GF is beginning to Resent Daughter and vise versa
My daughter (12) is a good kid. For the most part she is polite and nice. We are silly together. She has her problems, she struggles in school, but it is getting better. She does not care about girly things, likes to wear the same hoodie and fandom t-shirts. My GF (been together 1.5 years and just moved in 5 months ago) is loving and caring. She has an idealized idea what a daughter should be and my daughter is not it. My GF does not like how she dresses and thinks she should be more girly. She likes to keep everything spotless, my daughter does her best (learning disabilities and a distaste for school) but not always to the GF standards. My GF thinks she should do better in school and thinks I’m too soft one her. I can crack the whip, I work with the school and while it has improved…a “C” grade is not acceptable to the GF.
I know that I am not a perfect dad, but I feel that I am a good dad. If I defend my daughter she says I put her before our relationship. Maybe I am.
My daughter gives her attitude because she feels like it is unfair and sometimes because she is a pre-teen. She can be a bit ungrateful unless reminded. I call her out when she is being disrespectful (even give her a good grounding) but the GF said I need to do more….but the GF/Daughter relationship is degrading fast.
My GF said she would just step back and the peace was restored but there is still resentment. She said if we have a kid she would not parent like I do, it feel like a backhanded insult. Her comments about what I could do come off more as criticism than opinions to me.
I thought this would all be easier. Outside of the blended family stress the relationship is good…but I get the feeling it won’t work.
You've only got one daughter,
You've only got one daughter, but you can get another girlfriend. Keep being a good dad. Allow your daughter to be the best "her" that she can be ... "C" grades, hoodies and all.
Protect her from GF's resentment, belittling comments and foolish assumptions. GF's ideas sound more like they're all about CONTROL and not about the good of the child.
Stay true to yourself, and watch out for an "ooppsie" baby.
I lol when I hear things like
I lol when I hear things like this:
"I LOL when people say, if they had kids they would do things differently. Or when parents of toddlers say they would not let teens to X,Y, Z."
My question to you is do you have to be homeless to have an opinion on the subject matter? I think not and do you have to have done drugs to understand addiction or be a car mechanic to know about cars? SMH.
I hope you aren't one of
I hope you aren't one of those SMs who gets her undies in a twist when people who are not stepmoms give their opinions on step issues.
Every single thing posted
Every single thing posted here is one sided.
OP, take a look at Cherrygirl's blog. Some SMs really are crazy/evil.
"She does not care about
"She does not care about girly things, likes to wear the same hoodie and fandom t-shirts. My GF (been together 1.5 years and just moved in 5 months ago) is loving and caring. She has an idealized idea what a daughter should be and my daughter is not it. My GF does not like how she dresses and thinks she should be more girly."
Anyone else want to bet that this is a Biodad's retelling of GF suggesting that the skid shouldn't wear the same hoodie for six months in a row without washing it and offering to buy her new clothes or even volunteering some of her own (which were too "Girly" for the skidmarks taste)?
Exactly what I thought too!
Exactly what I thought too! As I said in my post, I now know why we are all on here!!!
Why can't the story be just
Why can't the story be just what the guy posted? The GF may be the problem here. Not every SM is Glenda the Good Witch. There a awful BMs, SKs, dads and SM. This chick may be one of them.
Wow I always wondered what
Wow I always wondered what goes on in the heads of the men we date and marry and now we know. No wonder we are all on here.
First, wears the same hoodies and t shirts all the time - how long a time ? Is a hoodie worn two days and then washed or is it worn two months and not washed? Maybe your girlfriend is suggesting you don't let your daughter be filthy- I don't know, only you do and I don't know if you can be that honest with yourself
Now this disrespectful behaviour - THERE IS NO REASON SHE SHOULD BE DISRESPECTFUL- either step up and stop it or break up with your girlfriend. Don't put this woman through hell because you are afraid to be a parent and hurt your precious lil pre teens feelings
Also the perhaps greatest testament to your poor parenting - she is ungrateful unless reminded - to everyone here who is not you this translates as UNGRATEFUL SPOILT BRAT- she is a preteen and she can't SAY THANK YOU. I have a two year old cousin who can say please and thank you without reminders. you should be ASHAMED of yourself - you have SPOLIT AND RUNINED your child.
Now think long and hard- those things you get criticised for - could it actually be cause you are a bad parent who leaves his daughter spoilt and smelly? Could it be that the girlfriend is potentially *gasp* right?
If you want to fix this:
Read every post on this board you can lay your hands on
Read step monster and mini wife syndrome
Read everything on guilty daddy syndrome
Sit down with your girlfriend and set out a list of things important to you in terms of harmony
the disrespect to your girl friend stops effective immediately
And teach your daughter some god dam manners and hygiene
If you can not do these things and feel they will upset precious too much and you will not be her special daddy - kins anymore as a result, then you are a lazy guilty daddy who does not deserve your girlfriend and would rather do your daughter a disservice than parent. Break up with this girl and let her go enjoy her life. You deserve to be alone until you prove you can get it together to parent- no need to make anyone else unhappy cause you would prefer your daughter dirty and smelly and to make excuses for her
I wasn't actually going to write a post. The others have it covered. But ungrateful shites of children and there parents who can't teach them please and thank you are my pet hate.
I do hope you step up and take off the rose tinted glasses. If you can't be kind to your girlfriend and let her go
Bah ha ha - oh Sally what I
Bah ha ha - oh Sally what I wouldn't give to have your way of putting things lol
Hands clapping!! Loud
Hands clapping!!
Loud cheering!!
I straddle the fence on this
I straddle the fence on this one. On one hand if your GF is THE one then she and the relationship should take precidence over anyting else including children. Children are the top responsibility in a marriage where there are kids involved... regardless of kid biology. However, the relationship and the partners should be each others only top priority.
As for kid performance... I tend to be less of a tolerant kinda guy and more of a perform or bear the consequences of failing to perform kinda guy. Sure, some kids have developmental issues though IMHO most are just capitalising on poor parenting when it comes to less than acceptable behavior and underperformance.
I would say you have a decision to make. Step up your parenting and your expectations of your daughter and commit to the current relationship or .... find a new GF, start that process over again, and live with the outcome of maintaining your parental status quo.
Good luck.
I think your GF would be
I think your GF would be better suited for a man with no kids.
Most women are better suited
Most women are better suited for a man with no kids, so that's no reflection on the gf. Being with a man with kids is HARD work, especially if you don't have any kids of your own. In my experience, it's mostly difficult because of unclear expectations and unfair double-standards. I'd suggest the OP take a hard look at his relationship and his behavior toward his gf when dd12 is around. I know my DH used to get so tense and curt in the days before and during a skid visit...almost like he turned off all emotion toward me. Then I started dreading skid visits because the one time I most needed to feel like a team with my husband...I felt cut off and like an outsider instead. Of course, he was tense and moody...but if I got tense, moody, expressed any sense of foreboding about skid visits, I was accused of hating his kids, resenting them. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I got along with the skids fine. It was the DH I couldn't handle during these visits. We have since talked this out and we make sure to go out and spend time together the night before a skid visit and again the night after they leave. This is our way of connecting, gearing up for the visit, making sure we're on the same page. But it took us a while to get here...and for me to be able to adequately and clearly express my true feelings and concerns to my DH in a way he could hear them.
OP...ask yourself. Do I physically or emotionally go absent from my gf while my daughter is here? Do I allow my gf to have a say in our daily activities while my daughter is here? Or does DD dictate all choices...entertainment, food, activities, etc. Do I sit around and talk only to my DD about things in our shared past that exclude gf? Or does gf also get a turn in the conversation? If my gf expresses an opinion about my DD's behavior (i.e. she should pick up after herself) do I get defensive? Do I have double-standards in my expectations? For example, do I tell my gf that she is not to parent my daughter if she tries any amount of discipline or even tries to maintain a little order in the home...but then expect gf to drive daughter places, entertain her, cook for her, etc? Do I start films or evening TV with my DD while my gf is still cleaning up after dinner? Or do I wait for her to finish up or, better yet, insist that everyone help out together? Do I sit with my DD or my gf while we're watching TV? Do I make plans that affect my gf without telling her first? Am I subconsciously expecting her to feel the same way about my daughter as I do? Am I burdening her with this expectation?
I could go on. These are all issues that I have faced and had to work through in my own marriage. I think it's very common for men to expect the women they love to just naturally and easily accept and love their kids...without them having to do any work to help make that happen, and without them doing anything to make sure the kids accept the new SM...without them even including the new SM most of the time. It's one big happy blended family when that's what the dad wants, it's me and MY kids when that's what he wants...and new SM better just get on board.
I think it's incredibly unreasonable for your gf to criticize your daughter's clothing choices...if that's really what's happening then she is controlling and needs to go. But, if you love her, think she's the one to marry, then please ask yourself some of these questions. Maybe she's nitpicky about your daughter because it's easier for her than talking to you about the things that are really bothering her. Bottom line...no woman likes to feel like an indentured servant to some other woman's kids. No woman likes to feel like her thoughts, opinions, feelings, and needs don't matter when your kids are around. No woman likes to have her time disrespected or likes to live a life of unclear boundaries and unfair expectations. And, no. Women aren't naturally more nurturing and don't naturally love all kids. They love their own kids.
Most women are better suited
Most women are better suited for a man with no kids, so that's no reflection on the gf.
Her behavior is the reflection. She is the GF of 1 1/2 years, has been living there only 5 months and is going to tell him how to be a dad? Tell his daughter how to dress? What grades she should be making in school?
She should move back out and really just be the GF or find someone else.
OP, how controlling do you thing she is going to be if you actually get married?
Maybe. We're only hearing his
Maybe. We're only hearing his side...and even in his telling it sounds like his daughter is spoiled, lazy, and rude, despite how he tries to pretty it up. He said one thing about the gf that, on the surface, sounds unreasonable (She criticizes his daughter's clothing choices...but we don't know how she criticizes or to whom. Maybe she's only mentioned it in passing to her partner and it hurt his feelings.) He mentioned about five things about his daughter and his parenting style that would be hard to live with.
As I said above...A LOT can be going on under the surface when your SO is unhappy, which is why I gave the OP some questions to think about. I don't think that he sounds like a terrible dad or a terrible partner, but other people don't see our kids and our parenting the way we do. Some of these things are probably issues that the OP has never even considered. My DH is, overall, a fantastic dad and partner...but every question I listed comes from personal experience. It's just that we were able to talk and come to an understanding about these things.
As I also said...if after some reflection, soul-searching, and honest personal evaluation he can truly say that his gf is being controlling and unreasonable, then she should be shown the door. He doesn't need to put himself or his daughter into a long-term relationship with someone who can't be made happy.
At one point in my
At one point in my relationship I had to sit with two skids that smelled so bad I had to spray my finger with body spray and hold it under my nose to kill the smell. If he is leaving out the full story which is that kid actually stinks then....?? GF should just live with a stinky kid or what?? Doesn't it take compromise in a relationship?
I haven't read any previous
I haven't read any previous comments. I just wanted to share with you that my daughter (12 y/o) is/was in your daughter's shoes. My ex DH has lived with his GF for 3 years now. She has no parenting experience. She gets onto my daughter for anything and everything. Nothing my daughter does is ever good enough it seems for her and she constantly criticizes my ex DH on his lack of parenting skills. My daughter saw this constant criticism and it put a huge strain on her relationship with her father and the GF. They all constantly fought. Now she never goes to visit her dad (he lives hours away, but use to see him every weekend b/c we would make it work). She only sees him when he is in town for work which means never around the GF. That's maybe one night a month for dinner. My daughter clammed up for months and had so much self doubt and felt she was never good enough for the GF. She feels that her dad CHOSE the GF over her. She has a lot of resentment and now clings to my fiance for what she's missing from her own dad. It saddens her dad but he gets it and understands. He's trying to make a mends but he still has the GF and probably always will since she claims they are getting married. Him and his GF are now in counseling "because of the kids" and the GF is finding out that she herself is the root of the problem. My daughter and the GF have zero relationship anymore. The GF texts my daughter and she does respond sometimes, but when she does, it's very short responses and to the point. There's no convo.
I highly suggest family counseling. Your GF needs to learn to pick her battles. She can't mold your daughter into something she's not.
Good luck.
This is a tough one since we
This is a tough one since we are not sure if he is a disney daddy, daughter is a mini-wife or GF is controlling and unreasonable.
Depending on the root of the problem my advice would vary. Perhaps couple counseling would help.
Sounds like GF should butt out about grades and clothing - really not her concern. Tidying up after herself and being respectful are basic foundations for a peaceful home.
Think long and hard about what the real issue is - then talk to your GF.
The 3 things that stand out
The 3 things that stand out to me...
1: Attitude. Any time a CHILD gives attitude to an adult, it should be addressed and nipped in the bud. Respect is the name of the game.
2: Grades. A 'C' is Average. Sometimes you study like crazy and do your best and Average is the best you can do. I see nothing wrong with some Average.
3: Girly things. Your gf needs to back the eff off. SHE doesn't think YOUR daughter is girly enough? Tough gazongas. This really hits a sore spot with me. I was a tomboy growing up and played sports well into my 30s. SO WHAT if your daughter likes hoodies and isn't into dresses?
Totally agree with what others have said: tell your gf she is not the parent. Respect and things that affect the home are one thing. Girly things are NOT (facking princess BS). Wear condoms that YOU buy and keep in a secure place or you might become a daddy again.
Wow, I'm getting ripped up
Wow, I'm getting ripped up here...so a few things.
My Daughter always says Please and Thank you...I would have it no other way. The ungrateful aspect more comes from the expectation of what my GF thinks should happen after something is done for her. If she has taken her someplace she expects it to have a lasting impact. Like we went camping which we all enjoyed, but since my daughter did not really talk about it after word my GF felt she did not appreciate the camping trip. If you were to ask my daughter she would say she had a great time but does not volunteer that information.
I know my GF would like more recognition for somethings and I remind my daughter to mention form time to time.
As for attitude. I always call her on it. I understand what is appropriate and what is not. I know pre-teens and teens can get snippy and I have sent her to her room or taken her phone away many times for attitude.
My daughter does wash her hoodie weekly...it is in the house rules.
This is the rules my GF wrote for my daughter. I have her 1/2 time (W,Th one week and W,Th, F, S, Sun the next):
Here are amended house rules:
House rules:
Always talk with respect.
Clean up after yourself.
Ask to be excused from the dinner table.
No Phones at the dinner table.
Do not play in the living room.
Only draw and color in the craft room.
Bed time is 9:30 PM.
Set your Alarm.
Shower and brush your teeth daily.
Do your homework before screen time.
One hour of educational TV and then you are allowed one hour of approved shows or screen time.
Chores:
Make your bed every day.
Take Garbage to the Curb on Thursdays.
Vacuum every Thursday & Saturday
Do your Laundry every Saturday
Dishes 1x-3x per week; this could mean loading or unloading the dishwasher or hand washing, depending on what is needed
Keep your room picked up: dirty clothes inside the hamper, trash disposed (floors and under bed and in drawers), everything back in its place when not in use.
Open the blinds and curtains in your room daily.
I think it is a bit much, but it is what keeps the peace. Any violation of the rules and she loses Screen time or her phone. For the most part she keeps up but at time she misses one here and there which infuriates her (like a clothes tag of forgot to open the curtains).
We work everyday on improving her grades, I had disabilities learning growing up, so I know how she struggles.
I didn't rip on you, but your
I didn't rip on you, but your gf seriously needs to back off. Your daughter is not HER daughter. It does not matter how your gf would raise a child. She can make whatever changes she deems necessary when SHE has a child.
Did your daughter say "Thank you" for the camping trip? If so, that is ENOUGH. Your gf is the problem to expect continued gratification afterwards. Because what if your daughter did NOT enjoy camping?? Saying thank you is sufficient and does not hurt fee-fees. Except apparently in your gf's case. So I'm ripping on your gf; not you.
If the GF doesn't have kids
If the GF doesn't have kids of her own, she may have a completely unrealistic idea of what a 12 yo girl should and shouldn't be.
Re being Girly.. that is ridiculous. As long as the girl is learning to be hygiene appropriate does it matter whether she likes jeans or dresses and whether she cares about Kardashian lips?
Re grades. Again, as the parent, YOU understand what your child's capabilities are. Unless the feedback from the school is that the girl is being LAZY then what you are doing is probably fine. Not everyone is capable of being an A student. BTW, sometimes the rearview mirror can be a little fuzzy. I ran across some of my old report cards and my grades weren't quite as great as I thought they were!
Respect/Thankfulness. What does she expect? Does she think the child is going to constantly and repeatedly talk about how lucky she is to go on trips and get clothes etc? No, kids learn to say thank you but most pretty much take for granted that their parents are giving them things. My SD's would say thanks for things, but not go on and on about it. (actually at 9 and 5, they didn't do that well, but they did get better with age).
I would chalk some of this up to the people that are so ready to give advice. If I had a child, he/she would never have a tantrum in the grocery store. I will reason with my child etc... Of course, in reality kids/parents/situations aren't textbook and textbook remedies don't always work!
Your GF is an ass and you
Your GF is an ass and you need to check her. It's not her place to set a bed time for your kid,(I think 9:30 is early for a 12 year old.)decide what she can or can not watch on TV.
Why in the world does she care if the curtains and blinds in your kid's room are closed or not???
No wonder your daughter is starting to resent this nut.
Echo nailed it. Your GF is trying to break your daughter. It's your responsibility to protect your child from the crazy women you decide to date. If GF moved into your home, having her move out may be the best thing. You can continue to date her (or not)until you find a woman who isn't interested in beating a 12 year old kid down.
...your girlfriend is a
...your girlfriend is a b*tch.
I heart you right now. Go tell this woman that her hubby needs to p*ss off.
https://www.steptalk.org/node/228650#comment-1803515
The nookie must be
The nookie must be something...
EXACTLY OP please be care
EXACTLY
OP please be care with this one. The last thing you need is for the nut job to pop up pregnant.
How does your GF define
How does your GF define "educational tv?" Is there an approved list of shows?
Why do the blinds and curtains have to be open in the bedroom? I can see opening the
window to let in fresh air - but who cares if the curtains are open? It seems an odd thing to get "infuriated" about.
Any thing that feeds the
Any thing that feeds the mind, such as documentary's on music, earth, cosmos. I do agree that TV can be fun, interesting and educational. My daughter loves Fandom shows like Dr. Who. I always check to make sure they are not too grown up.
My GF worked hard with out the support of her family to become a Doctor. she puts a high value on education and hard work. I share that value. My daughter struggles and she dislikes school, its hard for her. I don't let her give up and I am always encouraging her to do her best and I help. My GF thought she could be a mentor or someone she could look up too being a successful woman.
We have started to go to family therapy but I am running out of steam.
The Blinds and curtains...I moved into her house (which was way larger than mine). She likes to have the house open and light. Not dark and gloomy. She says it makes the house feel warmer and pleasant.
Educational TV is great.
Educational TV is great. But, not all kids are going to want to watch exclusively "educational" TV. There is a time and place for Kale and Candy Corn.
I understand a little bit about her liking it bright in the home but why does the girl's room have to be that way. Maybe your daughter prefers it less bright? Maybe bright makes it more difficult to study or read her computer? Sometimes picking our battles is important.
Stuff happening in the kid's room doesn't have to be a battle unless it is a safety or health concern. Ok, I will admit, I made my Skids get in the habit of making their bed and putting their clothes away but I never actually looked under the bed or in the drawers to see if stuff was folded nicely. lol. The child needs to be able to be a child and not being neat as a pin is ok. Not everyone is!
It's great that your GF is super smart and worked hard. What she may not get is that your daughter may be really smart and work hard but not get the same results because she is smart about different things or learns differently.
"My GF thought she could be a
"My GF thought she could be a mentor or someone she could look up too being a successful woman."
She so should be careful about this. Successful woman can mean so many things.
The world needs both Dr's and Ditch Diggers (not saying your child will be either).
Just because your daughter doesn't end up being a DR. doesn't mean she may not be successful. Not everyone is able to excel academically.
For your daughter, maybe success will be going to college? Maybe your daughter will be more interested in becoming a Master Plumber or Electrician? Maybe she will be happy being a wife and mother and raising happy children.
In the end, isn't happiness subjective? There are plenty of people out there that are a success financially, but are miserable.
You have pretty well explained that your daughter has problems in school. Does your GF really think that 5 months of her being this epic role model is all of a sudden going to make your daughter better in school? Does she really think your kid enjoys getting worse grades than her peers despite the fact that she is putting in effort and others don't? Your child is not struggling in school because she is willful, it is because it isn't as naturally easy as it may have been for the GF. Ok, she put herself through school or whatever but if she had the natural raw ability, she didn't have the barriers to learning your kid does and it isn't fair to measure her by her own personal yardstick.
This information just shared:
This information just shared: you moved in to your GF house 5 months ago changes the whole situation to me.
Your GIRLFRIEND moved in FIVE
Your GIRLFRIEND moved in FIVE months ago. She is way overstepping. Why are you letting her?
Yes, I didn't realize that he
Yes, I didn't realize that he and his daughter moved in with her, since his post clarifying that was after my post.
Doesn't matter, she is still overstepping.
Dishes 1x-3x per week; this
Dishes 1x-3x per week; this could mean loading or unloading the dishwasher or hand washing, depending on what is needed (Up to you)
I don't get this, I will not come home from a day of work to a kitchen full of dishes to do that I had nothing to do with making. Why wouldn't child have to help clean up if GF is probably doing all the cooking? Is this dude letting all the slack of 2 extra people moving in with the GF land on her shoulders and she is pissed???
He moved in with the
He moved in with the girlfriend how could he expect that she wouldn't have some rules in how HER home would run? Yes the list is long but how could HE have not gone over this before moving in?
I had MY rules when SO moved in with me and his skids came over. Things like no drinks or food in bedrooms, he enforces MY rules but we talked about it before hand so there were no surprises. But of course there were still surprises anyway, now we have a rule that gum isn't to be stored on the shower wall and the shower head (removable kind) doesn't mean you spray the entire ceiling of the bathroom but these talks and additions to rules all come from him as I steadily drink wine in my closet. ;)I also didn't know that the skids would ruin all my couch pillows by pulling off the sequins but now I put them up before they come over. I didn't know the skids would go days without showering when we made the rules so yes there have been some additions as we've all grown.
My guess it this lady is highly successful, did it by herself, her house is beautiful, spotless and this homely, not grateful kid (which is okay bc all of you with 12 yo say it is okay to be like this) moved in and GF is having a hard time sharing her space.
It is a huge adjustment for all of them. My guess is that time will fix it. I can say as a successful single person that going out to eat with 2 smelly, ill clothed children is not high on my list (I will not go with them) so maybe GF is just not in to a unfavorably dressed child. I say time might fix it bc now my SO notices before I do if we are leaving to eat and they aren't presentable, he cures it if he wants me to go.
As a parent, some of those
As a parent, some of those rules/expectations I agree with, some I don't.
GF should be able to set expectations for the common areas of her home, as well as expecting no dishes/food in DD's bedroom. The rest wrt the BR? Close the door. I'd roll my eyes at the "coloring/drawing in craft room only" - why can't kid use colored pencils in her BR? Sure, no paint or markers (or pastels), but.... I had a no phones at meals rule. And yes on the respect.
Homework before tv.... a lot depends on the kid. One of mine preferred to sit down and get it done immediately, while the other really needed some down time. Luckily both of my kids were pretty good students, but my expectation was less for specific grades, and more that they made their best effort. If a C was the best they could do in a particular subject, I could accept that. If they could get a B/A- w/o trying? I'd expect greater effort for a higher grade.
The tv thing.... Kiddo's going to be somewhat limited if she is restricted to solely "educational"-type programs. Yes, check that a show is age-appropriate, but let her watch some more mainstream stuff. She needs some respite from the "it must be educational" mantra.
The dishes/vacuuming/laundry.... Yes, she should be expected to clean up after herself. If she makes herself something, she should clean up. Other household chores.... I listed them, and sat down with the kids. They understood that these were things that needed to be done on a regular basis, and we had two choices - we could share the burden and there would be time to do fun stuff. Or, they could leave it to me and there wouldn't be time. We ended up divvying up the list according to ability. And if something came up for one (heavy homework, exams, etc.) the other two would pick up the slack.
I think your GF should step back some, but you need to step up.
I agree 100% with Jasper.
I agree 100% with Jasper. This situation sounds A LOT like mine! Even down to the hoodie and shirts. Washing a hoodie once a week? C'mon dude. That is smelly. A 12 year old girl that might have DECENT hygiene is still going to smell if a hoodie is washed only once a week. I bet you this little girl, like my SD12, doesn't use soap, doesn't wash her private parts, forgets to use deodorant, doesn't wash her hair well at all and doesn't mind going around looking like Curt Cobain's love child. And I bet she lies when asked if she does these things. Like Jasper's POTATO, I have a lot of issues with her bad habits. Mine is disgusting. She stinks. It is an embarrassment. This GF of this clueless guy (sorry) sounds like she wants some order in her home. I am sure she didn't bargain for a stinky, under-raised, under-achieving child as a package for loving her man. Aside from maybe the educational TV, I think the GF is not totally unreasonable, but even that I feel that the GF is trying to act in her best interest. I am wiling to give the GF the benefit of the doubt that she is not a sadist and probably is just trying to do what she thinks is best for the girl whom she views as having no skills or rules taught to her thus far. GF does sound like a no nonsense hard driven person, and since she is a doctor that makes a lot of sense. Problem is though that the SD apparently is a different caliber. Not driven. Slovenly. This type of person is the complete opposite to the GF and type of person that makes GF's skin crawl. Again, MY SITUATION.
I have discovered that the things that bother me the most about my SD are the things that affect me directly. HER SMELL....it permeates my home. HER MESSY WAYS...even in her room....its still my house...and well, my room, that I allow her to occupy. I know she is not Martha Stewart but at least make some sort of effort. PICKING UP AFTER HERSELF AND NOT LEAVING HER STUFF ABOUT....common courtesy and not too much to ask.
The rest I don't care about.
She dresses like a grungy boy. Homely as shite. I don't care how she dresses as long as she is clean. Is the "Grungy Boy" look a good one for her? No, but that is her problem. Her life. And she might get pushback from her peers or not.
She is lazy, unmotivated and not a self starter. Again, not my problem. Good luck to her in her life and if my husband doesn't want to step up and help her to thrive, well then its all on him.
She gets marginal grades. I don't care. Not my kid, not my problem.
She acts helpless and can never find anything. I don't care. I am not going to help her. That is my husband's problem.
She is manipulative and a liar. My husband sees it as a phase. As long as that does not directly affect me or my home, I really don't care. I fully believe that if you don't discipline your kids now, the police will do it for you later so I wouldn't be surprised to get a knock at the door one day ( if I were to stick around, which I am not planning on at this point).
One thing I will say is that this poor guy really opened up a pandora's box of comments to his thread. At least he has something to think about. I feel more sorry for the GF. God help her. I hope she does not marry him like I did mine. Please GOD let her be smart enough not to do that.
I don't believe in STEP PARENTS or STEP FAMILIES or STEP ANYTHING. I would never marry a person with a kid again. I think people who have kids should just date rather than shack up or worse, get married. I am sorry. I know this is jaded and perhaps I am. NO offense to my brothers and sisters on this site who are making a good go of it and are happy. I just think that more often than not it doesn't seem to be successful and people are miserable and it really does end up being toxic.