SD's 21st - help!
My SD's 21st is the end of this month. About 3 months ago my husband came home from catching up with her and said "Oh SD and her mum have booked a venue and her mum has paid $800 deposit." I was surprised mainly on the deposit payment because we usually pay for everything. I said "That a good start I guess."
No more discussion for a few weeks so I say "I thought I would let you know that even though it may be awkward because SD's mum won't want me there, if SD20 invites me, then I am willing to attend. My thoughts are the night is about SD20 but its also a night where parents are acknowledged and you deserve that. I want to support you and also go because I think it makes sense because we are married. I know that it may be very awkward as SD20 hasn't invited any of the family friends I know and like. However I am happy to be humble and supportive which is typical of a middle aged person' role at a 21st anyway."
What has transpired since has not been pretty.
Turns out that;
- SD20 picked the same premiere location her dad had his 50th
- SD had agreed to a $4000 minimum fee in writing
- Above happened in consultation with daddy months ago
- He did not consult me
- We had a previous agreement that all major decisions and spends would be discussed
What's worse is that he has been saying negative things that are not even slightly true to me like;
- well i haven't discussed this because you would ruin it like you ruined her end of year concert
- you and your parents have not enquired about SD20 for a year
- you are not interested in SD20 and now just because there is an event you are interested
He has apologised now and told the truth. I am still seething. I need to stop because its only making me unhappy and it makes me look like an "emotional" female whereas up until now in every part of this particular scenario, I have been completely reasonable.
All I can think to do is just withdraw and be quiet for a while until I have this under control in my own body? I also booked to see a family counsellor today so I can get me head clear. Part of me wants to run away and not ever have to deal with this stuff ever again.
Any ideas? All advice readily accepted.
My DH would be sleeping on
My DH would be sleeping on porch tonight.
Yes, this was disrespectful
Yes, this was disrespectful and rude of your husband to do this to you. What bothers me most, is that he attempted to blame his withholding of information regarding your mutually held finances--on you! He is quite clever is how he shifted his secrecy and withholding of important information from you--to you. You have every right to be unhappy and angry, I would be livid with spending 4000.00 on this event period; how much will a wedding look like then? You may wish to discuss this now!!!!
You did nothing to deserve this and never let him blame you for his inappropriate behavior. I would carefully monitor finances from here on out-too.
He is wrong at every level.
He is wrong at every level. You are his wife and he needs to discuss with you prior and the key word being prior to making financial commitments. Having the nerve to blame you tells me you've been too nice for too long and hes taking full advantage. You need to put your foot down. Ofcourse you would want her to have a nice party but that is seriously an insane amount of money to spend for her 21st birthday.
Two questions. 1) How do I
Two questions.
1) How do I keep myself sane whilst I process this?
2) Do I go to the 21st after what has happened?
ps if I don't go, he'll say "See you never really wanted to. You don't like my daughter."
Honestly I never wanted to go but was offering to from the very best place in my heart. I do not know if it is a knee jerk reaction but I find myself contemplating a future without him and certainly off the hook for having to attend this party.
Talk to your councellor and
Talk to your councellor and hopefully she will give you ways to keep sane.
No, I wouldn't go if I were you. It will just upset you to see all the extravagance.
When he says you don't like my daughter, be honest with him. If you don't like her, tell him and give him all the reasons you don't like her. Tell him that you were willing to go because you love him and you were prepared to smile and be polite and respectful, all for him but no not because you like her.
Being honest should be a starting point for both of you. You can then decide if you want to carry on in the future with him.
Yep, time to split the
Yep, time to split the finances - but make sure you get $2,000 from him first(secretly of course) - before you wind up paying for 1/2 of an expensive wedding. If he is willing to spend $4000 on SD's birthday he should be willing to spend MORE on your anniversary - right?
Who spends this kind of money
Who spends this kind of money for a 21st birthday bash? I would just have a re-do of the 10th birthday party at Chuckie Chesse and call it a day.
I know right? Its a stupid
I know right? Its a stupid amount of money. It does not even make sense. She is a relatively quiet person who hasn't tended to have lots of friends.
If asked, I would have said lets check around with other parents about what is a normal range of spending and then offer something in that range as a budget plus a nice present.
Lets compare it to her 18th which at the time I thought was given too much air space as well. She was angling for something expensive and instead I just suggested a place that was fashionable, young and still reasonable. She ended up going for that place. They had a great night for about 30 people at $30 a head. $900. More importantly it made everyone happy and there was a respectful consultation.
What has happened in between?
I am so so angry right now. Off to counsellor and trying to also do my full time job in between feeling like kicking the walls and screaming.
OMG! I so feel your pain! I
OMG! I so feel your pain! I have 3 SD. My husband just can't do enough back flips for them! Nauseating to say the least!! He never discusses any finances with me when it comes to them. We just celebrated her 22nd bday. Dinner for 8 plus cash gift. Plus they each got a Sweet 16. When are we done with this?! Also a car for each of them when they turned 17. Used but still cost each car 7-8,000. We are a blue collar family makeing $70,000 a year. Plus he still is paying child support. Oh the guilt! No amount of money that he spends will ever free him from this. I have one 16 year old boy and I was afraid to make a big deal of it. In hindsight I should have!
Good luck! I'm in the same boat as you. Every day I want to "abandon ship"
Thankyou for the
Thankyou for the feedback.
Went to see counsellor. It helped.
We came to the conclusion that it was the lack of consultation that mattered. I came to the conclusion that if he had said "This is an extravagant thing that I really want to do for my daughter. Are you ok with that? Could you please accept that I want to do this?" it would have been way better. Yes I would have expressed my opinion about what may be other better options but at least it would have been an honest start that respected my place in the marriage.
Its the lack of consultation and the games played to turn it around on me that is the problem.
The only way I can stay is if he explains how he will avoid this scenario ever happening again. I work full-time and makes lots of sacrifices in terms of time with my son in order to earn money, pay the mortgage and I want to be an equal and a respected partner. What has happened is not acceptable. He has asked for forgiveness but I have come to the conclusion that I need him to paint a picture of a future where this scenario of lack of consultation accompanied by the mean verbal games never happens again.
21st Birthday is a big deal
21st Birthday is a big deal in NZ and Australia. And the drinking age is 18 there so being legally allowed to drink has been and gone. I have been to tons of 21st birthdays. It is like your first step into real adulthood. People give you gifts so you can leave home and start your own life. Maybe this is a milepost we could recognise for some of the launch failures we see on here?
Yes it is. I didn't realise
Yes it is. I didn't realise before being here that it isn't the same in the US.
see it as water under the
see it as water under the bridge, if you have shared finances and DH spend 4k with out talking to you, it's very easy... take 4k for yourself without talking to him about it, use this to open your own account and split finances immediately, then he can do with his money as he pleases after he paid his share of all bills..
If you have separate finances, hell take 4k for yourself without talking to him, you can always give it back later, but let him realize what he did wrong, talking is not going to help, he did not listen he agreed to get you off his back. Typical guilty Daddy thing to do.... but you need to stop this.
Him accusing you about your family and you not asking about SD - smile and say... did she ask about us? NO... that's what happens if people are not related you idiot, I'm married to you but I'm no family to SD... so grow up and get on with the program.
My husband hugged me this
My husband hugged me this morning and said "I will be better at communicating. I love you. I have always respected you."
Whilst it is better to hear something positive, my heart is still hurting. Like hurting physically. I don't seem to be mending. Maybe its one of those last straw moments or maybe it will mend slowly. Something is wrong now inside. Its like a primitive permanent "fight or fright" response. My life is busy and I can't seem to get time or space to sort my head out. Counsellor helped but not enough. Marriage shouldn't be something that takes away from one to give to the other.
Your DH seems to realize he
Your DH seems to realize he screwed up. Now is the time to be setting limits - plus separating finances. I can guarantee you if you separate your finances, you will be much happier.
Years ago I wound up paying for all sorts of things for SD and her Husband like vacations, expensive dinners, etc. It was never reciprocated. For some reason, DH was very generous when I was paying for half or more for everything. He could be the 'Big Man' for 1/2 the price. LOL One day I created a joint account that we both put the same amount of money into for household expenses, and a separate account for the money I had left over. I told DH he could pay for SD and his family, and I would pay for mine. It took only a few times for DH to feel the squeeze when he had to pay for the whole bill, and his generosity faded away.
I DO have to say though, I wish I had stressed a bit more about saving for retirement. DH was placing money into SD's checking account for years while she was making more than he was. Now he would be hard pressed if a big expense came up. So this is something to be aware of.
Why do they do it? Can't they
Why do they do it?
Can't they see they are being used and disrespected. I know I would see it if my son pulled this stuff in the future.
I really appreciate the
I really appreciate the advice about splitting finances. I realise that is also a stumbling block for me. My parents have been married 50 years and never split finances and consult on everything so I can see now that I see combining finances as part of the picture of a good marriage. Its all about trust. Maybe my picture does not suit the situation I am in. Its still my dream and I own that. Perhaps I would rather be single than live in a partnership without trust. At least I am starting to own my wants and needs. I will not assume they are the same as my husbands. We both need to sit down and express our view of a marriage again and sort this out.
This has all made me realise, I will not accept a relationship where trust is an issue.
Thanks again.
It will be a deep shame if this is the thing that breaks us. I am hoping for my part to find the path forward but am also very clear now on my boundaries. At least thats a positive.