Is it over?

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I have a two biological children that spend every other weekend and one day a week with me. My wife of a year and a half has a son that is with us all the time.

A year ago she was jealous because my kids got to go to Disneyland with their mother. So she wanted to plan a trip to take her son to Disneyland and wanted me to come with them. I told her I didn't feel comfortable leaving my kids out of a family trip. She didn't want to save the extra money to take my kids as well. She told me if I don't go with her and her son I'm not a husband to her or a stepfather to her son. I asked my daughter if she was ok with me going with them and not taking them since they had just gone with there mother a few months ago and she was very upset. She said she thought her and her brother were part of our family too. I assured her that they are, and I won't go without them.

Needless to say my wife was very upset with me that I wouldn't go without them. She again said she isn't going to wait another 6 months to save more money. Then the big one! She told me she didn't want my kids to come, they would takeaway from her sons experience, and we should be able to take a family trip without them, and she doesn't feel bad. I was speechless and didn't talk to her the rest of the day, I shut down.

We later went to counseling and I brought it up. She ended up apologizing and has taken steps to try and make it up to me. I have just lost all respect for her and almost feel like I don't love her anymore. I feel betrayed like she was trying to turn me against my children to benefit hers. She can sense things have changed. I don't know where to go from here.

Why do you feel your children

Why do you feel your children who do not live in your household should repeat the same vacation trip that they just had with their mother. Any reason other then you informed them that your wife wants to take her child and now your children will feel slighted if not invited.

Does your wife work? Does she collect child support to cover expenses for her children? Taking 3 children adds to the expense and workload of the vacation. How enjoyable will this be for your wife if she is looking for the experience to be an enjoyable and memorable experience with her own child?

If you are looking at this as they are all brothers and sisters who should do all things equally together then why weren't they considered as siblings when they went the first time. Life is not always equal or fair. Your ex enjoyed the experience with her children, Why is it wrong for your wife to experience the same with her own?

Are your kids your kids your

Are your kids your kids your husband's bio kids? If not, are your trying to get your husband to play happy family vacation with yours, while excluding his? Will you be willing to take his kids on a family vacation and leave your kids behind?

Echo, there is a lot of

Echo, there is a lot of information missing in this situation. Appears the wife is wanting to do this in the present time, not wait an additional 6 months or more. It is school seasoning. Are his children in school. Is she one of many wives that find herself being the one with the larger income and assets that is covering him . One of the reasons nearly everything I asked was in question. One size fits all does not always work in step families.

There are situations where the step mom is the one with the assets, the better paying job, the home, the medical insurance, and the lifestyle her dh and his children are enjoying. My own husband had these perks years ago when he married a widow with 2 children . He lived in her paid for house, drove her paid for van, while half his check went to the ex and most of what was left paid his past debts. But to hear his version, she was so terrible not to include his children in every vacation. She was also a terrible woman for not buying equally for his 4 girls every time she used her children's ss on her 2 children.

Some of us older generation have different views because we have experienced
the problems that came with the one size fits all attitude repeatedly not only with step children but saw it continue with GC and GGC.

Stick to your guns. Your wife

Stick to your guns.

Your wife is crazy if she thinks you want to spend your money and vacation time playing happy family with her kid while your kids are left home.

The fact that your girls went to Disney with their mom means absolutely nothing.

No one is preventing your wife from having great time with her son. She and her son can go and have a blast. You and your kids can go later and do the same. Perhaps there will be a time in the future when you can afford to do a trip together.

Your feelingson and reasoning on this are not wrong. Do not allow your wife to guilt you into doing what she wants.

Her son is your stepkid. It's ridiculous for her to expect him to get more from you than your bio kids.

As far as you question is concerned, I say yes, it is over. During your wife's bratty moment, she revealed her true feelings. She expects you to play daddy to her kid while excluding yours. Your reaction tells me that up until this point, she has been successful at keeping that piece of information under wraps. You have to decide if you can live with someone who feels this way.

You're assuming a lot here.

You're assuming a lot here. First, that the wife's kid is "getting more" from the OP than his own children. It's entirely possible and, in fact, probable that his wife is the one saving up for this trip since she's the one who suggested it.

I tend to agree with her. BM didn't have to take her boy when she took her kids to Disney...why should OP's wife have to take someone else's kids on her vacation. That seems very unfair to her.

When it comes to the money aspect of it. If OP is paying CS, it's likely his wife feels like they already paid for one vacation for his girls...why two?

I see why OP feels guilty or bad about not taking his girls...I understand that he wants them there. But in step-family situations where you're the NCP...sometimes your kids aren't there. That's not the wife's fault, or her kid's fault...and she shouldn't have to feel bad about wanting a vacation with her kid.

Of course she shouldn't feel

Of course she shouldn't feel bad about wanting a vacation WITH HER KID. She should feel bad about trying to guilt her husband into wanting a vacation WITH HER KID.

She should take her son and have a blast. He should do the same with his kids. The two of them should also do adult vacations. If it's possible, they should do a vacation that includes the 5 of themail.

Neither spouse should be pressured into doing a family vacation that excludes his/her bios.

Her kid isn't more deserving of a vacation with him than his own kids are.

Well, I actually agree with

Well, I actually agree with you there. I think OP's wife should go just her and her kid and have a blast. Kid will likely enjoy it, she'll have a great time and build some good memories. I hope she's able to do so...it's harder for some women to leave their SO behind, but I think that's the best solution in this case.

I guess my issue with OP is that 1.) He brought his kids into the discussion unnecessarily. and 2.) He seems to be trying to guilt his wife into taking his kids along...and he seems incapable of understanding her perspective. Even from the beginning of this post.

His wife was "jealous" that his kids went to Disney? Huh? Ever since she's been scheming to get her kid the same trip? Why not give your spouse the benefit of the doubt for a second. Why attribute bad motives and feelings? In his other blog posts, he says that he's growing resentful that her kid gets more time with him than his own kids do. So it's OK and totally understandable that he would resent her and her child for something that they have no control over...but she can't want to take her own kid on a trip without it being chalked up to jealousy and pettiness?

Sorry. This guy sounds like he's the petty one to me...and like no picnic to live with. OP. It may be over in your wife's mind more than you realize. It would be for me.

Perhaps his wife revealed her

Perhaps his wife revealed her feelings about his kids going to disney to him. Men tend to be pretty clueless when it comes to women and their feelings. I think she may have done or said something to clue him in.

I totally see both sides of

I totally see both sides of this. This is why it is hard to be in a step situation.

Looking from your wifes side. As a SM and BM. I would not want to take my skids on vacation due to several reasons. But the main reason would be that I want to make a trip like that special for me and my child. That would not happen if skids went. But I would certainly leave my DH home if he did not want to go.

Looking from your side. I don't think I could take a vacation like that either with a skid and NOT my own bios.

Damned if you do and damned if you don't. But I do think you are being a little to dramatic about this. She just wanted a special time for her kid just like you did. No reason to divorce IMHO.

Everything you're describing,

Everything you're describing, saying that he is entitled to and right to feel...is exactly what his wife is feeling. Why is he entitled to feel this way and she's evil and petty for feeling the same? That doesn't make sense. She wants to have a special vacation with just her kid...without having to pay for or look after other kids who already went on the exact same vacation a couple of months ago. Seems perfectly reasonable to me.

OP can decide whether he wants to participate or not...but I don't think her desire is unreasonable here.

Ho do you know she's

Ho do you know she's excluding his kids because she's jealous and insecure? It's not even excluding his kids...it's taking her OWN KID on a vacation. Maybe she doesn't want to take additional kids because of the expense. It sounds like she works pretty hard and is planning to foot the bill for this vacation. Maybe, like the OP said, she doesn't want to wait an additional 6 months in order to save enough to pay for kids who have already been to Disney this year while her son has never been. Maybe she doesn't want to be responsible for watching and caring for additional kids on this vacation.

All of that sounds perfectly practical and reasonable to me. I agree with you, though, that she should simply say she's taking her son and give OP the option of coming along or staying home. Maybe she can go and OP can get extra time with his kids while she's gone...then everyone wins.

Nice selective quoting.

Nice selective quoting. Actually, she did say they couldn't afford it. Twice. And it was her main objection:

First time it was brought up:
"She didn't want to save the extra money to take my kids as well."

Second Time:
"She again said she isn't going to wait another 6 months to save more money."

To me, this seems both practical and reasonable. The OP's wife doesn't owe his children a trip to Disney, especially as they've already had one. If I had a child, I also wouldn't want to put something with my kid off to accommodate kids who had gotten to do that very thing just a few months earlier. That's an incredibly unfair expectation. We don't know anything about this poster's financial situation...what child support is...if that eats into his ability to help support their household. There are a million possible scenarios. And, even if she could totally afford it, she wants a vacation with her kid. There's nothing wrong with that. I agree with you that she should just go and take her kid. DH can do something with his kids, as long as he can afford to do so while still contributing his fair share to their household.

Even the parts you are quoting here...don't say jealousy to me. Entirely practical. It would take away from what she's able to afford to do with her son. They SHOULD be able to do things and take trips without OP's kids, especially as he's NCP. His wife shouldn't have to postpone things or put her and her son's lives on hold anytime his kids aren't present.

Read further down. It

Read further down. It appears she can't afford to take her kid on the trip without his help. He wanted to push the date back in order to pay for all 5 to go.

Like Blackhole, his wife wants him to pretty much fund a great event for her kid but not invite his kids. :?

And after reading this, after

And after reading this, after I just commented below, OP' wife's message just became even more ridiculous.

Reminds me of the lady from Tennessee whose kid missed his 8th grade class trip to Universal in Orlando.

scratching head trying to

*scratching head* trying to find legitimate sense in the statement made by OP's wife.

"we should be able to take a family trip without them"

How does she figure she, her husband and her biological child but not his biological
child, is 'family'... but OP, his wife and his biological children but not her biological children aren't 'family? Because that's the message OP's wife is saying. Loud and clear.

Ho do you know she's

You've allowed yourself to be

You've allowed yourself to be manipulated by your kids.

Your kids are with you EOWE and one day a week. It is not reasonable to expect your life--or your wife's life--to wait until your kids are with you. That *should* mean that sometimes your kids are included in vacations and such, and sometimes they're not. The fact is that in this case, they went to Disney with their mom. They're not losing out, they're losing out on *another* opportunity.

Now, if I were your DW, and you didn't want to go, I would still go.. but a lot of women aren't like that. I can understand her getting upset that you would prioritize your kids and your own guilt over everyone else. I don't know the ages of these kids or the family dynamics, but they're all factors.

And I say this having lived it. We have about 60-40 custody of skids. We have done vacations with them and without them with my BD (who is DH's SD). The first time was almost ruined by his guilt. But he felt worse about the idea of never taking a vacation without skids.

Have you vacationed with just

Have you vacationed with just your husband and his children?

I bet there are very few SMs here who are willing to do what the OP'S wife is trying to guilt him into doing. I sure as hell wouldn't even consider it. I would never say or do anything to prevent my SO from going without me.

Actually, I have. Not my

Actually, I have. Not my favorite vacation, but I've done it.

Yeah, I know there are a few

Yeah, I know there are a few here who have. I remember one poster saying she went to Disney world with her husband and SKs while her son was with his dad.

However, most of us aren't willing to do that. I think it's wrong to expect/demand a spouse do something with our kids that we wouldn't do with his.

As I don't have kids, I've

As I don't have kids, I've done it a bunch. Disney. Hawaii. Charleston. Etc.

I don't mind it, though it's not my favorite. Typically, they entertain themselves and DH and I can have some quality time together.

We've also traveled A TON without them. Neither of us feel guilty about it at all. We've vacationed with my nieces and nephews and not his kids...I offered to have his kids join and he's the one who said...no. This was your idea, you're paying for it...they get along great but the ages are so different. This "isn't a kid thing and that's OK."

That's a mature response, IMHO. I know it's slightly different when it's your wife's child and not some fun bonus thing she's doing with nieces and nephews, but the concept is actually the same.

Maybe in the future there's another vacation that you take with all kids...to the beach or ???? If I were you, I'd let her have this with her kid and try to be more understanding.

"I asked my daughter if she

"I asked my daughter if she was ok with me going with them". Why are you putting your daughter in charge? What goes on in YOUR home should be between you and your wife, not between you & your daughter!

He asked her how she would

He asked her how she would feel about the situation. That isn't putting her in charge.

I'm willing to bet his wife asked her son how he felt about his kids going to disney.

What he said exactly "I asked

What he said exactly "I asked my daughter if she was ok with me going with them and not taking them since they had just gone with there mother a few months ago and she was very upset. She said she thought her and her brother were part of our family too. I assured her that they are, and I won't go without them."

IMHO: He should have never asked his daughter.

A few years back my dh & his son took a vacation. Just the two of them. My dh & ss had a nice vacation and when they returned my ss arrogantly informed me that he and his dad would take a trip every year. I had no problem with that. What I did have a problem with is my dh & I planned a vacation. Just the two of us. SS14 didn't like that idea and told my dh he did not want to go & stay at his bm's while we were gone. Up until that time he had no problems going & staying with his bm on weekends or what ever suited him & his mother but because he complained to his dad he did not want to go stay at bm for a few days while we were gone, guess what? No vacation for me & dh. DH had drank the skid cool-aid and believed his son was uncomfortable at bm's. Funny how he was ONLY uncomfortable when we planned our vacation.

kids/skids know how to manipulate their parents. Asking a child if it is okay to take a vacation without them is giving them the power to manipulate and cause problems. I call bull!

^^Absolutely!

This whole argument is silly,

This whole argument is silly, my opinion. The wife can do exactly what she pleases, just as the bio mom did what she clearly desired, without anybody pitching a fit to prevent her....

If the husband cannot support his wife in her decision, then he needs to stay home. But, a decent husband would go with this wife, because his kids have already gone, I do not think the exwife asked her ex husband to tag along with her (no, SHE divorced him); at least he has a wife now who cares enough for him to want him to go with she and his step child who likely lives with him most of the time.

It is a childish argument, and I think it is the husband who needs to grow up and quit asking his babies what he can and cannot do. But, it is true that some men are completely controlled my their children until the wife walks out.

Just sayin,,,,

I went back a read another

I went back a read another one of the OP's blogs.

https://www.steptalk.org/node/233377

Can you blame the guy for not wanting to be stuck with just the two of them on a vacation? :sick: :sick:

The son does sound like a

The son does sound like a royal pain, agreed, but HE (the man), married HER. He may need to disengage if it is this bad for him. Why vacation at all if this kid is mistreating his, etc? If he is abusing his tall, beautiful sweetie, then he should stay home or take the tall beauty and leave. lol.

It sounds like the guy is

It sounds like the guy is trying to hold things together,(I don't know why)while his wife treats him like the manny. BUT, he allows himself to be treated that way.

Based on these two blogs, the two of them need to decide if this marriage is really what they want.

Though I understand your

Though I understand your perspective I actually agree with your wife. Her delivery was abrasive and way too fraught with emotion but I agree with her base premise. Kids in a split custody or CP/NCP visitation sitatuon have two homes and two families. What happens in one home should not interfere in the lives of the people in the other home. BM takes the kids on trips on her time. On her time you don't have your kids so they are not available for trips that may be taken when they are with BM. That does not mean that you, your wife, or her kids/joint kids should have to forego a trip until the non resident kids are available. They have a life with their otehr parent and shouldn't have to wait for you, your wife, or the kids in your home to go on a vacation.

I had these struggles with my wife for a number of the earlier years of your marriage. Out of guilt she did not want to take vacations when SS was on Sperm Land visitation. The problemw with that is that the SKId was on visitation for 5 weeks in the summer, 1wk in the winter, and during spring break. All prime vacation time which my family would of course take advantage of, as would or friends. I got tired of missing family trips with my family, trips with friends, or trips with just the two of us, etc.. and finally I told her I was going with or without her. She joined me.

She felt guilty about going on vacation without the SKid but after a few years she came to enjoy them without the guilt. We did not take all that many trips without the kid but neither did we deny ourselves those opportunities.

The fact is that the life of CPs and the residence of the home goes on with our without the visiting kids and the resident family members should not have to forego anything due to the absence of the non residenct family members.

Even today, nearly 6 years after our kid (my SS-24) launched she gets a little morose about him not being able to do international trips with us. Fortunately her periods of reflection on his absence are short these days. Don't get me wrong. I miss him too. I just don't let it bother me as much as she lets it bother her.

Maybe not what you wanted to hear but ... that is my perspective on this.

As for is it over? If this is the only thing causing you to consider ending it... I am not sure it should be over. However, if there are other more difficult things and this is just the icing on the cake... then maybe it is and should be over. That is your call to make.

Good luck.

Vacations should include

Vacations should include either all the kids or none. I don't think step kids should be excluded. If u are truly a blended family unit why would u exclude step kids from attending a family vacation. I do think it's ridiculous to ask kids how they feel. Two adults in a marrieage should be making decisions and then advising the kids how things will be. Asking your kid about making vacation decisions is a sign that your relationship with your kids takes priority over your marriage.

This is not always a bad

This is not always a bad thing. When my son was growing up, I allowed him to have input on some things. His feelings/opinions were important to me. I often found out that things I was worrying about didn't even matter to him.

I would have never put the want,opinions,feelings of a SK ahead of my bio kid.

Do you eat while your kids

Do you eat while your kids are at their mom's? Do you go shopping? If kids are at your ex-wife's on Christmas, do you sit solemnly on the couch all day making sure not to observe Christmas?

Your kids now live in two households. They get 2 beds, probably 2 birthdays, maybe 2 sets of pets and lots of other duplicates. They are not deprived. It is not reasonable for them to expect to go to Disneyland twice in one year. Some families can do that but most do not.

Sir, if you needed desperately to be with your kids all the time you should not have divorced their mother. But you did divorce and you have to accept that means two separate households.

Things may have soured permanently with your new wife. But don't blame it all on her. I'm sure she could have done some things differently but you will sabotage every future relationship you have -- INCLUDING THAT WITH YOUR DAUGHTER -- if you ask your daughter all the time how to plan your life. If you can not be a firm authority with your own kids and keep good boundaries between your life and your ex-wife's, you are going to have a hell of a time.

If I were you I would go back to counseling with a firm commitment to becoming a better husband and father. Your feelings for your wife may or may not revive, but you will have achieved 2 excellent goals that will serve you and your kids a lifetime.

The OP's kids happen to have

The OP's kids happen to have 2 parents that can and want to take them on vacation. If that means they may get to go to Disney or other destinations more than once, good for them.

This isn't about a man who wants to put his whole house on hold when his bios aren't around. This isvsimply a step parent who isn't interested in playing happy family with his STEPKID if his bios aren't included.

I live in Florida. I had

I live in Florida. I had annual passes toDisney. I took my kids to Disney a lot. I took his kids to Disney with him without mine. I took them all his and mine. Sometimes I would take some of his and some of mine and some of his and some of mine wouldn't go cause they would be busy. I tried it all. And I quit taking his to Disney one fateful trip that ended with a dramatic break up in the parking at our Disney resort hotel. They wanted just their family and the friend I paid for to come to go to our Disney dinner reservations and didn't want me or my kids to go. I was in my late 30's and it hurt my feelings to be made to feel purposely excluded from what you feel is your family so I can imagine it hurts even more if you are a kid. But we did all that I mentioned above because we had six between us and a lot of every other weekends with the other bio parents. I think if they see you mixing it up all the time they get used to it as long as you don't always exclude.

Wow, very divided answers.

Wow, very divided answers. For the record since some asked. I make far more money then she does. She is also bitter at the 900+ a month I pay out of my check for CS. That is how it was since she has known me. She used to get fuming mad when my kids would come over with new clothes or toys. Yet I don't say anything when her son comes back with things in the very few occasions he goes to his dad's. it's just the reality of the situation. Trust me her son is not neglected here either. If anything my kids are more jealous of him because they see what he gets. He doesn't see things they have at there moms.

It wasn't the fact she wanted to go with just her son. It was the fact she blatantly said she doesn't want my kids to go. I could see in her eyes she wanted to even things up and get them back. Plus the fact she all but said our marriage is a sham if I don't go with them.

also schedule wasn't an issue. Ex wife said she would allow them to come when we needed. She just plain didn't want them coming. Which is not terrible, but guilting me is another thing. She wouldn't accept just them going. She wants me to play happy family with just them.

She admitted she would have been VERY upset if I said I didn't want her son on a vacation. All you people saying it's not a big deal I think wouldn't leave their kids behind because their spouse didn't want them to come.

I had a vasectomy 6 months

I had a vasectomy 6 months ago and am kicking myself for no prenuptial agreement.

To her defense, in the the last few months she has admitted she was very selfish early on, and it was wrong of her to put me in that situation. The damage is done though. It was an issue in the house for close to a month with her not backing down. I thought we were done until we went to counceling. Although she just did admit she is still resentful towards me and my kids because of the child support I pay. Again, she never saw that money anyhow. It has always been that way. It's not something I cant control. My ex could actually get more if she wanted. Her ex pays her next to nothing and she could get more, I don't say anything about that.

If u feel u need a post nup

If u feel u need a post nup get one and get a divorce. The marriage is over.

Maybe this marriage is toast.

Maybe this marriage is toast. Is she a terrible person? I have no idea. Maybe she is.

But I do know asking your little kid if she wants to go to Disneyland is not likely to result in a thoughtful discourse about the family budget, custody schedules, the enriching nature of trips to museums instead, etc.

So go ahead and pull the plug on this marriage.

But, in future, I beg you to be the leader your little daughter needs to you to be. You can offer her a choice, a choice that is under your control, but do not put her in control of your life. She needs you to be in charge.

Whether your wife is a louse or not, it sounds like the two of you have built up a lot of resentments in a short amount of time and have demonstrated little ability to problem solve together.

If you think there's hope for this marriage, continue with counseling. You could learn a lot that will serve you well, especially about boundaries and problem solving in marriage. If you're done with her and her evil little kid, bail out starting tomorrow.

For the record, I do not resent the child support my husband pays. I have spent a tremendous amount of my personal energies and resources in ensuring my dh gets his time and his rights as a father and teaching his kids to appreciate him, including through fun Father's Days and so much more.

BTW, on your other blog I thought you said the ss is jealous of your daughter. Now in this one your daughter is jealous of him. So, before you bail, you may take steps to ensure you are looking objectively at your own parenting and not forming a narrative to always see your kid-parent dynamic in a golden glow while wife's is always cast in a villainous one because that will follow into your next relationship and the next and the next.

She gets jealous for her son.

She gets jealous for her son. He honestly doesn't seem to care all that much

"For starters he's mean to my

"For starters he's mean to my daughter out of jealousy."

^^^ From previous blog with "he" referring to 7 or 8 year old stepson.

I'm referring to him getting

I'm referring to him getting jealous over material possessions or vacations. SS doesn't seem to care about that as much as my wife.

Wife has agreed he is jealous

Wife has agreed he is jealous of my daughter. I think that's part of the reason she is so protective of his feelings. She has put a bubble around him and herself in our house as a whole. My daughter just gets jealous of things he gets when she's not there. Overall she is not Jealous of his existence like he is hers. He wants to be the only one getting attention. My son is young enough that he doesn't care

You are in for a lot of

You are in for a lot of misery if you are asking your babies what you can do or not do in your marriage now....because you just gave them permission to control you and destroy your marriage, what a shame. If you are this easily guilted, you may wish to leave now and look for a woman without kids in the future. I promise you the worst is yet to come!

If you agree to go on the

If you agree to go on the trip, would you be paying for it?

Since your wife works and her ex pays CS, why is she using money as an excuse for your kids not to go? You could pay for your 2 kids and she could pay for her son.

Please don't say she was expecting you to pay the lion's share of the vacation expenses while excluding your kids.

All of our money goes into

All of our money goes into one account. Including child support. She did not take him before we met because she could not afford it. So in a way yes she expected me to help pay for the trip. although, I have been thinking about separating our money as to not be made to feel guilty paying child support. Even though it comes out of my check and she does not see it.

Trust me I am trying to let

Trust me I am trying to let it go. I just can't imagine saying something like that to her. Or for nearly a month insisting that she go and leave her son behind. In her mind she knew it was wrong. She did not care though, all she cared about was him going, and them not. At that time she was mad at my kids I can see it in her eyes. I have come to realize she is a very insecure and jealous person.

There is usually a shade of

There is usually a shade of grey in every situation, but if you want this marriage to work you have to put your marriage first, you do. She needs to do the same, but if you think you must ensure everything you do is "equal." you have arrived at a dead end road already. It is a matter of priorities. It probably did hurt her kid (bad as he may be), that he did not go to Disney, but....he did not go, did he? She has every right to want to take him (every kid wants to go to Disney, jealous or not). Your job is not to make your kids happy and if that is your primary goal, you may think about if you need a wife, at all.

Asking your children's permission undermines your marriage terribly. Once you have done this you have done the damage which is hard to ever over come. You are the adult, it is fine to go with her and without her, just as kids can go with the mother--without you...all is fine and if you live a life a guilt through anybody's jealousy, you permitted it.
You are married to your wife, does that matter to you too?

I have no control over what

I have no control over what they do with their mother. Nor does my wife. I do not see how that is relevant, our counselor told us as much. so you're saying it's OK for her to resent things that my kids biomother does and hold it against me and my children.

He ended up going with his father a few months ago. The problem is resolved now. she did complain that it wasn't fair she didn't get to go with him tho. I thought that was funny as that was one of my arguments for wanting my kids to come. Blinded by emotion

So hold on. Stop the presses.

So hold on. Stop the presses. Your wife had some unruly emotions a year ago. The whole thing was resolved "months ago" when your ss went to the mouse with his dad.

So....all of this happened a year to months ago....and now you're posting because?????

So there is no Disney problem to be solved at this point.

The problem is you've figured out you dislike your wife. Ok. We can support that. You dislike your wife. Based on your reporting here, she's full of unreasonable jealousies, insecurities, resentments, and selfishness. You've lost all respect for her. You've lost your love for her. You are a great dad, fantastic husband, and overly supportive stepfather. So this is all very simple.

Ok. Proceed. Call the lawyer tomorrow.

I am just not at all sure how all of us got involved in giving our insights and recommendations on a Disney problem that had expired months ago.

Wow Chief, thanks for setting

Wow Chief, thanks for setting the record straight....it appeared posted as a recent concern to me, had no idea.

I think additional advise from the sweeties may be needed, they have more influence over him...LOL

(No subject)

Well...apparently it's fine

Well...apparently it's fine for you to resent her son for existing and living with you while your own kids do not. That's what you said in your other post. You resent the time that you spend with him because you'd prefer to be with your kids. Right?

I don't fault you for that. It's natural. But it's also not HIS fault or your wife's fault. It's also natural for your wife to want to do for her son without the encumbrance of other kids...or to not like sharing finances with another household...etc.

Why do you hold her to a higher standard regarding your kids than you hold yourself to regarding hers? You "see it in her eyes" that she dislikes your kids? You've admitted to not liking her kid. So why is that OK for you but for her it's jealous, petty, insecure...and whatever other misogynistic emotion-laden words you can think of to slap on her? To me, it sounds like your feelings toward the others' kids are the same, but you give yourself a pass while holding her feet to the fire about it.

A little stunned you can't see your own hypocrisy. To me, you actually sound like the jealous, petty, resentful one...and like you make her "admit" to things in counseling in order to keep you happy...just to use it as evidence against her later. Please. Do this woman a favor and leave.

You may need to think about

You may need to think about if you seriously want to stay in this now. From your responses, I believe you have an opinion that cannot be changed, which is fine. But, what you have now, you have a lot more of it--much more serious to come... You are keeping score and that is not a good sign of a strong partnership what will ever work.

I am at a loss here, throw in the towel if you, "see it in her eyes."

Sir you have what I refer to

Sir you have what I refer to as "one of those".

You would not ask the question 'is it over' unless you have been tossing that question around for a while.

Before you answer the question be sure to have protection in every sense of the word.

Taking children to

Taking children to DisneyLand/World is a huge undertaking - not just financially but also in terms of physical effort. Not the least bit relaxing.

Now it can be totally worthwhile to see a child experience the awe and joy of the experience. But it can be hell on earth too if the trade off between effort vs. reward is too skewed.

I don't think it's a matter of asking the skids what their opinion is. I think it's up to the individual parent to decide what THEY want to do.

I've been to DisneyWorld many, many times. I've gone by myself, taken a small child (niece), taken a young friend who was just diagnosed with MS, taken an elderly aunt, gone with multiple friends, gone with my DH, gone with my sister, etc. Virtually every trip is different based on who I am with. Some were done totally for the benefit of others - I willingly gave up what I would normally do to accommodate others. But that was my CHOICE. Nobody told me I had to do it.

I adore my BIL and SIL (DH's brother and his wife) who are raising their 7 year old grandchild. They are planning a trip to DW. I'm happy to give them tips - but no matter how much I like all of them - I don't want to be their tour guide for a week.

I think OP should do what works for him. Not what his skids want, not what his wife wants. His wife can take her kids and have a magical time without him.

Except there is no trip to

Except there is no trip to Disneyland on the table anymore.

It was resolved "months ago" when ss went with his dad.

OP is here today to apparently get validation that his wife is a dirty rotten scoundrel and he should leave her because he and his pretty daughter are, um, righteously resentful (not to be confused with insecurely resentful) of the wife. Or something.

It's just not about Disneyland. That's all we can be sure of.

Sorry, I usually try not to be snarky but the moving target isn't helping me.

Too funny....

Dammit, read through all the

Dammit, read through all the posts just to see that the situation already happened a while ago. Well at least I didn't waste my time typing everything I was going to say.

Now I only have two words ------ Disney Dad.

I know right? Wasted a lot

I know right? Wasted a lot of time trying to support this enmeshed Dadeee. Realized early on he had not one kind word for the wife, so he just wanted us to tell him he was right.

I'd say it is over and the wife in this case is the winner. No more marital advise from the beautiful, tall child sweeties.

I noticed the same thing. Not

I noticed the same thing. Not even a "she tries hard" or "he thinks he's doing the right thing" which is what we often get even when someone is pretty angry but they do love and admire their spouse.

This guy has a pretty child who others are jealous of except when it serves the story for her to have reason to be jealous of others. His wife's resentment is "insecure" but his is righteous. We know his kid is tall, pretty, and some other complimentary stuff I can't remember but we don't know anything nice about his wife or stepson.

And, frankly, what parent in their right mind dangles a Disneyland trip to a 7 year old without knowing they can make good on it? On top of it being mini-wife behavior on Dad's part, it's just plain cruel to the child.

HE is the one who put the kid in the position of feeling the emotions of "aren't I part of the family?" not the wife. Very cruel thing to do to a 7 year old. But it served dad's agenda of helping him paint wife as an alienator. He sacrificed his own kid in his marital war.

It is more than clear he was

It is more than clear he was only looking for validation; hopefully he will take his babies advise (or as granny said look in the wife's eyes); and we will not hear about this same Disney BS or attempt to help this man again a year later-- just to validate his odd fee fees.

This was just too funny tonight after you pointed it out to us :-).

Yes, I'm sure if he gazes in

Yes, I'm sure if he gazes in just the right light he can get all he needs to know from those evil eyes of hers.

I got several good laughs from the wits here when the truth came out!

I would also like to say I just love how he gave his wife the silent treatment for a day (at least). All the research shows that's a great marriage skill to have. <--sarcasm

He hasn't been back for awhile. Probably on one of those woman hating sites now getting tips on how to legally coruscate his soon to be ex-wife.

I guess you guys have me all

I guess you guys have me all figured out . You have no idea what I've been through the last year trying to hold things together. I do not hate my wife. Has it been difficult? Yes. This situation is one that just put me over the edge. There were numerous other occasions where she made it clear that her and her son's feelings come before mine and my kids. She has started taking Prozac in the last six months . I could go on a big list of everything that she's done and said to me but I guess I would just be labeled as being a wuss. And allowing it to happen and not being her fault .

She admits to being very insecure now. This is both of our first times trying to blend a family. I know it has been hard for her.

I guess I was coming on here looking for validation. In doing so I realize the only validation I need is my own feelings. She was very emotionally abusive in the beginning of our relationship/marriage . It built a lot of resentment up, and this last incident just threw me over the edge like I said to where I don't think I want to be in the relationship anymore. I tried, I really have the last couple months. She has tried very hard as well, and seems to have changed. I just don't feel it anymore though . I don't feel like I love her anymore, and she can sense that. She's almost desperate to try and save the relationship.

Ps in my other thread I wasn't saying my daughter was tall and pretty to brag. It was just a logical reason that me and my wife came up with as to why her son is so jealous of her. Sorry..

I want to post something

I want to post something sincerely supportive and helpful but, like so many others, I already tried that upthread.

However, it felt like standing on a curb when a limo deliberately splashes mud all over you to find I was advising on a problem that doesn't even exist.

Then the pattern emerges that the object of your distress is an ever changing target, always managing to wiggle out of focus just when people start showing how your own behavior may contribute to the problem.

Always managing to come out the victim is a red flag for many of us. We have authentic victims come here in terrible circumstances who are far more willing to see their part in it than what we've seen in these two threads.

So now your wife is on Prozac. You bring that up as though it is a pejorative. Why? Is she depressive, bi-polar? Usually we see that as evidence of a need for compassion, not as evidence that the person is thoroughly irredeemable. So, yet again, another "hmmmm...."

If you genuinely want some help for your marriage you have to listen to more than the voices telling you that you are powerless in your situation and your parenting/husbanding is flawless.

But when those voices speak up your target wiggles again and shadily massaged bits of info emerge.

So it's very hard to see you as the poor put upon martyr and valiant parent.

Your perspective of your wife

Your perspective of your wife disgusts me. Did you know that to be prescribed Prozac she needs to have been diagnosed with a serious mental dysfunction? Very often these conditions will make the patient insecure, self-critical and emotionally vulnerable. You are a disgrace to even criticize her while she's in this vulnerable state. "In therapy she ended up apologizing and taking steps to try and make it up to me".

What? She had NOTHING to make up to you! It sounds like her son is jealous of your BD/BS because you treat your SS like s**t and your children like angels.

I am sure your wife is getting treated like s**t by your children too, and this is precisely why she didn't want them to go to Disney when the original argument came up.

Please, please divorce her. She deserves so much better than you.

I think we did pretty much

I think we did pretty much figure this poor victim of his own choices, out. Indeed, it took a team approach...lol.

After dealing with him here and trying to figure out who is was and if there was any "real"timely issue to support or could support..we may all need to ALL take Prozac.

Next time you write OP, please do not bring up this Disney issue. If your wife is as horrible and unworthy as you describe, I am certain you are willing to share a "fresh" topic with us.

PS....OP....We think, you think you have it all figured out....guess what, you do not!

I think we did pretty much

I think we did pretty much figured this poor victim of his own choices, out. Indeed, it took a team approach...lol.

After dealing with him here and trying to figure out who he was and if any "real" timely issue existed in order to support, if we could support..we may all need to ALL take Prozac.

Next time you write OP, please do not bring up this Disney issue. If your wife is as horrible and unworthy as you describe, I am certain you are willing to share a "fresh" topic with us.

PS....OP....We think, you think you have it all figured out....guess what, you do not!

Your wife use to post on here

Your wife use to post on here as well, don't know why she stopped, I was under the impression you 2 already split up....
didn't she simply kicked you out or you left or something like that?

Now it's that easy, if your Ex wife takes the kids on holiday so be it, when your current wife wants to go on holiday with her kid, why not... why does she have to wait till your kids are there... it's not fair

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