Opinion Time! BM wanting secrets kept from us
I would like your opinions:
This is the specific situation. Oldest SD FINALLY agreed to get her license but then backed out unexpectedly a couple weeks ago. She was asking to drive everywhere and then suddenly said no even when I offered. She wouldn't tell me why this sudden change.
I asked SS what her deal was yesterday and he said, "Well a while ago when we were at Mom's for visitation OSD clipped Mom's side mirror off and she had to duct tape it and pay for the other guy's headlight. Mom screamed at OSD for about 30min and has told OSD she is never driving her car or boyfriend's truck again."
I asked, "why didn't anyone tell DH and I when you guys came home?"
"Mom told us not to tell you guys. That it was none of your business."
So I told SS, "Ok, normally DH and I don't care what goes on at your mom's and we don't need to know, but this is something important that is affecting OSD a lot. Next time any of you are in any kind of accident we need to know about it, ok?"
I told DH and he talked to OSD about it. (Told her accidents happen, she is learning, that's what insurance is for, he totaled his first car less than 6months after he got it.) She drove to school with me this morning and said she is willing to take the licensing test again now.
BTW, we are not confronting BM about this-She is way too high conflict. The kids are old enough DH just let them all know, "hey this is important and isn't something you keep from me. I don't care about all the other piddly-crap"
So, opinions on BM wanting to be so secretive that we can't know OSD got into an accident on BM's time?
Isn't that important enough to share?
It effected her when she came
It effected her when she came back so yeh it is something that should have come up. But we know we can't trust bio moms so reassure kids- if something nb like this, tell us. Rest Is between you and mom.
Keep her practising with you and keep encouraging her to get lience. Always good skill to have. Now have you discussed if she will pay for a portion of insurance / own insurance/ own car/ etc
Best to get them sorted beforehand
Plenty of people have a "what
Plenty of people have a "what goes on at our house stays at our house" rule. Since SD wasn't hurt and what happened had no finacial impact on dad, then there isn't anything wrong with what mom's rule.
SS should have kept his mouth shut when you questioned him or simply told you to discuss it with his mother. If mom ever finds out he told you what happened, he may end up getting in trouble for disobeying her.
My younger SD18 got her first
My younger SD18 got her first car last fall. She is currently living with her grandparents on DH's side. (just basically, it's a good environment.. close to jobs and school).
This past winter, DH and I were down when it was snowing a bit. He was all ..ok.. honey.. why don't you drive the 4x4 a little and I will teach you to drive in the snow. She absolutely refused. She isn't usually so scaredy cat so we knew something was up.
Over the next few weeks we found out that some stuff had gone on. We found out in pieces as different people (GF of cousin, Wife of Dh's brother, Grandmother etc..) spilled various beans.
She was visiting with her BM and decided she wanted to go drive with her friend (separate cars) to her house. There wasn't a lot of snow.. but maybe an inch or two on the roads.. she has a 2wd pt cruiser.. Well, apparently.. both girls got to a hill and both ended up wrecking into the ditch.. they had to call the other girl's dad and he came and pulled them out.. but in the process of pulling out her friend's car ended up side swiping a tree. Then she went off the road again.. and he pulled her out again.
Her car was "fine" but not really since we found it was horribly out of alignment and she needed new tires. She didn't want her dad to know because she is 18 and didn't want a lecture..I mean, I understand, but my feeling is that if she wants to act all big girl pants adult, she needs to accept the consequences of her actions and admit things. Her mom had told her not to drive too (unusual sense there) but SD18 thinks she knows it all at that age..lol. To be fair.. didn't we all?
I don't think this is a big
I don't think this is a big deal, really.
Thing1 took out the entire side of Money-Ka's Mercedes SUV. I didn't find out about it until a few weeks later. I didn't care. Wasn't my car. Thing1 wasn't allowed to drive at Asshat's for a while. Meh - dad's house, dad's rules. Was totally fine with me.
The kid hit a mirror. Not a human. Not an animal. Not a bus stop full of people. Who cares??
Totally fine with this staying at mom's - doesn't impact dad or dad's house. At all...
I'm on the fence here a
I'm on the fence here a little bit RE "secrets". We had a problem with Skids running back to BM and basically repeating everything that was said or done (usually not correctly as retold stories will go). We told the kids that we expect that they will not share every little thing with mom. It's not necessarily keeping secrets but when things get taken out of context.. and BM is psycho.. it just didn't add up. Plus, if we appeared to have "money" or bought something.. BM thought it was a good idea to threaten with going back to court. In fact, we even told the girls that a vacation home we bought was done with money from my dad.. not from any money of our own so that she wouldn't be sharpening her knives..lol.
If it is something that isn't major or impacting the health or safety of the kids, there is no reason to keep repeating stuff back and forth to mom and dad. So.. yeah.. what happens in our house stays in our house and what happens at BM can stay there.. until the impact of that "thing" spills over to the other household.
So, while it's not really so much secret keeping is that not everyone has to know EVERYTHING.. lol
We have never told the kids
We have never told the kids they can't repeat something to BM. Ever. That isn't a battle we choose to fight. But we also don't ask the kids prying questions about their weekend because BM has said, "none of their business" before.
This is a line we feel strongly about only because DH is primary parent, DH will be paying for her vehicle, paying for insurance, DH and I take her driving most of the time(on permit, yes). And in our state with our insurance until a minor gets their license all accidents are on the licensed adult in the vehicle with her.(I made sure to check with our insurance company when OSD first turned 15 and first started learning.)
After discussing with DH why BM was so secretive about it we figured it was probably because BM doesn't have good insurance, had to pay for the other guys truck out of pocket, and didn't report it to her insurance because she didn't want the ding on her own license and insurance.
But all of that we could give a shit about. We are more concerned with OSD self-esteem and not being scared to get back behind the wheel, learning from her mistakes, and getting her license before she leaves for college in less than a month.
And yes, in response, we have
And yes, in response, we have talked to OSD about getting a part-time job in college, budgeting, saving...she is going to pay for all her own gas money and all her own "going out" money and DH and I are completely funding her college as long as she shows us she is applying for scholarships and keeping her grades up.
BM is not in the college, car, or insurance discussion.(Her choice)
I specifically said we are
I specifically said we are not confronting BM because she is high conflict.
DH does feel that one of his children causing property damage (which is a kind of hurting someone else) to another person should be his business. Whether it was intentional or not.
Meh, I can't say either of
Meh, I can't say either of you are wrong here. BM is her mother and is justified in her decision that the child isn't ready based on her experience at her home. That being said, if you want to encourage her to drive with you at your house then that is fine. Different strokes for different folks. Don't try to make this complicated and overreact, no one was hurt and from the sounds of your post the only damage done to SD was her lose in confidence. You want to help her learn how to drive then do it! Nothing is stopping you from letting her use YOUR car, but even after she gets her license BM doesn't have to let her use her car.