Late night call
The details of this subject are of a sensitive nature so forgive me for not giving much background information. You may still get my frustration without it.
So dh received a drama call from his dd15 late Wednesday night which turned into us leaving at 2 am Thursday on a 4 hour drive to her at bm's. This is not new to us as it's something that we go thru once a year. Bm pretty much let's sd15 do whatever she wants and has, in my opinion, no clue how to raise kids hence the yearly frantic 4 hour drives.
How these trips work is by the time we get there things have calmed down, sd15 clams up, and bm has talked to dh at least once an hour solidifying her incompetence in parenting. Then we head back home after a day or two in a hotel feeling like we have no closer because sd and bm have moved on. It's like this is normal for them which I think probably is, however, this is not normal for us.
Sd complains that dh's world revolves around me but in these situations she is more worried about texting her bf or friends that she ignores her dad. I usually stay in the hotel room unless she has a meal with us. Then I keep myself occupied so dh can focus solely on sher. I do not even speak unless necessary.
For me this trip brought clarity in that I will not bother worrying about sd as she is ok with her version of normalcy. I will be there to support my dh but will not invest any of myself into this drama. How dare sd pull us into this drama just to completely shut us out and make us feel like we just wasted our time and money for nothing. I'm taking a stand and saying no more. This experience has convinced me that being done with sd was the right decision. No more will I allow her to affect me negatively.
The next time you get a late
The next time you get a late night call from SD, call the police for a welfare check. Have the police go each and every time. You are 4 hours away, and you said youself that by the time you get up (in the middle of the night) and drive there, it is all calmed down. BM has managed to either bribe SD into complying or not talking and everyone is fine. SD will learn to use this tactic each and every time to get her way if you continue to jump everytime she calls in a panic. Unless he is getting the shit beat out of her, then I suggest you go and remove her regardless of whether things are OK or not.
If you start calling the police each time, that shit will stop immediately.
Yes! I agree with calling the
Yes! I agree with calling the police.
That's exactly what you
That's exactly what you should do. If these annual trips continue, make him go alone. It's obvious this is a power play for his daughter and she's making him look like a fool. In the future, he needs to give it a few days to calm down before snapping to her demands and making that trip.
Why is he going anyway? Does she want him to come get her? He is not a referee!
Dh gets drama calls from sd
Dh gets drama calls from sd that only requires him to calm sd down because she has had a fight with bm and sd has gotten to a hysterical state. This is more common than the trips but most generally happen late at night.
We go when something serious has happened and he feels he needs to go. Sd has asked him to come get her or come to her but he doesn't always go unless he feels the situation warrants it.
I'm not saying that these yearly trip don't warrant the trip. It's just that we are left with unresolved concerns and feelings that all was for not. There's no communication after we leave and it's like it never happened.
Stop going running in the
Stop going running in the middle of the night! I agree about calling police for a welfare check then tell her you'll talk to her tomorrow. And shut the phone off for the night! The kid and her bm are playing games because they can. Stop letting them!
I am done with insanity. This
I am done with insanity. This I am sure of. It stops here.
Okay, I live in Texas, so 4
Okay, I live in Texas, so 4 hours isn't a big deal to me...lol! That is a day trip to Six Flags in Dallas...leave early in the morning, and come back in the evening. That said, I agree that it's crazy to have to get up in the middle of the night and make the trek only to get there to find SD and BM have made nice again! I like the idea of others to call in the local police for a welfare check! Explain you live 4 hours away, and things sounded serious on the phone! If the police have to make constant visits, and dear daddy doesn't come running every time, the crazy calls may lessen. At the very least, they would get a stern warning from the cops to stop the crazy!!!
Then, when SD wonders why DH didn't come running, he should plan with her to come see her the following Saturday or whatever. Make it a one-day trip and save those motel costs!! DH should leave around 6 am...that should get him there about the time SD is up. Then, go for food, see a movie, maybe walk around the mall, and then he heads home about 6 pm, getting him home in time for bed. You plan a day for yourself while he is off doing this...call the girl friends, hit up the nail salon, have coffee, etc. That way, SD gets a day that she is the center of!
Well I'm definitely not going
Well I'm definitely not going next time over drama. I will support dh from home. He can be a part of the drama if he so chooses. I choose not to.
My soon to be exSO's DD
My soon to be exSO's DD started this at 13ish. Only we didnt live 4 hours away.
I agree with the others.
Even if the situation has a deeper background, call 911 for BM if she wont.
If anything tragic were to happen, being 4 hrs away wont help.
And unfortunately, you do need to keep yourself removed.
SD IS treating DH like a fool and he jumps at it.
His kid his problem, in my opinion. Especially in the middle of the night.
You caan still love him, and wish sd well, from the comfort of your bed and home, when it IS NECESSARY for him to go.
Good luck and GO TAKE A NAP!
Your DH can't calm his kid
Your DH can't calm his kid down over the phone?
It would save time and gas. And I'm sure one or two visits from the cops would stop this shit in the future. Most people don't take too kindly to a cop banging on their door during the wee hours of the morning.
You are right
You are right Sally....Parents who don't teach kids how to deal with conflict will be rescuing them for the rest of their lives.
Our BM is the queen at rescuing her pwescious babies. Anytime they were here and bored or not getting thier way, BM would come get them. It makes for impossible children and an impossible situation when trying to discipline/ teach them.
I think that is one reason DH just gave up trying to discipline or teach his kids...BM would always swoop in and take them away from anything they don't like.
It does however, work in my favor since now she is stuck with them most of the time.
You are so right, Sally! I've
You are so right, Sally! I've tried to tell DH this over the years. I'm actually rather surprised that in the last 7 months, there haven't been any frantic calls from BM or HHB about some huge argument that they expected DH to resolve! This used to be an all the time thing! They would get into a fight, and BM would call DH saying he needed to come talk to HIS daughter, or HHB would call wanting DH to pick her up to get her out of there for a bit. When HHB lived with us, she would get into a fight with BM on a visit, and DH would have to drop what he was doing to go get her. "I don't want her to have to stay there if they are fighting." Really? Especially since I was always certain that the reason the fight even started in the first place was because HHB was copping big attitude! She is good at that...HHB will start something, and when she can't handle what comes back at her, she cries to daddy to rescue her! Every time she does it, I tell him he needs to leave her to let her learn to figure it out on her own...that if she is going to stir up crap, she needs to deal with the swarm that comes after her when she does! He can't rescue her his entire life!
It's like I've told DH
It's like I've told DH before...what exactly is he supposed to do. SD15 chooses to live with BM so SD needs to figure out a way to handle these blow ups. It's not DH's place to intervene as it has nothing to do with him. He just won't do anything about it. Allowing it to continue.
DH has started going to another room of the house or outside so I don't have to hear him talking to her. My problem is that this takes away from entertainment. Bah!