BM wants to relocate 800 miles away without SKs
BM revealed Wednesday that she wants to move 800 miles away and she wanted to see if we could come to some kind of agreement to stay out of court. She's considering this because she said she's been offered her dream job and she doesn't want to waste money in court. There was also a long sob story about how unhappy she is with her job and the town we live in but ultimately this is a career move. She actually had DH and I come over to her house and discuss this in their dining room with her and her husband. (Kids were only around the corner watching a movie -- seemed really inappropriate to have that conversation within their earshot.) She's making overtures that she's seriously considering moving away and leaving twin SS/SD7 here with us. Our 50/50 arrangement might change dramatically.
She's requested that we try to get a place within the next school district so the kids don't have to change schools. We've grown out of our house and BM was already aware we were casually on the market so she's asking us to narrow the timetable.
Last time she wanted to move, there was a relocation hearing -- she won but couldn't sell her rather expensive house so nothing changed. What has changed since then is our 50/50 arrangement has moved to DH's favor.
She's been acting strange for a while. A few months ago, I convinced DH to see a new attorney (last one really let us down) just to chat about things while there wasn't a serious issue. He was pretty reluctant at the time but now he's pleased we did.
Part of me is pleased she wouldn't be in our town and that SKs will be here. I've been SM since they were in diapers and we are very close. (I hear the stories on here and worry about when/if our good fortune will change... But I'm also a constant worrier.) Another part of me is not looking forward to taking on SKs full time and sad that BM would just leave them like that. I'm not really sure how she's going to sell her house, either. It's a $400,000.00 property in an area where the average home price is closer to $100,000.00 (or less).
This is all very surreal.
I was going to suggest the
I was going to suggest the same thing! Would definitely add stability for the kids, and if you're house hunting anyway...and this house would meet your needs...sounds like a workable deal!
Warning!Warning!Warning! It
Warning!Warning!Warning!
It appears that BM has the power in your situation. BM is not tuned in to her children. She thinks by having them in the same school will make up for her selfishness to get her dream job by abandoning her kids? DH and you are supporting this selfish wild scheme so she can feel fulfilled in life!
She is manipulating you with insidious influences. Your words were.."She actually had DH and I come over"...
The classic..What About ME! She evokes your kind sympathy by playing the victim. You wrote " how unhappy she is with her job and the town we live in but ultimately this is a career move. She actually had DH and I come over to her house and discuss this in their dining room with her and her husband. (Kids were only around the corner watching a movie -- seemed really inappropriate "...Hell yes that is borderline mental abuse! You are aware of those kids.You seem to have to put a broomstick behind DH.
ALWAYS GET IT IN LEGAL DOCUMENTS!!Think long term..you will never regret it!
She will have her happy life then whimsically miss her kids and suddenly expect them to move!Hell NO! Or she will cry about it and you will find yourself paying for plane tickets for the kids. HELL NO!
BM has unfinished business and the responsibility to be a MOTHER TO HER KIDS.HOLD HER ACCOUNTABLE Do not support her abandonment of the kids. Why does she get her happy life and leave her kids to the crap she/DH created? Her idea of keeping the kids at the same school does not make up for her following her selfish desires. No, BM must deal with the fallout. Lots of people hate their job..but her priority is the job of a mother!
I really hope you see that BM has an influence over you. Keep all contact businesslike..meet in public places..legal documents...and record all conversations.( it is legal in my state if only one person is aware)..I record a lot of stuff bc I never have to do the He said..she said...and I record doc visit so I can make sure I get instructions correct.
One last thing..read the book Boundaries...."fences make good neighbors"
I'm actually going to suggest
I'm actually going to suggest you don't buy BMs house, even if she sells it to you for $50, unless you guys resell it. It's very important for your family to have their own home and space. If you live in a mans space, one he has prior to being with you, it's his space and always will be to some extent no matter how long you're there. Basically you're moving into the skids house, they'll maybe view it more as theirs than yours and that could be problematic. This may be true for BM too. I'f never buy that house, I'd be afraid of drop by's and walk ins, etc. BM knowing what goes where in my home. Her feeling a sense of entitlement there and just plain dominance over the space.
I agree that it sounds like BM sets the pace, rules, and boundaries. No way would I go to BMs house to discuss something she needs to talk about, especially with the skids within ear shot. I would've met in a neutral location, like a park where the skids can play while we stand away and chat so we can see they aren't being nosy, etc. Also agree with get it documented. She doesn't have money for court, but has it for a big move? & please keep in mind what's actually best for the skids? Is the BM unstable? Bc if not, skids are always better off with their BMs, just my opinion, unless BM is a nutter. A move can be good for kids, they make new friends, learn how to pick themselves up and start over again. Also what's wrong with the skids going back and forth? I get that you don't mind having them FT, but is that what's best for them? I'm not judging, just giving you something to think about. I don't see why 50/50 can't still take place, just more space between the 50/50. & you know she's going to change her mind and want them back at some point probably? So for sure go over this with a lawyer.
& keep yourself in mind as well. What responsibilities will you be taking on? Are you willing to take that on? Forever or the next however many years? If there are doubts in your mind, don't say yes. Think of some problems that may come up? These skids are young right? What happens if they become disrespectful? Will you still be ok with it? Not telling you what to do, just saying really think it through before you agree to this, because you and your man don't owe her a thing, including this move. & oh h no, to BM telling me I need to move anywhere. No bloody way. So she gets to move where she wants and then tells you where to move too? Ugh ugh.
Agreed. I moved into my DH's
Agreed. I moved into my DH's home that he had since he was in college. It was ALSO the home for his first marriage... and even after I took all of the first wife photos off the wall and stored them in a box in the garage, it didn't feel like MY HOME for years.
I would also look very soberly at all the the extra duties you will need to take on. The teenage years have been hellish.
Best to you.
I did the same thing, moved
I did the same thing, moved into my Hs house. We just moved out and I'm so glad for it. I can't even imagine wanting to live in BMs space, plus if it does go bad it's a house, you're kind of stuck financially and moving is a pain in the butt. I wouldn't do it and I think if she would sell the house for less to them, it'd be with the idea in her mind that she'd have some sort of power and control. She's not going to sell a house for significantly less, just because she's moving. She doesn't have money for court, but she's going to take a huge hit on the house? I don't see it happening and turning out smoothly.
Yeah my husbands ex tried to
Yeah my husbands ex tried to come I. My house when I first met her and dictate my life involving her kids..husband on has one kid with her. Trust me, when she left I gave dh a ear full. Now, she doesn't step foot in my yard and her other child doesn't come over here either. I now have a my way and std respects me in my home. You gotta demand what you want OR ELSE LoL if the wife isn't happy then no body is! And I do not go over to her house.. It's not my style and everything works out
Truth be known, she's probably In debt and about to loose her home and lying about dream job. I have noticed when ex h wife lies or something sounds great in her life to the point of her trying to rub In our faces or on Facebook (after she tags her daughters page where we can see) , it's a big lie to make herself look good. Dh ex has lied so many times about moving far away in hopes he will leave me and follow her.
Offer to purchase the home
Offer to purchase the home for $100K. Let her go. Ensure that she signs over full legal and physical custody to your DH before the door knob hits her in the ass on her way out the door.
Make sure DH nails her ass to the CS wall and get a massive chunk of her new dream job salary in CS.
To get what she wants.... you, DH, and the Skids should get a big, big, big win.
I wouldn't want BM's house.
I wouldn't want BM's house. BM stamp lurking throughout. I'd also not want to purchase any home in that district if it's not an area already under consideration.
Totally agree with CS. CO change with CS, BM paying travel for visitation, locked in agreement on medical, extracurricular activities, blah blah.
I see no difference between this BM moving away and 'dumping' her children on Dad (not SM, DAD) than when a father moves away.
The role of SM should not be expected to change to mother. OP should not be expected by her husband to do or be anything more than what their current roles and participation is. The kids are the parent responsibility and in this case that means Dad.
I wouldn't buy her house
I wouldn't buy her house either. It will never feel like yours and both BM and the skids will always remind you that it was theirs first.
That's so true about it being
That's so true about it being in both names, legally in both names…Id also feel the need to change all locks, get a security system, & I'd check the house for cameras & such.
I would encourage you to talk
I would encourage you to talk with DH and get some things in place before skids go to full time with you. Date night out, who will be taking kids to school. Who's going to miss work when the kids are sick?
The whole dynamic will change so even if they are respectful now, they might lash out at you if they feel abandoned by BM. And the teenage years are hell. I'm a BM and I have questioned my sanity and started a countdown to the empty nest. And I adore my DD and would never leave her. It is that rough of stressful of a time with a bio.
If you do buy the house, I'd sell it. It will always be skid's turf. And the reminder of BM will always be there. My DH has never said anything but I know it's hard for him living in a space created my first DH and me. It's different when you and DH chose your "us home together without ties from the past. Good luck.
agreement outside court This
agreement outside court
This screams warning, danger.
An agreement outside of court may be unenforceable and cause unforeseen difficulties down the road.
Your DH has a new attorney. Use him. Talk to him about the latest BM talk and then follow his advice.
I was thinking the same thing
I was thinking the same thing Just.
I find it interesting that BM's husband has been completely ignored in the whole buy BM's house discussion. Even if BM were stupid enough to sell the houseto her ex for less than it's worth, what makes anyone think her husband would agree?
How many SMs woulld allow something like this to occur.
Her husband may be desperate
Her husband may be desperate to get the kids out of his household--you never know!
Seriously though, I think buying the home from BM is an idea that would deserve hard thought, it really could be win/win, if you could get past the whole BM lived here thing.
And of course custody, child support, etc should all be dealt with through the legal system, to just do it on a handshake deal would be flat stupid.
But mom can just up and move,
But mom can just up and move, as long as she doesn't take the kids with her. If she moves, then dad becomes CP and mom should pay CS, insurance, airfare for visits....
If she can't sell the house for what it's worth, she should rent it until the market improves.
OT, but I wish I coukd find a house for $400K. I looked at two last week. The first one was $850K and needs a ton of the work. The 2nd house (just two blocks from the 1st)was $2.1M
Well last time (a little over
Well last time (a little over 2 1/2rs ago), that OP's BM tried to move, she demanded OP/DH relocate also and follow them or hand over custody... lol.
BM demand refused, court ruled BM could move and take kids.
I have no idea what the BM still owes on this house, but she can't just sell it for perhaps $100k's than what she may still owe. She's had the house for only six-wish years.
this is a matter for the
this is a matter for the courts. in most cases in the us a parent cannot take children out of the state unless in writing in an agreement. do not let bm dictate your living arrangements. ever.
BM's house was originally a
BM's house was originally a joint marital property when she and DH were married and DH moved away. They moved to this town, bought that house, and filed for divorce within six months. BM was encouraging DH to buy the house from her and said it was last appraised at $405,000.00 -- also said she couldn't really sell it for too much less than the market price. DH discussed it with me and we earnestly looked at the positives and negatives but truthfully, we don't want to live in her shadow.
We were already looking for a slightly larger home, we could really use an extra bedroom or two. DH and I had talked about moving into that school district just because it's a good district, we're trying for our own baby, and the convenient commuting distance. We weren't in a hurry, we thought we had the luxury of time. I agree that DH (and subsequently me since I'm attached to him) shouldn't be a pawn in whatever BM's game is -- I don't even know how comfortable I feel with the need to speed up the house search. I don't want BM to be the reason we get a home that isn't right just because she "couldn't pass up [her] dream job."
As for what I'm going to do -- I guess the same thing I always do. I'm an active SM but I don't really see why FT SKs should mean I can't still have a life outside of the home. It took a lot of hard work for DH and I to find the boundaries we have now with what I do as a SM, what he does as DH, and what I'm willing to do and not do. I may be an active SM in my SK's lives but this is still my life and DH can't expect me to be SuperSM. I've made it clear to DH that he would be setting me up for failure. No matter what, this would still require a huge adjustment for all of us. Can't help but feel BM is being selfish.
Oh! Nearly forgot... We've already contacted the attorney and this would definitely be in a new CO. There's no way she leaves town without one.
How is she abandoning her
How is she abandoning her children?! She's moving to advance her career and discussing this with the father of her children before she goes. Men do this all the time and no one blinks an eye, he's a man so of course he needs to work. But oh, if a woman dares to move away from her children for a job then it's abandonment. She'll be about a 2 hr flight away, and from the sounds of it she has the money to pay for the airfare.
I think it's great that she is giving them a heads up and openly communicating, and that the bio parents are attempting to work this out out of court. Not everyone has to spend thousands of dollars in the court system anytime there is a change.
Im not sure how it works
Im not sure how it works there but a legally binding, updated parental agreement should be obtainable without going to court, simply arranged between the parents via their lawyers to ensure that everything is legal and all the small details are covered.
Ultimately if BM wants to move and DH wants to have the kids full time and SM is happy to do that then just make sure you are all covered legally.
What visitation is BM expecting? wanting? How is she expecting that visitation to happen? Is she going to drive back and get them?
What was the previous CS agreement? What is it now? If DH was previously paying CS when BM had more time then BM needs to now be paying CS to DH.
People move for work all the time, its just, in intact families its just alot easier. In divorced/or split with kids relationships, its more complicated. My own DH wanted to move, at the time he had primary custody, he ended up loosing that primary custody in the court battle that came, even though he made the decision not to move.
The courts are there to try to ensure the child is protected, and ultimately if one parent disagrees its highly unlikely the court will approve, but it does happen.
If parents can agree and make an arrangement themselves then its all good, just make sure its legally binding else BM will move out there, get herself settled and then just appeal to bring her kids to her, and we all know how much courts like to side with mothers.
We don't really know what
We don't really know what she's thinking as far as a new custody schedule, travel, etc. Our first impression is that she will expect us to meet her halfway for holidays and summer. She had an expectation for this when she won the relocation hearing last time, I could see her expecting it to work this way despite the considerable extra distance.
There is no CS between DH and BM. There was quite a bit of CS drama early on after their divorce. The CO that resulted from that mess actually states there is no CS and if either BM or DH file for CS, the non-filing party becomes the custodial parent and thus forces the filing party to pay CS. If she moves away, though, this changes the CO and I hope she's expecting to pay something because we shouldn't cover all kid expenses for her convenience. She makes quite a bit more than us, too...