don't remember it with love and joy and fun- i remember it with a huge fight in the front yard and me thinking what the hell am i doing but doing it anyway.
And from his perspective he would say- we fixed the master bath (needed it, was really gross and I was the excuse, he had wanted to do it for himself anyways), we painted the walls (we did, great!!) and did a remodel for the back for our daughter (again had to do that or try to move which god forbid we move)...so to me those things weren't done for me. we still have his sofa, his dining table, his dining chairs, his buffet, and most other larger pieces (desk, media cabinet, entry table) are HIS. It is not a blend. We have, together, purchased 1 table and 1 loveseat. And they had to match the existing. He just doesn't get how hurtful this is. I am really on the edge here and not in a good way. I don't want this to end b/c aside from his ex wife's legal issues this house/decorating are the ONLY things we fight about!!!! But they seem pretty damn major!
> I am really on the edge
> I am really on the edge here and not in a good way<
I am on edge too but at the other end if you know what I mean. It is 4:30pm on a Friday. Quitting time is in half an hour and I don't want to go home. Why am I feeling this way? It isn't right. Most people here are looking forward to the weekend and I'm not.
And it has NOTHING to do with not wanting to be with my wife. I love her to pieces but I just want my moment to just sit in the hammock for half an hour and do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING....
But I know, that if I do that, DW is going to get agitated.
I should be thanking you for this post because I feel like I am unloading here when it really isn't my place to do so.
My ex husband thought he was
My ex husband thought he was related to Martha Fing Stewart, it was awful. I was like dude back the hell off and let me do what I do. It was so weird. I even had to show him our comforters before I bought them to make sure they were okay. I don't ask anymore, just do what I want. He needs to back off if you feel this strongly about it, I understand how you feel because I love living in a warmly decorated home. If he doesn't back off and you can't stand it then you have to decide what you will live with and won't live with.
I won't live like that anymore- his (exh) ass was kicked to the curb. By no means over decorating the home but nonetheless he is gone.
I would not have moved in and
I would not have moved in and would now move out.
You need to sit down and
You need to sit down and calmly discuss with him that right now you feel like you don't belong in this house, that it feels like you are a visitor in your own home. Talk about some minor/cheap things you can do that would make you feel like you are part of the family and welcome. If he is still resistant, then shut the door on the relationship and move on.
I sold my beautiful house to
I sold my beautiful house to move into exes fixer upper and regretted it. It was a bad move financially and was so hard because I had built my house and it looked like something from a magazine. So I feel your pain.
It is interesting because I am renting a small townhome and my BF owns a huge house in the country that is his palace
( to him) It is a nice place, but needs some sprucing up. His mom makes comments all the time about me liking the place or girling it up. If we were ever to proceed to the next level I know BS and I would need to move there. It would make the most sense. But to be honest my plan is to keep saving and get my own townhome because I love being the queen of my own castle :)and I also feel like that is what is best for my child.
YES. My home that we use as
YES. My home that we use as our rental was ADORABLE. His house is NOT my style and a lot of half finished projects. We re-did the master bath (he knew I would not move in if not b/c it was not inhabitable-I see why the GF moved out, she couldn't afford to do anything and since they weren't married it was "his house" and she ewas benefitting BIG time from a better school district and she benefitted financially as well.
That said, to piecemeal and sell or give away all of the things that I had recovered (thousands down the tube) to move in to this house where things really need to be replaced kills/killed me. I really don't know how to discuss it b/c everything turns into world war three. I really don't kno why. It seems inhospitable and hurtful.
I saw signs. I proceeded. It was a mistake. We have a daughter. I really want to work this out.
I hired a decorator b/c I think that is the only way we can come together and we just need to decide a budget and try to proceed. He is SO resistant. It is really frustrating. >I take care of his children (and did before we married) and just hate where I live. I'm fine that we can't move. We are in a great area and the house has great potential-if he would just let me add my touch. It causes HUGE fights. It is absurd. We've been to counseling. He said he understood then we leave and it is like world war 3. I think that basically he sees $$ when we talk about it and I think since I am home he is feeling immense pressure. I felt that he really wanted me to stay home and I did as well, but not if it meant this level of tension about something that I should just be able to do. I'ms cared to buy a lamp for our desk b/c I think he'll wig out. It isn't healthy, it isn't normal and I acknowledge that.
I just think though, like anything, it is about something bigger. And I think that he is just fine to pay for a boat we don't use and other things-but this is just not a priority. sigh.
Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove
I wouldnt have moved in. One
I wouldnt have moved in.
One stipulation i have always had is when we move intogether we both find a house and move intogether at the same time. We did this and it was fine. I then moved out and SO has moved some where else. His house i have no say
However in couple of years we are going to try again as Sd18 will have finished her education and if she doesnt like living with me she can then move out... job or no job. But SO will be moving again inyo a house we have bith chosen and one which neither has lived in before so we can make fresh memories.
Having a space together is
Having a space together is important. To have it, you have to make it together, not just have someone move in and resume a space.
My first DH died. We live in the home we bought years ago. I have tried to make DH comfortable and he is super easy and understanding. If we could move and make a new space "ours", we would. Circumstances don't allow that so DH has chosen new bedroom furniture, (I redid decor after first DH died). We picked out furnishings for the living areas and office together. Even DD has redone her room. I even let him pick out some new kitchen appliances (I do most of the cooking ).
I'm saying all this because creating an "our space " is so important. Can you to get a home together?
We have hired a decorator to
We have hired a decorator to come in September. Part of it is just that we have totally different tastes and I also just think he does not want to spend the $$ to buy new furniture. We both LOVE the LOCATION of the house. He can just deal with the quirks b/c he has lived here longer. And the moving in process was NOT smooth and NOT sensitive on his end. We had a lot of talks this weekend and I think we are on the same page. He gets it- we can't move b/c we aren't ready financially to make that jump to stay in the area we want to be in that is very nice but also the right schools for his kids. I def was to nice at the beginning about this. I did make a mistake in just not saying I'm not willing to take this relationship to the next level unless we start somewhere fresh together. Sigh. Thanks for all the comments and support.
I'm not sure if my SO is a
I'm not sure if my SO is a real person or not at this point. I'll be moving to his house(because we collectively have a Brady Bunch and his house is 3 times the size of mine) and he already lets me do things and make decisions. We did a backsplash and painted the kitchen together and he says stuff like, "It's going to be your home and I want you to feel comfortable in it" that makes me believe he's a robot programmed to say the perfect thing all of the time. It just seems crazy to move in with someone and them not care about how you feel about your new home. If I can't be trusted to buy a lamp, I'm not moving in.
I've had the same problem
I've had the same problem except him and ex built the stupid house and he's always telling me he likes it the way it is decorated. I hate it and feel like an intruder because like you I gave most my stuff away or left it packed because he already had so we had to keep it. A few months back we were fighting over painting the walls. I started painting and halfway through stopped, crying because all I was hearing from him and his two boys was how they liked the red and blue walls. A friend told me its your house now your the one living there make it you. Stop asking for permission it is easier to ask for forgiveness. So now every time I want to change or redo something I just do and if he doesn't like it that is now his problem I tell him sorry and tell him he can put it back if he would like but I'm not I'm happy with it the way it is. It still feels like their home but at least I can see and feel a little of me.
Totally relate and
Totally relate and understand. And it sucks. I don't think even with decorator helping I'll ever feel like "home" here.