Good morning! Glad I found this site, I need a place to vent and get advice. First, I'm a working mom. My daughter is 16. I've been with my husband about 7 yrs and have SS14 & SS12. The kids get along pretty well, they're at the age where they're all busy and my daughter isn't around most weekends since she's with her dad or holed up in her room. I get along with SS14 very well. He's a smart kid, nice, funny, engaging.

This reason why I'm here is b/c of SS12. He is a terror. In the past year he's started stealing, vandalizing, and become a chronic liar. He has ADD and is defiant. Everything I tell him to do, be it let the dog out, or keep her out, to picking up his mess, is an argument. He flat out refuses to do what I say and on the rare occasion he does follow up on my request it's not without glaring, hatred, and more reasons why he is right. He fights dirty with his brother, often leaving him bruised or scratched or with a black eye from out of nowhere. Yes, his brother fights back, but SS12 is often the one to start it. He genuinely feels that he is right. If his work (homework, housework, etc) needs corrected he takes it intensely personal and as an attack on his intelligence or character. When he gets ready for school in the morning he takes 30-40 minutes to eat breakfast, often starting fights with his brother. Then he very slowly gets ready while screwing around and every morning my husband is screaming at him to finish up b/c they're late. My husband needs to get up earlier so that he can stay on top of this kid, but he rarely does. My husband also has ADD. I'm f*cked.

DH is also defiant when it comes to SS12. He feels that he needs lots of love and attention. SS's mom is also remarried and in a bad relationship as well. Things are not well at that home either. I get the need for love and attention, but the disrespect and arguing that comes from him is creating a rift in my marriage that is getting more and more difficult each day SS12 is here. I do not like this kid at all, I absolutely hate spending time with him.

Did I know what I was getting into? Yes. We were engaged for awhile and lived together before we were married. I taught SS12 how to tie his shoes, I have known him since he was 5. He once told me that he liked me more than his mom. We were buddies at one time and I really loved him. But this past 2 years have really changed. He's a totally different kid. If I was told that he killed a pet I would not be surprised. If you told me he did something really bad, like set his house on fire, I would not be shocked. There's something in him that is not right. There is no sense of remorse when he does bad things (steal $1,000, damages a classmates property, steals from a friend, etc). When he does these things his mother will take away his iphone but replaces it with a regular phone that still has games and texting on it. He's only "grounded" for a week, is still allowed sleepovers, gets to do all the regular fun things. There essentially is no punishment. For my husband's part, he punishes him, but still takes him to do fun things like hunting, sporting events, etc. It's very mild punishment. If my daughter stole $1K, she'd have to repay it, lose her phone for a month along with everything else. With a lack of remorse or punishment, he continues his behavior.

He is in therapy, but mom keeps cancelling the apts and so he's only going 2x a month now. I feel he should go weekly. At his last apt he blamed all of his behavior on me, saying that I am not fair and I make him do all the chores. First off, I am queen of fair. It was my #1 goal as a SM (and a lifelong SD) to be fair. SS14 & DD both feel that I am fair. Second, SS12 always has an excuse for not doing his chores and usually is "too sick" to do them.

I'm fed up. I'm not in a financial position to leave but the weight of being unhappy 50% of my week because of a kid is getting too heavy. I'm considering leaving when my daughter graduates from high school. We have a nice home, are connected with our neighbors, and live in a great school district. I've been sticking around solely for her.

Is anyone else considering a similar outcome for themselves?
Do any of you have a similar experience with a kid - known them for a long time & things changed? How are you handling it? I came clean with my husband this morning and told him that I do not want to spend time with this child while things are so difficult with him. I feel that things can work, but he needs to man up and discipline this kid and keep on top of him so he stays in line. He's lazy about it, acts as though his kids won't love him if he isn't Disney Dad all the time, which is B.S.