How to handle this situation?
I have a 17 year old skid in the house. I am pregnant with my first baby and right now, more than ever certain things irritate me.
The skid has this "thing" when she comes and hugs me and says "I love you" out of the blue. Just because. Sometimes gives me a kiss on a cheek. While some may think it is sweet, I don't necessarily welcome that affection nor want it. I think that is how little kids behave and not 17 year olds (but our has undiagnosed autism for sure and some social cues, actually very many, she simply doesn't "get"). Well, now that I am prig, I hate the smell of her shampoo and her soap, her skin. And when she hugs me, I just want to run away far. I don't want to offend anyone, but I just really don't want her to touch me. For one, because i don't like her smell, for two, I am not a fan of her affection anyways. How can I go about it without offending her and her father and without them thinking I am some kind of an evil person?
You don't say how often this
You don't say how often this is going on. Is she there EOW, 50/50, or 100% of the time?
I have no advice but as you see on here there are way worse things you could be experiencing.
I did say she lives with
I did say she lives with us.
All the time. No mother.
She hugs me every day several times a day. Yes here are worse things indeed, but this are the small things that i don't like yet they are happening every day and I want it to stop. It should be something that is an easy fix, but for some reason it is not as easy as it seems
She is high functioning and I
She is high functioning and I had no choice as far as "taking her". She comes as a package deal (plus I did not really realize the extent of things). Trust me, I sure wish it was just me, my fiancé and our baby and no one else.
No I don't like her smell. Mainly it is my pregnancy. She doesn't stink. In fact, it is super fruity smell, which at least right now I absolutely hate. I even thought of getting her all the new shampoos and stuff that smell like peppermint or something, but I can't make her like some other smells.
I would prefer if she did not hug me at all. She does it every day. Several times a day. It is weird and annoying to me
I will try it or something
I will try it or something similar (may be high five).
As for the rest, I am actually not optimistic that I will be able to handle it all long term. I hope I can. But I am pregnant and at this point I don't feel there is any going back for me. I am a foreigner and if i left, my fiancé would get to keep the baby. USA doesn't let newborn US citizens leave the country, so at least for a long while I will stick around coz I can't leave my child
Perhaps I'm missing something
Perhaps I'm missing something ... you are not married. You have options. You may not like them cuz it's not easy, but you are the person locking the door. The "I'm a foreigner and am helpless" scenario sounds as if you are not fluent in immigration law or have spoken to a lawyer. My first response was that your perception was B*S*.
Clarification: not about SD's hugs but regarding the helpless-style comment regarding traveling & moving w/a minor in a contentious relatioship.
I do know my son's SM (married to exDH) took his twin 1/2 siblings, USA citizens, to the Ukraine & hasn't been seen in a year beyond large bank withdrawals.
None of you knows anything
None of you knows anything about immigration, so please don't say you know something because your friends or friends of friends or someone else did something. I have lived here 15 years and know more about immigration than any American does unless they are immigration lawyers (and you will be surprised how little immigration lawyers know sometimes). Laws also vary depending on a foreigner's status in the country AND their country of birth. You may still think (like most people) that once someone gets married it is all set and done and they get a citizenship - WRONG! You may think once someone has a US citizen baby it is all set and done too - WRONG! You may think that if a foreigner lives in the US 10 years or more they can become citizens - WRONG again.
It is really none of your business, but since you all prefer to just think that I am some kind of an opportunist here and I just want to stay, you all are WRONG again. I am not a citizen. No we are not married yet and I am the one who is holding off the wedding (which pissess off my fiancé) for several reasons. And in my particular situation I will not be a citizen for a number of YEARS even if we are married, while my baby if born in the USA will be. My fiancé is a US citizen as well. He has a stable job, his house, his car, his daughter that he raised alone (so there is no way to say he is a bad father, because he is NOT).
I can leave any time i want - no one will stop me and no one will care. But if i want to take my baby out of the country I need his permission. If I want to get a passport for my baby - I need his permission. If i want to get my baby a dual citizenship - I need his permission. It is within HIS power to call US department of state and to put a hold on me taking my child out of the country even IF I obtain a passport for my child and if I try to cross the border, I will be arrested. I know it all in and out and yes I did speak to lawyers. My fiancé used to be married to a foreign lady (not the same country as me) and he fought for his child and won easily. What makes you all think he wouldn't do it over again if he had to?
So quit your judgmental BS, please.
My only option is to get out NOW and give birth in my country, which would mean a few things: I wouldnt finish my education (I am doing postgraduate work right now), my relationship with my baby's father would be over, I would hurt my fiancé greatly, I would hurt my child by refusing him/her a father that they could have had. Is that what you all are suggesting? Because if so, then you all are full of it too coz I doubt you would do such a thing unless you absolutely hated your DH.
This almost sounds like a
This almost sounds like a joke! You are upset because she wants to hug you and tell you that she loves you? Wow....I wish that was happening at my house!
You said you wished it was
You said you wished it was just you, DH and your baby. SD probably picks up on those feelings. Maybe she is telling you she loves you because she is hoping to make you like her. She may feel insecure and wants you to want her - so she is telling you how much she loves you.
Is there any way to get her undiagnosed autism diagnosed? If she were to receive treatment it might help her recognize social cues and learn boundaries.
As an aside - I don't see anything wrong with a 17 year old doing this to someone she perceives as a parental figure. As far as dealing with it, I think Tommar's suggestion is great.
I would LOVE for her to get
I would LOVE for her to get diagnosed. But her DS thinks everything will get normal on its own eventually. He knows it will be a very LOOOONG process, but he truly thinks she will learn things on her own. It also takes time, effort, and money to get her diagnosed and he doesn't have the time (he works all the time) and i doubt would be willing to put in the money it requires because he sees no benefit in getting the diagnosis. We talked about it and he said "what for?" He doesn't think at her age there is much that can be done any more.
She can't possibly receive me as a parental figure. She had only known me for 8 months. Sorry but no one can tell me she fell in love with me during this time. She spends all of her time in her room and we never communicate (she doesn't know how to have a conversation. Not just with me. In general with anyone - it is one of her biggest issues). And I surely don't have to LOVE her and don't feel comfortable saying "i love you" back to her because it is not true. Her and her father have this "thing" that they day it to each other. It is a routine thing. So I think she does does the same thing with me because that is the only way to say anything at all that she knows. Our "conversations" literally consist of her saying "how are you?" and randomly hugging me saying "love you". That is it.
I feel no connection to her and yes I sure wish she did not exist. No she is not a horrible kid like some of you have. And she is not hateful or spiteful, but that doesn't mean I have to love her, feel anything towards her OR like her touching me.
Her shampoo smells not only on her hair. It is some strong stuff. The whole house smells when she takes a shower. I used to actually like the smell, but i can't stand it now! Pregnancy is not fun indeed. I might just have to tell her father to get her something different.
Those of you who think what I am describing petty - go away then. Just because you think your issues are worse, doesn't make mine any less difficult for ME. And no, I don't care to hear "i love you" form a teenager that I KNOW doesn't even know me that well nor feels anything towards me. And I surely don't feel any maternal feelings towards her and I don't want to be touched by her.
I asked for advice and not for your opinion about my feelings towards SD.
So your DH doesn't want to
So your DH doesn't want to take the time or spend the money to help his daughter? I hope he doesn't feel the same way about the new baby. You said in another post that he was a great father. How does a great father not get his daughter the help she needs because he is too busy and it costs too much money?
I'm going to disagree on her not seeing you as a parental figure. You are the only adult female in the household, it would be natural that in 8 months she might see you as somewhat of a parent. And 8 months is plenty of time for her to develop loving feelings towards you.
Maybe she loves you and maybe she doesn't. She may be saying it because she wants you to like her.
No one has suggested that you need to love your SD. What you need to do is to not let her know that you don't want her around and wish she didn't exist. And even if you don't say it, she must feel it.
As far as the touching, I totally get that. You have been given some ideas on how to get her to respect your physical boundaries. Maybe you could compromise by letting her say what she wants to say without touching you.
Getting her a different shampoo/conditioner/lotion seems like a pretty easy fix as well.
He has dealt with her for a
He has dealt with her for a long time and used to take her to doctors a lot (she was totally non-verbal, had hearing issues and lots of speech delays and learning delays). Once things have gotten better (years later) I think he just... had enough and at this point is tired of doing it. I can't blame him to be honest, although I do think because of her issues she has been babied and sheltered to a very unhealthy degree. She has absolutely zero knowledge or every day things, she is way behind on social development than her peers, she has no perception of things (like how others may feel or what they may want), she doesn't learn from observation and needs constant very detailed directions (and even then she will often either forget or "forget" things). basically if she was left alone for one day on an island, there is no way she would have survived (too many things to explain). I do think he could do better and should continue seeking help for her and not be satisfied with "something is wrong but we aren't sure what" diagnosis doctors gave him then she was a child. She meets autism criteria and there is no question about it. It is all in the DSM without even testing her (although it would be great to test her too to get the exact diagnosis, the depth of it etc). I think if he somehow saw a real immediate benefit for her, he would do it, but he thinks she will make more "strikes" in her development on her own without further help. I don't agree with that, but that is not my child, she will be 18 in a few months and at this point it seems like he has already decided how he will handle her (which looks like she will be with us for a very long time).
I am pregnant and once my baby arrives, I will just try to concentrate on my baby so I don't have to think about SD. I don't feel like it is my place to nag him to get her diagnosed and get her treatment if he doesn't see the benefit nor can take her to those specialists due to his crazy work schedule, so that would have to be on me even if he agreed (and I am not at all sure I want to deal with all that although if he really felt it was critical and asked me and was appreciative of me taking care of it, I would consider taking her everywhere).
Thank you for understanding!
Thank you for understanding!
Does she have a pet that she
Does she have a pet that she can channel her emotions into? My 13 yr old has aspie tendencies and he loves his animals. We have 3 cats and a dog that he is always loving on. Provided you're not allergic this may help her redirect some of her affection. There's also fragrance free shampoo. I remember those prego days where many smells would set me off. The worst was exH's breath!
Take care of yourself!
I think you have a MUCH
I think you have a MUCH bigger problem than this girl's odor and her showing affection towards you. Here are your own words, so re-read them carefully:
[hugs] "are the small things that i don't like"
I had no choice as far as "taking her". She comes as a package deal
Trust me, I sure wish it was just me, my fiancé and our baby and no one else.
I am actually not optimistic that I will be able to handle it all long term.
I am a foreigner ...so at least for a long while I will stick around coz I can't leave my child
My fiancé is a US citizen ... his daughter that he raised alone
I can leave any time i want - no one will stop me and no one will care.
I know it all in and out and yes I did speak to lawyers. My fiancé used to be married to a foreign lady (not the same country as me) and he fought for his child and won easily. What makes you all think he wouldn't do it over again if he had to?
My only option is to get out NOW and give birth in my country, which would mean a few things: I wouldnt finish my education (I am doing postgraduate work right now), my relationship with my baby's father would be over,
Sorry but no one can tell me she fell in love with me during this time [8 months].
I feel no connection to her and yes I sure wish she did not exist.
once my baby arrives, I will just try to concentrate on my baby
MY TAKE:
So you were able to fall in love with your fiance in 8 months, and he with you, and are now having a child together. Yet you claim his developmentally disabled kid isn't capable of having affection towards you? You basically have kicked her to the curb at 8 months into the relationship, when you know full well she is part of the package deal. Wonder how your fiance would feel if he read all you wrote about her. If I were him, I'd be worried that you are on a campaign to get her diagnosed and sent "somewhere" permanently, where you won't have to deal with her.
If you read your statements above, no one in their right mind would identify this as a relationship based on mutual love and dedication. Why do you assume that your relationship with him would be "over" if you chose to go to your home country, give birth, and then return? You mean to tell me you couldn't go back to him? What kind of a man are you involved with?
You are getting ready to give birth to a child but the first thing/reason you note is that you wouldn't be able to finish your education? Which is the priority for you?
I will agree partially with your statement, "...think that I am some kind of an opportunist here." But it may apply to both you and your fiance.
You've already indicated your fiance has done this before. Maybe you are getting played by him? Since he's been down this road before, maybe he knows full well you are in a bad situation and he's hoping you will bail. Then he can have a second child to raise all to himself. Maybe you are just his second baby-making machine.
And how would you explain to
And how would you explain to someone who a) has a permanent job b) wants to attend birth c) is not an idiot that all of a sudden I want to leave the country to give birth elsewhere (i.e. the country with way less developed healthcare system) while both of us have perfectly good health insurances? Any ideas? And how do you see hm going over to another country to be with me during birth and leave his work (and daughter)? And yes there is a real possibility that i won't be able to return to him even IF there is some way to convince him that it is best to go over to my country to give birth. Why? Coz I am not a citizen and I need to go to the US embassy and go through a lengthy process and an in-person interview in order to obtain a visa. To obtain a visa I have to prove that I have non-immigrant intentions. I will have to apply for a visa for my baby too. There is always a real possibility that we won't be granted visas. Now, lets go back to the fact that he is not an idiot and he is well aware of those obstacles. And tell me again, how do you see me convincing him that that would be the best option? Any ideas? Coz I will hear you out if you have any, but I doubt you do.
Which is a priority for me education or a child? Both. I have invested YEARS of work into my education and I am close to being done. I am the first in my family to ever learn another language and not only that but get a high level of education in another language. Yes, it is one of my top priorities.
I have been in this country long enough to jump at opportunities to make a baby to "stay" (although that is not at all as easy as many Americans think it is. Having a baby grants absolutely no rights to a parent. Unless you are a Mexican and your child falls under the "dream act", which is still not as straightforward as many people think). I have a great education and trust me I am not staying here illegally to wash the floors with the education that I worked so hard to get.
As for him, I surely hope that his feelings are true and that he is not using me for another baby. I don't think it was easy to raise one child and I doubt he is dreaming of doing it all over again by himself