Help with how to tell Skds I'm not coming to their bday dinner with "ours"
So I have been posting a lot lately. About holiday issues and just general blended family issues. A quick background is that my DH and his ex always do a joint bday dinner. I really wish DH had acted like he was divorced when he got divorced vs. continuing to let her run the show and not create healthy boundaries...but that was long ago and it didn't happen.
Given her legal issues I don't want to be seen in public with her b/c for me that will make me feel like I condone her behavior and I don't. I just don't want to be around it and I don't want my daughter around her. And I want to start that now vs. attending with her and then stopping later.
She isn't my family and not my daughter's family. I wish that DH would step up and tell her that we are just doing our own family celebration this year but not happening. And for my own sanity I will not attend. I just won't.
BUT wondering how to let skids know (I did go last year, against my better judgement I should have started my OWN growth and boundary implementation then, I didn't even though her legal issues and just started (and I'm talking stuff that is on the news) but I caved and felt that leaving my DH to go solo would be worse than just sitting at the opposite end and trying not to be a HUGE B b/c it is "for the kids." What is annoying is that we'll all eat, then the kids want us to take them to dinner as a family and then they want to have brunch with their mom's side as well. All this even though a dinner on their actual bday will have already taken place. It is absurd. I feel like if we are all having our own celebrations LETS JUST HAVE OUR OWN CELEBRATIONS.
Well, recently I'm trying some disengagement emotionally but also maintaining healthy boundaries. I'm just not going to go.
We have a good excuse with the baby (sitter could cancel? I could say it conflicts with her schedule) but I think the kids may not buy it.
What do you all think I should do? I'm hopeful that with another year maybe it will evolve that we'll all realize that how things were always done no longer make sense in the bigger scheme and that all the kids care about is knowing they are loved and have two parents t hat are not in conflict, stand on the sidelines and are there for them.
I agree. Ridiculous. My DH
I agree. Ridiculous.
My DH and BM may have done a few odd birthdays together when SD was a baby, but not now.
They got divorced for a reason and the reality is that the family as they had it in the past is no longer. The new reality is two families, and TWO celebrations/dinners/ whatevers.
A friend of mine is going through this and her BF has 2 kids. After 4 yrs the BF and his wife are still not legally divorced and still do 'together' celebrations like bdays and I think they also did Easter. My gf didn't think too much of it until the one skid had a bday party and my gf wasn't allowed to go with her bio. My gf and this guy LIVE together. The bf still went- 'for his kids'. That may have been my hill to die on. Had my DH done that... I don't even know...
As Ybarra said- you don't need their permission. AT ALL.
These kids know exactly what they are doing and are playing all sides.
Dh's family does something for her bday, then BM does her thing. NO confusion.
I think the bigger question
I think the bigger question is, why would any woman shack up with a guy who is "still not legally divorced" from his wife after four years? Even IF he does divorce his wife, and Even IF, he marries this woman, his children (her step-children), will see her as the woman dad was cheating with before he got the divorce, and if you think being a step-mom is a challenge, being the other woman AND step-mom will be 10X worse. Does your friend think she is going to even remotely have a decent life that way?
yes- sorry- a gf of mine.
yes- sorry- a gf of mine. Not the OP.
I don't understand why you
I don't understand why you need an excuse. Just tell them.."we're doing xyz for your birthday". If they ask why you're not going to BM's thing, you say again, "because we're doing xyz for your birthday". You don't have to make this a whole complicated and overthought thing.
Easy. Just say, "Nope. Not
Easy. Just say, "Nope. Not going." I lived with my now DH while he and BM were separated. Marriage was irreparably broken. He tried counseling, she refused. She wouldn't even abide by the state law regarding parenting classes because that cut into her kid free drinking and fornicating time. Yes, I was the other woman, but there were multiple men, so I really could give a rats a$$ about that.
When BM came down for SD's high school graduation (because I reached out and told them that she was graduating a year early), I did not go, nor did the 2 boys I share with DH. Made for no dramas. I told SD that I would be there in spirit, and she was good with that because she knew what would happen if we happened to run into each other.
No reason to go to an uncomfortable event just to make others happy.
When dh and i got married i
When dh and i got married i put a cobosh to birthdays and holidays together. Bm doesnt do anything for kids. I have a small family for cake. They love it. Bm asked once if her and fiance could stop and say hi during party and dh said she could see him tomorrow on his real bday and her weekend.
I know. I don't think we need
I know. I don't think we need to do separate dinners then all get together as well. The issue is I am very involved in Skids lives, we have 50/50 and b/ of of DH work schedule I take and pick up from school on our days, am home with my daughter now and so I also do daytime (all day) during the summer.
Just going to be very awkward and a departure but I just can't go. Sigh. Worried that BM will spin this and make it about me and tell the kids bad things. I don't know. I just don't think we need to jointly celebrate at this point.
Two families.
Also, my husband is annoyed but won't really take action. We are hoping that this year I bow out and then by next year we are at a different place to say hey, no more of this.
I just don't want to hurt my Skids feelings, but I really just for my own sanity cannot be around the BM right now with everything going on.
sigh.
She just sent an email out to
She just sent an email out to a group that is basically all her side. the only people from "our" side would be DH and me (but I don't want to go). This. Sucks. I also feel like I'm letting DH down by not going. Silly. We should just do our own.
Silly. silly.
IMHO, your DH is letting YOU
IMHO, your DH is letting YOU down by going and has been letting YOU down every second that he partakee in this stupidity
whaaa???? he's letting YOU
whaaa???? he's letting YOU down by playing happy family with his ex. I don't care how old the kids are, it's total BS when the excuse for being with his ex is "for the kids". not only would I NOT go, if my dh even THOUGHT about attending this, i'd have my bags packed and be gone before he got back home. this is totally inappropriate. divorce means DIVORCE. as if it never were. sure, she's the kids mother, and when you divorce, you maintain your OWN relationship with your children, sans your ex partner. this may have floated before you came into the picture, but once an ex re-marries, new boundaries are to be drawn up. this is too messy, and it begs for lots of drama. I'm probably safe in assuming this isn't the ONLY boundary buster going on here. i'd tell my dh he cuts that emotional bond he has with his ex NOW. this is def a hill to die on for me. I wouldn't care if skids "feelings" got hurt. we're talking your marriage here. it's not your fault their parents failed in totally divorcing each other. you need to have some anger at this because these boundary crossings will be an on-going thing for the rest of your marriage. it's bad enough when you DO have strong boundaries trying to maintain them.
Why don't you plan a
Why don't you plan a celebration for the time skid is on DH time? I wouldn't ask, just inform DH I made xyz plans for Saturday.
I mean I agree. I already
I mean I agree. I already told DH that you know may absence will cause some huge drama text/email (again proof why we should not be doing this jointly). I like your approach.
It IS their parents thing that they started right after the divorce. I'm sure my husband just wanted to be there and felt guilt and what not kids were little. His ex can be VERY mean and below the belt. to me, with all she has going on (part of why I will not be around her) I would think she would back off. but alas she won't.
I like your approach above. And I just need to get the strength to make the decision, know it is the right one, move on and be stronger about it. Definitely this situation is full of growth experiences which STINK.
I wish DH would suck it up to his kids and say I'm married now we have a daughter, we want to do our own family celebration with you all and your mom can do one as well!
SUCKS.
"I wish DH would suck it up
"I wish DH would suck it up to his kids and say I'm married now we have a daughter, we want to do our own family celebration with you all and your mom can do one as well! "
THIS exactly. why do you not insist on it? he's not going to wake up one morning and say, "all this is unfair to my WIFE", and proceed to institute boundaries. most of us on here have had to demand it. I've found a lot of men don't know what marriage actually means. they do what feels good, so the wife gets disrespected. him co-chairing a dinner with bm is disrespectful to YOU, the ONLY woman that he should ever partner with going forward. bm is a woman. a woman he had children with. would you be comfortable him having dinner with an ex-girlfriend? same thing. inappropriate and disrespectful.
Let him go on his own. These
Let him go on his own. These things have a way of working themselves out. He will have a bad time and won't want to go again and then hopefully he will not go next year.
I've tried arguing the birthday thing. Apparently because my parents never divorced I will never understand how vitally important it is to a child to have both parents at the same place to celebrate their birthday together. ...Oh woops, we just moved over 3000 miles away from BM so this year SD won't have both her parents....I wonder how traumatized that will make her and how devastated my husband will be?? I soon find out. We'd better line up a therapist for SD when she comes back after the summer, she may never be the same again.
How do you know that BM even
How do you know that BM even really wants you or DH there anyway? Not meaning that to sound snotty. Just saying. She may be inviting you and DH just because that is what they have always done in the past. SHe may be ready to move on as well. The fact that only you and DH from "your side" was invited may be a sign. NOt defending BM in this situation, just putting that out there for consideration. She may be having the same feeling you are having. I would bring this up to DH.
My XH and I used to do christmas together. We got along and both wanted to see the kids on Christmas morning. XH even stayed all night (on the couch) for the first few just so he could be there when they woke up. Clearly after we moved on to other relationships the overnights stopped but he would still come over christmas morning. That too eventually stopped when the kids were old enough to understand and there was never any issue. The kids didn't care because they then got TWO christmas's.
Just tell DH you don't feel comfortable going, that you have done it in the past but no longer want to sit there and feel like an outsider. Ask him if they are only invited out of courtesy or if BM really wants you all there or not.
I think it is time for all of
I think it is time for all of us to move on. I will let DH go (and will point out your thought that she may also be ready to move on.) We are still going to take the kids to dinner the following evening for our celebration. If they want to have dinner with their parents together that is fine, but I won't be going and neither will my daughter. I just don't want to do it.