My boyfriends sister plays mom to his son.

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Ok. First post and I need some perspective on some things. I am dating a wonderful guy for almost a year now and he has this great little boy who is 8. Now the bio mom is not in the picture at all she has not been in contact in like 4 or 5 years and my boyfriend has full rights. No issues with the bio mom and his son loves me I spend time with him just the two of us more and more lately. Now my boyfriend still lives with his parents because his job unfortunately leads him to travel quite a bit. So the grandparents are a huge role in this little boys life but they are ready to move on and are good with me coming in and being like the mom. Oh and my boyfriend and I are talking about getting married and we already began the process of looking for a house to buy. All is really great except one tiny little thing my boyfriends sister/the aunt. She has stepped in and kinda played the mother role in this little boys life for the last 8 years. They are really close and I am good with him having a relationship with her I have an aunt who I was really close with too.

This past weekend boyfriend was out or town for work my cousin had a party for her little girl and I was like I should take the son with me. I went to my boyfriends place spent the weekend up there so I could take the son with me and have sometime to build our relationship. The aunt showed up and was there when we got back with all these gifts and she was also pretty drunk. I do take in consideration that she was intoxicated when she was talking and saying things but still rubbed me the wrong way.

She kept going on about how she is not happy with her job but they understand that she has a nephew and has to be there for him at the drop of hat sometimes. She can bring him to her work and let him tag around with her at the games (she works in minor league baseball). She kept saying when we got there I missed you to the son, she just saw him 6 days ago. She is always taking him on the weekends when his dad is not around and he sleeps over there even on school nights and she does not live in the same school district. His dad recently expressed he did not like this that he wanted his son home on a school night in his own bed. In her drunk state she was hugging all over him made him sit on her lap while they watched TV and it was very clear that he was not happy. She kept going upstairs to make sure he was getting showered and ready for bed and when he didn't want to go up right away she did the whole count down thing, you know 3....2....1.....ok that is it. Of course nothing happened. She also mentioned something like how she would take him all the time or would want him all the time. I do not remember the exact wording but it was in reference to that.

At one point when she was upstairs her mom the grandmother said she is just upset, that the aunt is afraid she will lose her relationship with the son and wont be included all the time. She went so far as to suggest that when my boyfriend and I move in together that she could take the son on the weekends. My response was yeah possibly she can do that once in a while but he is getting older and soon he will not want to be around her or do things with her it will be about his friends. Also I love this man and this little boy and would like to spend time with them doing fun thing son the weekend as a family. So not happening all the time and i have not mentioned really that the son says I love you to me and hugs me tight and does not like when I leave to go back home. He even mentions about us living together me him and daddy one day. The son really really wants that.

What do I do in this situation my boyfriend is on my side and totally backs me up with everything. We are on the same page I told him about everything this weekend and there was plenty more trust me he got upset at his family not me. This maybe my opinion but its like she is not excepting that my boyfriend, his son and I will be a family. I will be the mom figure in his life. Honestly from being around that whole family for the last several months the son does not see his aunt as his mom she is the aunt. Any advice on what me and my boyfriend can do to get it through her head she is not needed in that way anymore. Obviously us talking about moving in and actually looking at houses is not doing the trick. I do not think she is listening and actually seeing what the son wants and what is really best for him at this point. I truly think she will have a mental breakdown. Anyone ever deal with something like this?

Agree with this. Would add

Agree with this. Would add that your primary relationship is with your BF, focus on that. The kid is on the verge of his tween years and will start asserting his will more. He may want very little to do with you, tweens are finicky creatures even toward their own parents.

You sound like a caring person, so care enough to allow this child to keep the security he has. Be "a" positive woman/mother role in his life because you're "not the momma."

I understand my primary

I understand my primary relationship is with me SO. Him and I do make time for one another. You are right he is getting to an age where he sometimes wants to be with his dad or the adults in his life and there are times where all he wants to do is have fun and play with friends. I am good with that and his dad gets it to.

I talked to my SO about alot of this stuff recently and his son never saw the aunt as a mom only the fun aunt. That is great keep that relationship I think the aunt thinks she is more like a mom than she really is sometimes. Do not get me wrong I think it is great that she has been there and helped and stepped up and that is what she wanted. I just hope at some point her and the rest of the family that keeps telling me all the time, the aunt does not want to lose her relationship that it is not just me coming into the picture that is going to change that a little. He is also getting older and I agree with you in a few years he will want nothing to do with his dad, me, or her most of the time.

Since I posted this she has offered to include me in some activities and even offered to bring the son down to my place and go do something cause his dad is out of town. At this point I am keeping positive and just hoping for the best. I just really want people to stop telling me like I have total control over it the aunt does not want to lose the relationship. I do not want that either but my SO and I have both discussed that the first year of living together it will be different because my SO wants the three of us to get use to one another and get use to a new routine. If that is what he wants I am ok with that. When it comes to his son I let him guide the way and kinda follow along but I do speak up about certain things.

P.S. SO is looking for a new job and trying to find one that will allow him to be home all the time and not travel anymore. It will be a very small pay cut cause no overtime and extra money for travel. We both are very much ok with that.

Thank you, The original plan

Thank you, The original plan was to wait for a while before we took this step and by the time is all said and done we will not move in together until June of 2017. We are just getting our feet wet with a place.

His parents retiring and buying a place in Florida and moving down there most of the year is what jumped start our timeline. My boyfriend is 28 and I am 31 while I know older people make mistakes we are really not going into this blind. I still do not know what is to come or how it will all play out. I know his BM not being around has had a large impact on him. I know he has asked about her and who is she and his dad tells him and talks to him about it. Not all the details but enough so an 8 year old can understand. I am not sure she will ever be back in the picture she has not been for years and doe snot pay support or anything.

I do have my thoughts about what may happen and my hopes I promise I am trying to keep perspective on things too. I have not demanded anything from him when it comes to his son my boyfriend guides that for the most part right now.

My biggest concern at this point is the Aunt just not being able to let go even a little. I do not want animosity among that family dynamic, I do not want to take anything away from anyone. I do appreciate you telling me your experience. I have not found much on a BioDad having full custody.

His BM just stopped coming

His BM just stopped coming around. She was young and from what I have been told she has more kids and is I think married to someone else. She was not very involved before she stopped coming around. She let my boyfriend take the son when he was only like 2 month old.

I never thought in my life I

I never thought in my life I would play this kind of role. I can honestly say I am truly happy. Yeah I may still be in the dreamy side of things in my relationship but him and I both had pretty bad past relationships and we talk about everything. We are on the same page about a lot of things.

I do not want to burn that bridge I really don't I am happy he has had that person in his life and someone there. It is becoming more and more it is mentioned to me that she does not want to lose him. While I get I can not control everything that happens. I guess I am looking for advice on how my boyfriend and I should navigate this situation moving forward with out cause a split in the family.

His parents are putting their house on the market in a few months and moving for Florida.

The gparents are pretty on

The gparents are pretty on board with everything they let me come up and spend time with the son when his dad is out of town for work. They are actually happy that I am willing to take him spend time with him. Thank you for the advice.

During the summer she is not

During the summer she is not around much cause her job requires her to work a ton of hours. She comes over for dinner and things like that and will take the son for an overnight if she can.
She helped plan his birthday party and bought party favors for it. She does not do any mother son activities at school with him that I know of. I never really asked I guess I should.
She is not the coach she is not at every little thing he is involved in. Cause if she has something work related she does that first.
Again the the summer she is not really around. He was home this summer except for two weeks at one point and another week at another point.

Isn't anyone concerned about

Isn't anyone concerned about the aunt being a drunk? I cringe at the thought of sending a small child to spend the weekend with someone I might not trust to stay sober.

No you are no where near a

No you are no where near a horrible female/mother. Sister is soon to be 34 and I have seen her drink and be around the son, I do not have an issue with that. No she was not responsible for the boy on a Saturday night when she was there so yeah she could let loose. As soon as I came back with him and I stayed the night in the spare room she just jumped in and began acting like the mom. That did not really bother me and I sat back and just kinda let it happen cause I did not want to start anything. What bothered me about the situation is that she just kept like hugging him and fawning all over him because she was upset and very drunk like super wobbly and couldn't even get a clear thought out. He kept trying to pull away from her and just wanted to be left alone.

I told the son he could stay up an extra half hour to watch a movie cause he had behaved so good all day long. Also the clocks were changing back an hour. I was not expecting her to be there when I said this was ok as I was the one responsible for him at that time. She was drunk and kept telling him ok you have to go to bed it is 9 that is your bed time. he tried to explain to her he could stay up and when she wouldn't listen i spoke up and said 930 is fine. I do not usually do that but I know clocks were changing and is was the weekend.

I do have a glass of wine or two when I am around him. After he goes to bed if I had a long week I may have another. I am not saying do not drink in front of him.

I'm sure everyone here has

I'm sure everyone here has been drunk before, that doesn't mean we are all drunks.

Thank You, I would honestly

Thank You, I would honestly say your advice is good and sound. There are some other very concerning things for me that I did not mention and choose not to cause I feel that it should stay private. The aunt is 33 and soon to be 34 you have a very valid point about the BM, I do not think she will be stepping back in and even is she did his Dad my boyfriend has complete say on if she even gets to see him. It is documented and has been that way for quite some time i think since he was 2. He does not receive any support or anything from the BM.

I can honestly say I am not trying to take anything away from her, I really am not and I understand that this has been his family I should have mentioned in my post that the grandparents are retired and bought a place in Florida and they made that decision before we decided to look for a place to live. It was not all me going in and disrupting this situation. I am not demanding anything from anyone here.

I never did look at the situation from that perspective and I think it does make it easier to maybe look at it a little that way.

Thank You Again.

No he is not trying to cause

No he is not trying to cause a rift in the family. He always says he wants what is best for his son and he is going to look for a new job where he does not travel at all anymore. Him and I have disagreed on things and we have had a fight here and there but he just tells me when I get worked up or stressed out about this situation, that we will make it work. Honestly I look at him and I am like are you for real? I have never experienced this before. We work together and him and I have discussed this alot. He does not want to ditch the aunt trust me he still wants that relationship to be important. He also wants and I would like to see it happen at some point to where the three of us are our own kind of family unit. He does not want to push anyone out.

You make some valid points

You make some valid points and maybe right. I look at the situation from an interesting perspective while what I grew up with is not totally the same I have some things in common with his son. My Biodad and mom divorced when I was 11 like I said not the same, but he was not a good dad he was mean and abusive and pretty much has not really been involved in my life for a very long time now. He will text me like twice a year and I do not respond and my brother has nothing to do with him really. At one point I did not hear from him for like 2 years. Pretty much since they split I had one parent, my mother and my aunt and uncle lived really close and I would spend alot of time with them. They were always there for me and helped my mom out alot.

Anyway my mother remarried when I was 16 to my stepdad who I refer to as dad when I talk to people and I even told him I consider him my dad. It was no where near an easy transition at first but he stuck it out and he was there to help my mom when it came to me. He never had children but he supported me with everything I did and I was able to go to college and have this great life because of him. At 16 I did not see that at all but I do now and I love him dearly for it.

I am not expecting the same thing in the situation I am in. I do know from experience that BioParents are not always your parents. Sometimes it is the people that are there for you 24/7, take you yelling i hate you and still wanting to be there and support you.

His aunt has done that, I think to some extent, but she does not live with them and never has. She has her own house.

Maybe I am opening myself up, I do not know that for sure. Maybe unit was the worn word i do not know. I know it will never be like what is portrayed as the traditional family unit. I can hope we find our own rhythm at some point that makes everyone comfortable and happy.

I agree with Heaven on many

I agree with Heaven on many points. This is not a conventional situation, and there is much potential for future unhappiness for you.

You are planning on marrying a man who has a child, but has no idea how to parent. He has farmed out that responsibility for many years, which does NOT reflect well on him. Many parents need a little help from family from time to time, but this guy has made no effort to adapt his life to one that would permit him to care for his son full time. That speaks to character, and should be a big concern for you.

Now, you've entered the picture and want the home, the family and the white picket fence. And your guy is all agreement, because he'll still have someone to be the nanny, cook, and bed warmer while he ignores his responsibility as a parent. If he had a clue he'd realize that what you two are planning is going to completely destabilize the existing paradigm.

If your SO truly want to make a future that BLENDS everyone, he needs to acknowledge his past parenting mistakes and create a step by step plan that includes the GPs and the aunt. He needs to get his own place and parent his own kid, and that should be a deal breaker. It is up to your SO to navigate that transition before integrating with you, and that poor kid's needs should be put first.

To sum it up, the existing dynamic will take time to change, requires much effort from your SO, and is beyond your control. As someone who married a man who abdicated his parenting responsibilities (and I also have the enmeshed SIL), I encourage you to avoid the situation altogether. There are plenty of other men out there.

Ok I think I need to clarify

Ok I think I need to clarify something he did not farm out all his responsibilities. After his son was born I will say he was a little lost cause he was a single day and only 21 at the time. So yeah re relied on his family alot but he went back to school got a technical degree and got a job. At first that job had him work from 3 in the afternoon to 11 at night so he was not really around a lot and hated it. After about a year he switched ot day shift 6 to 230 so he could be home when is son got home and off the bus. Yes he is gone for work but he is never really that far and usually is home on the weekends. This past year he was home alot more than before. After this trip he is on now he is going to start looking for a new job so he can be there for his son more. Not for me. He does not at all want me to shoulder all the responsibility.

He is trying to navigate I in my opinion by having me around more when he is home. I even told him that if he just wants to spend time with his son just him i am good staying home. His son wants me there the son is really happy when I am around. I do not spoil him and I do what his dad does and let his dad take the lead.

Yeah pretty much she gave

Yeah pretty much she gave birth and dropped out. He gained full custody before she totally dropped out cause she had some issues and he wanted to protect his son.

I am not totally sure why she stopped coming around or what maybe she thought it was best for the kid no one really seems to know.

He is not absent I have witnessed it. He travels for work but when he is home and that can be for two months straight or more. He travels for work I would say less than half the year total but he will still try to be home on weekends if he can. While I get it still not great cause at first I didn't get it. What I did see is when he is home he picks up the son from the bus play catch with him takes him to practices for whatever sport he is in. He reads with him everynight and practices guitar with the son every night he is home. when he is there he is there all the way. He is the parents when he is home.

His son is number one in his life and I am good with that. I still appreciate your advice.

His son is number one in his

His son is number one in his life, and where does that put you? Also, your BF's sister "plays Mom" to his son. How would you describe what you would be doing if you go through with this looming disaster?

Auntie is not going to be happy about losing her nephew to a new nanny. And yes, her opinion matters a great deal, as do the opinions of the rest of this apparently very close family. Run far, run fast. You won't, of course. You seem enchanted with your future employer, er, excuse me, husband. But remember that you heard it here on Steptalk first.

Cynically yours,

I would cut her some slack,

I would cut her some slack, like other posters have said, she's played a big role in this boys life. My mother misses my son after not seeing him for 24 hours - this doesn't bother me, I love how much she loves my child.

Also do you really truly want to take on the 'mom' role? I would love if I had a SIL who wanted the skids a lot and didn't require CS lol!!

Its awesome that you love his

Its awesome that you love his son the way you do. That's half the battle. I wouldnt feel threatened by the love and attention the aunt is giving. She practically raised him. Don't edge her out. A child can never have too much love. Just my two cents.

I want to sat thank you while

I want to sat thank you while I have noticed on here some extreme differences of opinion. Maybe my responses sound defensive I wasn't trying to be. I just think I didon't paint a very clear picture of everyone involved. This little boy is really great a handful but great. I think his son wants me there and love having me around. He had a project at school to make a placemat about his favorite things in fall he mentioned his dad and me. Those were the only two people he said. He is really excited about us living together. I get he is 8 and doesn't understand fully what that means what is going to happen and how things will change.
My biggest concern with the aunt is she never mentions she wants what is best for the son only how it will change for her. Maybe I am stressing too much about everything I don't want me coming in to cause family tension all because I don't want the son to miss out or lose a bond he has.
Me stepping aside is not an option while many have said I should run. I love him I really do.
Thank you for the support and the kind words they really do help.

I stopped reading at BF still

I stopped reading at BF still lives with his parents, and with his son ....

you've been dating a year, Hon leave this relationship now.... it will safe your sanity, find a man who has his own apartment and no children. Believe me if I say a man with a child living with his parents, huge red flag.... huge huge red flag.....

I always had my own place even in the days when I was only 3 nights a month in town and rest out of town.... I never even considered living with my parents. yeah so what I paid rent and I hardly slept there,

Ok, Well while appreciate

Ok, Well while appreciate everyone's opinion on what I posted I do however like to point out that I never once asked for advice on my relationship. I did not give every last detail about how him and I function. All I wanted was some advice on how to make the Aunt feel like I am not trying to take anything away from her. It is not my intention to leave her out but all she is concerned with in my opinion is on how this will effect her, not the son. Part of me gets if I have a niece and nephew while I am not super close with them cause we live several states apart I love them dearly and would do a lot for them if I had to.

Again I am pointing this out it is not me coming in and changing everything the Gparents decided that was going to happen when they bought a place in Florida and decided to move down there. My BF and I are just trying to make good on what has been presented to us and making the best decision for everyone involved. The Gparents have played a much bigger role than they aunt in the child's life and they are on board with me coming into the mix.

If you have advice about how I should handle the situation that does not involve me walking away or just taking a complete back seat I welcome it. If all you have is to post negativity I kindly ask you to not do it.

P.S. I talked to my BF about everything last night and got a better understanding of the dynamic. The son see the aunt as just the aunt. She has never been seen as a mom to him.

fine, accept the fact that

fine, accept the fact that the Aunt will never see you as some one important in SS life, she will always be there, like a BM.... and there's nothing you can do to change this,

Thank you. I personally grew

Thank you. I personally grew up with a terrible dad and he was truly in all honesty a horrible parent. My BF from what I have seen is not and again I will say this when he is home and not out of town for work he does parent his son. He doesn't let his son run around and go crazy, he doesn't let the aunt make all the decisions or the gparents. He make him go to bed, do his homework, takes away things for like a week or two when the son is acting up, he tells everyone what he wants when he is gone and how the son is not allowed to have certain things.

Example his son was playing on his kindle alot and video games a little too much this past summer and it was causing some attitude problems. So his dad said enough is enough no more video games for a while and even movies that have violence in them. After some time he allowed the kindle back into the equation, but only for 30 minutes a day and that is it. The games he plays are more like mazes and puzzles now. The dad made sure everyone involved carried this through when he had to go out of town for work.

Yes maybe I maybe in lala land I have no clue right now. I won't know until I try. I appreciate what you are saying to me I really do. I understand that sometimes it does not work and sometimes it does. I am a child of divorce and a very bad absent dad. I had a great stepdad come in when I was 16. Believe me it was no easy it took a very long time for him and I to be where we are today.

My mom was single for many years and relied on relatives to help out and do things for us kids when she couldn't. I get that part of why he has possibly made some decisions the way he did. He does really try to set rules and be a parent when he is not home but unfortunately no one really seems to follow them when he is not there. He has gotten to the point of wanting to switch jobs nothing to do with me, because he wants to be there for his son and really know what is going on and give is son a more structured home. He was already making steps towards that before I came into the picture.

He may say I am not the parent at some point I do not know that. I do not my mom never once pulled that card on my stepdad when they got together. There are good scenarios out there and yeah I am hoping for the best here but I do think about the worse and I express those fears to my BF. My stepdad never saw me as an "outside resource-sucker" he gave me a good life and made it so much better. I will not go into this relationship thinking that way. Then there will be issues.

I honestly believe at this point in my life and experience plenty of heartache from past relationships, this is the best thing for me, my bf and the son. Again I will keep your advice in mind and talk more to BF about potential issues that may arise and get a better feeling on what they future will entail.

ThankYou

Thank you so much by the way.

Thank you so much by the way. She is 34, she has had many relationships from my understanding and they never worked. Not sure she can have kids i really do not know. Want hear a fun twist to this whole story. His sister was my boss back in college when I interned for the local minor league baseball team. I never met him at that point cause she moved on and to a different team that was closer to her family. She has sat there an admitted to me slightly intoxicated on another occasion that he is the one thing that makes her happy. When she is asked what is the one thing that makes you happy is is always the SS.

I am was like that is good I get it you are close. She keeps crying about everything changing in her life. Everyone around her is moving on to different things and I think she is not handling it really well I am not sure. I do not want SS to lose his relationship with his aunt I just really want her to be ok and not have a break down because everything is changing. Alot of things were already going to change even without me in the picture.

I like your views on this

I like your views on this situation. I read your other post and trust me I thought the same thing when we go together and have even said something to him about it.

I was like am I here just to fill in a gap because your parents are moving to FL. Do you look at me and think hey this is perfect I can still keep my job and have someone to take care of my son. He said absolutely not. When he is back from traveling in two weeks he is going to fix up his resume and start applying for a new job. He even has reached out to some contacts of his to see if anyone is hiring anywhere else and if positions are opening up. his parents moving was actually not suppose to happen for another like two year from now. But the Gmom
got pushed into retirement about a month ago so their plans changed after we started dating.

Your suggestion on pre-marital counseling I think is a really good idea. He has an even more rose color view on how everything will play out. I am the one bringing up all these what ifs.

I have thought about moving closer and making things easier and taking that small step. I even looked for a place for a few months that I could afford and also bring my pets. Nothing really popped up. So I stopped cause right now I am month to month where I live and can move out anytime. I did not want to sign a year lease and be stuck at this point. We both want to move in before next school year starts. Just to make things easier.

I know you say well why can he cause of his son. Him getting a place to rent on his own, there area where he lives is expensive to rent, is not really all that possible, Maybe but it would be a really Junky place in not the best area. I really do like your advice and maybe we will put us living closer together for little back on the table. I will probably look for a counselor, maybe they will have some good insight.

Thank You

I honestly think my BF has

I honestly think my BF has made alot of decisions on where to live based on his son. Living with his parents gives is son a huge yard to play in and they have a dog too. I even had the thought at some point so what why didn't you just live in an apartment for a little while and manage it all on your own. I was no around and not there but I do think he was trying to give his son what he thought was the best thing.

We live an hour apart and we met because he was a groomsman in my cousins wedding. We met again later at my cousins place on new years eve. We decided to see where things would go and how they would evolve.

He did save up a nice little nest egg these last few years and will be using that to put down on a house. Trust me I have suggested to him to rent a place for a year on your own and he is stubborn on this subject only he sees renting as throwing away money. A lot of people see it that way, not sure totally why but I just say ok. Before I came into the picture he was planning on buying a place on his own and the gparents were only going to be around in the summer when the son was not in school once they moved to FL.

There was all these plans already in play before I came into the picture and honestly they only just recently changed. As of now the plan is to find a place in between our jobs. Me leaving my job is not really an option because I have a really good job and work for a pretty great company that understands having a family and all that is involved with that. They tell people when something happens and they have to run and go pick up their kids, go please go hope everything is ok. I keep getting raises and take on more responsibility so we both decided that I should stay where I am at. His background he can work a lot of different place and there are many within in 40 minutes of where we plan on living he can go work at.

I have lived with a man and you are right money is a huge fight that can happen. He spends money like me, hardly at all except on what is necessary and occasionally on something fun for him and his son to do. We is frugal like me tries to watch every penny. He says you know we can same money by growing a garden, I just look at him like seriously I know that is true but you going to do the work cause I would rather just go buy my veggies at the store.

Sex for us is good I am sure once we live together that it will be less cause it happened in my last relationship and yes you guessed it fought with my ex about it. I wanted more he didn't turns out he cheated on me. I know that can happen I have been there. As for fighting about the son I am not sure what will happen I can hope we do not really do that but I am sure at some point it will happen. It happens in families with two BioParents. My parents would fight all the time about raising me and my brother before they divorced.

He has holes in his shirts and I think he only owns like three pair of jeans. He hates shopping.

That is really good advice, I

That is really good advice, I really want to thank you for not just putting down everything you think I maybe doing wrong but giving me actual honest advice. Maybe that is what we will do I do not think it is a bad idea. I want his son to feel safe and secure. That really is one of my biggest priorities in this relationship, I want what is best for his son, I do not want his whole world to change and if things do go south in a year or so it all to be completely disrupted again. It can be hard on some kids for that to keep happening and some kids are ok with it. I do not want to risk it. So everything in is name maybe the best way to go.

We have talked about things like this a little. We are seeing one another this weekend cause I am driving to where he is working for the weekend, it is allowed, to have some discussion about things without anyone around and face to face.

I know his plan is to get married one day. Honestly he would do it soon, I put the breaks on that one saying way too soon. Let us live together first.

I have noticed plenty of

I have noticed plenty of people telling me to get out and run for the hills. While I am not bringing kids into this relationship I am really happy you have said something to my post and laid it all out there for me. Him and I do put everything on the table we do not hide things or keep things from one another.

We both were cheated on and left for and in his situation he was left to raise a kid, i was not. I live on my own and take care of myself, my two cats, and apartment with no help. I know if things go south I will be able to leave and be ok, he does not have that. I hope it never comes that truthfully. I will give it some long hard thought about who should be buying the house, and maybe it will be best for just him. I know this man I am with because we do not hold back. I am pretty clear on what I am getting into here. We have talked about how we would handle taking care of his son and who will be responsible and everything like that. We agree on those details and subjects. Just like you we do not have time for games and neither one of us wants to mess things up for the son.

In a perfect world right now he will get a new job soon that he has heard about and will not have to travel anymore in the next like month or so. If that does happen maybe him and i will talk about his parents going to FL and him staying at his parents pay them rent to live there and he does it all on his own for a little while before we settle in. I know not totally moving out and buying all his own stuff but it is something. He also does not let his sister the aunt do too much for the son. (He does pay like a little each month to his parents now for living there.)

I just need to be patient where there aunt is involved and hope that she finds something besides her nephew to keep herself busy and make her feel whole. I will not keep her away.

We are looking into that

We are looking into that cause he never had issues before when he went to his one friends house. At my place one time he got a little red on his face we were not sure if it was them. Then this friend got a new cat and he went there and was having some issues with red puffy eyes. He came to my place again petted the cats and washed his hand before touching his face again and no issues. His dad is taking him at an allergist to be sure though. He wants to know so when the son is at a friends house he takes allergy meds before he goes over there.

The BM was not really around

The BM was not really around much for the first 4 years the son has no clue who she is or any memory of her. He has been getting help from his parents since the son was born. While he was in school he was taking care of the son all the time taking him to child care and everything else. When he got his job about 3 years ago he relied alot on the parents and then switched shift so he could be home more and not miss out on as much in is sons life. You think traveling he would miss more but working second shift he missed more. She does not live with them she has her own house. She really only comes around when it suits her schedule or take the son when she is free. When his is home he does not ask anyone to watch his son or do anything for him he takes it all on. I have witnessed it. When we first go together it was hard to find time to see one another. Maybe a couple times he asked someone to watch the son so we could go to dinner otherwise he just waited until the aunt offered to take the son.

"I told the son he could stay

"I told the son he could stay up an extra half hour to watch a movie cause he had behaved so good all day long. Also the clocks were changing back an hour. I was not expecting her to be there when I said this was ok as I was the one responsible for him at that time. She was drunk and kept telling him ok you have to go to bed it is 9 that is your bed time. he tried to explain to her he could stay up and when she wouldn't listen i spoke up and said 930 is fine. I do not usually do that but I know clocks were changing and is was the weekend."

I guess I am a little bit confused about why you were dictating his son's bed time. He is living with his grandparents right? If so, shouldn't they dictate the bedtime? Or was he considered to be under his Aunt's care and again.. it should have been her decision.

I think I am agreeing with what others are saying. You are moving too fast and are putting yourself in a position prematurely (mommy). It sounds like the GP's and his sister chipped in and made sure the kid was cared for and raised while his mom was absent and Dad was otherwise occupied. If you DO move in and get married etc.. it probably makes sense that you will end up with more parent type duties. However, I would imagine that the boy would still want a relationship with his aunt and probably would want to stay with her some weekends

You should actually take it as a blessing instead of trying to horn in and take over their roles with the child. My DH's kids were mostly with either his EX or his mom and dad growing up. It honestly was great that the kids had an open home environment with the inlaws. It meant we could do adult things together without any kids:).

I think you would do really well to just sit back and try to just watch how things are done. Take your lead from your boyfriend when he is home and let the others take the lead when he is not. Your relationship is really fresh. Do you think that his parents and sister might be worried at the hurt that would result from you getting too involved with the kid and then you two breaking up?

Honestly no one has even

Honestly no one has even mentioned the what if we break up scenario. I don't think they really think of that. You maybe right maybe I should sit back and just see how it all plays out. I am good with her taking him some weekends I have no problem with that I really don't. I guess I am just getting frustrated and tired of hearing all the time about how she does not want to loose the relationship and is afraid she will never see him again. Pretty much crying and tears are flowing when she says this.

I keep telling her that will not happen but things will just be different no matter what happens. Even if I was not in the picture and my BF got a job where he was home 24/7 it would change the dynamic a little. Even my BF says she is a little crazy sometimes and like super emotional. I am trying to just take that in but when I am around and the son wants to sit on the couch with me and his daddy between us you can kinda sense she is hurt by this.

I get it I do she is use to the son sitting with her and wanting to do activities with her cause she is the fun person in his life. I am not telling him he has to sit with us he just does it. Maybe I just have to accept that she will just always kinda look at me like I took the one thing away from her. Even though that is not what I am doing at least I am not trying to.

I guess I would just try to

I guess I would just try to be somewhat understanding that she is fearful of losing her relationship with the child.

I would stop trying to "help" her understand that things always change and just go to a more general reassurance. "he will always love his aunty.. you are an amazing woman and have done so much for him" Maybe even gently remind him to snuggle some with her too watching tv or whatever. Kids can be tonedef and you are the "new toy".. but he is also probably wanting to sit with you to to put a buffer between you and his dad.

That is a good way to go

That is a good way to go about it moving forward. At first I think it was a buffer between me and his dad. He wanted to sit next to daddy when we went out to eat or between us at the movies. He does it more now cause he likes it and wants to sit with both of us. He sometimes sits next to me at dinner now instead of his daddy that is cause he wants to I do not force it. He doesn't say gross when his dad gives me a small kiss on the lips when we say goodbye anymore. Maybe next time we are all together aka thanksgiving I will tell him to go sit with his aunty. He is tonedef sometimes I have witnessed it.

LoL Love it!

Maybe I will try to be more

Maybe I will try to be more friendly with her. I do invite her along to things we all went to a festival we had an extra ticket so I invited her and she came along. This past weekend I took him to do some fun things and asked his dad is that was ok, he said yes, I asked the gparents who he lives with if that was ok with them too. They said yes and asked if I wouldn't mind taking him to his basketball evaluation session. I get a test from her at one point just telling me that she is going to take him on saturday night. I got upset and was like what and when I explained to her the plan, I think she felt let out and not included. Again she is not his legal guardian and does not live there so I did not think to ask her permission. maybe I should have said something to her. I talked to his dad and everyone else.

All I can say if maybe it is in my head, after that I just got this bad vibe from her like she did not want me there at all. I have no clue. I really do not.

Kill em with

Kill em with kindness.

Instead of seeing her as someone that is a competitor or an impediment. Be her friend and be so stinking nice to her that she will not be able to have a problem with you.

Shoot, ask her opinion on things about the boy. Make her feel like she is still relevant, involved and important. You may need her as an ally one day.

I have always said that it is best if you have a good relationship with your SO's family. It gets tough when you aren't.

Thank you, I will try to do

Thank you, I will try to do that at Thanksgiving. Kill her with kindness sounds like a good plan. I do not like being mean to people or having like bad vibes. I like good things if I can do it. I will try that approach too.

Thank you, I will try to do

You want to know the worst

You want to know the worst case if you do this? She may still have a little bit of a cold shoulder towards you, but everyone else will think you are an absolute SAINT. Your BF and his parents will really appreciate the fact that you bend over backwards for the harmony of the family.

LOL yeah I think you maybe

LOL yeah I think you maybe right with that one. Thank You so much.

You are here

My boyfriends sister plays mom to his son.