I didn't tell DH that I disengage - I just did it.
SD is pretty much disengaged from me anyway, so she doesn't care. And DH's involvement with SD is small and appears to be disengaged as it is, so I don't even know that he's noticed or cares. He only cares when she manipulates me and pretends to be nice...then he flips out if I don't respond.
Honestly, I don't care what DH thinks about me disengaging. I tried very hard for too long only to be treated like crap in the end. He doesn't ask me to do more or even invite me to do things with them because he knows I'll just say no.
He's likely not going to think that you are some "wonderful magnanimous person" while noticing that SD is a brat. Don't even worry yourself with wishing that. It really does nothing for anyone in the situation. All that will do is frustrate you when he doesn't notice how great you are while he continues to pander to her.
He may be more willing to notice her shortcomings if you disengage. As long as you are actively trying to show you how much of a jerk she is, he will see you as an issue and a threat to her.
Since I've disengaged, our relationship has improved 10 fold. I'm less stressed. He's less stressed. We get along a lot better. We don't argue when she leaves because I just let him deal with her. We used to have tense days after she left, but not anymore.
I did it without discussing, I give a few helpful reminders here and there but he has to get their food, supplies, etc... I do none of it. I will help him with rides here and there for the skids but that is only to be nice to SO. I am also very helpful in helping them pack to go home.
I haven't outright told DP I've disengaged. I've just slowly pulled back over the last year and after this holiday season I stopped with the rest. I'm still polite, I help DP only IF he truly needs it and it's not just because he doesn't feel like doing something. I don't pick up after them, cook for them, do their laundry, or shop for them. DP has to do it all because he wants me to "parent" but doesn't let me. But it's ok if I do everything for them. Responsibility without authority...DPs ideal and my version of much frustration.
DP knows I've stopped doing things, and let him know exactly what I don't do any longer. He knows I was/am frustrated but doesn't quite get it. He gets very tired after a day of catering to SDs.
I will interact with SDs so long as they are polite or ask me nicely if they have questions. If they need anything, no matter how small it's "ask your dad" because I've been burned too many times. I make sure the house is generally clean and safe and don't tolerate backtalk. The SDs are actually great to hang out with, without DP, because they know my expectations.
My disengaging has helped DP and I because I don't get angry or so frustrated as much. There's instances but hey, not my kids. He has said that he appreciates all my help and understands it's hard for me...and the learning continues.
Here’s our story…My husband and I have been married for 15 years. My son is now 25 and his daughters are 27 & 38. My husband’s ex was verbally abusive to him and his daughters for 20+ years (this is what I’ve been told by all parties involved). She also showed signs of being very narcissistic. He spent those years trying to “protect” them from the situation. He had custody of his youngest daughter and his oldest daughter was already out of the house. So when we got married my intent was not to come into the marriage replacing their mother but to be a more positive role model in their life. My husband’s expectation was that I was going to be put in the “mom” role. Unfortunately, with that role I didn’t feel I was given the rights and responsibilities to defend myself with the stepchildren disrespected me. I didn’t want to upset him by pointing it out and he didn’t want to correct them because he was suffering from “Guilty Father Syndrome”. There are too many situations to list in this post. The oldest SD has been disrespectful to me, her father, her sister and even her husband. On top of all that I’ve been criticized for doing good…. So fast forward 15 years later and within the last year I have hit my breaking point and was willing to end my marriage because I couldn’t take it anymore. I took a leap of faith I approached my husband with my thoughts and concerns. Through a lot of fights, tears, prayers and counseling we have decided our marriage is the priority. We also realize that even though our intentions were good all those years ago, we made wrong decisions and didn’t set boundaries. Now we are paying for it. My husband was the one to suggest I “disengage” from the oldest SD (I’ve also step back from the youngest SD because she is very controlled by her sister). The oldest SD has some issues that need to be resolved and she is also showing behavior traits similar to her mother. I’m at the point now where I’ve told him that he needs to “defend” me and set the boundaries. It’s going to be up to them whether or not they accept them. Nothing is going to interfere or have that kind of negative impact on our marriage. The question I have is how 15 years later, does he set the boundaries between them and us? Is there anyone out there who has had the support of their husband and he’s had to be the one to put his foot down and draw the line (boundaries)? Any suggestions on how this can be done? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. My husband and I will both be reading the comments.
he was upset but understood. I mean how can he blame me when his 20yr old son has never acknowledged me or our 2 toddlers, is a rude little shit who brags housework is a womans job including child rearing.
ss lives at home when not at university. He has never spoken to me in about 2 yrs, maybe more. Even elwith trying to disengage, hubby is still asking for my opinions how to address ss issues.
Disengaging doesn’t really work in that it isn’t a long term solution and it doesn’t actually typically resolve anything.
When you disengage you give one of 2 messages: a) I don’t really care about you or b) you can do what you want and I will just go do other things and you can just continue on.
if you are dead serious about the relationship all that disengaging will do generally is cause a rift and distance within the relationship. If you aren’t willing to fight to be heard, or if you are fighting and your DH/SO is refusing to listen try counselling and if that doesn’t work you have some hard choices to make.
You should not have to “disengage” within your own house. I get the concept fully, but are you going to spend the next 20 years disengaged?! Just ignoring everything that goes on all around you?! Sure this might work sometimes to get an immediate reaction but more often than not I just will cause even more problems.
And if you feel you must do it, don’t say you are or talk about it..,,
That’s just bullshit. Disengaged is often the perfect solution. Disengaging is what you want it to be. It is never the same thing. Disengaging from minor children is totally different from disengaging from adult skids.
I was more taking the question as disengaging from your DH. For us DH is fully alienated.... so when i think of disengaging I think of it as myself disengaging from what he does. Which I don’t think works in our situation. I have tried disengaging from the talk of the legal battles, and all that crap BM pulls- and for me it still happened just I wasn’t having as much say.
I generally am not a fan of disengagement either. To me it is abdicating part of one's life and marriage. Not something I am willing to do, nor something that I can in all good consciousness recommend.
That is why I focus on the confrontation and destruction of toxic behaviors and in some cases toxic people. My perspective is that of zero tolerance for toxic crap. When people choose toxic behaviors I bring escalating painful consequences until they either amend their behaviors or... they just go away.
but Hon you are the parent
but Hon you are the parent not me... I'm busy
I love that... lol in other words I am busy doing nothing, drinking tea, drinking beer anything except looking YOUR child.
Well I think my SO will be
Well I think my SO will be the same as he does rely on me alot but if he wants our relationship to work I just cant do it anymore.
I didn't tell DH that I
I didn't tell DH that I disengage - I just did it.
SD is pretty much disengaged from me anyway, so she doesn't care. And DH's involvement with SD is small and appears to be disengaged as it is, so I don't even know that he's noticed or cares. He only cares when she manipulates me and pretends to be nice...then he flips out if I don't respond.
Honestly, I don't care what DH thinks about me disengaging. I tried very hard for too long only to be treated like crap in the end. He doesn't ask me to do more or even invite me to do things with them because he knows I'll just say no.
He's likely not going to
He's likely not going to think that you are some "wonderful magnanimous person" while noticing that SD is a brat. Don't even worry yourself with wishing that. It really does nothing for anyone in the situation. All that will do is frustrate you when he doesn't notice how great you are while he continues to pander to her.
He may be more willing to notice her shortcomings if you disengage. As long as you are actively trying to show you how much of a jerk she is, he will see you as an issue and a threat to her.
Since I've disengaged, our relationship has improved 10 fold. I'm less stressed. He's less stressed. We get along a lot better. We don't argue when she leaves because I just let him deal with her. We used to have tense days after she left, but not anymore.
Disengage!
I did it without discussing,
I did it without discussing, I give a few helpful reminders here and there but he has to get their food, supplies, etc... I do none of it. I will help him with rides here and there for the skids but that is only to be nice to SO. I am also very helpful in helping them pack to go home.
I haven't outright told DP
I haven't outright told DP I've disengaged. I've just slowly pulled back over the last year and after this holiday season I stopped with the rest. I'm still polite, I help DP only IF he truly needs it and it's not just because he doesn't feel like doing something. I don't pick up after them, cook for them, do their laundry, or shop for them. DP has to do it all because he wants me to "parent" but doesn't let me. But it's ok if I do everything for them. Responsibility without authority...DPs ideal and my version of much frustration.
DP knows I've stopped doing things, and let him know exactly what I don't do any longer. He knows I was/am frustrated but doesn't quite get it. He gets very tired after a day of catering to SDs.
I will interact with SDs so long as they are polite or ask me nicely if they have questions. If they need anything, no matter how small it's "ask your dad" because I've been burned too many times. I make sure the house is generally clean and safe and don't tolerate backtalk. The SDs are actually great to hang out with, without DP, because they know my expectations.
My disengaging has helped DP and I because I don't get angry or so frustrated as much. There's instances but hey, not my kids. He has said that he appreciates all my help and understands it's hard for me...and the learning continues.
DUP
DUP
Disengaging/Setting Boundaries
Here’s our story…My husband and I have been married for 15 years. My son is now 25 and his daughters are 27 & 38. My husband’s ex was verbally abusive to him and his daughters for 20+ years (this is what I’ve been told by all parties involved). She also showed signs of being very narcissistic. He spent those years trying to “protect” them from the situation. He had custody of his youngest daughter and his oldest daughter was already out of the house. So when we got married my intent was not to come into the marriage replacing their mother but to be a more positive role model in their life. My husband’s expectation was that I was going to be put in the “mom” role. Unfortunately, with that role I didn’t feel I was given the rights and responsibilities to defend myself with the stepchildren disrespected me. I didn’t want to upset him by pointing it out and he didn’t want to correct them because he was suffering from “Guilty Father Syndrome”. There are too many situations to list in this post. The oldest SD has been disrespectful to me, her father, her sister and even her husband. On top of all that I’ve been criticized for doing good…. So fast forward 15 years later and within the last year I have hit my breaking point and was willing to end my marriage because I couldn’t take it anymore. I took a leap of faith I approached my husband with my thoughts and concerns. Through a lot of fights, tears, prayers and counseling we have decided our marriage is the priority. We also realize that even though our intentions were good all those years ago, we made wrong decisions and didn’t set boundaries. Now we are paying for it. My husband was the one to suggest I “disengage” from the oldest SD (I’ve also step back from the youngest SD because she is very controlled by her sister). The oldest SD has some issues that need to be resolved and she is also showing behavior traits similar to her mother. I’m at the point now where I’ve told him that he needs to “defend” me and set the boundaries. It’s going to be up to them whether or not they accept them. Nothing is going to interfere or have that kind of negative impact on our marriage. The question I have is how 15 years later, does he set the boundaries between them and us? Is there anyone out there who has had the support of their husband and he’s had to be the one to put his foot down and draw the line (boundaries)? Any suggestions on how this can be done? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. My husband and I will both be reading the comments.
I told hubby
he was upset but understood. I mean how can he blame me when his 20yr old son has never acknowledged me or our 2 toddlers, is a rude little shit who brags housework is a womans job including child rearing.
ss lives at home when not at university. He has never spoken to me in about 2 yrs, maybe more. Even elwith trying to disengage, hubby is still asking for my opinions how to address ss issues.
Disengaging doesn’t really
Disengaging doesn’t really work in that it isn’t a long term solution and it doesn’t actually typically resolve anything.
When you disengage you give one of 2 messages: a) I don’t really care about you or b) you can do what you want and I will just go do other things and you can just continue on.
if you are dead serious about the relationship all that disengaging will do generally is cause a rift and distance within the relationship. If you aren’t willing to fight to be heard, or if you are fighting and your DH/SO is refusing to listen try counselling and if that doesn’t work you have some hard choices to make.
You should not have to “disengage” within your own house. I get the concept fully, but are you going to spend the next 20 years disengaged?! Just ignoring everything that goes on all around you?! Sure this might work sometimes to get an immediate reaction but more often than not I just will cause even more problems.
And if you feel you must do it, don’t say you are or talk about it..,,
That’s just bullshit.
That’s just bullshit. Disengaged is often the perfect solution. Disengaging is what you want it to be. It is never the same thing. Disengaging from minor children is totally different from disengaging from adult skids.
I was more taking the
I was more taking the question as disengaging from your DH. For us DH is fully alienated.... so when i think of disengaging I think of it as myself disengaging from what he does. Which I don’t think works in our situation. I have tried disengaging from the talk of the legal battles, and all that crap BM pulls- and for me it still happened just I wasn’t having as much say.
I generally am not a fan of
I generally am not a fan of disengagement either. To me it is abdicating part of one's life and marriage. Not something I am willing to do, nor something that I can in all good consciousness recommend.
That is why I focus on the confrontation and destruction of toxic behaviors and in some cases toxic people. My perspective is that of zero tolerance for toxic crap. When people choose toxic behaviors I bring escalating painful consequences until they either amend their behaviors or... they just go away.
It works for me.