Wedding woes
I know I'm totally going to get dragged over the coals for this but I'm prepared for it, I don't expect everyone to agree with me so here goes...
Me and SO were planning on getting married next year, we'd been talking about it for some time. For some reason he is hell-bent on doing it abroad. I told him that if that's the case, we're not taking his (3) kids with us as it will be a wedding / honeymoon combined. I told him either he does it in the country we live in, where they'll be more than welcome to come, or we do it abroad with out them and have a party when we get back to include them. But he refuses to do it in this country. As far as I'm concerned, that means it's more important to him to do it abroad than have his own kids at wedding - this reeks of having his cake and eating it to me.
Before you come after me with pitchforks let me explain that his kids are the typical bratty, demanding, ungrateful, spoilt (meh you get the picture) so would be crawling all over him demanding his attention or kicking off about something or other.
I refuse to babysit on my wedding day / honeymoon. IMO a wedding should be a day where the bride and groom can focus their attention fully on each other with no worries in the back of their head. He said his parents would look after the kids but they're old and it's already been established (when he took them away with his parent for a week in May) that they don't bother chasing round after them and it falls to him. I don't want to be worrying or miserable on my wedding day.
TBH this may be the end for us and it's probably for the best.
Sorry Sally, I don't think I
Sorry Sally, I don't think I made myself very clear....he is insisting we get married abroad AND take the kids with us i.e. having his cake and eating it. I have refused to do this and suggested that, if he wants his kids there so badly, we get married in this country. That way his parents can keep an eye on them through the day and take them back to theirs at a reasonable time. Taking them abroad is a whole new ball game. What if they get sick? What if they start playing up and we are stuck out there with them? What if they start insisting they want to stay with DADEEE in our apartment. IMO it's turning into a holiday for the kids, not a romantic, stress-free, relaxed wedding / honeymoon.
Postpone the wedding until
Postpone the wedding until the two of you can reach a compromise. It does not have to be the end of your relationship. I have been there and not wanted children at my wedding. DH insisted his son be at the wedding or we don't marry. Eventually we got married with no children and the compromise was a small wedding of 4 of our closest friends and their spouses.
Now is obviously not the time, so leave the wedding for a while.
Thanks for your replies. He
Thanks for your replies. He has used terminology such as "I am not snubbing my kids" and "They have been through enough this past couple of years what with the divorce". Ffs anyone would think they're made of glass. I know millions of people whose parents get divorced and it did not "traumatise" them.
He also said he doesn't think his parents would come if his kids weren't invited. I asked him why? He replied "because it stinks". He is also saying that if his kids can't come, then why should my brother, best friend, etc. be able to. I explained to him that it is completely different...we wouldn't have to look after these people because they are not his kids! So basically he wants to spite me because I don't want to take his kids with us. What a great basis for a marriage!
Honestly I think I'm done with him.
Yep, you're right. I need to
Yep, you're right. I need to face the writing on the wall.
My SO and I also plan to get
My SO and I also plan to get married sometime this year. I have already said I don't want skids at the wedding.
Good luck with that one. I
Good luck with that one. I think a lot of these men should not "date" and just "dad"!
It's already been decided and
It's already been decided and agreed upon by my SO..but we are not just excluding Skids. We are going away just the two of us and getting married somewhere. No family drama, just us.
Married at the courthouse. NO
Married at the courthouse. NO skids, NO family, NO friends. We had strangers for witnesses.
Same here except that no
Same here except that no witnesses were required. Just us and a clerk.
Courthouse here, too. Just
Courthouse here, too. Just me, DH, my two best friends, our parents and DH's sister, who was in town visiting from California.
No kids. No skids.
It was great!!!
aw happy memories. small
aw happy memories.
small chapel in the mountains, outside ceremony surrounded by all of fall's colors. just dh and i, the preacher, and the witness-slash-photographer.
We are getting married abroad
We are getting married abroad next year, my SD will not be attending. Shes stb5 and we get on great so its not because shes bratty or because of BM drama (fiance and BM were never married) its because my fiance wants us to get married abroad and have our honeymoon at the same time, and he wants our special day and our honeymoon to be about him and I.
Needless to say I am totally fine with that. Whilst I wouldnt have an issue involving SD in our wedding, the reality of taking her abroad with us, entertaining her throughout a wedding day and then what? Looking after her and having a kid-related holiday rather than a honeymoon? No thanks.
You have offered your fiance a compromise;
Marry in the home country and have SKIDS present
Or
Elope and marry abroad without the SKIDS
Those are the two options, if he is not in agreement then you simply postpone the wedding.
Your wedding day is about BOTH of you, but more importantly its about you as a couple. If he cannot understand your feelings about having his children from a previous relationship join you on your wedding/honeymoon then is he really the wonderful understanding man that will make you a loving husband?
Time to find another guy. He
Time to find another guy. He will bend backward to please his children and you will continue to be second to his kids. Sorry
A.
I totally agree with you OP.
I totally agree with you OP. A wedding and honeymoon out of the country with skids in tow would be way too much to deal with. It sounds like they are young and very needy still so of course all the attention would be on them. I remember traveling when I had 4 of my own young children in tow, fun...not so much.
If the skids are this much of an issue now even before the wedding don't be surprised at the drama that will ensue after. Treat this as a preview into the future about how your SO will prioritize you and the kids in his life.
This is what I am trying to
This is what I am trying to avoid too.
DPs immediate family is not in the U.S.
He's trying to get the SDs to visit that family maybe next year. So he's feeling me out for wedding/honeymoon ideas which I am NOT falling for.
He really wants SDs to go abroad, but they are. not. ready. After the last trip this summer to the mid-west he even said himself, "They aren't ready for more travel are they?" Um, no.
I think his idea right now is marry here in the U.S. in a small ceremony or something or elope. He even meant w/out SDs which I actually do not agree with; knowing them I think they actually need to participate in the wedding; i.e. be there for it.
I have no concrete idea what he's thinking yet but I have broached a couple ideas with him that DO involve SDs combinded with getting married and a little vacation that I think would be fun. Then we go home, drop SDs off, and be on our way for honeymoon.
DP has some idea of taking them with us internationally, dropping them with a relative or two, then us going on our merry way for a week, then collecting SDs and going home. Yeah, SDs will go for THAT, right. Dropped off with almost strangers, in a foreign country, with odd food and jetlag? And I told him under no circumstances am I going to be watching kids in any way on OUR honeymoon. WTF? Really? And this shortens OUR trip by two weeks (I want to be gone a minimum of three weeks not 10 days. So again, no.
He is trying to appease them rather than have them deal with reality.
And reality is weddings = family and honeymoon = couple only.
My SDs would then be 12 and 10 and there's NO WAY. They still refuse to deal with thier own small luggage pieces on short trips (which I have a plan to foil in a big way next trip! Bwahahahaha...!)