Does It Ever Get Better?
HI I am new here. I am seeking out anywhere to get advice on how to deal with this situation that is my life. My husband took his ex wife to court 2 years ago petitioning for custody for the kids due to her constantly not providing him information about who was living with his kids, where they were living, or co parenting with him in any form. Needless to say that is wrong to do but not enough to get custody reversed. Her now husband has 5 children, and at the time he had no contact orders for all of them until he completed the requirements set forth by the courts. 3 of those kids are now of age, 2 are minors and he has through the court system regained limited visitation rights. Yet he lives with my step kids full time. That in itself is very confusing to me but that is a story for another day. My issue is with how I can better help my step kids and my biological kids muddle through this messed up situation. My step kids have said to their mother that they have 2 moms and 2 dads they have mom me and mom her and dad J and dad B. This comment took place in a vehicle. their mom slammed on the brakes and told them that they only have 1 mom that is her. Since that time the kids have been very distant. In the last six months its been more so in their mom's presence, they act out a lot when they are here. Thats when we learn the kids are having issues in school or at home. Not from her telling us. I am very good friends with the bio moms Husband's ex wife, our relationship started 4 years ago when I went in search for information on him when the ex wife refused to tell my husband anything about the men living in the house with the kids. They have repeatedly told the kids that it is wrong that I am friends with her and that the only reason I am friends with her is to gain information about them. I feel as if by telling the kids these things they are putting them in the middle. They are always talking bad about us. They told one of the kids that I killed my infant daughter. She died of Anencephaly its a genetic anomaly. I then wrote a blog about my girls pregnancy and birth and my daughter's death and my step daughter wanted to share it with her mom to make her understand that I didn't kill my baby. That is how I found out about them telling the kids that I killed her. All of this just breaks my heart. I have told the kids that if they are questioned to simply tell them to ask me. That has been my advice I don't know what else to say. The kids have always been open with me, they have always been able to talk to me and I know that really bothers her. I am resentful because the kids get to spend time with/ talk to her and their step dad, and their dad but me they only get to talk to in person 4 days a month. I feel like I have been eliminated out of their lives. we used to talk on the phone, but the kids told me that they get into trouble when they talk to me and the phone calls became less and less when they were talking to me and my kids so we all stopped asking to talk to each other. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to make it easier on us all?
I have very much so
I have very much so disengaged. I have all be eliminated myself from BM exposure so the kids do not have to feel uncomfortable. My husband does not support this. He thinks it is wrong for me to do this and that it is showing the kids that I don't care. It is not that at all. I do not want them to be put in the line of fire. The court system told us that unless he harms his kids he cannot restrict him from being in the kids home. They had a psychological evaluation done stating that he was ok to be around children but he would struggle with his roles due to his mental illness. The reason for his limited contact is because he attempted to beat their mother with a hammer and then tried to commit suicide in front of the kids. He was sent to a mental institution for a period of time. there was a second occurrence and he was again institutionalized. The professional who did the evaluation for our court case claims he no longer needs meds for his bipolar disorder, NOS personality disorder, borderline schizophrenia, and depression.
See here is my problem. 4
See here is my problem. 4 years ago we were looking for any info on this guy. we had none When we finally found out his name I did a online search and found his ex wife's name gave it to my husband and he contacted her. That was 4 years ago. since then we have become friends as in mutual things we have in common we have girls weekends and found we have other mutual friends. I have no issue what so ever if they either the BM or SD decided to become friends with my ex. matter of fact I would welcome it because my children are apart of their kids life so therefore he could potentially be a part of the kids life. its called transparency, how the his ex and I met was because the BM would not give my husband even his name yet he was living in the house with the kids. His ex wife and I found that we have a love for dogs, horses, and other things and we have created a friendship a 4 year long one. Will she call me when shes frustrated yes, she does. I listen and try to give advice. like for instance she stated that his home was not her kids home. I disagreed with her. I stated that I felt that if he was going to be in their life that she needed to encourage the boys to be just as comfortable at his home as hers. I still care for the kids when they are here, the challenges I have are the acting out, the anger, which is causing my kids to have anxiety about them. they have been acting differently the behaviors have not dissipated over the years they have increased. The kids see a counselor which is the BM's counselor, who will not talk to my husband. I do see a counselor as does my husband. I do not bring any issues to light with the BM. I do not talk to her unless we happen to be in the same place then I am cordial but that is where it ends. I have removed myself from activities and such because the kids told me its hard for them with me there. It hurts but I respect it. I want to be able to help them while they are here in my home. I know I cannot control what happens outside my home. I do not want to be their mother. they have one. I want to be a person they can depend on and it is my goal to make their time at my home a loving and enjoyable place to be. They need some consistency in their life. I will admit 4 years ago I was to involved. I overstepped some boundaries, I have learned some very valuable lessons in those 4 years, I have also learned that I refuse to let anyone dictate my life and who I have in my life. I have gained out of this mess a wonderful friend and three amazing kids that I chose to love. I will continue to respect her as their mother, I will continue to support my step kids any way I can up to and including from a distance even though it hurts like hell and doesn't have to be that way. Maybe I am not explaining my situation and what i am looking to change in it very well.
BM feels threatened by you
BM feels threatened by you for what ever reason. She does not want you to have a relationship with her children. I am in the same boat. I have been dealing with this for 17 years. It has never gotten any better.
I could never understand why it had to be this way. I couldn't understand why BM could not embrace the fact that another person could love, care and want to help her children.
I started out treating my skids the same way as I treated my own children. What I did for one, I did for all. But then I had BM saying I don't know what to them so they became so difficult to be around when they were here (every weekend).
We had two sets of rules. My kids had to tow the line and Skids disrespected the rules every step of the way. Rules did not apply to them. I never said a word to them but expected DH to speak to his children. DH rarely if ever did so we were a house divided. SD's were very mean to my daughter.
Trust me, I tried everything.
I am pleasant to the skids to this day. I offer assistance and have helped each one of them with things along the way but I do not have a good/loving/caring relationship with them. They could be a co-worker. I make sure that they have a birthday card and gift and a Christmas card and gift each year. I make sure that the gifts are personal and thoughtful and they have to know that what I buy is not from their father but of course he is the only one that they thank. I have never received a birthday card or gift from any of them. I don't exist on Mother's Day and at Christmas I may get something from the dollar store from the oldest SD, SD#2 does better and I get nothing from SS.
I eventually gave up. We were never going to be a family and I blame that on BM and the skids as I was always willing even after some of the stuff that they pulled. One time when they were here and the youngest was in 2nd grade, they went around the house and took all photos of me and bent me out of the pictures. Oh I could go on and on. I just let all of the stuff go because they were young. Letting it go did no good either.
I took my children to counseling where they learned coping skills. In the long run my children faired better in life and I am so proud of them.
Good luck to you.
Sometimes it is hard to be
Sometimes it is hard to be frank, even though I am on the net and I don't know the person. I still don't want to hurt feelings.
You may have had good intentions getting involved with BM's new SO's exwife- but in doing this you meddled and CREATED a lot of drama unnecessarily for you, your DH and for skids. Also for BM, but I am sure that is what you intended to begin with. Which makes you look psycho. And, IMHO it is not going to improve and your Skids now blame you for this mess that you created.
Had you written to us BEFORE you made this critical error in judgement, we would have advised that you to suggest DH hire a PI to investigate the guy. BD's and BM's do this all the time to protect their Bkids when someone new arrives on the scene.
I am sorry you have many blended family issues. Disconnect from contacting BM's SO's exBM. Focus only on your little family within the confines of your walls. In time, maybe BM and skids can trust you again.