I have an acquaintance/friend in her 40s who told me that she HATED her SM in her teens - but now was cool with her. I was not around for any of this so I know no details. I have no clue if her SM was good/bad or indifferent. Or if she was the brat from hell.

I do know that she moved out as a teen and lived with another family. She now has a close relationship with her father and her SM.

But I never heard her say that she appreciated what her SM did for her. What I've observed is that now that she is an adult they can now have a civil, decent relationship.

I doubt it's true. Why would it be? It might happen sometimes, but it's hardly a natural law that it will. This silly, Pollyannish attitude that everything will come out just fine if you behave yourself is just that--silly. Sh!t happens, hits a steady state, and gets worse a lot of the time.

In my case, I can't stand SS, he can't stand me, and for the rest of our lives we will have at best an uneasy truce.

not holding my breath - I think it will never happen..... I really do not care if Aergia change and wants a relationship, she burned that bridge couple of years ago

Adult SS is an ass. All he wanted from us as an adult was a free place to live. When I said no, he ran around telling people I was a homophobe. Um....I have gay friends who I adore, and my oldest son identifies as bisexual.

Adult SD is mental and so is her momma. They can have each other forever. Thirteen years of bull was enough.

I completely agree with you. Not that it is impossible for a SKid to appreciate a quality SParent. They certainly can and often do.

But.... kids treat SParents the way SParents and their partner train the SKids to treat the SParent.

Don't tolerate behavioral bullshit from SKids when they are young then you won't get behavioral bullshit from them when they are adults.

People learn how to treat us from us.

If the skid was just behaving like a normal rebellious teen, then they might come around.
If the skid has been severally PAS'ed, then it will be highly unlikely they never will.

I helped raise SD from 3-19, when she moved in with BM who abandoned her. She is now 22. I'm still waiting.

This is one of the problem with other people's advice, esp. when they are not step-parents. Conventional wisdoms, such as "just be nice" or "just give it time and they'll come around," do not apply in step-situations, AND every step-situation is going to be different, depending on the dynamics.

I always say: Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = step hell. And, there is not a lot you can do about it. You can only control your own actions. This is how disengagement got invented.

By the way, in my situation, it appeared the SKs got worse as adults. Their mother was very controlling and perhaps as adults, they now wanted to be in control, including controlling me (which ain't gonna happen). But, you never can tell why a SK may change, and one day you may be in and the next day you may be out, or vis. versa.

Best advice: Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up over it or let your DH ping you over it. Follow your instincts and look out for yourself. Tell DH you love him, but it is his divorce and not yours. You are going to be looking out for yourself, and by all means, if you don't want to go to any "Let's Make SM the Scapegoat" events, you certainly don't have to.

Pretty much every SM knows that DH wants her around as a buffer, but non-steps seem to have absolutely no awareness of this, and think that bio-dad would just love to hang out with his ex- and kids, and SM is just a be.atch in the way. After you stop showing up, and then DH stops showing up because he doesn't want to go into the viper's den himself, maybe they'll start to see the bigger picture or maybe not. Nonetheless, this is not your burden or guilt to carry. At the end of the day, whatever relationship dad and his children have are due to their choices and their choices alone.

Mine got worse when they became adults. Seemed once they had their own lives and houses they though they could dictate to DH what they wanted. And once grandkids came it was a new hell!

It is definitely about parental training and expectations. But you can bet, either way, skids do not change just because they become adults. At least when they are young you have the excuse they are youthful and formidable.

Gratitude for what? That is the question they would ask, exactly what should they be grateful for?

I think that more often than not, step kids do not grow up to be grateful for their step parent. There are always exceptions, but for the most part, I think children of divorce grow up believing that their life would have been better WITHOUT a step parent.

As adults, they may come to terms with it and be okay with the step parent, but that's different than being grateful.

I have never cared if my SD was grateful to have me in her life or not. It was, and is, inconsequential to me. She's 25, I've been in her life since she was 5, and never once did I do something for her hoping for any kind of recognition or thanks. Anything I did for her, I did it because I wanted to at the time and then I let it go, with no expectations. No expectations, no disappointments.

Sometimes they do.

Between my two SD's, I have one who hates the ground I walk on and wouldn't be grateful for a single thing I've done for her even if her life depended on it. She resents every single thing about me and the more I do for her, the more she makes sure to rub in how much she doesn't appreciate it and never will. In her case it's a pretty hopeless cause and I've learned to stop doing anything at all, with any expectation that one day she might grow up, mature and act like a decent human being. I'm always polite and show class, but I don't go around expecting her to somehow change and apprecitate anything.

My YSD on the other hand, does make a huge deal about being 'grateful' for me in her life. Not always sure whether it's sincere, but she does express appreciation and gratitude and knows how to say thank you. She wasn't always like this. As a teenager she was up and down and the usual crap, but by the time she reached her early to mid-twenties she came around. To this day she is still the opposite of her sister to me. Again not sure how sincere all the time, but I know she DOES appreciate some of the stuff I do and that is not something I ever expected from either of my SD's