Need help! What is going on in my DH's mind!
We've been attending counselling where he is trying to teach us to be able to negotiate and talk about expectations Re SS16's behaviour and overall expectations in the home. We could only negotiate 1 so far...that SS16 go to school. Back story: SS16 is very troubled and has recently been suspended twice in 3 weeks from school. His mother has abandoned him ( put a restraining order on him) and has issues naturally as a result. It's hard living FT 24/7 with him. I've tried talking about having expectations re doing chores around here ( my home) and wanted as an example for SS16 to clean the fridge as he has 4 days off from school. But instead , DH insists he does it instead. This is on the back of him and SS16 and his boyfriend spending the weekend doing stuff together like going out go carting today and this is a Monday night only to find his boyfriend is staying another night and being picked up at school tomorrow morning after DH drives them both to school tomorrow.
SS16 goes to a different school than his boyfriend but my issue is being asked to have a sleep over at the beginning of the weekend but he ends up staying Into Monday night... when I work FT and when I try and raise my concerns.... I sound like I'm a kill joy, DH thinks I'm being unreasonable as I don't like sleep overs beyond the weekend. Now DH is out there cleaning the fridge after he implies I'm asking too much from SS16 ( who has no chores) but my issue isn't that DH does it but what are SS16's chores and for us to try and agree what they are together. There is no agreement and carrys on like it's all my way or no way....but I'm not trying to say that!! I only want to negotiate what are SS16 chores??
DH thinks I'm being unreasonable as he's not expecting me to cook for the boys but my issue is that they ended up having a sleep over beyond the weekend, he does nothing around the house and we can't seem to agree with expectations for chores.....DH would rather be making himself out to be the martyr and is cleaning the fridge as we speak whilst SS16 is entertaining his boyfriend in his bedroom oblivious to what's gone on!!!
It's just so weird as it
It's just so weird as it wasn't that long ago DH was furious with him for being a manipulative arse and now they are best buddies and I'm the bad guy!! Wtf just happened?
I am hopelessly confused.
I am hopelessly confused. Your SS is still in school, although suspended and is allowed sleep overs? Has no chores, or boundaries but is 16? I'm sorry but who is the adult and who is the child in this set up? What a completely unacceptable situation.
Is there something I am missing?
His suspension lasted a few
His suspension lasted a few days a few weeks ago and he is now back at school normally. Sorry for the confusion
Fine, that clears up one
Fine, that clears up one matter. It leaves sleep overs on a school night and a lack of chores. Your husband is cleaning a fridge so his son does not have chores. I cannot agree with this. I live in Africa. It is common to have housekeepers, gardeners, house men, staff and whatever else you may like to call them.
My 7 year old has chores despite this. I cannot stand the whole child of divorce/ single parent child and many other excuses I have read about. We are raising a population of unables.
I grew up in Southern Africa
I grew up in Southern Africa with a housemaid, gardener, driver etc but we were still expected to help with dishes, never leave our beds undone and help with keeping the house clean. One of the things I was taught to do was to wash my own undies from when I was about 11/12 -the maid was the washing machine nad so there was no throwing your undies in with the laundry...LOL. I shudder to think what my SD will be like when she's older on her periods etc given that she doesn't know how to use the toilet now.
I don't know why peopl ethink letting children run amok is the best way to raise them. The 16 yo in this post is sounding very messed up thanks to his dad.
Thank you... That probably
Thank you... That probably explains why I'm so confused. DH is acting like I'm the bad person trying to inflict all this bad shit onto SS16... When all Im trying to do is create expectations and boundaries... None of which DH seems to want to deal with and prefers instead to blame me. It's fucked!!
^^^^^^^^ This^^^^^^^^^ you
^^^^^^^^ This^^^^^^^^^ you hit the nail on the head as he expressed all this to me this morning. But as I said back to him that Im confused as to what is my role in my own home? Especially when theres a lot of unresolved resentment (from me about his kids) still going on and DH is reluctant to address it and instead prefers me to just forget about it (having a cordial relationship) and to live my life for me. WTF. How? Its my home and DH then tells me Im making people feel like a guest in my home. It will never be resolve unless I fall down and crack my head and lose my memory of things that have happened over the last 5 years. DH doesnt seem to care if we have a relationship or not but then says things like me "we....meaning DH and his kids" feel like guests in my home..... I cant win.
I agree with picking your
I agree with picking your battles, you make some great points about having the kid take responsibility for himself. Though I don't see DH pushing this kid out of the nest at 18 or the skid having any desire to leave any time after adulthood. He's already got everything he wants, including sleepovers with his bf whenever he wants. Daddy is waiting on him hand and foot and making sure he doesn't have to get his hands dirty doing chores.
I don't see you getting your way here at all OP, you're being way too nice. I'm wondering what exactly you're getting out of this marriage deal?
If your husband doesn't want
If your husband doesn't want to give the kid chores then it is on him and he seems willing to pick up where his son doesn't do chores. So I would spilt the chores into 3, and give 2/3 to your husband telling him you don't care if he does them or if splits them with his son, but that you want to live in a clean home. Then disengage from the SS with respect to the chores, it is up to your husband to enforce them if he cares to.
Overnight guests I do think that you should have some say over and limiting them to non-school nights doesn't sound unreasonable. That is what I think you should focus on negotiating with your husband. Also, you could see if the boyfriends parents might work with you guys and also agree to the no week night stays so that both boys get the same message.
dup
dup
Thank you for all your
Thank you for all your comments and it certainly validates where I'm coming from for sure. I was in such a state last night and believe this comes from having totally different value systems to my DH. I have raised 3 beautiful adult daughters who are self sufficient. DH seems to " enable" his and as a result, have grown up entitled and as one poster said, narcissistic. That is soooooo true and all his kids ( he has 3, two of whom are so called living independently but who still constantly expect DH to rescue them).
Our issue stems way back and I guess I'm still struggling with getting over my resentment regarding how I was treated by the older daughter and his son. I also believe Dh has this mentality of a "them vs me" which he is creating this dynamic but sees me as "wingeing" about it when I should be pushing it aside and just getting on with things. And that is my point too ( as I tried to explain to him this morning)..... My resentment dosent magically fade away especially when there's no teamwork regarding Dh and I anc instead it feels like it's a us vs me dynamic. This isn't how I expected married life to be like.
I take your point about the
I take your point about the fridge cleaning chore too.... I just randomly chose it as its always trashed by SS16 by shoving old uncovered food back into the fridge Which means it's full of empty jars, plates of food and crumbs. It's actually disgusting. But I'm backing off from asking anything from them anymore. It's clear to me that DH is managing SS16's behavior and I have no say in him doing things around the house so as long as my kitchen is tidy and his crap is picked up off the floors, then I will pick my battles accordingly.
As I said to DH this morning, I don't know where I fit in around here. He claims his kids are intimidated by me ( because I make them accountable for their behaviour) but it's made worse when DH won't insists his kids apologise to me when they've spoken to me badly or ignored me or whatever. It's my home sure but I try so hard to make it their home too ..... and it's so confusing when DH seems to expect me to just suck it up and forgive and forget about their last bad behaviour, when things could be "fixed" between us by an apology. DH seems ok with me and SD21 being at logger heads together instead of healing. To me that is sooooo strange. I don't understand that logic. He prefers that we don't have a relationship and not talk. Sounds controlling to me like they are hiding something from me. Recently SD21 purchased a horse worth $50k and she dosent have regular stable income. What bank would loan her that amount of $$?? She runs a rental property for horses so so would make $500 a week at the most then minus all her expenses.... It dosent Add up to me. I've asked DH if he bought to horse for her and he Denys it... But I'm taking his word for it as I don't have access to his accounts and we operate separately regarding our finances. Just weird.
I would say that your DH
I would say that your DH thrives on the drama and discourse between you and the skids. He gets to be in the middle to "protect" them from you and be a good daddy. Why ever would he want it to stop? If you and sd21 made up and actually spoke directly then he wouldn't be right in the middle, why would he matter? He's got you all where he wants you so he can control the dynamic.
Am I the only one reading
Am I the only one reading ss16's boyfriend is spending the night? Several nights in a row, even.
So, ss16 is gay and dh lets his boyfriend spend night?!
Swear to gawd I'm sober.
^^^^^^ Yes.
^^^^^^ Yes.
Ooookaaaaay... Well, I guess
Ooookaaaaay...
Well, I guess there's no chance of pregnancy with that. I still have a problem wrapping my brain around that kind of permissiveness, though.
Would he let him have a girlfriend spend the night if Ss were straight?
Yes...this is my issue on top
Yes...this is my issue on top of everything else as well. I didnt allow "sleep overs" when my daughters were that age....and insisted they wait till they turned 18! That coupled with SS16 is gay really challenges my homophobic radar as I treat everyone equally, but this is another thing Ive never experienced before. It does challenge me and it does make me feel uncomfortable at the same time. I dont apprpve and yes it is my house but then DH brings up the " we are all feeling like a guest in my house" as to the way Im treating people (I have boundaries and expectations) but seem to get shot down as Im not so quick to accept things. I feel terribly uncomfortable with them in my house knowing what they are up to coupled with the fact SS16 is ONLY 16! DH knows my stance on the under age thing, but its his son and Im not raising him.
And yes, DH would allow it if SS16 was a girl. He has been allowing it with his 2 older daughters and the eldest SD21 (back when she was in high school) virtually had her BF live 24/7 with DH when they were renting before he moved in with me. I didnt approve then too but they werent living with me then so it wasnt an issue...now it is and the only stipulation I have insisted on with my DH is that his BF ISNT going to live FT 24/7 with us, like he allowed SD21.
And I knew SS16 was gay when he was around 13....I even suggested it to DH back then. I dint have an issue with being gay but I do when I have two lads spending nights together in a relationship who are 15/16 years old under my roof. Its not right. But Im guessing DH lets him as he let his daugters sleep with their BF's same age.
SPEECHLESS...................
SPEECHLESS.........................
I come from a rather strict
I come from a rather strict African background so moving out to the "West" was a real eye-opener....lol. Little things like seeing school kids in uniform kissing and rubbing up on each other on the street or bus stop made my jaw drop...LOL.
then when i heard that from 14 children here can have their boyfriends sleep over, I was even more gob smacked.
I come from a country where being gay is illegal, I completely disagree with gayness being illegal and have nothing against gay people. If SS or SD turn out gay or even my DD then we wil continue to treat them the same way we do now.
HOWEVER, no pimple faced boy or girl in skinny jeans will have sex under my roof no matter what. I've spoken to my partner about this to make it clear that as long as we own the house together skids and our daughter will not have sleepovers of that nature. We can have bf/gf over for dinner (from my upbringing that's a major step and get to know their bf or gf but that's where it ends.
My child is very young so perhaps peple with teenagers rol their eyes at me and say well wait till your daughter has raging hormones. I had raging hormones too and liked boys and had thoughts about boys but my life was not ruined because my parents forbid boys from stepping into their house unless they were home and had a million and one reasons why that boy had to be in the house!I believe I'm well adjusted, very well educated and have a good job today because I did not have soppy parents who thank God did not give into my teenage hormones, my laziness and general rebelliousness.
Also, whether gay or not.
Also, whether gay or not. Whether you're step mom or girlfriend would I allow sleep overs as you described.
I wouldn't allow innocent friend sleep overs during school days, as well.
That's your house as well and rules are needed. And DH needs to step the heck up !! Then after he steps up , he needs to back you up in good rule decision making. It's a partnership if they're living there between you and your DH