Competing with sd

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Hi. I am new too this forum. My h has an adult daughter who hates me, I don't know what to do anymore. This evening At thanksgiving dinner the meal had gone well, I didn't engage sd as she doesn't like me and I wanted things pleasant. We had dinner at Dh's parents. We left an hour in to go to her mom and when she was gone I noticed a flower arrangement on dh's mom's side board. I remarked it was pretty and asked who it was from. I was told by dh it was from sd and her mother.

My h doesn't have a r with his ex. His daughter tries every chance she gets to drive a wedge between us. His parents do not have a r with the ex either. So why? Why did I have to sit g there feeling stupid with that thing at thanksgiving? I was upset. I tried really hard not to show it but they all knew.

We left and dh asked why I acted that way, knowing full well why I was upset. Then he was dismissive and mad I had acted upset. When I asked ifhim what he wanted me to do he told me to act normal. I am not the weirdo here.

I told him he should try being on my side for once and he just snorted.

Am I wrong here? His ex and my in laws have not spoken since their divorce.

So your upset that bm got

So your upset that bm got your in laws flowers? Just making sure I'm reading that right. But she wasn't at dinner? There's not much I can do. At least u don't have to hang out with her. Maybe just a nice heather for the holiday. Or does bm have some weird alterior motives. Lol

HeavenLike great advice!

No you are not being

No you are not being ridiculous; the woman is the ex. This lady has no place for gift giving-- in your family, she is an ex, you are the daughter in law now and what she did was not necessary nor needed. Clearly, she was making some visual point and I bet she wanted you to see her gift, that is why you are upset now. Her gift giving was fabulously timed, huh? I am sensing she may be jealous of your place in the family. Even if she selected and purchased the gift, the gift could have been solely from the GD, nothing more needed to be stated at all.

If I were your MIL, I would have spared your feelings by saying it was from the SD and then, as time permitted, I would express to the ex my appreciation for the gift, however, I would make a point to clearly tell her that in the future let's allow the child be the only one giving presents, as my son and you are now divorced and I have a new daughter in law. This can be kindly expressed in a thank you card, if not a phone call.

You have every right to your feelings. There is only room for one DIL in a family and if the situation was reversed, wonder if your husband would act "normal?" Do not worry about what they think of you as you are right to feel there is another wife lurking in on your life, for some odd reason.

Wonder why this consideration by the ex, after all this time? It is rather odd behavior of an ex DIL.

But, I have learned to question just about everything....

Why yes. ! That would have

Why yes. ! That would have been nice. Lol

There are so many

There are so many complications in step life. I think this is just one time where u have to let it go. U are definitely entitled to your feelings and honestly I would have not been happy about that either but sometimes u have to pretend all is ok and that it doesn't bother u. Fake it till u make it.

Your hubby on the other hand should always support u and try to understand your feelings and be on your side. So that may be an issue with the hubs.

the problem for me is that

the problem for me is that every time he spends time with his daughter she talks badly about me, telling him he should dump me. I think this flower thing was just one more way to make me feel out of place. She is his only child, almost 30, no boyfriend or prospects and he is the only man in her life. She is very hateful over the divorce and our marriage. She is upset that my h loves my kids.

The ex has no role in my life, my h's life and his parents were never close with her. I did everything I could to not show my upset and was gracious and kind, thanking everyone. Still I could not hide being upset.

Thank you for everyone that was kind with the responses and I hope everyone had a good holiday.

The SD is 30 years old and

The SD is 30 years old and she is saying the arrangement is from mother and me? Yes, you have figured this out completely. She was making a point, clearly; you definitely have every right to your feelings.

You may have to disengage from this situation if it keeps moving in this direction to protect your own feelings; what I learned is that "I" have to to that and I cannot depend on my husband to be there for my protection, he is emotionally messed up in this area and I have to take action to protect me--by staying away from it all.

I don't find it so out of

I don't find it so out of line that an adult child would send her grandmother flowers. You were told by your husband flowers were from BM to.

It wouldn't occur to me if I saw a lovely centerpiece on my hostesses sideboard to ask who sent the flowers. For all you knew when spotting the flowers MIL herself purchased them.

I guess I might understand you being upset if MIL were to be gushing over the flowers non-stop. Telling anyone and everyone 'oh, just look at this beautiful arrangement my granddaughter and her absolutely wonderful mother had sent to me. That DIL of mine, she is just so sweet and generous, too bad she couldn't attend today blah gush f'ing blah'.

Thanks for the replies and

Thanks for the replies and the kindness. You are right about her not being a friend to our marriage. He and SD took a vacation to Europe last m o nth and she and he fought for two days over me, how I treat her (I don't treat her any certain way, I avoid her because she is vicious), then cried the whole last day because her parents no longer speak.

When he got home he told me that he felt pulled in every direction and it was too much. He didn't get mad at her though, he took it out on me.

We had a pretty good relationship until a month ago and things just feel odd right now, this being the latest thing.

I am not upset with my in laws or really my h, not much he could do, but I feel it was planned by sd and her mom. So, lots of weirdness.

I am not a person to advocate

I am not a person to advocate for disengaging quickly, but I waited way to long. You need to make certain your husband is not supporting you and is not willing to do so-- before you do it. Sometimes you read on this forum of husbands who do step up and begin protecting their wives and bring their Skids to reason, sometimes the relationships even improve--but not without the father acting like one while being a husband to his wife at the same time.

You cannot change this or do anything about it. If he is fighting with her, was he defending you? I think if he was defending you, it is a good sign, but only you know that for certain. You have to let them work it out and stay completely away from the negativity. Go on with your own life if your husband does not set his daughter straight, so to speak...

You can control only yourself and you can stop interacting or even being around this adult to protect your own sanity. Let him visit her away from you if this continues, and celebrate you do not have to deal with the stress, jealousy and father/daughter insecurity.

By staying away from SD, you send a powerful message to everybody!

Planned??? Why would SD plan

Planned???

Why would SD plan this then do absolutely nothing the whole time she was there? :? Had
All of this unfolded because you asked who gave MIL the flowers(which seems extremely weird to me).

She wouldn't call attention

She wouldn't call attention because she doesn't speak to me. DH said SD put the flowers on the table, my mil moved them.

"adult children don't readily

"adult children don't readily accept their parent's divorce and subsequent remarriages."

If BM is unhappy with the new marriage, if she's still single, or in any way not supportive skids will pick up on her feelings and act accordingly. My cousin was telling me about her ex's new much younger live in woman, then she said, "But don't worry because 'M' (her oldest daughter) is going to get rid of her." Classic BM move by my cuz to have her daughter drive a wedge in her fathers new relationship. My cuz even went to far as to have a "family" meeting with herself, her ex, and her two daughters to tell him how displeased they were about the live in situation.

A lot of times it has less to do with how the adult kids feel about it and more to do with the jilted parents' reaction.

Just think, BM probably wasted $40+ on cut flowers that will die in less than a week. Next year bring a nice spice candle or some host gift that the IL's will enjoy.

This is definitely playing

This is definitely playing out in my world.

Thanks for this. As an

Thanks for this.

As an aside, the flowers were front and center, which is fine. The flowers should have been from SD only. The ex has not even spoken to my in laws in four years. It is out of the blue. There was a card on the flowers which was why I asked who they were from. My in laws have family out of state so I thought maybe it was from them and I was n t being rude at all. I said they were pretty and was just making conversation.

When DH spoke with his parents later, he explained my upset (after he apologized to me) and they said they were equally upset but couldn't really do much because it would hurt SD feelings. I understand. I am not even mad at anyone except for SD who could have told her mother how wildly inappropriate it was to send flowers.

I told DH that we needed to have a heart to heart about how we will handle these things in the future and he agreed. We shall see how it goes. And really, I am still mad at him for his reaction.

Sorry for your situation! As

Sorry for your situation! As other posters have mentioned, you will get mostly support and encouragement from most of us!

If your DH apologized, and is willing to have a talk about how to handle things in the future, YEAH!!! You are ahead of many of us.

Because of his responses, try to let go of your anger and see what he has to say. You do not need to have a relationship with his daughter. But you ARE entitled to the same courtesy and inclusion that he will be expected to demonstrate when she does find a partner.

Do some googling with terms like mini-wife, father-daughter enmeshment, etc., also maybe read the book Stepmonster.

Good luck. Let us know how things go.

It may have been staged to

It may have been staged to get your goat, or maybe not. The worst thing you did was to react (now they all know it bugged you.) I know, it does suck that we cannot "let it all hang out" with MIL and Skids- but those are the unwritten rules! It wouldn't have set well with me either. BUT...everyone has a past including your DH so you need to accept his past. Sending/giving flowers isn't really that bad and I'm sure your MIL liked the gesture (especially if she did the cooking.) Forgive yourself for reacting and learn from this!

Oh man.. please don't let

Oh man.. please don't let her ever be this bad. I don't know how people deal with such thinly veiled hostility. For me it feels like I am sleeping with the enemy, so to speak.

You know that BM had nothing

You know that BM had nothing to do with this right... SD just put that on the card to piss you off...
Why are you upset about it?

You know the In-laws was never close to BM, thus they will never invite her, but they invite you.... so no need to be pissed about SD's behavior....

Simply ignore SD, she's an adult, let her do what ever she wants Hon, there's a saying, if you give a person enough rope they will hang themselves, it might take a while but it will happen, DH will get tired of his brat talking bad about you and he will eventually tell her to just stop it, all you have to do is be loving and nice to DH, never talk bad about his brat, or BM..... never even talk about them and pretend to listen if he does...

Be the way you where when DH met you and fell in love with you, that was before you met the brat b!tch and before you knew her, just go back to that you and ignore ignore ignore....

sammigirl is not on line so often, she moved..... but she did this and for years her husband bend for his daughter till recently... yes daughter had enough rope to hang herself, Sammi's DH even moved to a different town and they are living the life now... DH tells his brat b!tch now - you are an adult deal with it....

there's hope hon, but only if you disengage from brat and ignore, pretend her actions means nothing to you, it might hurt but as soon as you are disengage - it will not bother you at all....

SD and BM baited a hook and

SD and BM baited a hook and line with those flowers and you bit hard. They had you floppin around on the end of their fishing line because you chose to give them space in your head. Others have mentioned that you deal with this kind of crap with calm, grace, and style.

That is great advice IMHO. Rather than let a flower arrangement bait trap from the toxic blended family opposition get to you it would have been better had you ignored it or made a comment along the lines of "Hmmmm? Isn't it interesting that they don't make any effort at all until they know the family will be together then they throw this pathetic attempt to manipulate into our time together? Pretty pathetic don't you think. At least I believe it is a pathetic attempt to maniulate all of us." Then move on.

Make your point, be classy, move on. Don't let them play you. Don't compete with SD, make her and BM compete with you.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Yep, all we have is what the

Yep, all we have is what the OP commented. I responded to that... not to what else might could possibly be in play.

Thanks for this. I

Thanks for this. I appreciate you being candid and kind. I have been trying to disengage for some time now, I don't really know how to do it but I try.

I know that no one knows my back story, and I am not going to vomit it all out here, but she has done things in the past as well to cut me out of the family dynamic and it hasn't been easy. On Dh's last birthday she lit the candles on his cake, blew them out and cut it while I was out of the room attending to my child. It may seem like a small thing, and it is, but that kind of manipulation is a pretty regular thing.

I did my very best not to react, it just didn't fully hide my upset. I didn't yell, I said the flowers were nice and that was all. They could just tell I was having a hard time with it. I wasn't rude.

I will work on further disengagement and just let it all go. No easy feat.

Great advice. I don't plan

Great advice. I don't plan to tell him anything. I just plan to let him do what he likes with regard to her and I plan to ignore that she exists. I don't see his relationship with her changing and I have to protect myself. Someone above said that she was trying to make herself relevant and that made a lot of sense. She mentioned to DH that the only time he is truly happy is when he is speaking about my kids (who he loves dearly). Well, my kids respect him. I would never allow disrespect from them toward the person I love. I guess it isn't reciprocal.

I just know I am not having one more special occasion ruined by her, for me.

Stepaside, so true. If the

Stepaside, so true. If the beloved SM remains in this parental dysfunction, the SM becomes a sacrificial human target for Skids. Staying away is the only way to bring peace to your life if your husband would rather be a buddy than a father to his kids. The kids" behavior -is simply a reflection of their training by both parents, who taught them to be self-absorbed without question.

^^^. This. Spot on.

I think your DH is my ex.

I think your DH is my ex. Lol. These men just don't get it

We may all have the same

We may all have the same husband actually, it is all wildly the same.

This sums it up for me. I

This sums it up for me. I keep reading replies about me being mad at flowers. It isn't the flowers. It is what happened after.

Thanks for posting this, it helped a lot.

Cocktail my dear you are over

Cocktail my dear you are over simplifying the issue. It's about more than flowers and it's ok for OP to be upset over her hubby acting that way.

Yes. I suppose I am not

Yes. I suppose I am not conveying the issue properly.

BM used to do things like

BM used to do things like this from time to time with DH's parents, or his sister, as well.

We would be at one of DH's family member's for a family dinner, maybe for a birthday or something, and there would be presents sent from BM to them as well

You know how I handled it? Simply just ignored it.

FIL would be opening his gifts from everyone, and OSD or DH's sister would say Oh this is from BM yada yada. FIL would open it, everyone with the exception of DH and I would comment etc.. and for our part, we would just smile and then carry right on happily. No big deal made about it

DH might privately say something to FIL later that he felt that was inappropriate, but really, FIL didn't ask for it. We know it all stemmed from an insecure and manipulative BM along with her insecure and manipulative daughter (OSD) and of course DH's equally insecure and manipulative sister

I would take it for what it was - BM just trying to make her mark there, to make some point to me. Yet, I was the one at the dinner sitting down with DH's family and not her, so really, who was the one looking silly?

These are situations where you simply don't act the slightest bit bothered. Smile and wave. Carry on with more important things. I almost felt sorry for BM when she pulled things like that, and I think that showed too. Not at all the reaction any of them wanted to see from me either LOL

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