Do I belong in the initial counseling session
Skids should have been in counseling years ago. 3 year, high conflict divorce was finally made final one-and-a-half years ago. I've been skids step-mom for 9 months. Judge ruled that skids were to receive counseling and that both parents need to agree on one. There have been a couple of attempts, only to have the cslr say he/she isn't the one for them (husband's ex attempts to triangulate the therapist by having private conversations w/o my husband present). She had a long term affair with a man and upon discovery, she started spinning a story that husband was abusive towards her and the skids, though a court ordered child custody and psychiatric evaluation didn't back her up - nor have I ever seen any sign of it. The relationship with her affair partner recently imploded and husband's ex rapidly spun a 180 and is trying to sit by us at skids events. It pisses me off to no end. The woman has no boundaries, treated my husband like shit, and I think now realizes what she lost. Lots more to it, but in the past, I was of the opinion that counseling should be the skids with their parents. Now I'm starting to think that I should be present as well. Thoughts? Do I insist at being at the initial appt?
No.
No.
Can you expand on your
Can you expand on your thoughts about this, lil? Do you have personal experience.
If I don't attend, will I be viewed by the skids as even more of an outsider?
You are the SM. You only
You are the SM. You only belong in counseling with the kid and parents if the counselor thinks it is necessary. Your role is to support your spouse/their parent. That is it.
"Do I insist at being at the
"Do I insist at being at the initial appt?"
No. The order was for the children. I imagine the selected therapist will lay out his/her own path and schedule the parents in and around what he/she deems as necessary. However, nowhere does that mean you are in a position to make demands/insist on anything.
These sessions are for the children. Not for you to be present to babysit the parents. The time may come where the therapist invites and includes you to a degree or not. Your husband is a big boy now. He doesn't need you to insist tagging along holding his hand.
You're free to establish boundaries in your home and at kid events, but court ordered counseling meant for the children isn't something you get to call the shots on.
I wasn't mentioned in the
I wasn't mentioned in the divorce decree as husband and I (no longer boyfriend) weren't married yet,
nor had we started introductions until 9 months later.
I, personally, have my own set of concerns, as when the skids are in our home, it's plain chaos. I posted on here back when I was dating my now husband that the oldest boy (11) has this tendency to attempt to touch me. I am constantly redirecting him, but it makes me incredibly uncomfortable to be around him. I refuse to be alone with this child until this is addressed in cslg, as I am frightened out of my mind that BM will claim that I've had something to do with his behavior. He was diagnosed years ago with extra sensory processing disorder (hypo = doesn't have personal boundaries), as well as Asperger tendencies. The other boy is disrespectful and often physically violent towards either his brother or his dad. They both just outright lie.
The counselor can't make your
The counselor can't make your DH parent his child. He needs to parent his child. You need to disengage.
Not sure where this vibe that
Not sure where this vibe that I am insisting on anything is coming from. If you'll read what I posted, I state that I had the opinion that cslg should be between the four of them, but am now questioning if I should also take part in the initial intake. It was a poor use of the word insist. No temper tantrum here.
There is so much more to the
There is so much more to the story that I don't need to get into for the purpose of answering my question. Let me just say that I've seen this man have to fight tooth and nail for the ability to be in his kids lives. His ex has tried everything to attempt to alienate the children from him, including moving thousands of miles away and making false allegations (how dies one discipline their child when the other parent is ready to use any such attempts against you to "prove" her agenda? And believe me, the kids have learned how to play one parent against the other, saying whatever they need to about the other to deflect accountability). She has been diagnosed as having the tendencies of a personality disorder, but not enough for a full diagnosis. The man walks on eggshells.
I pray that counseling will help, though I don't believe it's going to be anytime soon.
I've read the child custody
I've read the child custody and psych evaluations.
These kids have went through
These kids have went through a lot in a few short years. They were roughly four and six. They've spent three years of high conflict with divorcing parents, gained a SF who already disappeared. They met you, but though married and Daddy's new wife lives an hour away in her new house. One has ADHD (is he medicated?) and the other may be autistic to some degree.
These kids are trying to adapt and blend into two new worlds aka homelike that is still rapidly changing and there's no real sense of security in either yet. Counseling and getting the kids settled is going to be a work in progress and counseling/finding right therapist is the first step. As Sue mentioned, this may not be a one therapist fix all thing.
So again, my question. Do I
So again, my question. Do I have a role in their adjustment to everything that has gone on in their lives, or am I better to take a hands off approach? By doing so, won't I be considered even more of an outsider. Their family unit is no longer. There is a new normal to adjust to. As I've said to husband, I believe the goal is parallel parenting; with their history, I don't really see cooperative parenting as being a goal that could be accomplished right now.
If your asking if you get a
If your asking if you get a role in shaping their adjustment via the beginning stages of therapy , no. Counseling was recommend for these children long before you entered the picture.
I don't think counseling is
I don't think counseling is EVER needed between 2 divorced people. That is family counseling and the family no longer exists. Appointments should be separate and if you and your DH think you should attend then you should attend.
I share this same opinion,
I share this same opinion, cocoa. The family they once knew was blown up.
Oh goodness. All I'm seeing
Oh goodness. All I'm seeing here is that you are in for a shitty time until you decide to leave this man. Good luck with that.
The fact that you are even asking this question shows you do not understand your boundaries. A BM with issues plus skids that he doesn't know how to parent. I just want to hug you, but at the same time ask what the hell were you thinking.
Time for DH to approach XW's
Time for DH to approach XW's new X, foster a relationship, and get the dirt. Then wrap it up and beat the snot out of the XW with it.
A good friend of mine did this with his XWs XBF including getting sworn affidavits from the guy on the crap that the XW had done to my friend during the time the XBF had dated her.
Karmic justice showed up when a couple of years later the XW and her XBF reconciled and eventually married. My friend owned his XW and the new husband and things were decidedly calmer from that wedding forward. My friend held for years that he was being forced to pay more CS than had been ordered and his X had kept nailing him for contempt, etc…. The affidavits helped end that crap. XW quickly agreed to drop all arrears when my friend gave her the choice of going back to court with his new information. He had to smack her around with the info a few times but she fairly quickly had her attorney file to have the arrearages waived.
Sadly the XW had PASed my friend’s son completely against his dad and the son had little to do with my friend until about 4-5 years after aging out from under the CO. They have since reconciled and are very close these days. Going through the legal files including the Step Dad's sworn affidavits regarding the kids mom's crap sure helped drive the speed of reconciliation once the young man (early 20s) reengaged.
About 19 months, I believe.
About 19 months, I believe.
I've decided that I'm just going to stay away unless I'm asked to take part. Though I REALLY CAN'T STAND FEELING ON EDGE AROUND THESE TWO IN MY OWN HOME. I will not be alone with them, especially the older one. Husband knows there are things that need to be addressed in cslg with the older one before that's ever going to happen.
If you really want to attend
If you really want to attend counseling sessions then go on your own to your own therapist; or better yet get a mani/pedi while having a glass of wine. Let skids, Dh and BM marinate in their own drama
lol! This sounds
lol! This sounds delightful!!!