I know how you feel! I haven't been dealing with the ex for as long as everyone else on here but I do think you just have to keep your head up. There have been times when I just want to give up but then I remember how much I love BF. It took a while to decide if this was what I wanted. The times of peace are so good but then I find myself just waiting for something bad to happen. It's like these evil BM's AND BFs know just when to strike! I've yet to figure out how to make it stop...let me know if you do! Hope everything gets better for you soon!

This is not good for you or the baby you are carrying.
You are thinking with way too much emotion and not enough logic. I'm sure your hormones are out of control right now, but you don't have to be.
Go schedule a massage, a facial, a body treatment. Something, anything.
Please do it. Jo

It is hard to be a stepmom, we are under the microscope to be some kind of super humans. So we try harder, we have to try harder to care for ourselves, otherwise we are no good to anyone....
take care

You are absolutely right...this ex thing is so overwhelming and hurtful. You are also right when you say that we allow these women to control our feelings. And just when things are calmed down and you think things are actually getting better...wham...smack...whack...in your face again! The sad thing is that many (not all...but many) men do not have a clue what or how this affects each of us or both of us. They think they are the only ones having to deal with it...but don't understand that we are players also. My husband and I have been through the divorce proceedings, the property settlement, the custody, the visitation, the PFA's, the child support, the child support, the child support (no I am not stuttering!). I just wish that there was some sort of accounting that went along with child support payments! Then there are the issues of health insurance, dental insurance, eye glasses...and on and on. Never did I realize when I met my husband that I would be dealing with some of this nonsense! I guess I had blinders on thinking that it would be pretty cut and dry and they would be able to talk through some of the issues. Talk??? Geez...they can't even talk on the phone...it's who can hang up on who first...and of course she makes sure the kids hear "only her side" so that she looks or so wonderful and innocent...when in reality she is a witch that ryhmes with B- - - -. I just keep counting...7 more years!

This is exactly what I needed to read tonight. Tonight we received copies from my SD's former counselor (BM had enrolled her into counseling not for the benefit of my SD, but in an attempt to hand feed lies to my SD so that she could repeat the lies to the counselor.) It never worked.... once we found out that SD was in counseling we demanded the counselor's information (as we are entitled to per the Parenting Plan) and we scheduled an appointment and cleared everything up). Its funny because BM says so many nasty things about us but once people meet us they quickly realize that BM is full of shit. Anyway, we received the counselor's notes which indicate all of BM's allegations toward us (more often toward me). It didn't work... we already went to court and she was already laughed out by the judge.... but it just drives me crazy to know that this woman has absolutely no limitations as to what she will do, who she will use and what she will say in her quest for total control.
We have Joint Custody of the kids and we have them nearly 50% of the time. I know that this woman's resentment stems from the fact that the kids love me very much and and it drives this woman crazy that her children thrive in our home. Simply put we are great parents and she is not and she is jealous. She will never have the stability and family life that we share because she continually messes it all up herself by cheating, lying, using and hurting people.

It is so weird thought because not only am I a stepmom but I am also a bio mom. I have an ex husband and he has a new wife and I love and appreciate my BD's stepmom. I love that my BD loves her stepmom and thrives in their home as well as mine. My husband, my ex-husband, his wife and I all get along great.... I assume because the four of us choose to put the kids first and not play petty games. I simply cannot understand where my husband's crazy ex comes from! How can she use her own children? I don't get it, but I do thank everyone for being here.... I cannot express how much this site helps me to get through the hard times.

. . . That we feel so bloody tired sometimes and want to just give up and walk away. It is SO hard and AnneMarie is SO right when she says that quite often the DH's don't realise how hard it is for US. We are the ones here venting, not many DH's here huh?

You will find your strength again to fight again. We all do.

The fact of the matter is that these evil BM's have too much time on their hands, too much vindictiveness and too much of the legal system on their sides. THAT sucks for us:(

After thinking about this for 2 years with my Hubby's evil ex, I got to thinking. I get on great with my ex and his wife (Father of My BS) I got on great with my ex boyfriends ex and their son (My past SS). My ex BF had no feelings of resentment for his ex nor did she have for him. I have no resentment for my sons BD and he has none for me. My Hubby doesn't bother to argue with BM but she is always trying to make his life miserable and things with SS got so much worse when I had bubby and got married. Is this resentment stemmed from feelings the BM has for our Hubby's?? Whether it be past or present 'broken heart feelings'? It seems when you can get along with the BM all feelings have been past resolved and is it the ones with unresolved feelings that make our world so miserable? Did that make sense? And if it does, does anyone think that may be the trouble with at least 50% of evil BM's?

I think your theory makes sense. In my case, our ex is not evil at all, and never causes problems that are mean spirited..But, because she still loves DH she goes out of her way to cross the boundaries in a very passive type of way..which still gets my goat and in theory still helps to cause 50% of our problems. (But since coming to this site I've learned that we are only responsible for our reactions...and if I don't react, if doesn't matter what she does, or why she does it. Right now, she's helping me ruin my marriage.

But even when I feel like I just cannot take one more thing, I always seem to be able to scrape enough gumption together to get through whatever comes my way next. Every battle you fight, whether you win or lose, makes you a little stronger, a little smarter and a little more capable. It doesn't last forever! (It just feels like it!)

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

My DH's ex is very similar. Here we are 10 years later and she still plays the same games. I have no idea why. We will have a nice 6 months or so of very limited contact and hardly any drama. I will just be settling in to the peace & tranquility, thinking the mess is behind us. Then her mental illness will come into season and the viper will raise its' ugly head again. Every fall it's the same story. All of a sudden there are issues with the children not wanting to come to our place. (Totally untrue when we talk to the kids - it's all in her warped mind). My DH will suddenly become an evil person who must be punished, and I am his spoiled wife.
Problem is my DH (who is usually very understanding) thinks that his ex's evil episodes affect only him! Last October I was very close to requesting a restraining order to keep her from contacting my home. (she laughed and called me names when she found out). My DH did not understand. He felt that because he was the one stuck talking & arguing with her that it didn't affect me. He didn't understand that I was afraid to answer the phone in my own home. I was afraid to answer messages on my work cell phone because she knows the number. I had physical symptoms too. Every time she called I got uncontrollable spasms in my hamstrings and my hands would shake for about 2 hours after every call. My DH's mood would be ruined and the rest of the day was taken up thinking about the arguments and the terrible things she said. Then at night, he would toss and turn because he was so angry with her and I wouldn't sleep either. I asked him what I had done to deserve this in my life. Worrying about him all the time takes it's toll too. I explained to him that what affects him affects me too. I suggested we have her cell phone blocked from calling our home. He felt that was extreme, since he needed contact with her for the children. Then I told him that if he didn't find a way to get her to back off I would get a restraining order myself. Our lawyer suggested he could help me - that's when my DH woke up and realized that BM was not only his problem, but our family's problem. Then, all of a sudden her meds kicked in and now she has left us alone for 6 months again. Can't wait for autumn. (sarcasm). Hang in there Tyra!

Tyra, I know exactly what you mean. I am engaged and not yet married and the thought of running has crossed my mind. I usually do not follow thru because the thought of the BM winning would make me cringe. I do not want to give her the satisfaction, but I also know that I am in an unhealthy relationship and BM is also helping me ruin my relationship. How about this one.....
What would you ladies do if your DH's child was making communion and BM called him up right in front of you and told him he was welcome to attend the party, but you were not invited because BM and her family do not want you there? At first he said that if I do not go, then he is not going. I think he was expecting me to tell him that it was okay for him to go without me. I did not say that and now I believe he has changed his mind. Get this...He is afraid to tell BM that I am his fiance. We have a wedding date for next June however, he did not tell his family, his daughter or his ex wife. When she refers to me as his girlfriend, he does not correct her. When I refer to myself as his girlfriend, he jumps to correct me that I am his fiance. I think I may be bailing out of this for good when I find out what he is going to do for this communion. I am usually on the back burner, but will not stand for it this time. My fiance is whipped by his ex wife and always sticks up for her.

I agree with you and that is how I have come to this site for advise... how much is to much and when should we stop? At least we're not alone

I cant just sit back and take it like I have been taking it. I do not have it in me not to react this time. I do not care what I have to lose anymore, this time is the final straw. If he goes without me then I walk over to him, stick his engagement ring in his hand and turn around and walk away quietly and never ever look back. I will not even so much as speak to him ever again. I lived like this for 7 1/2 years and I honestly believe June 3rd will be my day to leave him. I do not have faith that it will go my way. It rarely does. Everytime I think about it, I get knots in my stomach. When I see things coming up this summer season that we both like to do, I have this awful feeling that comes over me because I know we are not going to make it to do any of those things. He calls me pestimistic, I call it the story of my life. I will keep everyone posted. Thank you for your stories and your support.

I read the book too and its so true...the things we think about daily are the things we seem to bring about...Every time I ponder about the "ex" I try to push it out of my head....So far things have been quiet.

I myself have asked the question, What will ever be enough? My feeling is that their life is so out of control that the only thing they can control is bull crap that they start with the SM and BD and also mine involves the two SS's.

I have acutally prayed very hard and ask God to take control and whatever comes out of it I will give him the glory for it. That's all i can do

It's not the size of the dog, it's the size of the bark in the dog.

And you know what I did. I stopped! I made the desision to stop rolling in the mud. I had to let go of the idea that I could control the situation. By almost giving in and giving up I got a lot of myself back! I know it sounds strange but it was the best thing I ever did. I don't argue with ss mom. I don't try and make her understand our side anymore. She is his mom and has full custody and desision making. Most of the time her desisions aren't fair to us or my ss but that will fall on her shoulders when he is old enough to understand the situation. Until then we do the best we can with what we are given and accept the situation and our place in it. Good luck

I still keep a bit of an emotional distance for my own well being. And, most important of all, I love who I am now...which is something that I was quickly losing while I was in the midst of chaotic stepfamily life. One doesn't get far in life or have many others love them without first loving self.

Sorry I have not been able to log on to see your question. June third is the dreaded day. That is the day the event will take place. I want to see if he is really going to stand up for me or send me home why he attends the event without me. I have not heard about the Secret, but I will look into it after this post. If all goes well on the dreaded day, I am going to go all out to try not to let this witch control my life with her ex husband. I feel like she dictates how he should live my life with him. It is not going to be easy to fight the demon. She is an evil hypocrit.

Well, the dreaded day has come and gone. I went to the church part of the communion as nervous as all hell. I knew the clock was ticking away and it was only a matter of time when the shit was gonna hit the fan. After the mass, the "Wicked Bitch" had the balls to walk up to me and her words were, "Just to let you know, you're not invited to the party." I looked at her and said, "Yes I am, my fiance invited me." She said, "If you show up, you will be escorted out." For the first time in almost 8 years, her ex husband finally stood up for not only himself, but for me too. I thought he was going to send me home and go to the party without me and give the bitch her way. When we got to the place, she walked in the room where we were and started her typical BM shit with us. She spoke to my fiance as if she were his mother scolding him. At one point she told him "Look at me when I am talking to you." She asked me to leave and my fiance told her that if I left he was leaving. She said to him that he was ruining his daughter's day and he was upsetting her and he tried to make her see that she was the one who was ruining the daughter's day and not him at all, but of course again like the typical bitch that she is, she did not see herself at any fault here. She said she was going to call the police and have me escorted out. He said, good call the police but were are not leaving. She went downstairs in the restaraunt where her family and his family stayed until the bullshit was done and we waited there for about 15 minuted for the police to come. No police ever did come. They all just came upstairs and sat down at the tables and she ignored us, but we stayed and Mega Bitch did not get her way. I think she was just trying to call her ex's bluff thinking that he would send me home and he would stay, but surprise, surprise Miss Bitch....He did not budge. At one point she got in my face and started talking to me like I was a kid being scolded and I said, "Who the hell do you thing you are talking too like that?" I showed her that she was not going to intimidate me and that I was not afraid of her. At one point I think I even laughed in her face. She said that her daughter did not even want me here and only pretends to like me because she does not want to hurt her father. If that was the case, then her daughter puts on a really good act that would fool everyone. Anyway, I sat there thru the whole thing with my head held high and left there with so much satisfaction. Most of you ladies told me in one of my other posts to show the bitch that she does not bother me and hold my head up high. I did just that and it really does work. Thank you all for that advice.

There is so much in this thread that I can relate to (I even replied to it earlier!) Good that he finally stood up to her.

Tyra - I think things have moved on since I was last here. Good that you are making a go of things. Maybe there is light at the end ofthe tunnel?

I have been wondering lately why I am still in this relationship when all the time there is shit and chaos and acrimony. Soooo tired and battered but it won't go away coz DH won't walk away from it. Guess I need to do some thinking in the next few months. I am supposed to just shut up and put up as I have for years. I think he is attached to his baggage surgically.

There is so much I could say about recent events and manipulations by the ex but I just can't be bothered to bore you all with it. She won't ever give up. Sad cow. She just gets worse.

So yes, I do feel like giving up to answer Tyra's original question.

I know you're right. Maybe you could spell it out for me in terms of changing my thoughts. They currently sound like:

What am I doing in this stressful, thankless exsistence?

Can my relationship ever be like it used to?

Do I even still love this person - am I just too battered to tell?

Am I staying coz itis easier than moving and being poor?

Does anyone around me care how I feel?

I know the bitch won't stop but I so want her OUT of my life.

I don't even want contact with the kids coz it is just another way for her to weild control and be awkward.

I could go on but what is the point? The bitch takes most of his money, interferes with our lives and uses her kids like pawns - oh and now she appears to have replaced US within his family. just the icing on the cake you understand. . .

Tired, pissed off. . . me? Surely not

I know it is not over by a long shot. BM will still tell BF to jump and he will still say, "How high?" For some reason he still has fear of her. I am going to try my hardest not to let her get to me and anytime I am at one of SD's funtions, I will always hold my head high and show her who the better person is. I know it is hard for all of you to try to keep positive and keep your relationships going, but sometimes if you just keep in your mind who DH is with, you have to realize that you still come out a winner. Believe me, I know how hard it is to have that fight in your head of whether to stay or go. I tried to go many times within the past 7 1/2 years and always ended up going back. My daugher tells me I am a glutton for punishment...LOL. I am still trying to figure out why I put myself thru the misery. If I had it to do all over again, I would have chosen not to fall in love with a man who has kids. Maybe older kids, like 18 and up but never young ones. RUN 4 THE HILLS...try to hang in there and think positive and know that you are so much better than his ex. Try not to think about her and most of all, try not to let her get to you. Just try to focus on you and DH.

Good Luck

You ladies are lovely. Thanks for your comments it means a lot from people who have actually walked the grim mile!

Tyra, what are the golden rules here for change? Sounds like you've been to the brink and successfully changed your thought processes.

What did your ugly ex do in terms of DH's family and did she succeed? How can you make them truly see they are just being used as a revenge tool?

It sucks that even if you don't want to acknowledge them and give them the power - there are plenty of idiots in any DH's family who will. I pity them.

Big sigh