SD12 and spouse are moving out......

Forums:

We both decided it would be best for everybody. If you have read my posts you know the story already. No voice in my own home. Spouse won't consider my opinions. Dresses me down in front of SD12. Takes her side all the time. Basically puts SD12 first and not the marriage. SD12 zoning out and has problems to say the least.but I don't have to to be blamed for them anymore. And I get my home back and peace and tranquility. SD12 gets to continue to manipulate my spouse and my spouse gets to continue to be a lazy parent! Good luck to both of them. They will need it. Nevertheless this is going to be tough, despite it all, and it was the last thing I wanted to happen. But it has to. I can't take it anymore.
Any words of wisdom would be great, thanks.

surfchica - don't stress, you

surfchica - don't stress, you say SO is moving out, did you decide on separate living till SD moves out or is the relationship over.....

well I moved out 3 years ago, almost 4 and have 1.5 years left before Aergia moves out... My relationship is stronger then before, we have less and less fights, cause mainly because I disengaged....I give a shyt about Aergia...

I still go over to the house in the evenings, we still spend week-ends together, There's still some of my furniture there, I'm just not there and believe me SO hates it, we spend the week-end together like before Aergia moved in, she was away for the week-end... SO told me he can't wait for her to leave, finish school and just be off... cause it's nice to have a clean house, the whole week-end long, nice food to eat, no screaming and smashing of glasses cause I dare tell her to clean her plate from old rotten food...( I only ask her when I do dishes) I just smile and say..
well you can parent her more and tell her, no more money unless she cleans her dishes herself....

yeah I'm winning the battle daily... the war is almost at an end......

Sometimes the hardest thing

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

What does this mean for your marriage?

I don't know if it is truly

I don't know if it is truly possible to work on our relationship while living separately and apart. I mean, we talked about still "being together" even though we are living separately. Spouse even told SD12 in front of me " we are not getting a divorce or anything, we are just going to live separately". We still love each other; however, we have not worked as a family and SD12 may end of living with spouse longer than age 18 so I don't know where that really leaves us as a couple. I don't want community property to accrue so I may file for a legal separation as a first step.
I woke up this morning to that feeling that I have had so many times when we have talked about breaking up. That anxiety and pain. It is horrible. Then I also have the second guessing of myself. Was it really mostly me not liking this little girl and could I have just sucked it up and it would have been okay? Is it me? Should I have been more patient? Why couldn't I have just warmed up to this girl?
Then I reel myself back in (jerk myself really) and accept that things would have NOT gotten to this point had my spouse worked with me as a united front and saw me as a true equity parent in all respects. I mean, I was when I was doing for her, taking care of her, cleaning up after her but not when it came to having a true voice in discussing her "issues". Spouse wanted me to follow his lead all the time which really meant looking the other way, not worrying about much, not following through on anything and above all else, not upsetting the poor little thing! I wasn't about to tip toe around SD12's feelings anymore. If I "made her cry" my spouse would devour me in front of her. SD12 learned pretty quickly to manipulate the situation.
I was vilified all the time as the source of the SD's problems ( really???), scapegoated totally. The kid had issues when I met her 5 1/2 years ago. I tried to make things better by instilling structure and responsibility that my spouse undid at every turn and broke the cardinal rule of this site: "don't do more for your skid than their parents are willing to do".
This all sucks. It really does. And spouse moving out the week before Christmas. Horrible timing. Ruined holiday.

Thanks Jasper. Who knows the

Thanks Jasper. Who knows the future. I know I made myself crazy thinking I would be stuck in step hell. At least I know that if they move out I get some peace. And it really as been affecting my health. Spouse and SD are not happy either. I have been told that spouse cannot enjoy SD because of me. SD hides in her room a lot ( good for me and also because she is a teenager) but I get blamed for that with my SD saying that she feels like she cannot be part of the household. When I first met spouse SD TOOK OVER their household. Stuff everywhere. Dominated the big TV in the living room. Generally was always the center of attention and interrupted. When we got married and they moved in to my house I set some boundaries. The kid had to keep her stuff in her room and not take over the living room TV. She kept to that actually. But it was always a source of discontent for my spouse. And of course I am the problem.

Im sad for you partially

Im sad for you partially because this sounds like me. My SD19 thinks she can move back and forth between Cali and Michigan. She has been gone for 6yrs and now after graduating high school and sitting on her butt for a year. She moved with us. He says to help her get her life in order but he's not active when it comes to handling business so I can see this is gonna turn into a project that ruins our entire marriage.

surfchica - if I did not move

surfchica - if I did not move out, we would've ended it, it's truly the best thing I could do. I've been living apart now for 4 years....

We live about 10min from each other, I still go over every night, and in the beginning I would walk into the house, it was a pig stay, I would simply chat a bit, turn around and left for my place again. SO would ask me WTH - I would reply, if the 2 of you can't keep a tidy house I'm not coming over. (SO got so use to me playing maid)

Me moving out forced SO to start parenting Aergia, he had no other option, for the first 4 months they really enjoyed living without me, but when the honeymoon was over all hell broke loose, SO started parenting his brat, she did not like it much, I could not care, not my house not my problem. Oh the screaming matches, I went home allot of evenings and when SO called to find out where I am, I would simply reply, you are rude, this is not the way to behave when you have guests.

for a year or 2 it was fine, SO parented, I went over and slept over, then one morning I realized we are back were we where before I moved out.... I disengaged again, Now I do not go over every single night, I stay at home and SO can come to me, these men can so easily push their parenting over to you and it takes time before you figure it out, when everything is bad again. You only have to learn how to focus on your DH and him alone, ignore the skid, she's not yours and not your problem.

Learn to say NO, ASK YOUR DAD.... and the biggest win would be, stop telling DH how to parent his brat, accept that you have different parenting styles, you are not responsible for the person SD will turn out one day. As long as DH ensures she stays out of the master bedroom and bathroom..... That was one of the reasons I stopped sleeping over, now it's been 3 months with Aergia not allowed into SO's room or bathroom, I simply stopped sleeping over, I do not share my room or bathroom with a nasty kid.... I told SO this.... And I have my own clean bathroom at home, why would I share with his daughter? SO told me she's not allowed in his room anymore I smiled and said, yeah lets see if it's true, I still do not sleep over }:)

Now I enjoy going over to the house, just to piss of Aergia, she hides in her room when I'm there, I do not care.... If she complains about the food I prepare, I ignore her, and the next evening SO has to cook.... I simply say: this house are not thankful for food thus I'm not preparing any, I already ate.....

Never tell him your daughter, always tell him, your house is nasty, your dishes should be washed before you go to bed in the evening, your bathroom is a disaster.... your living room is full off clothes, shoes, old dishes I can't live like this...

Now SO does the same thing as what I do, if Aergia's stuff is all over the living room, he simply trash it, he asked me what to do, cause he's been telling her for years to tidy up, I replied then trash it..... and he trashes, he does not care what it is, if it's the laptop he locks it up for a month, she can ask beg and look for it, he simply tells her, I told you to tidy up, you ignored me....

It's not easy, but keeping things alive, you can invite him over to your house for some fun, when SD is with BM or grans or friends...
neck rubs, back rubs, foot rubs.... all works to keep the relationship alive, best thing is... quickies at your house... that half an hour SD is with friends.... you will not believe how men reacts when he's invited for a quicky....they get some sort of addiction lol and will find more and more time to spend with you...

It can work out perfectly but it's going to take time and allot of romance work.... from both sides, unfortunately you will have to start with it... and after a year your DH will have done nothing, then you stop, they get worried and they take over... I told my SO...
in a relationship there's a bucket between 2 people, and both parties has to put things into the bucket, and never take anything from the bucket, when one partner puts in and the other partner takes and takes the giving partner will loose interest, and I'm the giving partner... I'm loosing interest... funny SO started adding to the bucket, yes he still takes, but he will smile at me and says it's an emergency lol..... Into this bucket you put, love, respect, friendship and communication.....