Is a man who puts his kids and X over his equity life partner, excludes his equity life partner from key decisions that effect her life and wants to pollute his honeymoon with his new bride with the presence of h is prior relationship spawn really all that wonderful?

You have some thinkin to do.

As equity life partners you and FDH prioritize each other and your relationship over everything and everyone else. Kids are the top marital responsibility but never do they or X's, work, etc... take priority over the spouse or the marriage. If Mr. Wonderful is pulling this crap now... what is the liklihood that he will step up and actually prioritize you in the future? I would say the odds are slim and none leaning heavility toward the none option. I am not convinced that he is all that wonderful.

I cringe every time someone gushes over how wonderful their FDH/DH or FDW/DW is then proceeds to tell of how the wonderful person marginalizes their life partner in preference to Xs and kids.

That is far fromn wonderful.

So, you have some thinkin to do. Do you want to marry Mr. Wonderful and eternally relegate yourself and your marriage to no better than second place behind his X and his prior relationship spawn?

Good luck.

This is how it will always be.
He is telling and showing you who he is and how he lives, believe him.

"oh the kids don't want this or that"
"He even mentioned bringing the kids on our honey moon."
"He is still very upset that he can't see his kids every single day"
"He says I should not be telling him and his ex how to deal with their kids."

And most importantly
"he is very defensive when I bring up anything about these issues"

You have to realize that none of this is going to change. He doesn't want to change, it's been 4 years if he wanted a change it would have happened.

You can talk to him, you can go to counselling, you can beg and plead and threaten but NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE. Just read through a few of these threads, you will see the exact same story told over and over ad nauseam.

You have to decide if this is the life you want for yourself.
There are lots of women on here who've said if they'd know what life held for them they never would have married their husbands. There is a reason most posts like this are answered with RUN, RUN NOW!

Yes, there are step parents who are very happily married but the person they married was open to change and communicated with their partner. They were willing to put their partner, not their kids or BM, first. They listened to their partner when there were problems and together they fixed them. They supported their partner, even if it upset the skids or BM or parents.

I'm very glad I married my spouse. I am not a full time custodial sp. There have been some issues with the skids but nothing huge or that causes me much trouble on a day to day basis. Pretty much if something bothers me I try not to give it much headspace.

My life with my DH is really great. But we are older. SS30 (extremely troubled) was an adult when I met DH. DH had evicted SS with police escort for being violent about a year before I met DH.

DH loves his son very much. And so hopes that "this time" things will be different whenever SS gets a new job or GF (who he sponges off of).

I am okay with being civil to SS when he is "acting right" - which is always temporary for him.

But what works for me is the absolute certainty that I have total control over my life. I could live without my DH. DH would pick me to maintain his quality of life in a second over his worthless POS son.

It's a totally different situation with small children. I could not have handled that.

Hon... this will never end, love is not the only thing that keeps a relationship together,
Your BF is upset cause he can't see his kids 24/7 - then he never should've divorced..... he wants his kids to go on honeymoon with you? That alone tells me you are not important to him, he doe snot want to be alone thus he strings you along...

Be honest with your self, when it's only the 2 off you every thing is peachy and as soon as the skids arrive you are on the back burner..... he does not love you the way you love him.... do yourself a favor and write down all the pro's and cons, but be honest, your con list will be very long compared to the pro's list... thus start thinking about exiting... and if you do not want to exit, post pone the marriage for at least 10 years....

I would seriously be concerned about him not putting you and your feelings first. As his future wife, the person he is to spend the rest of his life with...YOU should be first.

That is not saying that his kids aren't important and that he shouldn't make them a priority. It's all about balance.

If you are the kind of woman that wants to help him raise his kids and be there for them and him he should recognize that. There should be a game plan between the two of you on how to handle things and boundaries set into place regarding the BM. You need to have some sort of schedule that allows family time with the SKs and time for just you and him. BUT no matter what...you both have to be on the same page. IF not you will be in for a long rough ride....given the skids young age.

I think you need to do some thinking and find out what you want out of your relationship. What you can compromise on and what you can't. Write it down..it helps you keep things straight in your head and also helps you to explain why you feel this way. THEN go to your DH. If he acknowledges your feelings and works with you to make it all work then things should be better. IF NOT...well that's an answer it itself.

Are you young and in the age bracket where you have a darn good chance of meeting someone without an ex wife and kids??? If you are, then yes I'd cut and run and find someone else!

It sounds like he should just be concentrating on being a dad for now, since that seems to be what he wants to concentrate on. It's not fair to bring someone else (you) into his life, when his life revolves around his kids. There needs to be a balance if he wants a relationship that's going to work.

My husband has always loved his daughter (now 25), she was a daddy's girl and went everywhere with him when he was married to BM. When they split, he was realistic. He knew he wasn't going to see her everyday, he knew things were going to be different. He would have NEVER suggested his daughter accompany us on our honeymoon!

I have never felt like an outsider when it comes to my husband and his daughter and certainly not when it comes to his ex. I had just as much say what went on in our home concerning my SD as he did, BM had NO say what went on in our home.

He is a good Dad, but I'm so sick of hearing about how much he loves his kids over and over. He is still very upset that he can't see his kids every single day because of his divorce.
he is very defensive when I bring up anything about these issues.

Honestly, it sounds like he's not quite ready to move on.

I ask this in all seriousness.... What is your role in this household? You can't have an opinion about his kids. You can't have even an ounce of control over his kids. You can't interfere with his relationship with his ex wife. You can't even go on a honeymoon with your husband. So where do you fit in? It sounds like you are basically a maid, tenant, and a concubine. If you are feeling like any one of those three things, he doesn't deserve you. Women have intuition for a reason. Listen to your gut on this one.

If you can't talk to him about:

How to be equal partners
What the rules of the house will be
Balancing your opinions on child rearing/discipline....

How much of a "relationship" do you REALLY think you have?

You Don't. If you can't talk to the man who is planning on being your life partner about this simple stuff, why are you planning on making him your life partner????