Ugh! I backslid wrote & called my ex
Ugh! I wrote my ex an email telling him how much I loved him and I also called crying. He said he could not talk to me at the moment and that he would call me later, which he did not do. I feel awful!
It is still hard realizing that he prioritized his 47 year old ds over me. To the point of ending our marriage because I finally got the nerve to complain about the time he spent with him. When I did that my ex immediately shut down emotionally from me as if he had never loved me and proceeded to push me out of my home.
I still cannot believe that he could shut his feelings down over something so minor. I did not call his ds names of degrade him. I just complained that I wanted to spend time with my ex before I flew across the country.
It has just blown my mind that after being together for 25 years he would end it because I finally complained. I still do not understand why he did what he did and I think that is the hardest not knowing why he chose to end us after all these years.
I felt like I was groveling in my email and my phone call. Where is my dignity!!!
You had a weak moment,
You had a weak moment, everybody does. It sounds like you do not have closure, since you don't know the real reason he ended it. That's hard, after 25 years.
If he is a narcissist (I can't remember but I think he is?), you may never know the reason, other than you just did not suit his life anymore. A true narcissist doesn't have real feelings for anybody else so, it's not that he just shut his feelings down but instead, chose to stop the facade.
Pick yourself back up and move forward.
your mentioning that the dh
your mentioning that the dh being a narc is important to note. true narcs wear a mask 24/7. they see their children as extensions of themselves.
Awww. Sweetie I'm In The same
Awww. Sweetie I'm In The same position as you are in right now. I've done some pathetic emails as well and I've learned that it's better to go no contact. It's only been a few weeks for me and I still feel like contacting him at times. Whenever u feel like contacting him call a friend or write down what u are thinking. I don't know all of your story but your ex sounds like a complete jerk. You have second place in his life at best. Is that what you wanted?? It hurts now but u will be okay in time and you will be better off. If he did not want to listen to your concerns then he just doesn't care.
I was I the same boat as you. Always in more like 4th or 5th place. I couldn't do it anymore. That's not how a marriage works. Anyway he is doing you a favor. Consider it a blessing that he doesn't want to talk.
You took a very positive step
You took a very positive step forward by posting here instead of calling him again!
Agree with all posters, especially hereiam. Look forward...see a counselor, join a club, go for a hike, volunteer somewhere...find functional people and most of all remember that it wasn't you - that enmeshment was there before you and will be there after you.
The nature of their relationship was and will be toxic to every other relationship they both have. You are a lucky survivor, set free from that toxic environment.
Look forward. *hugs*
Forgive yourself, remember
Forgive yourself, remember how you feel right now, and move on.
Just keep swimming
It took me a long time to finally end the 9 year relationship I was in before I met DH. There was a lot of breaking up and back sliding. Literally took me two years to finally stop going back to that asshole.
It's all going to be okay, we have all been there
xoxoxox
It is hard because I do not
It is hard because I do not know why he ended it. He would always get really angry with anything regarding his ds. His ds had carte blanc as to when and how many times he would call. Everyday and sometimes up to 14 times a day. My ex would cancel trips we had planned if his ds was upset over anything. One time it was because the person that lived in the apartment was walking to hard and the noise was bothering his ds. His ds ended up poking holes in the ceiling with a broom handle as a result. Or, a person was walking a dog across the street in the complex and it upset his ds. So many crazy things bothered him and so many times ds just gave up our plans to sit by the phone in case his ds needed him.
His ds was an ass to me, and I was expected to sit there and tolerate it, and I did, to please my dh. My dh got to the point of getting upset with me if he and his ds watched a game on tv and I did not watch it with them. I hate sports, but he expected me to entertain his ds. He wanted me to fawn over his ds, as his ds shunned me the entire time. For 25 years he shunned me in my own home and my dh thought nothing of it. But heaven forbid I treat his ds the way he treated me. So when I finally complained, my dh came down hard and fast. At 72 years old you would think that he would want a wife to cuddle and dote on him like I did. Instead he chose to prioritize his ds instead. That is crazy.
I feel like he saw me as being worthless and now I can't believe I contacted him wanting my marriage again. What is wrong with me!!! I have no shame!!!
On a more positive note, I have rented a beautiful 2bd-2bathroom condo, with a deck right in front of the pool. Truly a miracle considering I told the landlady that I did not have a job and have not worked in 10 years. She just took a leap of faith and agreed to rent it to anyway. I love waking up in the morning and realizing that the phone will not be ringing over and over again with ss needing to talk to his daddy. Peace is wonderful, and then I call my ex, geez :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:
hugs... please don't look
hugs... please don't look back. this man has done nothing but cause you pain. Find the man who puts a smile on your face.. His is out there!look forward and don't ever call him again.
"I can't believe I contacted
"I can't believe I contacted him wanting my marriage again"
I don't think you wanted That marriage again, I think you wanted the Ideal you have in your head.
We all have it, the perfect marriage with a man who loves you, puts you first, someone to grow old with and walk hand in hand off into the sunset.
It's hard to end a long term relationship, even a bad one that didn't satisfy you.
As WOB said, remember how you feel right now, remember how he gave up 25 years and all the remaining years you could have had together for his needy manbaby son.
It will get easier and you will be happy. You might even find that marriage or companionship that is your ideal. Now that you are not with DH you are available to meet someone wonderful to live out your golden years with.
you said "The truth is, it
you said "The truth is, it does not matter why the relationship ended. For anyone. What matters is that one person chose to end it."
I do not see your statement as a "truth", more an opinion. It really does matter why the relationship ended. There are lessons and personal growth to be learned from the "why."
Time for the Rags Three Day
Time for the Rags Three Day Rule. Breakups hurt. They always do. However.... they only hurt the worst for 3 days. Then each day after day 3 they hurt just a bit less until eventually they are just an occassional unpleasant memory. The problem is if you contact them or re-engage at any point you rest the process and the 3 day rule and the following recovery period starts over.
So, hopefully you have learned that this POS is not worth your time or the emotional investment it takes to let him maintain space in your head. Purge him again from your life, move on, enjoy your new life adventure.
And... whatever you do... do not re-engage..... unless he makes you a cash financial offer that is the proverbial offer you can't refuse in which case.... take the money and leave him in your rear view mirror.
When I was going through my divorce more than 20 years ago my XW had the brilliant idea that we could still be lovers during and following the divorce. She would upon occassion come to our former marital home for a booty call. I had no issue letting her in, getting mine, then sending her packing. I just never gave a crap other than the opportunity to get layed which was extremely rare during our actual marriage. This went on for a couple of months until one time she showed up and I was otherwise engaged (I had company). She pounded on the door until I got frustrated and answered the door butt neked with a beautiful lady wrapped in a street standing behind me. Only then did she gain clarity that my give as shit about her was about zero.
It took a while for me to come to this epiphany after she left me for her geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar daddy. Once I came to the epiphany I had very little issue with seeing or communicating with my X. I kept it focused, short, and direct. When she got volitile, I cut her off and refused to play her games.
I never have figured out what drove her to adultery but I never gave a thought to why she actually asked for a the divorce. I immediately knew it was the greatest gift that I received during my first marriage. She moved on.... I likely would not have unless I had eventually figured out that she was cheating. We divorced in 1990 and my last contact with her was in late 1993 when we finally got around to settling on the home we purchased together two moths before she left. Since then I have smirked with joy when I have put on my custom Elephant skin boots or made the queso recipe that she used to make which are the second best gifts I got from my XW other than her leaving.
Take care of you... good luck. Remember, Day 3 is close and it will start getting better. Just don't re-engage.
I read somewhere for every
I read somewhere for every 7/8 years you are with somebody, it takes 3-4 months to adjust without them, so the feelings you have now are very natural and normal. Not certain that is true, but some of it has to be....
When a man walks right out, not looking back after so many years.....something is up, and I would bet...it is not just the skid. You just need to move on, he probably already has, according to statistics and his behavior toward you. Do not be surprised to learn somebody my have already been in the picture and because of that, he is emotionally capable of making a clean break with you. I had BF for seven years who I did not realize was in touch with his out of town girlfriend before me the entire time; he never looked back either and I later found out why. Thank God for her...that is all I can say today! I should send her flowers because my life is so much happier and he is still as miserable as ever.
Regardless of reason, he did you a big favor if so....You deserve so much better. Try to stay busy to occupy your mind and even if you are not ready to date, look at the dating websites....and talk with friends about them. We know a lot of people who met and married who have great marriages who met there.... Just start thinking about possibilities; healing will take time, but you will heal....
You are not alone, you just feel this way temporarily and sporadically for a while.....that is all.
When he got upset with me he
When he got upset with me he would shun me. One time he shunned me for 6 months because I said that his ds was "acting like a baby". I was shocked that he would do that to me because of the one statement. He did not say one word to me and slept downstairs and was not intimate with me the entire time. I kept on apologizing, but it was not enough. He also shunned me, yelled and screamed at me when I asked if he could arrange for his ds not to call during the dinner hour as my dh would get up and chat, leaving me at the dinner table alone to finish my dinner. I always prepared nice meals and as soon as the phone rang that was the end of that.
The strange thing is that he would insist I socialize with his ds even though his ds treated me the way he did and did not want me there. If the three of us we went out to dinner, not one word was uttered to me as ss directed all his conversation to his df, he did not even look at me, and my dh replied in kind. My ex would also insist that I cook dinners for his ds. I found it quite odd that it was important to my ex that I catered and participated when he socialized with his ds. You would think that he would just visit with him alone since that is what his ds wanted, but he did not. I never understood those dynamics. Why include me, if I was going to be ignored and his ds preferred just to visit with his df. I never, ever understood it. I would get upset at being shunned for hours by his ds and my ex was fine with me being upset. I would tell my ex to just visit with him alone, but he would not. Finally, I got to a point where I would just leave before ss got there. This brought major issues to our marriage and still he would invite his ds to have dinner with us, this time saying he would cook dinner. I hated it.
I hated that my ss would just walk into our house without knocking, that my dh gave him the house key and the garage opener code. I hated that as soon as ss walked into our home he went and turned on the tv to a sports channel. That when I cooked he would help himself to the food while it was still on the stove instead of waiting till I set the table. Mind you my dh was very strict with my boys and grandchildren about table manners, they were not even allowed to sit down until I sat down. I also had to be the first one served. However, his ds could help himself when ever he wanted and could sit down when ever he wanted and get up from the table whenever he wanted to go and watch a sports channel.
My guess is now that my ex is having to deal with his ds alone, I am no longer the scapegoat, it has increased his anger at me and when he was angry with me he typically shunned me and I reacted to him by trying to soothe things. I just realized that I am following the same script of when he shunned me, I soothe, apologize and ask to be a couple again. That is exactly what I did in my email. Gee, when will I get over behaving like a whipped dog with my tail tugged between my legs. I am glad that I just realized what I was doing. It probably made him feel really good that I played the same role I did when we were married. I feel shitty for making him feel empowered again. I hope is ds is making his life hell.
Oh dear. The shunning is
Oh dear. The shunning is called "relational aggression." It is considered one of the most extreme forms of bullying / social aggression. It is deliberate and extreme cruelty. It is emotional abuse.
The enmeshment with his son, together with his use of RA, starts to check boxes for borderline personality disorder. I am guessing that there were probably other indicators.
Wake every morning, enjoy the weight off your chest and shoulders, and live and love your new free life. And if you are in Phoenix, go eat at Chino Bandito. It Is Impossible to be sad there
It's easy to tell you to not
It's easy to tell you to not kick yourself but you are reacting to rejection just as any other person would who has been living with extreme abuse for a long time. You lived with it so long that you are uncomfortable with the opportunity to live in a different way. You wrote about how wonderful the place you live in is and how much you like it. Almost like it's too good to be true. Keep telling yourself that you deserve it!
When facing the death of a marriage we go through the same phases of grieving that one would experience with any other great loss. The 5 stages of grief and loss are: 1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance. People who are grieving do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them. We can revisit one of these phases, then move on to another until ultimately, there is acceptance.
When you called and wrote to your ex you were bargaining with him. Ask yourself if you really want your old life back. If he told you why he divorced you it still would not make any sense. Just as his strange relationship with SS does not seem rational - and it isn't.
I slipped up with my ex too for the first few months after he left me. For a very long time I wanted to know why. I eventually found out there were several reasons why he left me but none of them justified the cruel way in which he did it. One thing that DID help was writing him farewell letter that I later burned.
"I found it quite odd that it was important to my ex that I catered and participated when he socialized with his DS. You would think that he would just visit with him alone since that is what his DS wanted, but he did not. I never understood those dynamics." It sounds as if your ex wanted to gloat and demonstrate to his son how much in control he had over you - his slave.
wow sandye "his slave" really
wow sandye "his slave" really resonated. My ex was a reformed alcoholic and the entire time I was with him I could only have 2 cocktails whether they were wine, beer or what ever, but only two and no more or he would get upset with me. The strange thing is that he would take me to the liquor store and buy over $200 worth of liquor at a whack for just me. I also found out that I was diabetic and the week I found out he went to an exclusive candy store and bought $140 worth of candy for me. I have never understood whey he did these type of things, just weird. But I think you are right, or he was so deparate to have someone care for his ds even if I was pressured to do so. What craziness and he told me that I was the one with issues and needed psychiatric treatment. Now I tend to agree, as it was crazy of me to remain with him.
"--- it was crazy of me to
"--- it was crazy of me to remain with him." He had you convinced you WERE the crazy one - it wasn't you who was crazy. Now that you mention your Ex was a reformed alcoholic, it really shouts out how much he resented having to be in so much control of himself. He thought he had to be in control of everything - including you. You can see that Ex felt so crazy because one slip up and he would be right back where he was when he was an alcoholic - insane and out of control. That's why he is so rigid. Now it makes sense why SS was calling and coming over all of the time - Ex designed this so that Ex could control SS's life too. You were not crazy or stupid - you just had a big heart and innocently got caught in the web.
Just wondering how many close friends your Ex has?
He has one friend, however
He has one friend, however when I was with my ex he refused to spend time with his friend one on one. I would always suggest it, but he always refused. We always had to go as a couple. Once we divorced and I stayed at the house to pack and ship my things, his friend would call him all the time to spend time together and my ex went over weekly to chat and smoke cigars. My ex and I were amicable during this time so it surprised me that his friend intervened the way he did. It was like he did not want my ex to spend time with me. They were also supposed to be my friends, but that turned out to be a joke, 25 years later I find out that they only talked to me because of my ex. Good riddance.
Ugh, again! I emailed him
Ugh, again! I emailed him stating that I was blocking him from my emails and phone. Then I sent another email saying that I unblocked him. Rags the 3-day rule is great only I keep starting it over, and over again, and unlike you there is no sexual rewards. Geesh!!! What is wrong with me! :jawdrop:
Please make an appointment
Please make an appointment with a counselor. There is nothing wrong with you - you just need help getting redirected. Good luck. (((HUGS)))
Oh boy. Don't beat yourself
Oh boy. Don't beat yourself up over it. You made a mistake and now realize it was a mistake. You learned a lesson - you feel worse now that you contacted him.
Next time the urge comes to contact him, come here to Steptalk and post right away. Someone will be here to talk you off the ledge.
Stay strong - you are doing wonderfully otherwise. And you new place sounds peaceful and perfect for you.
learning you are not the
learning you are not the priority in the life of a spouse is painful. i know.
after almost 20 years of marriage, i was slow to wake up to the fact that the children of dh mean more to him than me.
a case in point was when he told me he has to go cheap on anniversary present for me because his elderly parents needed money. then he spent over $500 for sporting equipment for his daughter. no special reason. just because she is a "fine young women." said young woman was booted out of the military and we still dont know the reason, and decided to drop out of college. thank goodness she can suport herself and is on her own.
i hit the ceiling. i told him he made a fool out of himself when i told my male co workers about this. they said hes out of his mind.
you need to find trust in yourself and realise this man does not love you.
dont beat up on yourself for calling. be strong and resolve to heal yourself. this-man-does-not-love-you. he is in an unhealthy relationship with son as a mini wife. this is so unhealthy.
my brother is like that. since the son was born almost 30 years ago, my brother never dated again. bm of the young man was drug addict so brother got full custody. brother and his son are inseparable. brother spends all his free time with his son. son does not work or go to college. he parties all the time and goes to bed at dawn. he dreams of being a rock star and plays his guitar and drums in the garage. brother pays to send his son all over the country for music events and pays for new expensive instruments. no wonder no woman will date my brother.