We have SD FT now
My husband and I have been married for two years. He has SD7 from a very brief fling with a woman. This woman had full custody with DH having weekend visitation until January of this year, when SD came to live with us FT.
SDs mother is an addict. We didn't know this at the time, because to look at her, you wouldn't think she was on anything. But she is. She was arrested in January of this year and that's when we were notified about the drug abuse. Now, looking back, there were some signs. SD has always been a difficult child when it came to us. But DH always put it down to her mother filling her head with bad things about him. And then I came into the picture and she hated me on sight. It's been incredibly difficult. DH is a good father to her and he makes sure she has everything she needs and he's always there for her and he punishes her when needed.
However, since we got custody of her, life has been even harder. She's very angry. SDs BM had a daughter when DH slept with her. He never knew about the girl until SD was born. He showed up to see his daughter for the first time and the older girl was there. So SD misses her sister, constantly asks why she can't live with us, has tried to run away to see her sister, and even called her mothers old number to see if she can talk to her sister. DH has told her she's in foster care and not with her mother, but she doesn't let it go. At one point she started destroying all our photos because her sister was in none of them. Another day, she heard DH and I talk about trying for a baby. It's been a while since we spoke about it because I had a miscarriage a few months after we got married. SD threw a fit and said she'd make our lives hell if we have a baby together. She said she wasn't going to play sister to our baby. DH has her in counseling. But the counselor has said she's resistant and won't talk. The only time she got her to talk was during the third session where she opened up about missing her sister. It sounds like it lasted all of three or four minutes.
I'm trying to be understanding. I really am. It's just so incredibly hard. Even DHs family can't get through to her. They try to spend time with her, have fun with her. But she never wants to spend time with them. I can see it breaks their hearts and DHs. Sometimes I feel like she'd be better off in foster care with her sister. It seems like she would be happier with her than us anyway. But I would never say that out loud.
The last couple of days have been really difficult. And I needed to find a place to vent. Thankfully, I found this site.
No, her mother will probably
No, her mother will probably never get her back unless she changes. And I don't see that happening.
Thanks for the advice!
No, we were asked to take her
No, we were asked to take her sister and declined and she has no visits with her sister right now.
Nothing like that was brought
Nothing like that was brought up when we got her. We were asked to take her sister and when we said no, that was pretty much it.
Counselor is not a good fit
Counselor is not a good fit and needs to be changed. SD is young. Are they doing play therapy? If not consider to changing to someone who does play therapy. Play therapy works well for children who cannot express themselves.
Foster care here encourages sibling visits. SD misses her sister and cannot understand why they are not together. You could try to get sibling visits set up.
As a couple you need counseling to work through the issues this situation presents now and in the future.
Don't add to your family until this situation is manageable. New babies add stress on the best of situations and yours is not the best.
No, they aren't. We've talked
No, they aren't. We've talked about changing her counselor but we have to find one who doesn't charge more than we can afford. It took a while to find this one.
Nope. DH has tried very hard.
Nope. DH has tried very hard. But she doesn't want to talk to either of us, or any of her family. She wants her sister. When she's not asking for her sister, she's acting out.
The older girl isn't my DHs
The older girl isn't my DHs daughter. Sorry if I mixed it up!
If the older sister is in
If the older sister is in foster care, she should be having weekly visit with mom at the foster agency. Have dad contact the agency to have them arrange for the kids to meet up a few times a month.
Poor thing! She lost her
Poor thing! She lost her mom, her sister, her home.... no wonder she won't open up to you guys. She probably figures it's only a matter of time before she loses her dad too.
Definitely see if you can get visits with the sister arranged. Maybe even revisit the idea of taking her in, although I do understand not wanting to raise a child that's not yours. Hell, that's why most of us are on this site! But honestly, it might actually make it EASIER for you, since at least part of why SD is "acting out" is because she's lost almost her entire family. I literally cannot even imagine how I would feel or act in her shoes. Probably not much better.
I have a hard time believing
I have a hard time believing that you inquired to the foster care system about siblings visiting and were told a flat out "No".
Honestly, it depends on the
Honestly, it depends on the situation. I have a friend who fostered a boy. The boy's brother was fostered by another family. Apparently the other family said they did NOT want any visitation, for whatever reason, and their wishes were taken into account. The boys were allowed a once-monthly phone call for a while until the other foster family decided to formally adopt that boy - then there was no more contact.
But the whole point of foster
But the whole point of foster care is to reunite the family. As long as the kid is a foster kid, the agency gets the make the finally call about visits. The foster parents are paid, so they don't get to say no. Well, they can say no, but the agency can then pull the kids(and the check) and place then in another foster home.
Since theses kids were just pulled from the home, chances are the oldest isn't available to be adopted yet. Since she's still a foster kid, the agency controls everything she does.
OP, did your husband win fill custody through the courts. Or did an foster care agency do a family placement? If both kids are foster kids (even if one is placed with a family member),then the agency will arrange visits in their office. Here the some agencies will even provide dinner during the visits.
It sounds like you need to
It sounds like you need to try a new counselor. They're not all the same and sometimes it takes a while to find one that's the right fit.
As for her sister, can you look into getting her some kind of visitation with the girl? Not in your home, I'm not suggesting that, but maybe set up to see her for a few hours a week at the CPS office or somewhere?
I recently saw a story on the
I recently saw a story on the news about a special camp for foster kids who have separated from their siblings. It was heartbreaking. Some of the kids hadn't seen their siblings in a year. They were so happy to be able to spend a week together.
My next door neighbors are foster parents. They take the foster kids no one else can handle and their home is much in demand. They told me that part of the strong bond between siblings stems from the abuse that they survived together. They only had each other to rely on and when they were separated they felt like no had their back. They could only trust each other. I would think this may hold true somewhat for your SD.
She only saw the therapist 3 times. I know adults who have had to see a therapist more than that to finally open up. This situation is going to take time and patience to solve. Your DH needs to do whatever he can to get visitation between the girls.
Especially if the sister is
Especially if the sister is older and mom was an addict, the sister was more then likely her primary caregiver. No wonder she's a wreck. Contact SS they should be able to arrange visitation.
i also agree you need a more proactive counselor.