DH's first deception
I'm gutted.
I always knew DH's family would come between us but I never thought he'd let it since he's always reassuring me that I now come first.
So I posted in the Adult Stepchildren forum that we're to have dinner with SD28's fiance's parents tonight even though I have not met the guy (let's call him the Chump) nor have I been included in the three meals that DH had with SD and the Chump. I made it clear to him this past weekend that he'd better not meet the Chump's parents without me by his side.
Well, he did. And he hid it from me.
Today, just before I'm to meet the Chump's parents tonight, DH confesses that the Chump's father was at the last meal this past Saturday.
Here's how it went down.
Saturday: I was going to a school reunion dinner. DH takes the opportunity to ask SD and the Chump for dinner in my absence. SD replies that they were free for dinner. DH spontaneously asks her if his parents were free. I wake up and we talk about him arranging to meet them when I was busy. I tell him in no uncertain terms that he'd better not meet the Chump's parents without me by his side. He agrees. He doesn't tell me that he has already asked SD to check if they were free, thinking he can get away with it if they were not free. SD says only the Chump's father is free. DH proceeds with dinner plans together with the Chump's father, despite giving me his word, thinking maybe it's better to see how the Chump's father (an elder in an extremely conservative church) would accept us as a couple. Dinner proceeds with DH knowing full well he's not told me the whole truth.
Sunday/Monday: DH keeps looking for a date when we can meet the Chump's parents.
Yesterday: The Chump's mother calls DH to propose dinner tonight. I ask him what self-respecting guy leaves the meeting of parents up to his mom and doesn't attend the actual meeting of the parents? Is it because I'm attending that SD and the Chump doesn't want to be there? Little did I know a formal meeting of both dads had already taken place.
Today: I wake up to an email from DH confessing that he's deceived me and that he's already met the Chump's father. He's now apologising profusely and is very very contrite. He's been calling me and messaging me all morning, but I haven't picked up or replied. (It's lunch time now.) I'm extremely upset that he has allowed his hellspawn to come between us.
I'm so gutted.
I'll be going to the dinner tonight. Even in my disappointment and anger, I refuse to abdicate my position by DH's side. But I don't know how to deal with DH about this. Brush it aside and say I understand that he was afraid to tell me? Or give him hell that he deceived me and left it to the last minute before his deception would be revealed to tell me?
Very sad.
actions speak louder than
actions speak louder than words. he may say hes sorry but he may also be saying that so you wont ride his ass. after twenty years of marriage i am finally accepting the fact that me husband did not love my as much as his daughters if he loved me at all. i was simply a women to live with and get sex from while the children were small and living with the bm.
you will deal with your disappointment and anger in your own way, but being conscious of the behavior of your husband is important. you know he has no balls. divorced fathers rarely do.
I know he loves me. But now I
I know he loves me. But now I also know he's not above deceiving me when it comes to his kids.
I should be raging angry, but I feel more depressed than anything at the moment.
loving is one thing but crazy
loving is one thing but crazy making is another. you will have to keep your eyes open.
never lose sight of the fact that his actions are not of your doing. i feel for you as my husband is a lunatic who is insecure and abusive.
Eugh. Sorry to hear that
Eugh. Sorry to hear that about your husband.
Oh, Tiger ... I am so sorry
Oh, Tiger ... I am so sorry for you. What horribly stupid, spineless, thoughtless, idiotic (on-and-on)behavior by your DH. I would be ashamed of him.
Keep doing what you've been doing --- dress to the nines, act charming and politely interested, defer direct questions to your DH and bide your time. Wait til you see how this dinner goes. It could become a brilliant moment for you and reduce the past drama to a mild murmur.
Stupid and thoughtless -
Stupid and thoughtless - yes.
I'm walking about in a daze today. Trying not to let my sadness overwhelm me. Am I overreacting? It feels like the first nail in the coffin. All those stats that show that second marriages are more likely to fail? They seem extra real to me today.
I still haven't responded to his calls and messages. It's just after-lunch now. Let's see if he's persistent and still intends to pick me up after work for this dinner. I haven't responded coz I don't think I can deal with my anger/grief to burst out of me during the workday.
Hurt feelings. Betrayal.
Hurt feelings. Betrayal. Lies. Yeah, you've got that. But, first nail in the coffin? Nah. Probably not. Hiccup, challenge, opportunity to work on your relationship/re-establish boundaries ... yap-yap, but this does not have to be the 'first nail.'
Skip thinking about statistics. Acknowledge your legitimate feelings and focus on the outcome that you would like to see.
Thank you for helping me
Thank you for helping me focus on the outcome and not dwell on my current feelings.
You are not overreacting. I
You are not overreacting. I would be livid. Lying (even by omission) is a very big deal to me. You asked him not to do it, he said he wouldn't, then he did it, and then he lied about it! It would be very difficult for me to completely forgive that kind of betrayal.
I would not ignore the behavior for fear he would think it was ok to do again. I would go the "give him hell" route.
How did DH meeting Chump's father help him determine how the father was going to accept you as a couple? More importantly, why do you and DH care whether the father accepts you as a couple? What is there to accept?
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I would be depressed and angry as well.
He explained that he wanted
He explained that he wanted to ensure that Chump's father, being a leader in an ultra-conservative church, would treat me respectfully despite probably thinking we are in an adulterous relationship. Apparently, while Chump's father would not have agreed with DH's decision to remarry, he's apparently "gracious enough to accept the reality and move on". Whatever *that* means.
It's the fact that this is the first time he's ever lied to me, even by omission, that has got me gutted. And yes, has he lied before? And will he lie again?
Thanks for validating how I feel now. Sigh.
Dupe
Dupe
Sorry to say that if it looks
Sorry to say that if it looks like bullshit, squishes like bullshit, and smells like bullshit it must be bullshit. That he is making some bullshit justification for what he did is pathetic.
Take care of yourself.
Dupe
Dupe
I went to an all-girls'
I went to an all-girls' school so we don't bring husbands to our reunions.
I know DH loves me. I've punished him quite badly by not taking his calls all day. But I didn't want to let my anger or sadness take over while I'm in the office.
The issue here is that this is the first time he's lied to me. And he's allowed his family to come between us. Being who he is, deceiving me is a huge deal as he is not someone who lies.
I'll go to this wretched dinner. I only just messaged him "pick me up at 6". I'll be polite and social - but I don't know what will happen after dinner when we are alone. I feel listless and drained from keeping a straight face all day, and not in the mood for a big fight or an emotional breakdown.
Friggin' hell, it's only bloody Tuesday.
In his email, he used the
In his email, he used the word deceive. He knows what he did.
That's the thing. He couldn't
That's the thing. He couldn't have kept it from me coz I would've known immediately at the dinner that the two dads had already met. He must've realised and hence came clean. I wonder about other possible lies he might have told me that have remained concealed...
We've discussed it before and
We've discussed it before and it's *his* idea that we are now one social unit after marriage and his family has to get used to the idea. So it applies to family events but somehow not on a bilateral basis. This inconsistency is what's infuriating me. One minute he says one thing, and next minute he behaves differently.
I agree with tog. I would be
I agree with tog. I would be upset with the lying, but other then that I think you might be overreacting. I'm not sure why you would want to be seen as one unit together, you lose all sense of your individuality.
One social unit when it comes
One social unit when it comes to facing his family. I don't think I've lost my individuality at all.
It sounds like SD is marrying
It sounds like SD is marrying into a very patriarchal church. Men make the decisions, men have the meetings, men give the go ahead...etc. DH may have wanted to meet with the father/parents to see how they would accept your marriage before exposing you to unnecessary judgment or nonacceptance. Apparently you have a green light since you are invited to dinner with both of the parents.
I suggest (fake) gushing at how thoughtful and protective DH was to meet with future FIL first. Now the dinner with the wives comes into play. As a former member of a male centric church; it sounds like this is part of the social pecking order. Play along. You've punished DH long enough now let it go.
I've let it go. He's contrite
I've let it go. He's contrite enough. Dinner went as smoothly as could be. But you're right, the Chumps-in-law-to-be are very patriarchal. Mr Church Elder didn't address me personally one time. Just shook my hands and didn't even mouth hello or goodbye. Not that I care.
He sounds like a real ASS!
He sounds like a real ASS!
Judgemental people usually
Judgemental people usually are.
"never addressed me
"never addressed me personally" -- ok, this really chaps me. I belong to a luncheon group with some pretty interesting people in it, movers and shakers. Recently we were invited to a dinner party of a subset of this group, this time spouses included. I was so impressed as the host opened the door to us and first words out of his mouth were, "This must be DH'sName!, Welcome, DH'sName!"
As every other person entered the same space each and every person made a point of greeting my dh by name. Not a single one had met him yet but they had all gone to the trouble of learning and remembering his name before we arrived. They made a point of embracing him into the conversation and getting to know him without grilling him and putting him on the spot.
These people included a federal judge, a guy who just appeared on The Daily Show, et al. They could easily have been snobs but they were truly gracious to the nth degree.
tigerlily, your dh has done enough dinners without you and now his excuse for meeting the chump in law in advance is to check out his attitude to you. By now I would be ready to ask Mr. Pastor Tiegerlily, am I your mistress? The lady you sleep with who must be kept discreetly hidden away from your real life? When do I get to have a real life? I'm really wondering why I went through that ceremony -- it seems somewhere there was a clause that I missed, one that states that I now agree to hand over my dignity, my status as an honorable adult with head held high, my position as a peer to this man.
I would tell him I don't want to live in the shadows, no one told me I wasn't going to be a real wife but some kind of junior varsity not playing for real version.
You got through the dinner. You acted like a real partner. When is he going to start doing the same?
HA. Am I his mistress indeed.
HA. Am I his mistress indeed. I'm going to save that away and use it at the right time. I certainly refuse being stashed away any longer. I'm done. DONE!
If its the first time he's
If its the first time he's lied to you its not so bad. My wife lies to me quite a bit especially when the step sons ( man babies ) are concerned. Sounds like your doing okay. Sparkle and be a classy strong lady when the dinner happens . Good luck.
Having been lied to and
Having been lied to and cheated on before, I guess I was hoping I wouldn't have to deal with that on my marriage. Oh I know, everyone lies. But I thought he was different. Sigh
Ouch. I can imagine how you
Ouch. I can imagine how you feel. My DH (at least to my knowledge! *lol*) has never lied to me. I would also be hurt and depressed if I found out he had. I'm not sure I'd "give him hell" or "punish him", but I very definitely WOULD tell him everything you're feeling. Write it out and give it to him, maybe, so you can get it all organized and clear.
If it were me, I might write something like this:
DH, I am so hurt and sad that you lied to me. I feel like this proves you don't trust me, and I have done nothing to cause that. Real men - ADULTS - do not hide the facts and agree simply because it's "easy". A real man, a grownup, would have told me "I didn't realize this was important to you, I already asked the father to come to lunch today while you're at your reunion. I don't want to rescind the invitation, that would be rude." Then we could have discussed it and figured things out together. Maybe I would have been OK with you going to that lunch as the lesser of two evils, maybe not. But you refused to even give me a chance to participate in that discussion. You can't undo what you've already done, but by telling you how I feel about it I hope you understand why you should never do it again.
That's a good idea. Maybe I
That's a good idea. Maybe I will write out my feelings. Thanks
"Enjoy your dinner with the
"Enjoy your dinner with the Chump-n-laws. I will be at the 5 star hotel and spa blowing off steam on your dime for a few days. Don't ever make the mistake of lying to me again. BTW you will find that your key no longer works when you try to come home from that dinner. Have fun. ASSHOLE!!! "
That ought to send just the right message. }:)
Haha. I really must get a
Haha. I really must get a supplementary credit card for these occasions!
Haha. I really must get a
Haha. I really must get a supplementary credit card for these occasions!
I would bow out of all of it.
I would bow out of all of it. I have no relationship with my SD19. He sees her without me. Same with my IL's. They did some pretty horrific things. DH is welcome to see them without me. I can not handle the heartache anymore. These people are not worth it. With that said, if DH lies to me about seeing them, I am done. He knows he has to be upfront about it.
He was deceitful a couple of times about SD and his parents. Huge blowup. He doesn't make that mistake again...You need to decide if you really want to be part of this mess. Me, I wouldn't. No reason to be there....
I'm so sorry to hear that.
I'm so sorry to hear that. Perhaps I'll be in your frame of mind before long.
I am pretty stubborn and
I am pretty stubborn and after all of the dinners without me already, and being deceived, I would tell him that he can just handle everything on his own, like he has been doing. Wouldn't bother me a bit to bow out of this whole mess.
Sigh. I guess I'm still
Sigh. I guess I'm still trying to influence the situation so it doesn't come to that.