At a loss
I don't know what to do any longer. I thought my DH and I were in a good place. We had an agreement on how to deal with the skids. Things had been going well and then....
Last night I read some text messages on SD14's phone while my DH was asleep. This is normal, he knows I do it and he appreciates it because I know what to look for and can let him know what's going on (if anything). I read texts between my DH and SD14 and realized that my DH was made aware of the issues with SS11 from the previous week. I was told a few days ago that SS11 got his phone taken away from him by BM. I asked DH why the phone was taken away and DH said he wasn't sure but guessed it was because of talking back to his BM (a constant issue). In the text messages I learned that SS11 had gotten in trouble at school last week AGAIN for talking in class. This is now the 7th week out of 10 weeks that he has gotten a written note sent home about this issue. Also, he "forgets" his homework often and has been written up almost as much. 2 weeks ago SS11 was with us when he brought the note home, DH attempted to have a conversation with SS11 about it, but that turned into an argument because SS11 knows so much more than anyone else and whatever is told to him is incorrect according to him. SS11 has ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and sometimes goes to counseling for it....that's a whole different issue on why it's only sometimes.
Today, I asked DH why he didn't tell me that SS11 got in trouble again at school. He said he was letting BM deal with it and was hoping that SS11 would tell him about it (since the information came from SD14). I asked the question again since his answer had nothing to do with not telling me the information. Then he responds with saying he didn't think SS11 needed to be disciplined twice. I said that never once did I mention anything about discipline, my question was why he didn't tell me. He claimed that I would've wanted him to discipline SS11 and since he's been good at our house, he didn't feel it was necessary. Basically he thinks that he can't tell me an issue with the skids because I automatically go straight for disciple, which is completely UNTRUE. My first suggestion (not TELLING him how to parent, merely suggestions) is always to TALK to the kid, see what is going on. WHY are they doing whatever the behavior is and HOW he/she can fix it. If it's a constant problem, then there have to be consequences at some point, otherwise the kid will keep on doing that bad behavior. I told my DH he has lost my trust because he knew exactly why SS11 lost his phone and knowingly kept the information from me. He admitted that he thought about telling me, but decided not to. So this stupid issue with this kid talking in class, has now blown up into an even bigger issue of mistrust in our marriage.
I told him that I am sick of getting blamed for everything "bad" that happens. I get blamed for cake being thrown away (that was DH's choice and SS11 blamed me), I get blamed for the kids having chores (a household decision made by both me and DH), the list goes on and on. And now I'm getting blamed because apparently all I want to do is waterboard these kids and go for the ultimate punishment every time they mess up. I'm such an evil person. UGHHH
I also told my DH that I am sick of feeling unhappy because of all this blame put on me. I am sick of helping him parent and getting zero appreciation in return, from skids, in-laws and now apparently my own husband. I quit. I will now become selfish and do what makes ME happy. I will no longer be there for him to tell me about issues with his kids or his ex or anything pertaining to parenting at all. Right after that he says that he is sorry, he understands why I am angry, and gets my points. He then says that not only does he have to deal with this, but the BM did not take SS11 to counseling today and he also has to deal with that. I said I didn't care and told him he lost the privilege of having me help him with that issue any longer.
Clearly he doesn't understand any of this! Literally seconds after I tell him I am no longer helping, he complains to me about a parenting issue. I've been at work for 3 hours and all of his texts since I left home have been normal conversation like things are okay between us. I'm about to erupt! He doesn't get it! He knows how much of a trust issue I already had (due to infidelity between my parents that resulted in divorce and other issues). He claims he knows how badly I made him feel by losing his trust today. I can't win.
Am I completely wrong in thinking this way? I have one friend that is a step-parent and we have completely different relationships with our skids, but she's always there to back me up on how I feel. I guess I'm just looking for other points of view or maybe even more confirmation. Because somehow I still feel bad because of all of this, like I'm the one that needs to fix this. I shouldn't be the one that fixes anything because I don't see what, if anything, that I did wrong. Please help.
you are way too involved .
you are way too involved . This is not your child . Her mother and father need to deal with this , not you . Disengage - try it, it's great . Good luck.
Tell him to deal with his
Tell him to deal with his fucktards and that you have checked out.
It's awful when you are still
It's awful when you are still steaming and DH is all, la la la, how was your day? You have a right to be angry and not trust at this moment. And the best is when you are discussing/arguing about your family dynamics and DH pulls the 'I have to deal with BM' card and wants sympathy. Really? I don't want to hear about your ex while we are discussing our marriage and our issues to work out.
I do agree with the other posters that you need to step back as SM, let Dad handle things more. But I would also say you need to talk with DH and communicate directly. I'm struggling with this right now as well, so this is me giving myself advice as well. Your issues aren't with the skids, but with him. You aren't feeling respected as his wife or a sm. You need to be heard and feel powerful in your own home.
The answer to your dilemma is
The answer to your dilemma is in your own words: "I am sick of helping him parent and getting zero appreciation in return" I hope you take the following as constructive criticism, because I certainly can sense you are at your wits end!
As others have said, not your kids not your job. But in fairness, it seems like maybe your DH can't win for losing either. He had a parenting issue that he didn't tell you about, probably because you've indicated you are tired of helping him parent. Fine. So he is trying to manage it between himself, skid(s) and BM. But when you learn of it, you demand to know why he isn't letting you know what's going on. That seems very mixed signal to me and probably to him as well. That's probably why he decided not to tell you about it.
Is it possible your parenting "suggestions" to your DH may be coming across as more instructive than you think? Eg. how to fix problems with skids and identifying when consequences need to be considered, etc. Your DH may think if he tells you, you are going to give him "suggestions" that he may not be ready or willing to implement.
The only thing you can control is you. My suggestion, as others have noted, is to back out of parenting the skids as much as possible. Sit down with your DH and make it clear what you are willing to do and not willing to do. Make sure he understands where your new boundaries are going to be. Then, if possible, completely back out of active involvement/logistics with the skids for a month or so to let your DH get the hang of parenting them on his own. Since they are not tiny tots, I don't see any need for you to be so involved with their lives. Certainly not checking his daughter's text messages, while DH is blissfully asleep. If he wants to know what's going on in her life, he can check her phone - not you.
I agree that you are way too involved with these kids - back out and you may find it will do wonders for your marriage.
surrender. throw up the
surrender. throw up the white flag. it sounds like it's time. you cannot parent more than the actual parents. you cannot care more than the actual parents. if you do, or if you try to, you will be banging your head into a brick wall.
i understand what u're saying about trust. but your dh also seems to have his own trust issues with you, which is why he did not tell you about ss getting in trouble, he doesnt trust you to handle it appropriately. whether he's got a real basis for it or not.
give up the fight regarding the skids. just be his wife. i've got a few quotes taped to my monitor. one says "all love that has not friendship for its base is like a mansion built upon the sand." work on rebuilding your friendship with your husband, and let him and bm worry about the kids.
as of right now u dont trust him because he withheld information, and he doesnt trust you to react in a way he finds appropriate. it's turned into a tug-of-war now - just drop the rope.
He gets it. Of course he gets
He gets it. Of course he gets it. He just doesn't want to lose his scapegoat. Can you handle your anger without blowing up at him? If you can, do so. Don't respond to his bait. You've said what you had to, he heard you, now it's up to you to actually disengage from his crap parenting. Not from him, just his kids and his relationship with them.
Give a little smile, shrug your shoulders and change the subject.