My husband doesn't back me up with his ex
I have three biological children of my own. Great kids, never behavior issues, etc...my husband has a five year old son with his ex. She is emotionally manipulative with the child. Tries to buy his love, yet can't get him to school on time, or do any of the day to day practical things a mom needs to do. I love my husband, and he means well, but he isn't much better. So the two of them together as parents sometimes seems like disaster. We have had behavioral issues with my stepson....I'm a stay at home mom, and I raise my stepson as my own. There are no differences when it comes to love or discipline between him and my biological children. However, when there are parenting differences, as there often are, I feel my husband doesn't stand up for me to his ex. Avoiding a fight, I know...but I feel it just further harms the child. She undermines me every chance she gets, because she's insecure about herself as a parent (she never even bathed her son until he was two...there is no nurturing mothering instinct there)....but my only motivation is what is good for this child. Now me and the husband are fighting.....anyone have advice?????
I'm not trying to overtake or
I'm not trying to overtake or interfere. We're fighting because the kid is behind on all dr checkups, vaccines, dentist..neither biological parent handles it. So my husband told me to handle...BM finds out and cancels appointments. My husband didn't say a thing to her. Am I supposed to sit back and say nothing when this directly affects this child?
He's not your child,so stop
He's not your child,so stop trying to parent him.
Unfortunately, the kid is stuck with two useless parents. Some people should never be parents. Step back and make your husband step up to the plate. SS is his responsibility not yours
How much time do you have SS?
How much time do you have SS? Sounds like you have him on the weekdays--so at least 50/50? I only ask because I think the level of a SP's involvement in discipline or parenting depends on how much they have the SK. If it's only EOW, I don't think that's enough time with a SK for a SP to have a real role, and all discipline and parenting decisions should be left to the bio parent. That was how we did it in 10+ years of EOW with my 2 SSs. Now, if your SS is in your home more than that, I think it's reasonable for you to have a more active role in disciplining and parenting him, especially if you're doing day-to-day tasks such as taking him to school and picking him up, taking him to after school activities, helping with homework, etc. In my mind, if that is the scenario, the amount of time you spend with him would require you to have more than a "hands off" approach.
At the same time, I can see that this would be a dangerous ground with the BM. I can understand that she might feel resentment that you are acting like her son's mother when you're not his mother. It's not clear what you want your DH to "back you up" on with BM, but I agree that your DH can't force BM to do anything when it comes to you, and if I were BM and my ex tried to tell me that, I'd laugh right in his face. While we hear about homes where the SP loves the SK like their own, treats them the same, and all goes well, BM is fine, the SK loves and respects the SP like the bio parent, that's the exception, not the norm. So, what you're looking for may be unrealistic in your situation. The best you can do may be to interact with your SS like a favorite nephew or good friend's child, NOT like your own bio child. My advice would be to back off and let his parents handle it and stop trying to impose your will as a parent on SS.
50/50 custody. BM works a lot
50/50 custody. BM works a lot so doesn't see him a lot. I don't work so I handle homework, etc. i'm not trying to force anybody to do anything, I'm just trying to make sure doctors appointments and stuff with school gets handled. When I say DH doesn't back me up, I mean that he's never even had a conversation with BM about my role in this child's life. I love my SS. I want to see him succeed. And when check ups are forgotten, homework isn't turned in, kid is left out of school functions, etc. I feel that if I let it go then the child suffers. I'm in a lose lose situation apparently
Playing 'Mommy Better Than
Playing 'Mommy Better Than You' will get you nowhere.
Your husband has his son 50/50. He's as responsible for all the same things BM is. You're blaming BM for exactly the same things your husband is lacking in being a parent. There is no excuse for a parent who has his son 50/50 to not do necessary dr/dentist appointments. Dad makes appointment takes time off work and escorts kid.
There is no excuse for you to be handling school things. That's husband's job as the parent.
Back you up to BM? Pfft... how bout you just start insisting Dad does his parenting role?
With your title, "My husband
With your title, "My husband doesn't back me up with his ex" and your comment, "I feel my husband doesn't stand up for me to his ex," it sounds to me like you're trying to force your husband to tell his ex to defer to you and let you do what you think is best for their child. (And I realize all you want is what you think is best for the child.) However, unless both parents are willing to let you make those decisions for the boy, you don't have a legal basis to do so, and I don't think it's going to happen. I'm sorry if my comments are one of the ones you referred to as "bashing" you. I read what I wrote again, carefully, because my intent was not to be hurtful or shoot you down in any way, and I don't believe what I wrote does that. (In fact, I don't see any comment from ANYONE that I would call "bashing.") Rather, you are getting opinions contrary to what you want to hear, and if you consider that "bashing," I respectfully disagree.
Also, I want to emphasize, since a while back when a poster got angry for people giving her advice when she said she only came here to "vent," I have made it a point NEVER to give advice to any poster unless they specifically ask, so no one can EVER say that about me again. Therefore, the ONLY reason I gave you any advice in my response is because you specifically asked for it. If you only want people who agree with what you're saying, which it appears is your definition of "support," then if you will put that from now on, speaking for myself only, I won't comment if I don't agree fully with what you're saying. I also want to note that I believe one can still offer "support" without fully agreeing with another person's position, and I meant nothing more than to do that by posting. Again, I'm sorry if anything I said hurt your feelings. I was just trying to give advice based on my 17 years as a SM, since I truly know how challenging it can be. Again, I wish you the best of luck.
THIS. As a SM of 17 years
THIS. As a SM of 17 years whose SSs are now grown, ages 21 and 23, with a decent, non-toxic relationship (which I consider a success), I agree with every word, 1000%.
Sueu is right. I went
Sueu is right. I went through this. THe hard way. In my situation my stepkid had undiagnosed type 1 diabetes and her parents were just self centered narcissists who paid her suffering no attention much to my horror. I watched her to go to 68 lbs in the sixth grade. She lost 11 pounds the month of September, a good four months before her diagnosis. She was so sick and still I'd beg him to intervene and take over medical care from his ex wife or to do anything at all. I was writing letters to his mother
Eventually she was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance where she spent weeks with her blood sugar almost 700. She's 15 now and has diabetic neuropathy pain in her feet probably from it going untreated for so long. The doctors still don't know what the long term damage to her organs are.
But now they take her to the doctor and make sure she has insulin and listen. It was very sad that she almost died before they would take action.
But I feel your pain. I feel your helplessness. and I most definitely felt like I was a better mother than my stepkid's mom. I still do. And I think perhaps my SD may have suffered even worse for that. I felt like BM sometimes purposely didn't get her to the doctor or care because it's what I wanted so very badly. She was trying to make a point that she knew best as her mother. I'd say, "extreme thirst is a major symptom of juvenile onset diabetes" and she'd say, "her sinuses are just really dried out."
Thank you. I came on here
Thank you. I came on here because I wanted support, and I feel like everyone is just bashing me because I want to do what's best for this kid. Am I supposed to stoop to his mothers lazy level just because I didn't give birth to him? Why should he get the short end is what I don't understand.
This is a comment reply OP
This is a comment reply OP gave a member on a different forum posting:
Submitted by CaliZ on Sat, 11/05/2016 - 1:16pm.
I'm in the same situation. SS 5.5, in my care 50% of the time. I have three older biological children. I treat him the same as everyone else, I just see these horrible bad habits, the same as I see in his BM and my DH. I try to just treat him as I do the other kids, and he seems happy and well-adjusted when my DH is not home. But the minute I leave him to care for his own son, all behavior, manners, everything else this kid has learned goes out the window. I am frustrated to no end. I am at the point where I am starting to disengage, but I feel like this is a disservice to the child. Both biological parents do not enforce behavior, manners, homework, anything like that. I don't know what else to do. I'm sorry for your situation, I know it sucks."
The father of this child is not an ounce better than BM is.
I wonder what big tea party talk at age 18 you think OP should give the kid about his father? This lady doesn't think either parent is worthy of raising this kid... it doesn't sound like it has much to do with BM 'hating' OP more than BM 'loves' her son. Nope. Sounds more like OP expectations from either parent far exceeds what either parent is willing to give the kid. OP seems to be under the impression the kid should be 'saved' from both his parents ad they should just let her do all the parenting. She's convinced her husband to let her, now she wants her husband to convince BM just to let OP take over. *shrugs* You know, there usually is more to the story. Why does Dad get the pass why he's no better than the mother?
Caliz, I am reading through a
Caliz, I am reading through a lot of these comments and I am, literally, seeing red. Many of these comments have pissed me off the no end. For someone to tell you that you cannot care more for a child than his own parents do is laughable at best. Have they even read your post? It is apparent that you may be the ONLY PARENT...yes, PARENT...who cares about this child and his well-being. The fact that they are ignoring his healthcare needs and you are the one putting forth efforts to make sure they are met, tells me that you do care more than the other two.
As a Bonus parent...I don't like the term step because people feel you don't have rights as a step-parent and it has a negative connotation more often than not....who's bonus kids live(d) with us, I can tell you that I was/am very involved in everything my kids...yes, I call them my kids because they are no different to me than the 5 I birthed myself. Contrary to popular belief, that is possible.
Since you are the only real parent in this situation and you are actually looking after the child, your husband should put his foot down with the bio mom and tell her that HE is gonna do what is best for your son and if that means taking him to doctor's appointments that he had you set up, so be it!
You are well-intentioned,,
You are well-intentioned,, but you are stretching your boundaries, big time. You are not the bio mother of this child, regardless of how horrible BM is.....heck, you are not a bonus parent either, you are a SM, that is all....not being ugly here, stating fact.
Would you like somebody else taking over the mothering role/routines of your own child? And, you cannot justify it saying the mother is horrible, etc., because somebody somewhere thinks everybody is horrible. It is an opinion and assumption, that is -neither right or wrong, depending on who you ask. The fact remains the bio mother will always act as the bio mother and you need to accept your reality- if you wish to have peace for yourself. The child needs the bio mother more than the "bonus." The best thing you can do for this child is accept your role as SM.
My apologies, Caliz! I
My apologies, Caliz! I totally neglected to answer your question and give you advice as to what YOU can do in this situation.
Sit down with your husband and explain to him why it is important for him to step up and be more of an active parent in your son's life as well as making sure son's mom gets on board with caring more for his well-being.
Document all of the times she hasn't done what needed to be done or times that she has canceled appointments.
Inform him that if this pattern continues it will harm his son physically as well as mentally. Physically because he is not getting the care he needs from doctors.
Mentally because it starts to create confusion in his mind of his importance. It also has his start questioning adults and whether or not to listen to anything that they have to say.
It is very important that you and your husband form a strong united front that will nurture and protect not just your bonus son but everyone else.
Inform him that if he did not have an interest in you taking part in his son's life then he should not have gotten with you in the first place and if he did you should have let that be known so that you can make a decision whether to stay or not.
When my husband and I first started getting serious, we sat down and discussed the roles each of us would have in the other's children's lives. I let him know that because I was marrying him, his children were on the same level with me as my kids are. Thankfully, he said the same thing about my kids. When people ask how many children we have, we count all of them because they belong to us together! That doesn't take anything away from the other bio parents, it just adds to the children. It is a BONUS to have an extra parent caring for a child.
Whenever decisions were made in regards to any of the kids, we discussed it with each other in addition to discussing it with the other bio parents. Nothing happened in our home with the kids without us talking it over and considering the best interests of the children first.
We let our respective exes know how things were gonna go in our homes and demanded that they respect it even if they didn't like it. We left the lines of communication open so that they could let us know how they felt. He communicated with his exes and I communicated with mine to keep confusion down.
He backed me up and I did the same for him.
To make a long story short, our marriage is stronger and our kids are happier because we set clear guidelines within our home and made sure the other parents adhered to them.
I pray things work out for you and that you all can do what is best for all of the children involved.
No one can define another
No one can define another person's relationship with their families for them. *I* am the bonus mother to my husband's children and my husband is the bonus father to my children. Saying that your opinion is a fact doesn't make it one. I'm also not being mean, I'm just stating how I see it.
Caliz, I will add that, all
Caliz, I will add that, all of this means that you all will have to respect decisions that the mother is making in regards to her child as long as it is in his best interest.
If all else fails, seek family counseling.
We invited his ex to attend blended family counseling with us, which she declined so that we could all co-parent better. Having an unbiased professional helping you all through your issues is a great step to take as well.
I might have a different
I might have a different opinion because our BM is super irresponsible and lazy and doesn't parent, but she knows that and doesn't mind that i take over on a lot of things. If anything she encourages it...
I think if your stepkid needs to go to the doctor, hand-in homework, etc. than someone needs to make sure it happens. It's so frustrating how people expect stepparents to parent when it's convenient for them, but back up sometimes because "that's not your job it's the bio parents"
No... If a child is living with you 50% of the time and directly influences YOUR children and household, you have a right to make sure that child has appropriate healthcare, does well in school, etc.
I think your husband DOES need to talk to BM if he's not willing to handle these things himself. Of course, since there is tension, it should first be directed to him to take his kid to the doctor, do homework with the kid, etc. but if he's not going to do it, I don't see the harm in you doing it.
I mean, honestly, it IS best for the kid... It seems like this child has two lazy parents and he needs someone to step up. If he won't do it, and after a serious conversation with BM about her doing it and getting shot down, he needs to tell her that YOU will be doing it as the stepmom in this child's life.
Thank you! I don't see why
Thank you! I don't see why anyone would tell her anything different.