16 years and counting....
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that I have been with DW, and it will be the 16th straight year that her kids don't even get her so much as a card for Christmas. Being "just" a step-parent myself, I don't expect anything, but it is really crappy that her kids have never gotten her anything. Even when they were little, they didn't bother to make hand-made cards or anything, and now that they are adults, they would never dream of actually spending money to buy DW a gift. Of course they'll be there with their hands out on Christmas day....
I guess I shouldn't complain, as the skids are mostly out of the picture, but it is really aggravating knowing how selfish and entitled they are. Ugh....
My ss's don't do anything for
My ss's don't do anything for my DH either. BM on the other hand, oh my GOD!!!! It's Mother's Day! Let's have a freaggin parade! It's bm's birthday, shower her with presents!!! Christmas, spend all of our allowance money on bm's gift. BM passed these kids so bad. Now DH gets to deal with the pleasure of reproducing with trash. You reap what you sow. Sorry for your DW but she didn't teach them to respect her.
It is sad, and inappropriate,
It is sad, and inappropriate, and completely her fault for not addressing the issue.
Adult relationships require navigating, effort, and honest communication, even when those adults are your kids. Assholes don't grow in a vacuum.
Reciprocity is healthy; enabling entitlement isn't. Why does your DW keep giving gifts to these adult brats?
Agree with the sentiment that
Agree with the sentiment that it is your DW's responsibility to teach, to encourage, to expect certain behavior. As parents we set boundaries and sculpt certain behaviors with our kids and yes, we teach them how we wish to be treated. (Imperfectly, mind you, but most parents do try.)
However, in your situation, that just has never happened. If I remember correctly, your DW has consistently chosen not to parent, has elevated the children to equal status and has shunted you off to an auxiliary position in the family dynamic. Remember, it's not you ... it's her.
Sadly, your stepkids will have a difficult time if they ever launch and try to have a healthy relationship with their level of self-centeredness. How many potential mates (male or female) will be willing to enter a one-way relationship? Karma takes many forms.
I stink as a parent in many ways. I stink as a step/step-grandparent in many ways. Yet, my BS gave his SM a present every year before she skipped the country. He also gives my SO AND his father a present for Christmas. Never expensive, but something that he can explain/justify why it's appropriate.
(This year he spent his money on a motion-activated nightlight for the toilet -- it hangs on the rim, lights up the water and changes color. I laughed. "This is what you think SO needs?" It didn't cost much. It isn't something I think SO needs/wants, but BS saw it and thought of SO. I've gotta encourage that pattern.)
On the flipside, SO took SGD shopping so that she could buy presents for everyone. Strictly at the Dollar Store, but ... I do know that her biodad/SM have never encouraged her to make a coupon book or buy a trinket for SO who raised her for the first 8 years of her life.
(Personally, I'd like to see her offer a coupon to clean a bathroom once a month since she prefers to leave used tampons, pads, and dirty underwear all over ... but, I digress.)
Sorry that you have to witness this during a season when we are supposed to be thinking gracious, loving, thankful thoughts.
You're remembering correctly,
You're remembering correctly, DW was a "friend parent" when the skids were growing up, and viewed them as my equal (if not superior) in the household. Things have gotten better since the skids aged out, but there is no doubt in my mind that they pecking order has not changed. I benefit from the skids living elsewhere, but if anything ever happened and they were allowed to move home, I would be right back at the bottom of the heap. I am taking some measures to make it impossible for them to ever move in with us, so hopefully no concerns there.
As for those who blame DW for her rude and unappreciative kids, you are absolutely right. By refusing to implement standards, values, and consequences when they were children, she has produced adults with very little in the way of values and manners. Of course, DW has an overexaggerated sense of pride, and thinks it's insulting and demeaning if she is expected to show appreciation to other people. It's possible that some of this rubbed off on the skids, or it may just be laziness and the lack of values and discipline. Maybe a little of everything. At any rate, it will be another holiday season where DW sops up the skids rude behavior like a biscuit soaking up gravy. Whatever.
Here's a good question --Is
Here's a good question --Is there a way to change this behavior now they are adults? Would BM or BD sitting down with them and filling them in on stuff make any difference with adult kids. Or if BM just stopped giving them gifts do you think theyd catch on?
I would call ahead of time
I would call ahead of time and get the details on the party...and one question on the agenda would include...are we exchanging gifts this year? Now would be a good time to move out of the adult gift giving agenda, and just buy for the little ones...(if there are grandkids)...Or she could introduce the idea of drawing names...or you could play a game where each woman brings a woman's gift, and each man brings a man's gift...then play the "stealing game...if someone doesn't want to participate, then they don't bring a present...
There are lots of different options other than bm having a one sided gift exchange....she just needs to get a little creative, but, more importantly, clarify the expectations regarding the gift exchange BEFORE the party....peace
Paul, I'm back and want to
Paul, I'm back and want to apologize for my earlier post. It was brusque and not particularly helpful. I have great respect for you and owe you better than that.
Just wanted to add that I know what it's like to love someone who wasn't a good parent. My spouse is, for the most part, a wonderful partner. Unfortunately, he was a distant parent content to be a paying visitor in his kids' lives. He never developed a deep bond with his kids, and so they feel no loyalty to him.
At this point, with the offspring being chronological adults, we SPs only need to ensure that our marriages are solid. What our spouses reap is on them.