BM buying Christmas gifts for husband "from child"

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I am new to the kid thing. I don't have any kids and I'm new to being with a man who does. My husband is the first. I don't think I had any clue how hard this would be. My SD is 11. She is so disrespectful and bratty. THe bio mom is a bit emotionally special and my husband walks on egg shells so that she won't get upset and take it out on his kid. The result? I feel that he is so busy worrying about how his ex wife will feel and how is daughter will feel, that I am the last on the list. It's really taking a toll. I don't know if I'm just having a bad day or what. I'm so sick of it. I get why he wants to keep the peace (for the sake of his daughter and I can understand that) but him kissing his ex wife's butt really makes me lose respect for him as a man. I hate to even say that, but it is the truth. He kept her name on our netflix account for 6 months after she moved so as not to upset anyone. They schedule all the special dates (like Christmas and New Year's) alone - I'm NEVER consulted. Should I be? I don't even know.
But back to the topic I originally posted about lol The ex went on vacation to California and when we dropped the kid off, she came out with 3 presents for my husband that were "from their child". Turns out the kid knew nothing about the presents and the Mom just brought them to her and said here..these are for your dad. I find it annoying that she buys presents for my husband for the child. Isn't that my job now? She does the same for Father's Day! I'm annoyed at her, but mainly at my husband because it seems he doesn't want to tell her to STOP doing it. Again, makes me lose respect for him a little bit. Since this is all new to me, I don't know if I'm making a big deal out of nothing or not. Step daughter will be back this weekend and I'm dreading it. She usually acts like a brat and we all end up fighting. I'm really getting sick of all this. My husband doesn't make much money anyway, so it wouldn't even matter for me financially if I left. I'm starting to think about it and I hate that. Our relationship is eroding and he doesn't even see it. I've tried to talk to him - MANY times. Now I feel like I'm all talked out. Nothing is changing. The Christmas gifts is just another example of how I feel left out all around. Does anyone else relate to this? I'm 40. attractive, okay job..we're only married for 6 months!!! I don't know if this is natural growing pains or if I should cut and run while I can. I hate to even think about it. My husband is clueless. doesn't get it. wants to keep the peace, but at what expense??!!! I feel like shouting that from the rootops today. Thanks for listening

This is not our first

This is not our first Christmas and the same thing happened last year. I thought once we were married it would be obvious the mom doesnt need to buy gifts for my husband, but I guess not. I'm more annoyed at him than her though - the fact that he hasn't set boundaries and stuck to any about this and other issues like schedules, etc.

I have!! Time and time again.

I have!! Time and time again. I feel I get dismissed. He has the same response "I'm in the middle" - He hasn't made any changes.

I thought it would improve

I thought it would improve once we were married that some boundaries would be obvious and that once everyone adjusted to their new "role" things would improve. He better see the light soon - reaaaaaaaaaaal soon lol

I thought it would improve

He's only in the 'middle'

He's only in the 'middle' because he put himself there and clearly if he isn't confronting the situation, he's enjoying it. Have you asked him if he really wants this kind of attention from his ex? Is this the relationship that he wants to keep the way it is? Afraid of setting her off? So what? He's not married to her and if she takes her upsetness out on their child he does have recourse. So again, who put him in the middle and who is keeping him there?

I'M IN THE MIDDLE Ok, we'll

I'M IN THE MIDDLE

Ok, we'll he's right, he is in the middle, the MIDDLE of 2 WIVES!
If he isn't going to let you be the wife, buy the gifts plan the family days like Christmas and New Years and help run the family like a wife should and let BM do those things instead then he is in the middle of two wives!
Wives have rolls in a family and when BM does partial of that roll because she shit out a kid, that leaves you not able to fufill your role as his wife, it's a horrible feeling! I've been there! For 5 years my BM was calling the shots.
I was only 1/3 of my husband's wife, what BM said came 1st, SD 2nd and i was clued in to what my family plans were ONLY if I read BM'S texts off my husband's phone!
The more I noticed my husband's balls were in the bottom of BM's purse the more frustrated I got, he too was worried about "upsetting" her because she is bipolar and extremely verbally abusive to the kids when she doesn't have extreme control. Finally I said I was done if it didn't change. DH didn't want a divorce so he put his foot down and cut control from BM who ramped it up to the point that we ended up in court to get an RO! We now have a NO CONTACT ORDER! She just couldn't give up my DH in her life!
Things got worse before they got better but they got better.

that is how I feel. that he's

that is how I feel. that he's in the middle of two wives, but he only has ONE - Hellloooo Meeeee! lol It's horrible! It really is, but again I'm more annoyed with him than her even though I know she gets a kick out of irritating me. Yes. That is how I feel. That his balls are in her purse WTF..it makes me feel sick. I feel exactly 1/3 of his wife. And I've said it. I said I feel LAST on the list to everything and both of them. He never tells me what the plans are for the child until they're already made! wtf I know I'm not the Mom, but come on. that's not fair. I don't know if I can take it like you did. How did you manage to stick it out??

I tried ALL kinds of

I tried ALL kinds of things.
*being tolerant
*talking about my feelings with DH, and my family
*reading DHs texts while he was in the shower so I knew what was going on
*putting my foot down because he wouldnt
*disengagement
I thought I was crazy, I thought I was being a bitch, I thought I was going insane!
Finally I found this website and by accident so did my husband from looking on my phone, he started a blog on here even.....BUT then he started reading about how other SMs feel on here, and things got 10% better, but BM was still running my home and texting/calling DH 4-5 times a day for "emotional" support (not kid related)
I came home with divorce papers for him to sign.
When he saw the papers,
He cut all ties with BM, and put me on a pedestal, helped me fight to shove her out of our home and life. We didn't change custody, we just stopped letting her over run our home and family. Like if she asked to "switch weekends" he would reply "let me discuss it with SM and get back to you" she would scream and yell "why does that bitch have any say in us and our kids" bit he would say to her, "she is my wife and this is our family now" she ramped up the crazy, broke into our house, stole our mail, threatened me, threw things as me but DH and I worked to shut it down.
It's been AMAZING ever since

Of course you should get a

Of course you should get a say in the scheduling, it affects you.

The gifts, everybody seems to have different opinions about BUT your SD didn't even know about them, much less pick them out or contribute in any way, so that was BM buying your DH gifts, pure and simple.

The BM situation? Your DH is more concerned with making her happy than you, his wife. That does not bode well for a happy marriage. He needs to stand up to her or she will be running his life (and yours, if you stay) forever.

Your SD is disrespectful and bratty because she's allowed to be. That is on your DH. Is he afraid to upset her, too?

So sorry you are experiencing all of this already! Did you see any signs of any of this beforehand? If so and you thought it would get better, it usually only gets worse unless he's serious about making some changes. And then does it.

thanks. I think I should too.

thanks. I think I should too. I feel like he's afraid of his ex wife or something. I k now he isn't but it's irritating as shit that he says nothing when he should. YESS! The SD didn't know A THING about the gifts - so she flat out bought gifts for my husband. Sooo annoying. The whole thing is just soooo annoying.
The BM situation? Your DH is more concerned with making her happy than you, his wife. That does not bode well for a happy marriage. He needs to stand up to her or she will be running his life (and yours, if you stay) forever. AGREE AGREE AGREE - This is what I've been trying to get him to understand since day one. I'm getting tired.

He better make some changes. I'm really getting stressed and sad. I am tired of repeating the same stuff and turning into just a "complainer"

Then you are going to have to

Then you are going to have to do something other than complain. He's not listening.

AMEN! Men don't listen to

AMEN! Men don't listen to words. They respond to action

Guess these guys are reading

Guess these guys are reading off the same script!

I don't know how many times I've heard that they "don't want to make waves with the BM because they will take it out on the kids..." well then the BM is not a fit mother is she if she takes it out on the kids, is she!!??? GAH!!!

EXACTLY!!!! Gets really old

EXACTLY!!!! Gets really old after a while. Reaaaaaaaaaaly old. It's like - well if you're so concerned with how the BM feels, why the hell did you get divorced? And why'd you have a kid with someone who "takes vengeance" Ugh. maybe my period is coming lol but I've had it. I just told him what I said here (via writing) and he wrote back. I'm sorry and that's it. Now he will go into feeling sorry for himself mode and say he's sorry he doesn't want to bother me, etc. etc. instead of CHANGING IT!!!

Been there. Done that. Chef

Been there. Done that. Chef was always thinking the best of the Girhippo; giving her the benefit of the doubt, taking the high road and all those other excuses to continue to walk on eggshells. I eventually disengaged and let him see for himself just how good intentioned the Girhippo actually was. (NOT!!!)

In the early years CPS was actually called on the BM when SD told teachers that she is punished by having to walk outside in the snow with no shoes on. It obviously was made up by SD to garner attentionm. Of course chef immediately defended the BM mistakenly thinking that he was co parenting and being a united front with the BM and that the kindness would be reciprocated.

Well lo and behold when the BM called CPS on him with a phony report based on lies and then used her position as an actual CPS worker to keep him from disputing the phony charges he was stunned and his eyes were gradually opened.

Your DH could be oddly flattered by having two women in his life; Either that or he is just trying to placate the BM thinking that he will help his children by doing so.

Of course he is sadly mistaken as the more he lets the BM and skids walk over him, the more they will disrespect him and the faster they will alienate for setting boundaries too late in the game.

then you understand! Thank

then you understand! Thank goodness for this site. I think he is a bit flattered by having two women in his life and also he is trying to do right by his kid. I am afraid that things will never change and i'm afraid it will get worse the older my SD gets. It's sooo much harder than I thought. Also, I feel depressed so that just magnifies everything

Truthfully, it's not just

Truthfully, it's not just these issues though. It's the whole immediate family that is not really mine thing. He is VERY involved in his daughter's life. She plays baseball and he has practice and/or games with her and her friends SEVEN days a week. He's hardly ever home. He says he has to do this for her future, which I understand but I feel bored. I could go on and on. He does have a lot of good qualities though of course. I do love him. Men never listen until it's too late I think. Then they're scratching their heads saying'" Geee what happened?!!!"

In the early years I remember

In the early years I remember countless times when he would tell me that he can't go to an adult party with me because he had to spend as much time possible with his kids which was every weekend Plus a day during the week. He said this as his children were physically lying on top of him like three VERY large lap dogs.

So basically a once a year Christmas party was going to permanently ruin his relationship with his children which of course is hogwash.

He was at the beck and call of the BM and would take the kids anytime the BM felt like dumping them off. AND this came shortly after the BM wrote to me that she was going to withhold visitation because, and I quote, "I was not fit to even glance upon her babies." :barf:

But then the BM discovered internet dating, she couldn't dump her kids fast enough or long enough with us. And when I say dump her kids off I mean she demanded that Chef drive 45 minutes one way each time to come and pick them up from her house and she refused to do any of the transport. Chef was hardly ever home in the early years--in fact the BM wanted him to come over for family dinners during the week night looking like they never broke up.

Now as I enter my 12th year of being with chef, I wish for those days that he would just go off on his own. I lost a ton of respect for him over the years but now he's like a homing pigeon and never goes away longer than his standard work day so I get virtually no time to myself.

My hubby was this way as

My hubby was this way as well. We almost divorced due to it. When he realized I was very serious about leaving him two years ago, everything changed. But it was a lot of stress and hard work the first three years of our marriage. And yes, BM gave my hubby a Christmas present our first Christmas. She wrapped up the champagne glasses from their wedding and gave it to him.

I hope he threw them into the

:jawdrop: I hope he threw them into the fireplace. Or at least, the trash.

Trash. Right in front of SD.

Trash. Right in front of SD. And texted BM......what the hell????

You have told him your

You have told him your feelings and he chooses to ignore how his actions make you seem insignificant to him.

Here is what I would say when I could say it completely calmly. I guarantee this would get his attention: "I'm sure you know me well enough by now to know I am not into polygamy. There are one too many wives in this marriage. You either enforce boundaries with your EX or you will have another ex."

If that doesn't get him to listen and take you serious, then he is a lost cause. Time to cut your losses.

I thank all that is holy that my DH put in STRICT boundaries with BM when she started causing problems. I would never be able to deal with that kind of BS.

Could you make a deal with

Could you make a deal with him that in the future, any gift he gets from BM will be taken back or sold on eBay and you two will use the money for a nice dinner out? That way he's not telling her to stop (which is hella-wimpy IMO), and you'll look forward to the gifts. If you're feeling especially evil, make sure SD knows that you all sold the gifts and are spending the money on a night out together...THAT might make BM think twice about her generosity. }:)

And you could also put the fear of God in him by explaining that if he makes YOU mad regarding BM, YOU might *unintentionally* take it out on SD. Not that you would be mean to your SD; just tell him that you feel you should stay away from her so that you don't start resenting her because of her mother. Tell him that because he takes BM's feelings into account over YOURS, you can't see SD as HIS kid...all you see is BM...the person who threatens your relationship...and you can't stomach being around her daughter. But if BM weren't a threat, you could open your heart to his child. While it sounds like taking revenge on the kid, you're not. You're just withdrawing from the situation until he gets his act together. If he's smart, he'll shape up. And if he cares that much about not upsetting his daughter, he'll try to fix this with YOU. Just be prepared for a few fights until he gets the picture.

These men are not afraid to upset us since they think we're not as crazy as the ex. I let mine know that I'm not stupid crazy like BM, I'm Hannibal Lecter crazy and I will quietly, strategically, destroy him. He laughed, but I think now he knows I ain't playin'! lol

Yep... it's like Bonnie and

Yep... it's like Bonnie and Clyde. Funny that they don't realize that they attracted their twinsies....but we're even more diabolical because of what's between our legs. lol glad to make you smile.

Sooo the gift in question was

Sooo the gift in question was a mug (one of them) i wrote him a long message this morning about how much this and other lack of boundaries bug me. He did his usual...Didn't reply and sent me some jokes acting like nothing happened. I get home from work and find the stupid mug (now used today) on his desk. Wtf men are idiots sometimes (sorry) but i am so irritated with the whole scenario. I swear i had visions of smashing the mug on the floor. I feel so alone sometimes and i question my own reactions often as a result of this situation. Im sure he said nothing to her. Im in my room in silence..tired og same old conversations and no one taking action or caring. Its not just the mug that bugs me. He doesn't get it. Its the lack of boundaries. I feel like hurricane is going to blow into town if i start talking today.

So, what is your plan of

So, what is your plan of action going to be? 'Cuz talking to him, writing him messages, and complaining is not accomplishing anything, except you becoming more resentful. What do you want to DO? What do you think will get his attention?

Well sadly i did blow a

Well sadly i did blow a gasket and so did he. I said (yelled) that he needs to set boundaries and he screamed back that the only one who suffers is the child and that he has to handle her mom .step by step". I told him exactly that he needs to tell his ex when plans come up that he needs to check with me also and that he needs to tell her She doesn't need to be buying gifts. Same story. He can't Becuz she will make silly and inappropriate commwnts to the child. He then proceesed to smash the mug on the floor. Ugliness. Not what i wanted. The thing about arguing is it causes severe damage and again nothing resolved

Well sadly i did blow a

Sorry for multiple posts not

Sorry for multiple posts not sure What happ. I don't know what to Do. I can't afford to do anything right now. Stressed and tired. Plus my job doesn't pay much. Thanks for listening anyway. This does help a little

He can't Becuz she will make

He can't Becuz she will make silly and inappropriate commwnts to the child.

If she is this kind of person, she is making comments to the child, anyway, your DH just doesn't know it.

He is letting BM hold him hostage, he needs to put his foot down with her. It may cause problems at first but in the long run, IF she sees that he is serious, it will be for the best.

Otherwise, welcome to some other woman running your life.

You are right and she does it

You are right and she does it all the time. He only finds out when the kid says something to him weeks later. I told him that very thing! Whether or not he puts it foot down won't change anything, except for the better in my opinion. Last week my stepdaughter smacked me!!! We tap each other on the butt playing around sometimes and I tapped her and she turned around and with anger in her eyes, she BELTED ME on the arm. She's 10. Her Mother has told the child that she doesn't like me, so I would imagine that's the reason she is being aggressive to me. I let her have it (the child) didn't smack her of course, but I told her that would NOT be acceptable in our house. I do not want some other woman running my life. It's not going to work. so i don't know what to do because nothing was resolved.

Hallelujah! Glad he broke the

Hallelujah! Glad he broke the mug so you don't have to look at it anymore. But how douche-y that he actually used it. I probably would have thrown it away if I saw that.

Here's some advice that might be a game-changer for you in your arguing...
Approach ONLY one subject at a time. Men usually can't see the connections that we make (emotionally) and they can only deal with one issue at a time. You'll have to gather all of your patience for this, but it does pay off.

Let him know the ONE thing that you can't tolerate, and use baby steps when approaching each other things.

Also, arguing is GOOD. It gets everything out in the open. You just have to be smart about what you bring up.

Be clear about your EMOTIONS, but not in an emotional way. Does that make sense?

Logically, clearly, tell him how you feel...and how you think HE'S feeling...but start with his feelings first. Validate him, speak to his heart, and then let him know how much his actions hurt you. When you do it right, he will understand you and want to take care of you. You'll be relating to him and showing vulnerability. Yet at the same time, you need to let him know that you won't put up with certain behavior from him. Challenge him to change... because you NEED him to if you're going to stay with him.

It's a delicate line to walk... confident chick who won't put up with BS on the one hand, yet sweet, loving woman who needs a hero to protect her on the other.

You can do this. It sounds like your man is on the verge of waking up! But unfortunately, you'll probably have to deal with some ugliness until you get to the promised land.

I did! His birthday is coming

I did! His birthday is coming up in April and I told him there BETTER NOT BE a present from her - but I'm not sure if anyone is really understanding how much this is pissing me off (them). Though I think it was clear last night

Try this. Sometime in

Try this.

Sometime in mid-March, DH tells SD his birthday is coming up and he wants to start a new tradition for the two of them. DH will plan an activity with SD. During this activity, SD gets to do/buy/make something for DH's birthday. Thus, he will have his bona fide gift from SD and all she has to do is make him a card for his actual birthday in April. It can be anything - a movie where SD actually "buys" the ticket, or a fast food meal, maybe SD makes a batch of his favorite cookies just for him, or even the two of them going shopping together for a small item from the local mall.

If you can successfully pull this off, DH can repeat the same thing with her at Christmas or other gift-giving holidays.

This will cut BM out of the gift process. Anything she tries to hand over on his actual birthday just won't be accepted as coming from SD (he already has his gift from her!) and he needs to refuse those gifts on the spot.

Of course, this strategy will only work if he is willing to do so. This can be a win-win as it will mean DH and SD spend some "alone" time together, SD will learn more about thoughtful gift giving and what her dad really likes, and if it becomes "tradition" it will cut BM out of the gift-giving picture forever.

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BM buying Christmas gifts for husband "from child"