Halfway out the door. Need help [urgent]
Sorry its a topic for my first post but I read so many threads on here that this seems the best place for advice.
After 3 strenuous years, I want to walk away from my fiancé and stepchildren (boys, 3 and 11). 11 year old has psychotic issues, has been hospitalized for over night stays, is on massive amounts of medication, is a vandal, attacks random other children at playgrounds, and basically he has to stay in the house for the most part because he can't be trusted not to act up. He's been arrested once for assaulting his mother (we were separated at the time) and he has kicked out his mother's windows in her car. He has rage fits and once I had to hold him down because he was socking himself in the nose so hard I thought he would break it. This resulted in him biting a hole into my forearm that I have a scar to this day. I never swatted him for that even though it crossed my mind... he's extremely deranged and mentally ill. It's not so much I think a conscious choice by him to act this way, but its driven me away from his my mother (my fiancée) as well as his little brother.
The little one, 3, is ultra sensitive. Will cry at anything to get his way. I mean to the point if he can't have a whole package of candy at once he will cry and say that I'm mean and make up that I said I hate him. This results in his mother scolding me out, taking his side always, and then giving him double of what he wants. He has picked up by monkey-see monkey-do violent and psychopathic behaviour from his older brother. Just the other day the 3 year old threatened to kill someone with a knife. 3 years old! 3 damn years old!
The mother had these boys a youngish age, has never had a job (I thought due to be single mom) because its pure, and nothing more than that, laziness. Her name should be procrastination. Or better yet sabotage. This woman has cost me at least 2 jobs by sending her 11 year old into my work and he causes vandalism. I only work an entry level job so you can imagine how unsympathetic a boss can be when he neon open sign gets ripped to the ground and smashed. I told her both times repeatedly to not bring him to my work. She just does it anyway.
She also cannot be trusted with money. I gave her $310 to pay for an insurance bill, she spent it on a shopping spree.
Am I just a sucker in this relationship? It seems to me that they 3 are the family unit, and I'm being used as a meal ticket under the guise and pressure of "you raise these boys. you are their father!"
After the last few months of their behaviour going skyrocketing. Police show up at least once a week for something. Usually noise complaint on the kids because they refuse to listen to be quiet. Full pitch screams and I'm not allowed to say anything because it would be yelling and traumatize them *rolls eyes*.
These are my worries if I stay. The oldest boy is going to commit a very heinous crime that I won't be able to forget, forgive, or live down. His behaviour was like this far before I was ever in the picture, and I wonder if he has ever been sexually assaulted as when I google this type of behaviour in a child almost all signs point to sexual misconduct. I get stressed and anxiety thinking that he's going to really hurt someone. The little boy is so OCD with his sensitivity I try to avoid him. I can't ask him anything without it being a 35 minute repetition of questions. She either sleeps or plays pokemon (she's 30 btw).
I really wish I could get some advice. My mother said I could go live with her if I chose. The thing is, if I leave them, they will soon be evicted because I pay 50% of the bills there, and we are in this house we are because she went out one day and signed the lease without even consulting me.
Reading this over and over I really sound like an idiot. I feel I've been played a fool. She tells me every family is like this and that its normal. My guts tell me different.
I really would like some help/advice. Even if its just that i'm not alone in this. Its really affecting my life in a negative manner now.
She is using you. She is a
She is using you. She is a lazy bitch who refuses to take care of anything for herself, then guilts you into feeling like it's your responsibility. There are no redeeming qualities here, except possibly that the sex is good (I've heard that's why so many guys end up with crazy women--they are crazy in bed too).
Nothing about this relationship is "normal" in a healthy family. Police over at least weekly? Partner contributing zero positive to the relationship? No money trustworthiness? Refusal to parent?
Leave and don't look back at the relationship. Are you on the lease? If so, you need to consider how you will handle that. Don't worry about where she/they are going to go or what will happen to them. I promise she will find some other poor sap to be her sugar daddy pretty quickly.
I am not on the lease. I've
I am not on the lease. I've actually been careful not to sign any legal documents with her. I've very wary of contracts. Especially when it involves money. I don't even have a gym membership.
The sex WAS good. Then she gained over 100lbs in the last few years and things tumulted into shit. I avoid sex with her. I fantasize of other women and have been tempted to cheat just to get away.
I feel my best option for myself is to be single for awhile (lets say until spring at least) and just live a nice stressless quiet life.
I'm thankful for all your replies and this is helping me with driving the dagger in, so to speak. She's a feisty bossy person, and can break me down and bully me if I don't stay cold and hard towards her.
I hear you guys. But we all
I hear you guys. But we all know love blinds us. It did for 3 years. I didn't immediately jump into this family. We dated for around 7 months before I met her children. I noticed around 6 months after moving in with her (not current place, it was her original apartment... my dumb ass paid to rent a house) that she never cleaned. It would get super bad and then she would pay one of her friends to clean it. Then after awhile it became me. Last time I cleaned the house 2 days later it looked condemned. All 3 of them throw food and wrappers on the floor and laugh about it.
I feel like the a slave a lot.
I will leave her. What is the best course of action to do this?
Any clothes I have there... I can buy new ones. For 2 years I've been saving money for the wedding in a private bank account she has no idea of. I could use this $ to restart my life.
Sounds like a plan. Don't
Sounds like a plan. Don't live your life regretting the fact that you didn't bail when you had the chance. I made that mistake and as a result, the last 12 years of my life have been hell. At first meeting with these children, BM had a hissy fit and immediately started denying visitation to my DH, simply bc he was dating someone. HUGE red flag. I knew then and there she was going to be a problem. But I underestimated how big of a problem, and now have two bio kids of my own with DH. Just now disengaging entirely with my grown skids, after much abuse from them and BM. Anyway, on my part, lesson learned. You seem to have some foresight into this situation. Use it. Trust your instinct. You know the right thing to do.
Do not look back. Leave ASAP.
Do not look back. Leave ASAP. I would suggest that when you return to get your stuff:
* Give no notice. Less likely to have your stuff missing/ruined.
* Take someone with you. A friend, a solid relative, a Deputy. Sheriff's departments do this all the time. Tell them that you are nervous about domestic violence, abuse, the psychotic kids and you don't want things to escalate.
* Contractor grade black trash bags work well for emergency packing.
* Make a list of what's yours before you go so that you don't forget anything. Make a plan. Get all your paperwork.
This is not a "normal" situation, so don't fool yourself that this will be a normal breakup. Domestic violence, abuse, bullying, psychotic-mentally-ill kids etc. Get out. Then, once you're out you might find someone to talk to about domestic abuse -- men's group or individual therapy. Give yourself a breather. Call a "do-over."
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
I actually don't have to get
I actually don't have to get anything there. Clothes can be replaced. I don't have anything of value there (all my money went to their stuff). I don't even wanna talk to her anymore. Thinking right now of how to bring it up that as of this moment the engagement is off, and I don't want to be involved with her. She's not going to take it well, so I'm wondering if an out of the blue (not quite. last night she told me to think it over if I want to be loved by their family or go somewhere else and be a miserable lonely quitter for the rest of my life... quitter my ass, her kid got me fired twice). So you see, this will flare up a bullying incident.
She knows though, that she can't come cause trouble at my mothers house. As she is very posh and will charge her the nth degree if she were to do any crazy stuff. I give this girl enough credit that she doesn't like to make scenes in public. More the one on one type, so people won't believe she has this kind of personality.
Advice on how to break it off? I could do it over facebook, or the phone. She will call me every coward name in the book but what do I care what she says if I don't go back with her?
Call her, tell her its over,
Call her, tell her its over, then block her number.
Every family is like this? No
Every family is like this? No way. This is far from normal.
Go live with your mom. This woman is going to destroy your life. You sound like a nice enough guy, find yourself a good girl that isn't afraid to get her hands dirty. This situation is only going to bring you pain.
Dear Wallet: Please stop
Dear Wallet: Please stop laying on the doorstep with your tongue out. Signed: Your Common Sense.
Your post reminds me so much
Your post reminds me so much of what I went thru. SSs were 5 & 7 when I met them, husband had full custody. The oldest boy had some real anger issues....full body tantrums, hauled off and slugged his brother for no reason at times and then thought it was funny, first time he was in my house he stole money from my daughter, stealing was a real issue for him for many years an may still be, became involved sexually at an early age, set a couple fires in the house, rules meant nothing to this kid. He was smart as far as books but a real rebel at home. He loved his mother dearly and I felt that his anger and revengeful disposition was because of her abandonment, who knows. I am sure if you asked him his issues were all about me.
The youngest was daddy's little boy and quite the drama king. If anyone cracked a joke about him or barely touched him he would crumple into this puddle of tears. I never corrected the tears, I have no issues with boys crying but I saw what he was doing as a means to get attention and for people to feel sorry for him. He was deceitful and pulled all kinds of stunts.....ate detergent to make himself sick so he wouldn't have to go to school, sneaked home one day from school and crawled thru the dog door to get into the house, hurled a rock at his brother's head and split it open, pulled a knife on his brother one time....maybe he was tired of being punch for no reason. Later as a teen he was big into porn and feel he should have the right to have it in his room, there was quite an issue about the porn. He wanted to sleep over at his gf's house and would lie to cover what he was doing. Trust was gone eventually with this kid.
Bio parents wanted to just let the boys be boys. Pretty hard to live with this stuff and it is a hard road to go down. Divorce is hard on kids but these guys were having issues even while bio mom and dad were still together and then I am supposed to turn a blind eye to it all? I don't think so!!! Bio mom told her sons I didn't like them and that is why "I made issues out of their behavior."
My advise to you is to run as fast as your feet can carry you and never look back!!!!!! Things will never change no matter how much love and effort you pour into these kids and the relationships with them. You will knock yourself out trying to do what is best for them only to be stabbed in the back and blamed for your efforts.
I've phoned and told that I
I've phoned and told that I thought about it all and I'm walking away for good. I got a non hysteric reply of "well go f yourself then!" and she deleted me from facebook and put up a dolled up pic of herself for a profile pic. I'm going to assume this is to attract another wallet into her life.
I thought I might feel a twinge of pain if she did that. All it did was bring a smile from ear to ear on my face and I'm contemplating going out for a celebratory drink (its my day off).
This is far from over though. She will have bills coming up next week, and there won't be enough money to cover them. I am actually ( and this prob sounds dumb) going to stay at a friend of mine's during the few days around the bills time so she cannot for the life of her find me, then she will have to resort to whatever means to pay these bills and hopefully drive resentment for me into her and she will give up on me.
AVR1962 - a lot of that is the same with me. stealing is his biggest issue, even over anger. steals anything he can. then says "go buy another one!" if you catch him. or says a sarcastic sorry to you. I'm very thankful I ran across this website because I was under the impression from her that this is the norm for families. My family growing up was together but never very close or emotional. Everyone was to deal with their own problems. This instilled responsibility into me, and I remember as a kid my mom would give me $2 to vaccum the living room or make my school lunch if I wanted her to buy me a videogame or something. She would tab up the money until I had enough. Always fair. I tried that with these kids and they couldn't be bothered. they just begged another relative to buy it for them. I don't know if the world has just become soft, or that the way of raising kids nowadays is off.
I really want to thank everyone in here today. You guys really gave me the courage to stick to my guns. I will obv keep posted what happens because I know something screwed up is gonna come out of this and I may need advice.
No, it sounds like a plan for
No, it sounds like a plan for you to go to your friends house. LoL what a riot, she better doll herself up, those bills are coming due!! Stick to your guns, find a woman who deserves you. Edit: keep us posted.
Yay you're freeing yourself
Yay you're freeing yourself and wisely making her unable to locate you at least temporarily. Dang, it's hard enough to b a stepparent with sane people. Just learn from it and move on to someone better sooner or later. Best wishes!
I've decided against a
I've decided against a celebratory drink. I need to calm head incase any dumb thoughts cross my head while buzzed and do something regretful like apologize or something. But yes, today is a celebration day. I plan to do as much as I can that I wouldn't have been able to do before (not going to hook up with anyone... adding another drama on top isn't going to help).
I think my toughest challenge lies in the weeks ahead when loneliness settles in. It happens to everyone, and I will come back to this forum for help with that too.
Therapy/Counselling is a great idea. Just another person to talk to that won't judge.
In my mind, heart, gut, soul I did the right thing. I can't function in that environment and I feel everyone is better off with me not around anymore. That is THEIR family unit. I'm sure the children will be told I never loved them and they will be turned on me, but that doesn't bother me since I'm not in the picture anymore. 100% positive she will try to ruin my image around the town playing a victim. Again, if anyone actually gets involved with her, they will find out the truth eventually.
And that's that.
Just know that everyone feels
Just know that everyone feels lonely at various times in their life. Long ago I solved that like you did but learned to work harder at friendships, do some charity work, took up hobbies. Maybe u would enjoy an adults group at a church in your area. And one of my friend became my husband of 28 years. Just when ü aren't looking!