New to this forum -- wish I'd found it sooner!

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Hi everyone,

I can't say how happy I am to have stumbled across this forum. Here's a quick summary of my background. My DH and I have been married for 14 years and dated for 2 prior to that. SS was 8 and SD was 10 when we got married. BM has some serious behavioral and emotional issues. I was cordial to her for the first 5 years or so, but then she turned her BS on me and I no longer speak to her beyond a hello when we are forced together. It's sort of the "if you can't say anything nice" philosophy. I knew when I got married that I wouldn't have a strong bond with my stepkids as they are both very close to their mother. But I was determined to do everything I could to ensure that my husband did. I welcomed them into our home every other weekend and had 2 weeks of vacation with them every year. I went to birthday parties and graduations -- always with a fake smile glued to my face. I'm sure you can imagine that this was not easy -- those self-absorbed, spoiled kids became self-absorbed, spoiled teenagers and are now in their 20s and living in other states. I thought maybe we'd grow closer when they grew up and we had more in common, but I still don't feel much of a bond to them.

Two years ago we went on our annual ski trip. After a warm day of skiing, my SS24 threw his dirty clothes in the washing machine but did not turn it on. I was walking by the laundry room, saw that he didn't turn on the machine and said that he should go back and do it. I thought he was kidding when he said no. After a little back and forth (no voices raised) he got in my face and told me that I was not his mother and could not tell him what to do. He said the same thing a couple of times when he was little -- which I could deal with -- but at 24 we should be past that. Our relationship had always been friendly up until then. I just walked away. It was enough. All of the little hurts and resentments over the years just overwhelmed me.

My husband and I talked about it afterwards, since I refused to come out of my room for 2 days after that. I told him that clearly all of the weekends and vacations have been a waste of my time. I could have been spending the holidays with my own family -- people who do actually care about me and would never speak to me that way. Last year, he went skiing with the kids without me. He is doing the same this Christmas.

I know that as the kids get married and start their own families, we'll have to face visiting with them. I'd feel guilty about sending him alone. But every time I put that fake smile on, a small piece of my soul dies, a little more of the love I feel for my husband fades, and a little more resentment toward my stepkids grows. Am I a horrible person?

Thanks for the reply. I don't

Thanks for the reply. I don't want to create the impression that I've been frequently disrespected by the kids in the past. I wasn't. Even now we can laugh and have fun when we are together. It's the things they didn't do or say, I'm always the one to reach out to them via phone/text, the feeling that they don't appreciate anything I've done -- even as adults -- that bothers me.

My husband has always parented them from fear. Fear that if he says something negative to them, they'll end their relationship with him. Fear that their BM will turn them against him if given half a chance (which she would). So they've always been first and I've always been second. That's where the anger and resentment come from.

Thanks for your comment. I

Thanks for your comment. I also don't see any reason for them to be first now. They aren't children. Shouldn't it be my time? How do you handle it with your SD?

Thanks for sharing your

Thanks for sharing your story. I too find comfort in telling my story to all of you. The hardest thing for me is giving up the fantasy that someday I'll have a loving relationship with the skids.

This forum has been tremendously helpful to me in just one day. Knowing that it's not a character flaw to be unable to bond with my skids or to resent my husband for putting them before me is very comforting.

You are not a horrible

You are not a horrible person. You are human and humans have feelings. Being in this situation is very hard and never gets easier. I learned that the hard way. My best piece of advice to you would be to try and work on fixing this sooner than later. The days turn to weeks and into months and then years. At that point they are not repairable. What happened isn't that bad-I have friends that have actually had physical confrontations. crazy I know. Try and fix it so everyone can live happily. Maybe it be fixed and maybe it cant but its worth a shot!

Thanks Twinkle. Maybe I'm

Thanks Twinkle. Maybe I'm expecting too much of people, but don't you think if either one cared about me, they'd do something proactively? They aren't little kids anymore. Either one of them could simply say "These ski trips aren't the same without you" or "I wish you'd come this year". Instead, neither has said anything which makes me think they couldn't care less.

I think a serious talk with

I think a serious talk with your dh is in order. If that goes well then I think you need to have a talk with your ss as well. Put your feelings out on the table and let him do the same and see if you both can find a place where you can peacefully coexist. I know its hard when you are sensitive. I am the same. dh didn't do this in our situation and where there is no communication there is no resolve. Sweeping things under the rug never makes them go away.

If I were an objective

If I were an objective observer, I'd give myself the exact same advice. But I also know that no relationship works in the long-term if it's one-sided. No person can give and not receive forever. And whether it's now or later, I will eventually give up. People don't change; my stepkids are not going to change. So if that's true, why not give up now? Again, we do peacefully coexist now. I just find no joy in it -- it's a chore.

No, indeed you are not a

No, indeed you are not a horrible person, you are a normal person who wants to be treated with the same respect that everybody else is treated. The worst part about the realization that they hate you, rather than care for you (what you tried to believe for many years), it all the emotion, time, effort, etc. you wasted trying to make it happen; that is the frustrating part--thinking back on the needless effort you put into a dead end relationship. Even with great initial ties, people change and for reasons you do not know, nor understand. If you can work it out, fabulous, but it is time to be on guard; you have been clearly sent that message.

Sounds like you have a doormat husband too, who is scared of his kids, and wants to be a buddy, not a dadeeeeee. I read another poster today who was saying no matter what they do the husband thinks they are 100% right, even when they are clearly wrong to everybody else. That is what both you and I have in common too. The father (and mother), teach kids values, manners and respect; these kids were raised by parents too enmeshed to care about the life basics. Trust me, you will not be the only person they treat with such superiority, given this conditioning. You will not be the last person they are jealous of...so, sit back and watch the show, it is just beginning.

In the meantime, if husband is a doormat, stay away from these spoiled brats and let them jump dadeeeee for a change. Spend your time ONLY with people who care for you.

You do give up power, to get power....So, give it up, stop it all...do nothing, and just wait to see what happens next....I would stop the texting and reaching out too, at this point. It is high time that somebody reached out and appreciated YOU.

Though we feel we are completely out of control in our lives sometimes, we can change the conditions for ourselves and it may take a while, but there are lessons now for dadeee to learn.

Hang in there lady...just be thankful YOUR child does not act this way!

Thank you so much for your

Thank you so much for your reply. I can't tell you how grateful I am to not feel so alone in all of this. I know there are people out there who love their stepkids like they are their own. Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me that I don't feel that way.

I bet 100% of us would tell

I bet 100% of us would tell you we thought we could love our skids as our own and had even honest intention of doing so, in the beginning--until we had no other choice, nor identifiable intentional action of ours to communicate anything differently. Jealousy is a destructive emotion. It could be as simple as you got something they wanted, or believed you should not have...who knows? I guess in most relationships some of this happens, but not to the degree of complete destruction of the relationship, like with skids, as I read here... When you think about it though it does make sense, they see you as easily disposable, even when you are not so much. That's why some adult Skids never stop trying to break up marriages of 30 plus years here. So, who is actually waging --the crazy war?

Just ignore it, but put up your invisible caution sign and stay away from anybody that hurts, insults or is rude to you---anybody!

agreed!! Jealousy=the root of

agreed!! Jealousy=the root of all evil.

I have learned to prepare for

I have learned to prepare for the Skid get togethers ahead of time by reminding DH of what I expect from him. Those are his kids, he had better set a good example for them of what a healthy marriage looks like.
DH going alone to events would never be acceptable in our marriage. I am his wife and I am supposed to be there, and the sooner they get that the better.

Sometimes I have to educate DH about what hurts my feelings because he can be clueless. One problem that bothered me was how his kids were always possessive over DH and my home, wanting a key, wanting to use it, come and go freely. To the point that I wanted to sell the house, and did. The new house we are building has a Bluetooth lock, and I made it clear to DH that no one but him and I will ever have a key to it and that he is to refer to the house in conversation as "our house" not "DH's house" as the Skids used to like to say regularly.

My Skids are covert in their behavior towards me mostly and things they do goes under the radar with DH, so I bring it up to him later when he is in a listening mood.

DH asked me recently do I think I will ever have a close relationship with his daughter the way I do with my daughters-in-law. I answered quietly why exactly SD36 has prevented me from accomplishing that. It was time to talk about the elephant in the room. Get it out in the open and I went down the list of what exactly prevents that.

1). My daughters-in law accept me.
2). They are happy to see me.
3). They are supportive of our marriage, the Skids are jealous of it.
4). SD36 is a gossip and spreads rumors regularly about things she has no business discussing.
5). She calls too late or too early.
6). My daughters in-law do their own home improvements. They don't call daddy to come fix things for them.
7). They don't try to exclude either one of us, but SD36 regularly did that to me. Date nights with daddy? Not normal when someone is 36 years old.

There's more but the look on his face when my true, vulnerable feelings came out, he was embarrassed by what he was hearing.

I confided to DH's sister-in-law that she is lucky her SDs are all married because my SD has Miniwife Syndrome. I believe that conversation got back to SD because she has drastically reduced her interference recently and we've had a peaceful fall, free of drama. Either that or SD 36 has finally met someone to be her primary male companion in her life after 41/2 years. I wish, but I highly doubt it.

I agree with your motto and

I agree with your motto and when it's an only daughter that is also single it is ten fold .
At least for my SD, when she had a husband in the picture, the husband set boundaries for their own privacy, and DH and his first wife were put on notice that they'd better not be dropping by unannounced. SD used to leave her husband all alone for the weekend while she traveled to her dad's and mom's camper for the weekend. She should have been investing that time in her own marriage.

I have learned not to say

I have learned not to say anything negative about his daughter unless he asks what's bothering me. Then I tell him "this is how she makes me feel".

It definitely gets easier

It definitely gets easier once the kids go off on their own. You see them less, they have their own lives, etc. Hang in there!

There are different levels of

There are different levels of disengagement. Some SMs are content to just tune the skids out when they are around them and let DH take care of their needs. Some, like me, have banned skids from our homes until they can practice mutual respect and DH will have our back. You will have to decide for yourself how far you want to go with it but I'd suggest letting them get in touch with you.

I'll bet the incident with SS at the washing machine is just the tip of the iceberg and has been coming for some time. SS was being very disrespectful of you as DH's wife. Was your DH expecting you to wash SS's clothes for him? How did he react when you told him about it? Since your DH is afraid of confrontation with the skids, you will have to take up for yourself. I agree with Threestrikes - Take his clothes out of the washer and tell him if he could not turn on the washer he could wait until he got home to do it instead of pouting in the bedroom for two days.

Your DH doesn't seem to have a problem with you staying home while he goes on vacations with the skids. This is another reason why I think something has been going on for a while. Let DH go on vacations with the skids but only if he devotes the same amount of time and energy to vacations with you, plus spending holidays with you. Let DH take care of everything to do with the skids as far as birthdays, holidays, etc. If he wants to have discussions about the skids, just say, "Hmm" and change the subject. If DH ever wants you to improve your relationship with his kids he will have to be the one to take action - not you.

You may find that once you are away from the skids for a while certain 'forgotten' or over-looked memories might crop up. After a while you may see how nice it is not to be living a 'double standard' life.

DH was sleeping in the

DH was sleeping in the bedroom and had no idea any of this was going down. He definitely would not expect me to wash SS's clothes. But even though SS was in his 20s at the time, DH wouldn't have hesitated to do his laundry himself. When I told him about it, I said this was my last ski trip and that I would rather spend my holiday with people who actually care about me. He became defensive and said that I never had to see his kids again. I told him that wasn't what I wanted, I don't hate his kids, but that I had come to the realization that I have no real bond with them. I wasn't in the bedroom pouting or sulking for two days. I was examining my true feelings for the first time, grieving the loss of what I'd hoped to have, and deciding if I was going to suck it up or draw a line.

As a said in my initial post, I decided when I married DH that the kids should come first. I would do whatever it took to foster a strong, loving relationship between them and DH. In practice, that means appeasement. I would NEVER have taken the clothes out of the washer. I don't want to be the reason my SKs don't spend time with DH. I couldn't live with that guilt. So I just walked away and kept to myself until I got myself under control. What I really wanted to do was say "your damned right I'm not your real mother because if i was you wouldn't be such a spoiled brat". So I just keep faking it.

I don't stay home while he goes skiing with the kids. I go visit my parents and sister for the holidays. After we both get back, we have a long weekend away together. I've told him I want him to spend time with his kids -- I just don't want to have to do it too.

NJdevil, I am sorry if I

NJdevil, I am sorry if I jumped to conclusions. You seem like a very caring and sensitive person. It is good you examined your true feelings for the first time. When SS was disrespectful to you, was that the first time he has acted like this? Besides telling you you aren't his mother?

Your DH's reaction to "I would rather spend my holiday with people who actually care about me" was defensive and a bit dramatic. He could have considered his son's disrespectful behavior before issuing what sounded like a threat.

"What I really wanted to do was say "your damned right I'm not your real mother because if i was you wouldn't be such a spoiled brat". So I just keep faking it." It's too late to say anything to SS but it will feel quite liberating when you quit faking it. SS is no longer a kid. He does not have the right to come first anymore. You have the right to have your marriage be DH's top priority. Stand up for yourself to both the skids and DH. You deserve to be treated with mutual respect. Period.

No worries Sandy. I realize

No worries Sandy. I realize that it's not always easy to understand what people mean in these posts. This was the first time he did it in many years. When he was a child it would happen very infrequently when I tried anything resembling discipline. But I learned that as long as I required or requested nothing from him, we got along just fine. For this particular incident, my reasoning was that kids say things they don't mean all that time. But adults have maturity, empathy and insight. So saying those words as an adult just seemed very different than saying them as a 10-year old. It made me assume that he meant the words and wasn't just blurting them out as a child would. Hence the grieving.

In DH's defense, this was the first time I really lost it in our 14 year marriage. I'm sure he was totally shocked, disappointed and hurt. But for once, I didn't care. I was disappointed and hurt too and I was going to let him know it instead of keeping it bottled up inside.

I do deserve to be treated with respect, which is why I am not subjecting myself to these "family" trips any longer. I just wish I didn't feel so guilty about it. Thanks so much for your support.

Thanks for the comment, Step.

Thanks for the comment, Step. You say he is an adult and cannot be told what to do. I don't know about you, but I am told what to do by other adults all the time -- my boss, my co-workers, my personal trainer, etc. I may choose to ignore them, but we all are accountable to other people who have to share the same space with us. When this confrontation began, he said the reason he put his laundry into the machine but didn't turn it on was because the machine in our ski condo was "too complicated". I told him that he's a smart guy and I was certain he'd be able to figure it out. Bottom line, he was too lazy to put it on and figured someone would come along and do it for him. That is not adult behavior. My feeling is that I no longer need to share time or space with someone who doesn't treat me with the basic courtesy that a stranger at a laundromat would receive.

Your ss was a jerk and

Your ss was a jerk and disrespectful. What did he expect, for everyone to wait to do their laundry until he was good and ready to push a button to start the washer. What he did was intentional and meant to cause bad feelings. You were the target!

Stop paying attention to this man-child until he can grow up and be respectful. Your dh should have told you that he would talk to his mini-me about how he handled the situation. Dh did nothing and that is something you should really pay attention to.

Enuf, I don't think I was

Enuf, I don't think I was necessarily the target. As the entitled, over-indulged skid, he just assumed that DH or I would come along and do it. Admittedly, if my husband had been in this scenario instead of me, he would have just pushed the button and that would have been the end of it. But it was me. And I don't think that, as a person who needs to share living space with him, I shouldn't have any say in what he says or does. His college roommate wasn't his mother either but he had a say in how things were done. Why not me?